Will didn’t say goodbye to Julia. They stayed in bed, making love and holding each other until it was time for him to leave. She said she didn’t want goodbyes, so he held her close and waited until he was certain she was asleep.
He watched her sleeping while he quietly got dressed, then leaned down and breathed her in one last time, kissed her lightly on her forehead, then whispered in her ear, “Always, Julia. I will love you always.” Then, forcing himself to turn away, he gently closed the door behind him.
It’s the hardest thing he’s ever done.
He left part of himself in that room with Julia. The best part. His hope, his love, his joy.
The pain is excruciating, unbearable…and no less than he deserves. The self-flagellation began the moment he closed the door. He’s a sinner. A selfish man. Pathetic. He walked away from the woman he loves, too weak to handle the complications of staying, afraid of disappointing everyone but Julia. She’s the sacrificial lamb.
During the train ride back to Florence, Will brings his emotions into check, steeling himself for his ‘reunion’ with his fiancé. He doesn’t want to give Avery any reason to question his activities during his absence, if she’s even curious.
He stares absently out the window of the train into the darkness. His body is tense, and his jaw aches from clenching it tightly over the past few hours. He’ll crumble if he allows himself the luxury of feeling anything at all.
By the time the train approaches the station in Florence, what’s left of his mangled heart is as hard as stone.
Chapter Nineteen
It’s a blur, the six months since his return from Italy, a time of huge life changes, and a whirlwind of meaningless activity. He intentionally keeps his mind occupied with tasks, big and small, or it’ll break into a million small pieces.
When he returned to the States in November, Will made the decision to move back to Rhode Island. He wants to be near his family and now that his father’s health is improving, he has no objection to Will moving back home.
Julia’s always on his mind. No matter where he is or what he’s doing, she haunts his every waking breath. Lying in bed at night he replays every moment of their two days in Verona in his head, over and over again. He’s become a masochist, torturing himself with memories of their time together, caught somewhere in the gap between pleasure and pain, and it has to stop!
Something snapped in him on the train back to Florence and he hasn’t been the same since. Will’s angry with God, and himself, and fate. He’s in an impossible situation. He can’t win, no matter what.
If he follows his heart, he destroys Avery again, and embarrasses his parents. If he stays with her, he forfeits his happiness, but everyone else is satisfied. Except Julia. By forfeiting his happiness, does he take away hers? That thought plagues him.
While Avery was still in Europe, Will called to inform her of his plan to relocate. He hoped she’d refuse to move and break off their engagement, indignant that he’d made a life-altering decision without her.
But she didn’t care. She thought it was a wonderful idea, and plans to finish her associate’s degree at RISD, and help her mother with the final details for their wedding upon her return from Florence.
By December, Will had the townhouse on the market and began applying for jobs in the Providence-Boston metro area, and in February he accepted a new job at a private equity firm in Providence and bought a house on Poppasquash, a few streets over from his parents.
The house is on the water, and cost more than he wanted to spend, but his new base salary is more than double what he was making working for the government. He wants to be on the water, it soothes him.
Avery loves the new house. Or will love it, she said, once they finish remodeling. Will is living there alone until the wedding. He’s doing some of the work on the place himself and has insisted Avery wait until after the wedding to move in, out of respect for his parents. She thinks he’s being ridiculous, but he’s not budging an inch on this one.
Will needs this time to himself. Just a few months to wrap his head around the next stage of his life.
He had another dream about Julia last night and in it they were married, and she was having his baby. These dreams tear him apart. While he’s dreaming he feels such happiness, he wants to stay asleep so he can be with Julia, but the disappointment he feels when he opens his eyes is too much.
In two weeks he’s marrying Avery. What’s going to happen when he wakes up next to his wife, having spent the night dreaming of another woman? My wife… he can’t begin to think of Avery as his wife! It’s wrong, all of this…just wrong.
Every time he dreams of Julia it takes him half the morning to snap out of his fog of sadness. And once he does, he gets angry. Will doesn’t want to be around anyone, especially his sister.
Ellie’s made her feelings clear about his impending marriage. He’s making a huge mistake.
He’s made his feelings clear to her. Stay the fuck out of it.
He doesn’t know what to do with these feeling of rage. There’s no one to point a finger at, no one to blame for his current circumstances. He did this to himself. All of his sins have caught up to him and he is paying the price.
