by Amy Daws
Truer words have never been spoken to me.
I peel my crusty eyes open at an incessant noise that invades the darkness that is comforting me right now. I’m shocked to see that it’s nearly eleven and that I’ve been asleep since shortly after Hayden left. My mouth is dry and my heart aches.
I called Daphney after Hayden left to tell her what happened. Not all the specifics, but that Hayden and I had a big fight and that I was worried about him. I was sick with nerves until she finally texted me later to tell me Hayden had shown up at the gala. Knowing he was there and safe was the only reason I was able to finally let myself pass out from all the emotional exhaustion.
I clamber up off my bed and over to the sink in my kitchen to drink water straight from the tap. I flinch at the pinching headache crawling across my forehead and stumble back to my phone on the entry way table.
“Jesus, who the fuck…” I open my phone and see five missed calls and twelve new texts. They are all from Daphney, begging me to call her. “Holy fuck.” My pulse sky rockets instantly and my hands tremble as I swipe across the screen to read the later texts.
Daphney: Reyna, I can’t get hold of you. It’s about Hayden. It’s bad.
No…no, no, no!
Daphney: He’s okay now. But, we almost lost him.
No! This can’t be happening. He was just here! I just saw him. I drop to my knees and press my head against the door blinking rapidly to clear the tears forming so I can read the next text.
Daphney: Theo said he slit his wrists, Rey! I can’t believe I’m telling you in a text, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s all so awful. We’re on our way to the hospital. They said he’ll live, but…
But what? But nothing. But…but? But how? How could he do this? When did he do it? Where? Why? Oh my God. Was it what I said? I quickly scan through our earlier exchange trying to remember everything I said to him. Fuck me. I was awful. Truly terrible. I’m the worst. The worst friend. FUCK!
I rush over to the kitchen and grab the stray bottle of tequila to pour myself a shot. I slosh some into the dirty glass of Hayden’s and bring it to my mouth. One smell of it and I pause, gripping it in my hand as hard as I can until I hear it crack. I scream and throw the broken glass into the sink, flinching at the sound of it shattering into a million pieces. This was Hayden’s glass. The same glass he tried to drown his pain with just moments ago. The same glass we’ve both been using as a crutch for far too long and now look what’s happened.
I squeeze my hand into a fist and wince at the sting of wet liquor on an open wound. Is this even a fraction of what Hayden felt? God, slitting his wrists? How could he do something so gruesome? So permanent? I should have never let him leave! This is entirely my fault. Why do I keep doing this to people? First I pushed Liam away three years ago, and now Hayden, my best friend.
Pushing is the only verb I am one hundred percent effective at.
Compartmentalizing my self-loathing, I look down to survey the damage on my hand. There doesn’t appear to be any glass in the small cut—just enough to help make me feel like an even bigger asshole. Feeling frantic to get to Hayden, I haphazardly throw on a bandage, then slip on a T-shirt and jeans. Moments later I’m hailing a cab to the hospital that Daphney said they were all waiting at.
While riding in the back of the taxi, I can’t help but feel anger at all the bustling streets of London going about their normal evenings. Do they not realize the hell and torment going on all around us every second? How can they all be so cavalier? Happy even? My best friend is laying in a hospital bed fighting for his life and these people are out laughing and partying.
Walking into the hospital, I do my best to hide my tears and trauma-stricken face. The Clarkes don’t need me to be a mess too. My stomach clenches as my eyes land on Hayden’s mom, Winnie, his dad, Richard, and his sister, Daphney. They are all in formal evening wear and standing nervously in the hallway by the waiting area. Their faces are almost unbearable to look at.
“Winnie…Daph texted me. I hope it’s okay I came by,” I say awkwardly, glancing down as I approach. I quickly wipe away the betraying tears that fall.
“Rey! Oh, honey—” Winnie’s eyes grow wide as I look up at her and sobs burst out of her mouth. Her eyes dance all around me before pulling me into her ample chest for a hug. It’s been quite some time since I’ve seen Winnie and I’m sure just the sight of me evokes memories of Marisa.
