by Honor James
“None of this is your fault, Evangeline,” he said and shifted, tipping her chin up to look at him. “Listen to me and listen well, love. Your ex is responsible. He is the only one that will ever be blamed for this, never you. You are not at fault and no one will ever blame you for something outside your control. The wolves were family. They were trying to help you, just as we would have them if they had been in trouble. They could no more tuck tail, turn, and run than we could if the situation was reversed. Yes, they will be sorely missed and mourned and never easily replaced, for they were ours. But it is not your fault,” he said.
“I feel like it is,” she whispered sadly. “I don’t know that we will ever be able to replace them Ben. They were special, truly and completely special.” Not only because they had tried to help her, but because they had been there with them from the beginning of their relationship. They were family. “Did you make sure that they were put to rest somewhere special, somewhere safe?”
“Tomorrow,” he said softly to her as he stroked his fingers over her cheek. “Tomorrow we are going to give them the ceremony normally reserved for only those of the Royal lineage. They will have the full honors of the King given to them.”
Evan nodded. It was only right that they be laid to rest thusly. “Tomorrow. After tomorrow we will go away for a couple of weeks or months, Ben. We will go away and try to heal while we let your brothers clean our house out. Everything, please. I don’t want anything that’s here now to still be here when we return.” She was being unreasonable, most likely, but she couldn’t help it. “Ask them to bring in a designer and have everything redone and add to the security, please?” Lots more security. Lots.
“Anything you want or need to feel safe here, love,” Ben said unconcerned for the cost. Laszlo had ensured that he and his brothers would never want for money. They all worked, sure, but that was mainly because they got bored much too easily. They all worked hard at what they did, but the money wasn’t the main driving factor. The love of the challenge in their worlds was all they needed to stay happy.
Stroking her hair gently he brushed a kiss over her cheek. “Do you want to go and get some food, love?” he asked her softly knowing she wouldn’t go without him, not with as scared as she was currently.
Evan nodded. “I’m not incredibly hungry but yes, maybe something very light.” She knew she needed to eat but to be honest she wasn’t ready to eat too much. “I love you, Benedek,” she whispered and stood, her hand out for his, unable to move far without him.
Getting to his feet he took her hand in his and pulled her close to wrap his arm around her shoulders. “We’ll go nice and slow, love,” he told her gently. “If at any time it becomes too much, tell me and we will go and raid the brothers for a while. They wanted us to come and stay with them, but I didn’t want to make that choice until you were awake and able to decide for yourself.”
She couldn’t stop the tears. She didn’t even realize they were flowing but they were. Swiping at them with her hand, she sniffed and nodded. “I don’t know that I can stay here, Ben.” She wanted to be as honest with him as possible. “I want to but…” She stopped him outside of their bedroom. In the hall she could still smell the blood and worse in the air. “I can’t. Can we leave?” She needed to be away. She needed to simply be out of their home. The sooner that they were gone and the home could be redone the better.
“Of course we can,” he said softly stroking her cheek lightly with his fingertips. “I have bags packed just inside the door of our bedroom. Let’s grab them and we will leave now and go to Laz’s place,” he told her brushing his lips over her cheeks.
Evan could only nod and leaned into his hand. “I’m ready now if you are, Ben. I will grab a bag if you will.” She needed to have her hand in his. She needed to feel him touching her because if he let her go, she would likely lose her mind.
“Come on then, love,” he murmured lacing his fingers tightly through hers and guiding her back to their room. Lifting her bag he passed it to her before taking up his own and hooking it over his head. Tugging lightly he led her quickly down the hall and out of the house to the SUV parked out front.
Holding her breath as they walked through the house and her eyes closed as well, she waited until she heard the door open before she opened her eyes and breathed once more. “I’m so sorry, darling. I’m so sorry that I’m not stronger and more able to face our own home, Ben.”
Tossing their bags in the back to stroke her hair back and pulled her close to him. “Never apologize for what you are feeling, Evangeline. You were hurt in there. The memories will be there for a time. Don’t ever push them aside or gloss over them just because you don’t want to hurt me. We will work at helping you, love. Whatever it takes no matter how long it takes, we will get you through this.”
Nodding Evan chewed her lower lip and then nodded. “All right, Ben, thank you.” She leaned in close to him, the comfort of his beating heart keeping her grounded, sane. She had gone past the realization she was crying. They simply spilled without thought on her part, releasing as her soul tried to heal.
Pressing his lips to her hair, he held onto her for a long time. “We should go, love,” he said softly. “Climb on up and we can get to Laz’s place and then feed you.” He was worried about her. She needed to eat to help fuel the healing her Wolf was trying to achieve.
It was nearly three full minutes later before Evan could pull out of Ben’s arms. Keeping her hand in his, she walked to the driver’s side after closing the passenger side door. “I don’t want to let you go,” she whispered in explanation and then climbed into the SUV via the driver’s door.
Not complaining, he followed her in and, buckling up, with a small break of their hands, he retook hers and started the truck. Pulling out he stroked her fingers gently with his thumb as he drove through the early morning light toward his big brother’s home. Not that far, but far enough to warrant the truck.
