by Diane Farr
—PATRICIA FARR (MY MOTHER)
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
Women's intuition works in one direction only: If you think he's a good guy, you might be wrong…but if you think he's a bad guy, you are most definitely right.
FIRST-DATE “IN CASES”
First: Have your own transportation and your own cash in case everything goes wrong.
Second: Have three prepared questions and three rehearsed stories in case the conversation lapses.
Third: Have an escape plan—somewhere you have to be (really early) in the morning—in case you need an emergency exit.
THE NUMBERS GAME
If he has your home phone number, don't give him the address. If he has your work number, don't give him your home one. If he takes you out of town for the day, ask for a phone number where people can reach you. If he thinks you're weird, then maybe he isn't. It's always better to be safe than sorry.
ZONING LAWS
On your first date, your hands communicate the important messages.
Touching between the wrist and the biceps are signs of warmth, yet not leading.
Touching the inside of hand, cheek, neck, and feet are considered making a move.
Touching the lower thigh, top of hand, waist, or back of head are just plain confusing.
Any place not mentioned indicates you want to have sex within the hour.
TAKE ‘EM OFF THE MENU
There are many food items you should avoid on first dates. Here's a quick guide of things to skip:
Italian: No linguine, cappelline, or fettuccine
Pizza: Toppings are not your friend
Indian: Those foods with awesome powers over your bowels that may take effect before you get home
Seafood: Any crustacean that requires you to use your hands in order to eat it
BLUE BLOODS
When you ask your date where he went to college and instead of a name he tells you, “New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, or Boston,” it means he went to an Ivy League school.
The following rules apply:
Do not drink white wine with dinner,
Do not have more than two glasses of red,
Do not sleep with him for at least three months, and
Do not talk about nude photos of yourself
POWER MATING
When your dinner conversation feels more like a job interview and you sense that he is trying to decide if your assets will enhance his social or financial portfolio enough that he should bother to take himself off the market, run for the door: Dating is not supposed to be a power struggle. You lose this one even when you win.
CHECK DIPLOMACY
On the first date, it's always best to offer to pay for half, for several reasons:
(1) If you want to be an equal, then you should act like one
(2) It calms his fears about needy women
(3) If he lets you, you know you should probably just get out now
(4) It keeps him wondering whether or not you're interested
THE UGLY UNDERWEAR RULE
If you really want to hook up on a first date, wear your ugliest underwear. Inevitably, you'll hook up.
THE UNSHAVEN LEGS RULE
If you apply this and the ugly underwear rule at the same time, you'll probably marry the guy.
R.K.
When the date is over and you think you like him but you're still not exactly sure, a little Recreational Kissing probably won't hurt him or you. And…it may help answer that question of whether you're interested.
I.R.K.
Irresponsible Recreational Kissing is when you make out with him because you foolishly think you have to or when you already know you're not interested and just aren't mature enough to say so.
PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF
If a girlfriend was kind enough to loan you an outfit for this important evening out, make sure you dry-clean it immediately. Don't keep it, thinking you have some nostalgic right to adopt it. Return it—cleaned—by next weekend, or you could karmicly damage the date you just had. (Not really, but return her damn clothes anyway.)
Rules of the Wild
“Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.”
—JOHN MILTON
LOOSE WOMEN 101
If you want a one-night stand with any man, at any time, for any reason, if it's cool with you—then more power to you. But let's go over the basics:
(1) Don't expect a meaningful relationship with him afterward
(2) Don't expect the sex to be above average
(3) If he's been your good friend for a long time, you can pretty much kiss the friendship good-bye
(4) Don't get emotional about him just before, midway through, or ever after
(5) Don't bother wasting any time regretting it
NO-SPOONING ZONE
If you take a guy home and have your way with him immediately, do not attempt to curl up and cuddle afterward. Men don't like cuddling anyway; he certainly doesn't want to bother with the warrior princess who just slayed him.
SLUMBER-FREE ZONE
One-night stands are not slumber parties, ladies; this was about one thing only. You weren't invited to sleep over, so get while the getting's good.
THE REVOLVING DOOR
If you brought him home to your house, don't be afraid to show him the door when you're done.
Nice girls can ask a man to leave. Smile as you say: “Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.”
LIMB SNACKING
When you fail to follow the rules of leaving immediately, you will wake up in the morning and realize that you now have to chew your arm off to sneak out without waking the beast. No matter what, they never look as good in the morning.
THE WALK OF SHAME
As every college graduate knows, this is the stroll home after your indecent act, which everyone who sees you knows you just committed, because you're in some outfit that reeks of “I wore this ensemble last night…and am just going home now.” It's usually accentuated by a hairdo that looks the same.
SEXUAL HANGOVER
You know the guilt that accompanies excessive drinking? Multiply it times ten, and now you know what to expect the day after a one-night stand. P.S. This hangover doesn't go away as fast as the drinking kind.