This morning he tried to fall back asleep, wanted desperately to believe he was married to Julia…but they’re not. It’s just a fantasy. Julia will never be his wife.
He jumped out of bed and splashed cold water on his face, then he ran for miles, hoping to outrun his memories. When that didn’t work, he came down into the basement, turned up the music and picked up a hammer, pounding it into two pieces of wood, over and over, smashing them until the boards splinter.
Throwing the hammer down to the ground, he slides to the floor, his back against the washing machine, and covers his eyes, his shoulders shaking, trying desperately to hold back the tears. Why? Why can’t I forget her? Why can’t I have her?
“Will.”
He lifts his head, and quickly wipes his face as Ellie walks toward him. How long has she been standing there? She sits on the basement floor beside him, wraps her arm around him and he clings to her, six months worth of tears spilling onto her shoulder.
He’s tried to be strong, especially in front of Ellie, but she knows him too well. She and Kevin are moving back to town, and under different circumstances, he’d be happy his sister will be living close by again, but not now. He’ll be living under the microscope of Ellie’s watchful, judgmental eye.
“Start from the beginning,” she says opening the bottle of vodka she brought with her and hands it to him. He takes a big swig from the bottle, passes it back to her and she does the same. Will rests his head against the washer and sighs.
“I saw Julia in Italy…”
He tells Ellie about their chance meeting, spending the day and night with her, and Julia’s acceptance of his situation.
“She didn’t seem bitter or hurt. She never once asked me about Avery.” He takes another drink, “I don’t know El, she seemed… happy.” He rubs his fingers over his eyes and turns to his sister, “She said our time together was a gift.”
“How did you leave things with her?” Ellie asks, wiping away her tears.
“Julia asked me to hold her till she fell asleep and slip out so she wouldn’t have to say goodbye.” He swallows hard and closes his eyes. “So I did.”
He’ll never get that image out of his head…Julia sleeping in a white cloud of sheets and blankets. And he’ll never forget the sound of the door locking behind him as he walked away from her.
“You left her there sleeping?” Ellie blows her nose with her shirt and he nods his head. She takes a huge gulp of vodka and passes the bottle to him.
“Will…what are you going to do?”
Here it comes.
He takes a swig from the bottle, steeling himself for the ensuing argument. He knows how she feels, and he can’t change that.
“Will, please listen to me.” She grabs his hand, squeezing it between hers, �
�You can’t marry Avery. I beg you to reconsider this. God brought you and Julia together in a foreign land for fuck’s sake! That wasn’t a chance meeting, Will. That was fate!”
“It’s too late, El.” He shakes his head, “I’m getting married in two weeks.”
“So what!” She kneels in front of him, “People cancel weddings all the time!”
“I can’t do that to Avery.”
“Avery! What about you?” Ellie shouts. “What about your happiness? Why are you willing to sacrifice your life for that woman? It doesn’t make any sense! Please tell me why?”
Her eyes are pleading with him to explain, but Will can’t do this again. He can’t have this argument with Ellie again. His face hardens with determination, an icy mask forming a barrier between them.
“The reasons I do things, Ellie, are my own. I won’t discuss them.”
She recoils from his words and rises, her body trembling with anger.
“Will. You are my brother, and I love you dearly. But I’m telling you now, you’ll live to regret this decision. God sent you a miraculous sign from above, a precious gift and you’re throwing it back in His face. Shame on you. I won’t watch you ruin your life. I will not go to that sham of a wedding.”
He meets his sister’s gaze with a steely glint in his eyes, his resolve firmly back in place.
“Then don’t come.”
Ellie opens her mouth to speak, then closes it, nods her head and leaves.
***
Julia never regretted the night she spent with Will in Verona. When she woke from her nap later that evening, he was gone as she expected he would be. Her heart ached but she couldn’t muster up a single tear.
She wants to be with him more than anything, but he has to come to her with an open heart and a guilt-free conscience or what they have, no matter how beautiful and special, will never work. It’s out of her hands.
She has a better understanding of their relationship now. They may never be together, but they’ll always share something special, even if Will never knows it. She can’t change that. She loves him, but she’s experienced a love more meaningful in the wake of their night together.