A loud breath from beside us echoes in my ears and I turn my gaze to find Liam sitting in a waiting room next to a couple dressed in evening wear. I never in a million years expected him to be here, and a sick part of me has a split second of hope that he’s here for me.
He mumbles something over to Hayden’s older brother, Theo. A red head is sitting smack dab between the two guys and she’s dressed in a formal, tea-length gown covered in blood and dirt. I blanch, nearly unable to look at the sight of her. Was she the one who found Hayden? I can’t stomach the thought.
My eyes fall back on Liam as he suddenly stands. Theo rises with him and places a reassuring hand on his shoulder. They exchange words, but I can’t make out anything they’re saying over Winnie’s sobs.
Finally, Liam looks at me and it’s one of those moments where I can hear every single thought in his mind and for the first time, I don’t want to. His gaze is haunted and pained, and it crushes me. It’s been a week since I last saw him and he looks like he’s been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Without thought, I break away from Winnie and make my way over. I am naturally drawn to him, but nervousness takes over as I approach. I look down at my shoes, terrified of everything Liam’s eyes are saying to me right now.
“Liam,” I croak as he moves to walk past me to leave. I need to talk to him. I need to touch him. I need to tell him I’m sorry. Something!
He pauses just a few steps away and looks back at me. “I hope your friend is okay. I’ll leave you all to it.” He sends an apologetic smile to Theo and continues down the hallway, exiting the waiting room.
I lock eyes with the green-eyed red head who half smiles at me kindly. She looks worried and curious. Nice even. Theo stares me down and I look away, feeling blanketed in shame. Theo is like a shorter, more muscular version of Hayden. He has short, buzzed dirty blond hair and thick black-rimmed glasses. Both Theo and Hayden have that brooding look about them. Does Theo know about me and Liam? I shift nervously, feeling incredibly torn over what to do right now, so I make my way back over to Daphney and Winnie.
After a flutter of desperation courses through me, I suddenly blurt out, “Can I just…I’ll be right back, yeah? Right back!” I shout and run down the same way Liam just left.
Nerves trembling, I sprint out the hospital doors to find Liam waiting at a bus stop. “Liam!” I cry breathlessly—not from the run, but from the desperate urgency to fix something between one person in my life right now. I need to fix one thing one time and not be this person who continues to ruin people’s lives.
He turns and pins me with a sad shake of his head. His eyes flash down to my mouth and then he moves to walk away from the bus stop. “I don’t want to talk to you right now, Reyna. Your friend, boyfriend, whatever he is, just so happens to be my best mate’s brother and he’s in the bloody hospital for something that may or may not have to do with me, but has everything to do with you. Our drama is pretty much null and void now.”
His words hit me like a punch to the stomach. “Null and void? No, Liam! I need you to understand what Hayden and I are. I need to explain—”
“I’ve worked it all out myself, Rey. It doesn’t fucking matter. You’re a different person. You’re not who I knew. I don’t know who you are. You’ve fucked me. You’ve fucked him. I can’t sit here and witness this anymore. I don’t need you rubbing salt into the open wound, alright?” He storms down the dark sidewalk illuminated only by the glowing blue signage of the hospital.
“That’s not what this is!” I cry and run to stand in front of him so he
can stop walking away. “That’s not what Hayden and I are. Yes, I’m different. Yes, I’ve changed…but I need you to know…I’m not right, Liam. I’m not right in the head. I don’t see things about me that are good. I only see the bad. And…and…you fucking wrecked me!” I bring a hand to my hair in exasperation. “I had my life all figured out. I was keeping everyone at a safe distance and then…three years ago, that night in my dorm room, you just pushed me way outside of my little bubble that I was living in. You catapulted me into a mess of fucking self destruction!” My voice cracks with a garbled cry.
“So you’re blaming me for the past three years of your life?” he laments, his eyes flashing with anger.
“Yes!” I scream, realizing for the first time when things in my life started going from bad to worse. “I haven’t been able to get a handle on anything since then.”