MERCY F**K
When you've held out for so long that you actually take pity on the man before breaking off your sexless relationship, so you just give him a piece of the pie, so to speak, before letting him go.
REBOUND RUN-IN
When you've been broken up with a guy for a really long time, and you just happen to see him out somewhere. Do all the catching up you want until you sleep with him; then just consider yourselves all caught up and move on.
LOVE SLAVE
If you see any man (including an ex-boyfriend) on a number of occasions, over any length of time, for one purpose only. Even though it's a common occurrence, in spirit it counts as a one-night stand.
HOWEVER
If you sleep with a guy on a first date, it does not necessarily constitute a one-night stand. You may go on to have a long-term relationship. Then again, he could change his opinion of you after having sex so soon…but then what the hell would you want with him anyway.
Shopping at the Mall
“lago was nothing compared to some of the women I went to high school with.”
—D.F.
NO SIMULTANEOUS TRY-ONS
Never ever try on the same article of clothing that your friend is trying on. At best, this causes insecurity in both parties. At worst, it inspires an unnecessary and false sense of hubris in one friend and anywhere from three days to three weeks of depression in the other.
GETTING A PERMISSION SLIP
If your girlfriend purchases an article of clothing and you will absolutely die without it, you must ask her permission before buying it for your own collection.
Warning: Do not attempt to buy the article and rationalize that you will never wear it in her presenc
e, because you know you will run into her one evening when you're both wearing it.
STIPULATIONS TO PERMISSION SLIPS
(1) When verbally applying for a permission slip, you must solemnly swear that you will always clear it with her when you want to wear the article.
(2) You must also affirm that you will always give credit where credit is due and tell any mutual friend who compliments you that she had it first.
CLONING
When you realize that you're buying item number three that your friend already owns, you are now officially a clone of your friend. If you find yourself in this situation, it is time to stop shopping and go get a therapist. (And just so you know, her friends call you a loser behind your back.)
AVOIDING THE CLAWS
Wherever possible, try to shop with a friend who has a relatively similar body type and a relatively similar wallet size. Too many hours in a department store with women who are excessively thin or excessively rich can drive even the kindest girl to random acts of violence.
BARNYARD DRESSING ROOMS
You know those communal fitting rooms that force you to change your clothes in front of everyone else? The ones with no privacy and not even a curtain to hide behind? Don't shop there.
First of all, you all look like a bunch of cows grazing on marked-down items. Second, it's hard to feel fabulous in a potential new dress with naked people around you. General Rule: Naked will always upstage you.
VICTORIA'S OTHER SECRET
Don't go underwear shopping with your girlfriends. It's just weird.
SANDAL-READY FEET
If your friend hasn't learned the importance of a pedicure, don't let her go trying on strappy little sling backs. Keep her moving toward the tall boot section no matter what…or you will be the one explaining why even the salesmen keep their distance.
COAT CLUSTERS
The only time it is okay to have the same coat as your friend is when you are on the same sports team, in the same sorority, or working together at the same company and they were free. Automatic Exceptions: when you're sleeping with men who are on the same team, in the same fraternity, or working for the same company.
MI CASA NO ES TU CASA
Don't buy your friends decorative items for their homes. Your taste is not their taste, and they can't even return your gifts if they don't like them because they know you are going to look for them when you come over.
QUICK CUTS
It is never cool to have the same haircut as your friend. Similar can be cute; the same practically implies lesbianism. And while you're at it: Don't get your hair cut at the mall anyway.
ANIMALS US
Don't go to those pet stores in the mall with fellow females. You already know it makes you smell like cat litter for the rest of the day, but you may not know what two women together in a pet store also stink of: impending spinsterhood.
Wedding Party Politics
“Old friendship does not rust.”
—HENRIK IBSEN
FIRST-ROUND DRAFTS
In case everyone has forgotten, the bride-to-be picks her bridesmaids because they are close friends, not because they're a perfect size six. If you skip your closest friends, for the ones who look prettiest in photos, no one will ever be over to see them.
UNIFORM HELL
The time to think about a bridesmaid's dress size is when you are choosing the dress. Putting a size fourteen-plus friend in a pink sequin sweetheart neck with no sleeves will be seen as an act of aggression, not friendship. If you make your bridesmaids look like a sideshow, they're going to steal your spotlight, to both of your dismay.
SOME PERSPECTIVE
Though brides want to believe that their bridesmaids will do differently, no one ever wears their dress again. We don't shorten it, we won't redye the shoes, and usually the whole ensemble takes up valuable closet space for up to five years. So never kid yourself, it's destined for the garbage.
A THOUSAND-DOLLAR WEEKEND
The outfit your bridesmaids will love you for is the one they don't spend a lot of money on. How much is too much? Decide which bridesmaid in your party makes the least amount of money, estimate her daily take, and multiply by two. That's how much she should pay for the tent and tires she has to buy and wear on your important day.