When they came to Laszlo’s and Ben parked before the house, she nodded. “Thank you, Ben, I’m sorry but I just couldn’t stay there. I wish that I could but I couldn’t, it was too much.”
“Don’t worry about it, love,” he said softly as he pushed his door open and waited as she crawled over the seats once more. Tipping his chin to his brother in the doorway, he drug out the bags once again passing her the lighter of the two. “Come on, love,” he murmured tucking her close to his body as he led her up the stairs.
“Des put the back room into order for you two. There’s fresh linens and towels in there. If you need anything,” Laz said quietly looking to Evangeline. “Just let us know.”
She couldn’t look up at them, not yet. It was still far too soon to look into the eyes of the men who seemed to be her brothers, and know that they knew that because of her a whole pack was wiped out. Because of her there was pain and a break in the harmony of the siblings and the packs that lived with them.
“Thanks, Laz,” he said softly. “We’re going to raid your kitchen if you don’t mind and then I think we’ll hit the sack for a few more hours.”
Nodding, Laszlo watched Evangeline and sighed silently. “Desmonda is doing…something in there. If you’re going to cook warn her so she can either bolt for the bathroom or outside for some air,” he told them.
“Thanks, big brother,” Ben said again and encouraged Evangeline inside. He knew what his brother was thinking. The men just didn’t understand why she was so willing to take on so much blame when it was so clear to them and their females that it was not and hadn’t been her fault.
Evan walked into the house with him and paused briefly. “Thank you, Laszlo, for letting us come be with you two for a while.” Breathing in deeply she closed her eyes and then asked, “Desi still isn’t able to hold down food or handle the smells I take it?” Much like her, smells right now were her enemy.
“Unfortunately not,” Laz told her softly sticking his hands into his pocket. He just wanted to hold her and help ease the pain but knew tha
t she wouldn’t allow it and Ben wouldn’t either. “There is a lot of things that have no smell in our kitchen right now so feel free to eat whatever. If you want something that we don’t have, stick it on the list on the fridge.”
“Thanks,” Evan said as she closed her eyes and leaned closer to Ben. “I have to sympathize with Des right now because smells are simply too much for me, too.” Her voice choked slightly as she spoke the truth of the words.
Pressing a kiss to her hair, Ben closed his eyes in pain for his mate. He couldn’t help her and it was killing him.
Clearing his throat Laz nodded and, shutting the door, moved around them slowly knowing it didn’t do to startle a wounded Wolf, whether it was mental or physical. “Des and I will just be in our room. Apparently we have a two box movie we’re watching tonight.”
“A what?” Benedek asked startled by the unusual reference.
Laz rolled his eyes. “She’s now rating movies according to how many tissue boxes she has to use to get through it. All we’ve been watching of late is sappy movies that make her cry. Then I have to listen to a breakdown of the film and then to her complain that her face is all puffy and red and how can I possibly love her.” Sighing he grinned. “God I love that woman but I will be eternally glad when she finally delivers. I don’t think I’ll survive this pregnancy without getting shot at least once.” Sadly, he wasn’t kidding. It had been close the other day when he’d said something flip like normal and ended up looking down the barrel of her service pistol. Why she was still allowed to be armed in her present condition he didn’t know but he was bloody well taking that up with Congress.
Evan could only shake her head and smiled. “She adores you, Laszlo, and you know that you won’t be able to hardly wait until she is pregnant again after she delivers this time round.” And Evangeline knew Desmonda well enough to know that for the truth on her end as well.
“She told me, in no uncertain terms, that if I even thought of doing this to her again within the year she would put so many holes in me that when I drank I’d be like a cartoon with all the liquid pouring out of my sieved self.”
Evangeline grinned and shook her head. “You should likely go, Laszlo. Don’t forget to take her food, too, since you will be doing the whole movie thing, too.” Des’s appetite was legendary. The twins she carried consumed much of her energy and she needed food to replace it with.
“Already got it all up there.” He paused and tipped his head. “She’s probably already gone through it all,” he now grumbled and headed toward the kitchen. “I’d better at least grab more pudding or she’ll kick my ass.”
Shaking her head Evan watched him leave and leaned back against Ben. “If I eat like that when and if we become pregnant, please don’t tease me about it even a little.” She knew that Laszlo teased Desi about her eating and Des just rolled with it, laughing and teasing him right back, but Evan wasn’t sure that she could do that. Not take the teasing the way that it should be taken.
Chapter 8
Wrapping his arms around her fully Benedek kissed her cheek. “Love, if you eat during your pregnancy, when you get pregnant, I will just be happy. I won’t tease, love, not about that and only about anything you’ll let me,” he promised softly. He knew she was extremely sensitive about certain topics and always took care never to push too far in his teasing. “Come on, love, let’s go ditch our bags and then we can get something to eat before we decide what to do for the day.”
“That sounds good.” She knew that Ben was the one man who understood her need to not be teased. She had been through too much in the past that even loving teasing was hurtful if it occurred too often. “I would very much like to go to the lake that Laszlo and Des have behind their home. Can we pack a lunch maybe and just have some time there?”
“Sure we can,” he said and then paused. “But there is one thing, love,” he murmured gently. “Are you going to be okay with the pack?” Ben asked her as carefully as he could. He didn’t know how she’d end up reacting at seeing Laz’s pack running about, especially since they would likely come down to see them if they went to the lake.
“Oh god.” No, she wouldn’t be okay with them. It was too raw, too there, and too new. “I can’t.” She couldn’t, not yet. She couldn’t see the pack and know that they knew that it was because of her that Ben’s pack had been destroyed. She couldn’t do it.
Ben listened as Laz returned to Desmonda and heard the faintest whispers of their voices. “Why, love?” he asked her wanting her to face this at least. “Why won’t you let the pack be there for you, Angel mine? They would only wish to heal and comfort you with their presence.”
“Because it hurts,” Evan admitted to him. “It hurts to see them, to know that because of me we won’t have the new litter coming from the Alpha that the pups will never grow up.” Her eyes watered and the pain was palpable. “I feel responsible. I know you said that I’m not, and a part of me knows that I’m not but I don’t know how else to feel.”
“Oh, love,” he whispered softly hugging her even tighter to him. “No one blames you. You need to know and understand that, Evangeline. Not my brothers, not their mates, not me, and not the packs. We’re all hurting, too, love, and we want you to heal. We want you to let us in to love you and help you to heal. We’re here for you, all of us, to help you get past this and to understand that only one person can be blamed and he’s now dead and the world is a much better place because of it.” Ben hadn’t been there with his brothers or their packs, but he had been told that the man would never, ever again harm another being. Ever.
She wanted to be able to give in to what he was saying. She wanted to be able to just give in to the absolution that he offered but it was so very hard to let go. It had just happened. It was too raw. “I’m trying, Ben, I really am,” she whispered. “So to try…” Taking a slight gulp she added, “We will do our picnic. We will see the other packs.” And hopefully she wouldn’t break down too badly. The loss of the pack was a little more than she was letting on. It was as if she had lost her children with the loss of the pack. They were family and she had watched them die.
He was stunned that she’d given in so easily. Ben would have sworn that he’d have to work her over a little more and wear her down. “All right,” he said warily eyeing her as he wondered what alien entity had taken her over. “Let’s go find something to eat,” he murmured knowing that he might have won that battle but he was nowhere near winning the war.
“But if I want to leave, there are no questions no trying to talk me out of it,” Evangeline added as they began their search for food for a picnic. “I mean it, Ben. If I want to leave, we leave, yes?”
Stopping he looked to her. “Of course, love,” he said mildly stung she’d had to even ask. “You know I’ll do anything you ask, Angel mine, no matter what your health and happiness comes first.” And it always would in his mind.
“I know that I shouldn’t even have to ask if you will because I know that you would do anything that I wanted and needed.” She sighed. “It just, it really hurts and I’m trying, Ben. I really am trying.” She thought that she was doing all right for now with being able to be even mobile less than two days after the attack.
Touching her cheek he pulled her gently toward him. “If you’d rather not do this then say so. I shouldn’t have even considered letting you so soon after everything. Just tell me, Evangeline. Are you going to be able to step out the back door and see the pack?”
“I won’t lie and tell you that I’m not hurting because you can feel it.” Evangeline turned sorrowful eyes up. “But I can’t let him win. He’s dead and he’s gone and I know that, Benedek and I can’t let him continue to rule my life like this. He destroyed so much of our family and I can’t.” She broke in a sob. “I need to do this, if only for a moment and if only to prove to myself that I can.”
Cupping her face he shook his head. “Angel, you have nothing to prove to anyone. You are so strong, love, so perfect, and so very stron
g. Only do what you can and no more. There is no reason to push. We have our whole lives for you to work through everything. You don’t need to rush it within days of such a terrible thing occurring.”
“I have to prove it to myself, Ben,” she whispered and nodded. “I will do what I can and no more. I will tell you when we need to come back inside or leave or whatever else needs to happen but I have to do this, Ben, for me.” She had to prove to herself that she was what Ben thought she was, strong enough to overcome the past.
“All right,” he said softly knowing that she was fighting a battle inside and he had to submit to her will on this. “Let’s grab some food then,” he told her as he stepped back and moved for the refrigerator. He was worried now, worried that she’d overdo it and try to prove she could handle everything and anything.
Evan found the basket that he had told her to use and packed it as he gave her items from the fridge. “Oh, will you also grab some extra juice?” She was nervous, she felt sick to her stomach but she knew that she had to do this. Evangeline knew that she had to face the wolves of Laszlo’s pack so that she could hopefully begin to heal herself.
Nodding he pulled out the additional juice and passed it to her before collecting some paper plates and plastic utensils. A couple napkins and he looked to her. “We have enough food for an army so if we forgot anything, my love, I don’t think we’ll actually care.” He grinned at her.
“That’s a good thing because we will likely end up feeding Laszlo’s wolves more food than we eat.” That was always the way that it was for them when they did this in their wolf pack. “Gods this is hard,” she murmured as she rubbed at her chest. “But it’s necessary and I know that, Benedek.”