He rolls his eyes. “That’s rather convenient, Rey. How nice for you to be able to pinpoint exactly when someone fucked you for once.”
He moves to walk past me and I shove him back into place. He hits me with a stony glare that intimidates the hell out of me, but I have to finish this. I have to get my answers.
“Liam, I need to know why. Why did you bring that ring to me that night? You have to explain it. You said it doesn’t matter because we’re living in the now, but you’re wrong. It matters so much. Please.” My chest rises and falls with each intense second that ticks by.
The previous anger in Liam evaporates, replaced by a warring expression. He looks like he can’t begin to tell me the truth, but he knows exactly what his answer to my question is. “It’s fucking crazy, Rey. I’m not even sure it will make sense to you.” His brown eyes flash to my mouth in a mass of emotional confusion.
“Liam, my best friend just tried to kill himself. Everything around me is in turmoil. I just need to know this one thing to hold on to a shred of my sanity.”
He swallows hard, the muscle in his jaw popping in and out. Nerves overcome his face and he turns away from me and begins speaking, “I told you at the houseboat that I’ve only ever had one dream about Marisa. Do you remember?”
“Yes.”
He clears his throat and continues. “The week before Marisa’s death, I dreamt that your roles were reversed. We were in Oxford and you and I were in a relationship and Marisa was the one on the side. The three of us were friends like usual, but it was a ring I bought for you that I showed to Marisa. Everything was exactly the same, but the ring was so different. The style of it was so you. Unique and edgy. I can still picture the thing.
“I was showing her the ring I bought for you, and she was excited for me. She was crying happy tears. And then, she suddenly told me she didn’t love me the way that you did.”
“Me?” I ask and he turns to look at me finally. His eyes are watery with tears.
“Yes, she was referring to you, Rey. It was like suddenly my dream was real life again and she was telling me she didn’t love me enough, but that you did.”
“I never told Marisa I was in love with you. That doesn’t make any sense,” I say weakly.
“Do all of your dreams make sense?”
“No.”
He looks at me knowingly. “She said that it was always supposed to be you and me.” He pauses as he averts his gaze again. “Then in my dream, she died.”
Frowning, I ask, “You dreamt about her death before it happened?”
“Yes. I didn’t see the accident or anything. But yeah, this dream happened before her death. It was like her spirit came to me to tell me goodbye before she even left. She told me that I had done a proper job loving her and she died knowing I loved her.”
I begin to step away from Liam slowly, my mind firing off all around me. It’s all so eerie. Thinking of Marisa appearing in my dreams and now she appears to Liam before even dying. It’s too much for me to process. My voice is weak and shaky, “I can’t wrap my brain around this.”
“Rey.” Liam grabs my arm and swings me to face him again, holding me still in front of him. My jaw remains dropped in shock as I look into his earnest brown eyes. “I did love Marisa. You couldn’t not love her. But you were in my heart. You were in my head. You were in my pulse. You were with me every breath I took. I couldn’t not think of you. I couldn’t not wonder about you. But you continually pushed me away. We weren’t even dating and you kept me at arm’s length. I thought I was crazy! I thought there was no way you could feel for me the way I felt for you. But after that dream, I had to know for sure…it was like Marisa was pushing me herself!”
“But why the ring, Liam? You had a ring for her.”
“I bought it to wake you the fuck up, Rey! To get you to open your eyes. I knew I had to do something drastic to get a reaction out of you! I saw that night as our chance. It was my chance to show you how I’ve always seen you.”
I close my eyes, holding back the tears as I recall the intimate feelings that overcame me that night so many years ago. That night he made love to me and told me that I was the one. It was a tenderness that crept into my very soul and awakened feelings I didn’t even know I could feel. Liam saw and loved every part of me—stains and all. That night was the last time I allowed myself to believe that maybe…just maybe…I could be the one for someone.
“And I ruined it,” I whisper to no one in particular.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Liam nod. “You let me in and then you shattered me. That was just the beginning of the breaks. It only got worse after Marisa died.”
Liam releases my arms and I cradle myself in my hands. A tremble shakes through me as hot tears run down to the crumbling earth below me.