HONOR AMONG MAIDS
All weddings have glitches and all wedding parties are dysfunctional, and the maid of honor is honorbound to keep the bride in the dark. For instance: Control the details, organize the shopping, edit the backstabbing, and keep her mother as far away from her as you can.
IT'S NOT A EULOGY
In recent years, maids of honor have started giving toasts at receptions and have subsequently been screwing it up as much as the best men ever did. Handy Tip: Keep in mind that Nana doesn't need to know little details like how many people the bride slept with before this fool, when this couple really consummated their relationship, or insider bets on when the divorce will be. Keep it light and fluffy, girls.
STRIP-CLUB TRYOUTS
The dance floor at a wedding reception is not boogie wonderland. You're in a dress, act like a lady.
DID YOU NOTICE THE COCKTAIL RECEPTION ALSO SERVES FOOD?
Pacing your liquor intake at weddings is key to remaining friends with the couple afterward. Most people getting married these days are over twenty-one years old; you should know how to drink by now. Too much liquid and not enough substance will have you passing out on Aunt Peggy or Uncle Joe.
PINK TAFFETA PUNCHES
The tossing of the bouquet is not a championship face-off of single women. And very likely, the woman you body-check will be standing next to you at next year's wedding, too. It's just a ritual, not a rite of passage…let it go.
BEAR TRAPS
When you are about to hook up with a groomsman early on at the event, ask yourself a few important questions before proceeding. For instance: Do you have a date coming later who will surely find out? Does he have a date coming later who may endanger your ridiculous bridesmaid hairdo? And more to the point: Is he hot enough to do it anyway?
KEEP YOUR DRESS ON HERE!
Number one thing to keep in mind: DO NOT HOOK UP IN THE WEDDING SUITE.
Not in the bathroom, not in the chair, not on the floor, and, dear Lord, not in the bed. Not even if the wedding is your sister's, your best friend's, or even your mother's. And while you're at it: Stay out of the limos, too.
Lines to Never Cross
“Men are like buses…you sit at the stop long enough and another one comes along—but girlfriends are like Maseratis: few and far between.”
—D.F.
GIRLFRIENDS ARE THICKER THAN BOYFRIENDS
There is NEVER EVER any good reason to get involved with your friend's boyfriend. Just as oil is thicker than water, and the two don't mix well, the same goes for a friendship with her and crossing the line with him. This is the essence of being a girl's girl.
The song was wrong…stand by your friend.
NOSE PICKING
Remember the old saying “It's okay to pick your nose, and it's okay for your friend to pick her nose, but it's not okay to pick,…” the same applies here:
You can date your old boyfriend's friend, but you can never date your friend's old boyfriend. No matter when they broke up, stay away. Remember: He may not still be hers in fact, but he should always be lifers in anecdote.
DON'T SHOP IN OTHER PEOPLE'S CLOSETS
Say you meet a man and he likes you but has some girlfriend that you don't know and probably never will: there is still no reason to go there.
First of all: If he really liked you, he would free himself from her before pursuing you.
Second: If he'll cheat on her, he'll probably cheat on you.
Third: He believes the same of you.
Last but not least: Karma is a real and powerful thing that doesn't only exist in Tibet.
IN-CASE-OF-EMERGENCY BOYFRIEND
This is that guy friend of yours who you secretly know
is just waiting around for the day you give up on the dating scene and just date him….because he's sure if you gave him a chance, you could actually like him “that way.” You know you will never like him “that way”—why screw up the friendship?
IN-CASE-OF-EMERGENCY HUSBAND
This is a different guy friend of yours, with whom you share an unspoken pact that if both of you get to a “certain age” and neither of you has found someone, that you'll just marry each other. Yeah, that's a healthy idea.
CLEARANCE-RACK SPECIALS
This is the guy you dated years ago who checks in every so often to see if you're finally ready to settle for his crap. Usually, he also has the gumption to tell you that his crap hasn't changed, but it's still on sale for you, at the same special rate. What a bargain!
THE FAG HAG PHILOSOPHY
This is the gay guy you are secretly in love with that you sit around waiting for the day he suddenly wakes up and realizes he can't be gay because you're so damn fabulous for him! Yeah right, that might happen.
KNOW YOUR RATIO
When you've been dating the same man for a while and need to decide when to pay, employ this ratio:
Struggling artist or college student: He pays for one and you pay for one.
Between twenty-two and twenty-eight years old and wears a suit: He pays for three and you pay for one.
Anyone over thirty who's not in recovery:
He pays for five and you pay for one.
Anyone more than eight years your senior or over forty: He pays.
DOUBLES
Double dates were created for people who are bored of talking to each other. There's no need to bother with them until you have reached such a point. But when you get there…
Refrain from: Excessive chatting with the other man at the table, Taking potshots at your date for the other couple's amusement, Relentlessly describing dietary needs or overwhelming the waitress by rewriting the menu.
YOUR TEAM
When you're out with your friends and bringing your man along, remember to:
