by Diane Farr
Copyright © 2001 by Diane Farr
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.
Hachette Book Group,
237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017,
Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.
The Warner Books name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
First eBook Edition: December 2008
ISBN: 978-0-316-05495-9
Designed by Leah Lococo Ltd
Contents
Dedication
How Do You Know a Single Girl's Home When You See One?
Introduction
I: You Speaking in Code
Titles
Types of Dates
Stages
Long-Distance Operators
Seasonal Lovers
Before, During, and After
Hairy Situations
Fighting
Gifts
When the Fat Lady Sings
II: The Code of Behavior and Ethics
Girls’ Night Out
Making a Move
First Date Forget -Me -Nots
Rules of the Wild
Shopping at the Mall
Wedding Party Politics
Lines to Never Cross
Tests
Kinds of Love
Chick Tricks
III: The Boy Code
What They Say
What They Do
IV: The Mother Code
The Top Five Laws of The Girl Code
In closing, ladies, I leave you with one last quote:
About the Author
This Book Is Lovingly and Laughingly Dedicated to All the Girls Who Have Helped Me Formulate the Woman I Am Today:
Angie Gore
Lauren Bailey and Siany Davies
Lizette Diresta, Melissa Grant, and Colleen Donovan
Cooper, Anj, Laura, Trish, and Jen
Gail, Martha, and Valerie
Michelle, Becky, and Vicki
Shari, Petra, Jane, and Donna Cohen
Karen Gallagher, Rosalind, Sabrina, and Karin Graz
Nanci Ryder, Amanda Scholer.and Pam Ellis
Terri Kent and Gurmukh Kaur
Amanda Murray
Aunt Kathy, Aunt Sandy, Nena Ferriero, and Kathy Grant
Mommy and Grandma
and My Eternal Best Girlfriend:
Kristin Graziani
And the Very Special Boys Who Have Reared Me to This Point, for Better or Worse:
Michael Kernan
Louie Baldonieri and Barry Littman
Carlos, Kerry, and Omar
Jeff Holder, John Stevens, and Nick Kiriazis
Yosef Brody, Anthony Guerra, and Owen Bailey
David Stanley and Scott Stone
Michael Morrison
Jeradi, Bruno, Backley, Langley.Gilmore and Kelly
Billy, Paul Ryan, and Dad
and The Great Guy Who Told Me
I Should Write This Crap Down:
Kent Wakeford
How Do You Know a Single Girl's Home When You See One?
1. She has way too many shoes and not enough pots or pans.
2. A minimum of five products that men don't recognize are strewn around the bathroom sink.
3. There's the obligatory chair in her bedroom covered by numerous failed outfits.
4. Her fridge contains at least one alcoholic beverage, one low-calorie item, and probably not much else.
5. There are more candles than lightbulbs in every room.
6. Even if she's thirty, you can still find a packet of ramen noodles somewhere in her cabinets.
7. There is no answering machine (because she knows voice mail is more discreet).
8. Somewhere there is a backpack, in case she needs to make use of a Eurail pass just once (or again).
9. There is a personal computer or a fax machine in evidence, but not a vacuum cleaner to be found.
10. There is a nightstand with a drawer, near the bed, to hide all sorts of things in.
(P.S. And if she's having a lucky streak, she's not there in the morning.)
If you meet three of these requirements, don't have a wedding band, and no longer live with your parents:
then this is the book for you.
You should probably read this whole book before going out this weekend, to remind yourself you're not alone.
Introduction
Get On
Your
Broom
and Go
This handy guide and phrase book was created to unite and amuse all women by pointing out our common vocabulary—all the slang terms, euphemisms, common wisdom, and girl speak we've picked up along the way. As such, this book is essentially an homage to friendship and should serve as a reminder that good girlfriends and laughter can get you through anything.
Part One of this book is a dictionary of common language that all single women share, which is born of the heartache and laughter that later we call “wisdom.” It is presented here as simple terms that you and your friends might use when philosophizing about the ups and downs of the dating roller coaster that we all ride for an unspecified time. These are the homespun terms and shorthand references that you begin collecting in high school, further cultivate in college, reinvent with your first apartment roommates, and finally perfect somewhere between twentyfive and forty. Laugh with your fellow females over this vernacular we share, but don't tell the boys…if you give them too much information, they may use it against you later.
The Girl Code is also a long-overdue public airing of how women behave in packs—whether it be in dorm rooms or boardrooms, coffee shops or bathrooms, and a few boundaries that we need to draw between us about men.
Part Two is the implied code of behavior, ethics, and essential do's and don'ts that all you cool girls live by. As every girl knows, together we are a powerful force that abides by our own rules. If you are reading this book you've been living under these unspoken laws for at least eighteen years, but if you somehow missed out on why you keep losing girlfriends and botching up relationships, this should explain it. Welcome to the bible of being a girl's girl. These codes can and should be held against you in a court of public opinion by the sorority of sisters you hang out with.
Let's put it this way, ladies: If Lord of the Flies was about a group of girls stranded on a desert island, Piggy would have been lynched within three days, and this book will clearly explain why.
Most important, this book is not about how to “catch” a man.
We have a deodorant made for women but we can refuse to ever wear parity hose if we so choose. If we work hard, never marry, and renounce the right to bear children, no one will even look twice. We certainly don't need another book telling us how “tricking a man” into our lives is good for us.
This book is intended to be a sigh of relief, a reminder to all single girls that they are certainly not alone. And most of us are so by choice, whether we know it or not. This solo time in your life, dedicated just to you, should include space to make mistakes and have many more laughs with your girlfriends.
Married women will also enjoy these pages, as you recall the days before finding your soul mate, life partner, husband, or dirty old man. It's a dose of the reality of dating life and a healthy antidote to your overromanticized memories of it. You will also find that most codes of behavior between you and your girlfriends remain the same, even though your single friends tell you it's different now, just because you're off the market.
There are many definitions in this book, but let's begin with two impo
rtant ones:
SINGLE: Being a single girl doesn't mean that you are loveless; it simply means that you are unmarried and that you still think of yourself first and foremost (which you have every right to do). You may be in a relationship and expect to one day marry your current date, but for the time being you don't share the same domicile or the same name with him.
GIRL: Any female who still has hopes for her future and the life force of a blooming flower is still a girl in my book (literally). As a matter of fact, my grandmother is one of the youngest girls I know.
And finally, who the hell am I? I am a single girl just like you (or the friend you will be sharing this book with) who simply took the time to write down all the best coffee-talk-philosophies I've ever heard. You know, all the war-story wisdom and homemade terms that you and all your friends, and I and all my friends, have been laughing over for years. I am also an actress you may have seen in many television shows like, The Drew Carey Show, Roswell, and Arliss (and hopefully by the time this is published, you'll have also seen me in a couple of good movies). Currently, I am the female star opposite Denis Leary on that “little cop show” on ABC.
But most of you will know me best from my years on that MTV show Loveline. Yeah, that's me, the one with the big laugh, flippy hair, and pretty strong opinions about anything I could get a word in edgewise on. After listening to 165 episodes of what's on women's minds, I know how much we really need a laugh. Playing young America's female voice on TV, giving lectures at universities across the country, and generally keeping my eyes open when I leave the house have shown me more than ever how much we also have to be thankful for.
However, what really qualifies me to write this book is the most exceptional gift I have been given: I have always been blessed with a glorious array of girlfriends. I was lucky enough to have two great brothers, but nothing in the sister department. Nothing biological, anyway…and I think girls who are sisterless sometimes work harder to find special women to grow up beside, all their lives. There are at least thirty-five women in my life who have saved me thousands of hours of therapy. Actually, they are my therapy. It is they who have inspired this book and, unknowingly, coauthored it with me. We've been writing it together all my life.
And as you chuckle along with me in these pages, you will probably experience a wave of nostalgia yourself. You really should get out that address book and dial up your old friends. I believe losing girlfriends leaves a permanent scar on your soul, so I hope this inspires you to reach out and touch someone, before it's too late.
For me it's the members of “Club 66” who span from first grade to twelfth; the “B-2 warriors” in college; the “British princesses,” who taught me to speak English at university; fellow “waitresses” from NYC (who are the hardest-working actresses I've ever worked with); and finally the “fab chicks” in Los Angeles that I call my closest friends, who consistently prove that real women can survive there.
I
You Speaking in Code
You know those little disclaimers on the sides of cigarettes and alcohol? Well, if your next date came with a warning label, it would contain the following information down the side of his leg. This is the common language of girlfriends who've been there..
Titles
“We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
—ANAÏS NIN
THE BOY
If you change suitors so fast that they rarely achieve name status, a man must be around for at least six weeks before you make your friends bother to learn his first name. Until such time, he should be referred to by this generic title.
For Women Who:
Need to explain to numerous people what's going on in their love life,
Are between the ages of sixteen and twenty-one or over twenty-seven,
Have overbearing mothers and aunts in their life,
Have called off more than one engagement.
As a Modifier: “It's been two months now; I think the boy has reached name status: His name is Dick, and I'm pretty sure he isn't one.”
MR. RIGHT NOW
This is the guy friend of yours who doesn't have a real job, and is always ready and available when you want to party till dawn, and do things you wish you didn't remember in the morning. He's not “Mr. Right,” but he may be good enough to be “Mr. Right Now.”