Sighing, he adds, “I’ve made peace with what we did. My feelings and my heart were honest. That dream helped me realize that. I wish your dreams could do that same.”
I twitch at his knowing words. My dreams? I can’t understand any of my dreams. Whatever happens in them just seems to shine a flashlight on how utterly screwed up I am. All I’ve ever done is shove Liam away. So hard. Even after Marisa died, I literally pushed him out the door. I didn’t give a shit about his grief. Or him. He loved me with all he had, and I spit in his face after he lost everything.
“I don’t know what to say, Liam.” Sorry seems so ridiculous to say after all of that.
He swallows hard. “I had hoped that after our time together on the boat that you and I might have a chance. That maybe we could turn our destruction into our salvation. But you pushed me too bloody far, Rey. And I’m just done. I’m done trying to make you see yourself the way I do. I can’t love you after all this.”
An aching pain prickles in my eyes as a loud sob threatens to shoot out of me. I turn and cover my mouth to conceal my reaction.
“Good luck, Rey. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
I hear Liam’s retreating steps, but I can’t turn to watch him. I can’t bear to watch him walk out of my life once again. Instead, I walk back into the hospital, moving both away from and toward the fucked up life that I’ve created all around me.
Feeling teary eyed and numb, I return and sit next to Daphney and Winnie for the next two hours as we wait for more news on Hayden. They look a little perplexed as to my disappearance but don’t ask anything. I think everyone is too distracted with thoughts of Hayden.
I learn from Winnie that the red head is Theo’s girlfriend, Leslie. Leslie was the girl that Hayden mentioned to me a couple weeks ago when he said Theo was falling in love. I can’t help but look at her in wonder after learning that she was the one to find Hayden in his office that’s connected to Theo’s workshop area. Apparently that was where Hayden went to after he left the gala. Drunk. That was where Hayden used a small circular saw blade to…
I bend over to tuck my head between my legs not able to even consider how this could have turned out if she wouldn’t have shown up in time. How she’s even able to stand right now is beyond me. While talking with Theo for a moment, I sussed out that Leslie is “Lezbo”—Frank’
s best friend and one of the roommates at the Brixton mansion with Finley, Brody, Mitch and Julie. Then there’s Liam’s connection to Finley. Theo’s connection to Leslie. What a strange, interconnected swirling this group is that I’ve stumbled into. But they all seem to support each other, wholeheartedly. And here I sit: alone.
Did I ever do that for Hayden? Support him in a healthy way? Hayden struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past, but they were more acceptable things. Things you could yell at him for: Damnit, Hayden, you can’t mix booze with pills! Damnit, Hayden, how could you drink and drive?
But, this? Slicing his own wrists? This was on an entirely different level. What did I really know about Hayden? What did he really know about me? We were too busy avoiding the dark parts to ever really get to know each other. As we wait, I constantly replay the fight we had before he left my flat. The signs were all there. And I didn’t do anything. All I want to do now is see him and hug him and tell him I’m so sorry that I let everything around us continue to stay so horribly dark. I should have been a better friend. I should have helped him face the guilt he felt over Marisa’s death. Helped him remember what he used to love about life. I should have done so much more.
I just need to say those two little words that I never got to say to Marisa.
When the doctor finally comes out, I stand on the outer edge as he informs the family that they are keeping Hayden for a seventy-two-hour psychiatric hold. I exchange withering glances with Leslie because we’re both outsiders in this situation, but we’re both heavily involved, like it or not.
After the doctor leaves, Theo comes over to Leslie and informs her that Hayden requested to speak to her.
“Me, whatever for?” Leslie asks, her face clearly displaying her shock.
I slowly begin to back away from them as they continue their discussion. My heart drops through the floorboards. He wants to see her of all people? After everything? I know she was the one to find him, but still. An incredibly selfish part of me wants to take her place. He doesn’t need to see her. He needs to see me! We need to work through whatever it is we’re going through. Does he not care about mending our friendship? Do I mean so little to him?