When to Retire Him:
Immediately after college,
When you're not so afraid of a real man,
When he asks you for cab fare home,
After a particularly lonely holiday season.
As an Excuse: “It's not that I'm afraid of a committed relationship; at the moment all I need is to find a new keg and to pull Mr. Right Now out from underneath the empty one.”
THE [FILL IN THE BLANK] GUY
When you've just met a man and know little to nothing about him but you need to identify him during girl talk, so you use one example of who he is, something he has, or what he does, and he becomes…that guy.
Best Types of References:
The kind of car he drives (The Camaro Guy),
His occupation (The Personal Trainer Guy),
Where you met him (The Four A.M. in the Taxi Guy),
The way in which he behaved in the morning
if you've already woken up with him (The Cuddle Guy, The Bad Breath Guy, The Up and Run Guy, etc.)
As an Object: “He's the guy that slipped the martre d’ twenty dollars for the table, spoke to the waitress like a human, and never had to use his napkin through all of dinner—you know, the Good Manners Guy.”
THE TAKE-HOME PROJECT
When you feel like ignoring some larger issues in your own life, so you invest in a fixer-upper guy—who will cost you nothing but time, money, energy, and happiness. Inevitably, you learn that someone else has recouped his resale value.
Hello! You Will Never:
Fix him to your liking,
Change anything but the window dressing,
Turn him into the guy who got away,
Build the bionic man (…Farrah tried and she couldn't do it, even with all that hair).
As a Reminder: “Forget him, he can't even dress himself and you don't have the patience for a take-home project.”
A BENEFACTOR
This is a polite title for that 35-45-year-old man who dates 19-25-year-old women. Having one always seems so original (and economical) at first, because he takes you to many more exciting places than guys your own age do and, of course, he pays for everything.
(But don't think you invented this: In the old days they just called him a Sugar Daddy.)
Things to Look Out for:
A wife,
Some kids,
The fact that you're a grown man's Barbie doll,
That anyone who can hang out with someone who's
fifteen years younger than him is a loser.
As a Reprimand: “No, he's not my father…he's my benefactor; and who cares if he's bald, he pays!”
P.D.A. BOY
The guy you go out in public with and agree to hold hands with, kiss, hug, sit on the same side of the booth with, or show any other Public Display of Affection, before determining boyfriend status.
Usually Causing:
Your friends to abuse you,
Your feelings for him to escalate unrealistically,
One person to suspect the other likes him or her too much too soon,
An inappropriate use of the boyfriend title or “I love you” phrase.
As an Error: “So there's me and P.D.A. boy making out in the pizza place, and in walks my boss: Kill me now.”
A WELCOME MAT
This is what your friends call you when you keep taking back the guy who only comes a-knockin’ on your door for one thing: sex, drugs, or rock ‘n’ roll. (We could have just called you a doormat, but you're always so damn friendly when he shows up.)
When Did You Decide:
To act like AstroTurf?
That he's so much bet
ter than you are?
That you didn't need therapy anymore?
That the girl who tortured you in grammar school was right?
As a Wake-Up Call: “Yeah, I'm sure he meant to call you, because everyone wants to check in on a welcome mat after they tread on it.”
LUGGAGE
After you or your man has told the other to get lost and you keep finding each other at events of mutual interest. If you tossed him, he's the luggage, and what's required is a game of ditch. If he tossed you, then you're the luggage, and this is a game of looking as though you're having a good time without him.
Necessary Requirements:
At least one ally to help you ditch or save face,
A mineral water because alcohol will kill you here,
A good seat for viewing or hiding,
A ladies’ room to escape to if the game gets too intense.
As a Plea to God: “I must have ‘Samsonite Customer Service’ stamped right on my forehead, because I cannot lose this luggage for the life of me.”
Types of Dates
“In term s of dating—style, not sincerity, is the important thing.”
—OSCAR WILDE
BOOTY CALL
This kind of rendezvous begins after one of you has already been out for the night. It starts with a post-midnight phone call that you make or receive from a place with loud music. It includes brief, often unintelligible, yet urgent conversation and ends with “See you in fifteen minutes.”
Things to Keep in Mind:
The guy who's calling will never be your boyfriend,
The call itself can be seen as a symptom of alcoholism,
Don't go on this kind of date looking for a nice conversation,
This no-strings-attached encounter can nevertheless be the best reason to stay friends with ex-boyfriends.
As an Addition to Your Evening: “The phone is ringing at one A.M.…I'm so glad I didn't take my makeup off cause you just know that's a booty call.”
SEMI-ANNUAL BOYFRIEND
Describes a man you see twice a year for either Christmas and Easter, Rosh Hashanah and Passover, Ramadan or Kwanza, or a couple of those weddings you just can't face alone. General Rule: The less he talks, the better it works.