They created something so precious… a constant reminder of their soulful connection. A bit of beauty in the midst of darkness, an unexpected gift when she needed it most.
His name is Liam, and from the moment he was born, he’s become the light and love of her life.
Living out of her backpack, travelling from city to city, and country to country, she simply didn’t notice she’d skipped two cycles. The grand discovery was made when Julia was about twelve weeks along.
She never had any morning sickness, but her breasts were tender and her bras were getting tight. One night in early March, she was lying in her bed at a youth hostel in Paris, thinking about Will, about their last night together, and it clicked. Sore and swollen breasts. No period. I’m pregnant.
She was numb for about five minutes, then holding her hands over her bloated stomach, she was overcome with emotion. Will’s here with me. The words floated through her head all evening, comforting her.
The following day she took three tests and confirmed her suspicion, and when the plus signs appeared in the window on all three pregnancy tests she could hardly breathe. The feeling of peace she experienced the night before, when her pregnancy was just a possibility, quickly disappeared and was replaced with fear.
She wandered along the banks of the Seine and took a few days to consider her options, unwilling to make this decision without careful consideration, but in the end she understood this baby was meant to be.
Something bigger than them brought Julia and Will together in Verona, and this baby is the physical evidence of their love for one another. She can’t have Will, but she can have his child to love. That has to be enough.
Once she made the decision to keep their baby, Julia embraced her situation. She had no doubt there’d be many challenges along the way. The life of a single mother isn’t easy, but she was ready for the responsibility. Well…as ready as anyone could be under those circumstances.
This isn’t the life path she thought she’d follow. She was going to run a museum, that was her plan. Leaving the Cloisters wasn’t the end of her career, it was the beginning. Throughout her journey, she’s been investigating opportunities at various museums. Florence? Rome? Venice? Paris? London? Prague? Which city would she call home?
The possibilities were endless…until she peed on that stick.
Now? The lens of life’s camera has zoomed in, narrowing her choices to what she can see through the little viewfinder, her focus fixed on making a home for her child and being able to support him or her.
Julia flew back home shortly after she found out about her pregnancy to tell her parents in person, before she was too far along to fly. She had no idea how they’d take the news and part of her wanted to keep it to herself. She wasn’t due back in the States until well after she had the baby. She could show up one day with a six month old in her arms. Surprise! But that didn’t seem like the right thing to do.
Her mother was thrilled for Julia, once she had a glass of wine and got over the initial shock. Her father wanted to know if the baby’s father was ready to marry her. Julia couldn’t help but laugh. She explained he’s someone she loves dearly, but isn’t part of the picture anymore.
His Catholic sensibilities came bubbling to the surface and it was Sandra who calmed him down and helped him understand that Julia was perfectly capable of raising a child herself and didn’t need a man to do it. She was shocked and grateful. She never imagined Sandra would be the person to smooth things over with him.
Eventually, he resigned himself to the idea of his daughter bearing an illegitimate child, and fell in love with his grandson the moment he held him.
Her parents made a strong argument for Julia to remain in Rhode Island. They want to help her raise their grandchild, but Julia was vehemently against it. She has no desire to return to America, at least not yet. She wanted to be in Verona when she had the baby, where he was conceived, and that’s where she returned after her week in the States.
She took a crash course in Italian, found a part-time job curating the letters received at Casa di Giulietta, rented a small apartment off the piazza, and became one of Juliet’s secretaries, answering the letters written in English.
The other secretaries took her under their wing, mothering her throughout her pregnancy, issuing advice on parenting. They became her family, her support system in Italy. Most of the women are married, some mothers, a couple are grandmothers. Mariana, the woman Julia met in the courtyard collecting letters outside Juliet’s house, became her closest friend and confidant.
Julia’s wanted to call Will so many times to share the news, but something stopped her. She prayed every day for months that he’d come to his senses, break off his engagement, and find her. But he never did.
It was Gabby who called to tell her she saw his wedding announcement in the newspaper about six weeks before her due date. Julia was silent and hung up the phone, and then lay in her bed and cried.
Her prayers hadn’t been answered. They’ll never be a family. He’ll never know his child and their baby will never know him. That was more upsetting to her than anything. But she didn’t wallow in these thoughts for too long. She had his baby to prepare for, and she couldn’t wait to meet him.
Her mother was by her side during the delivery. She’d flown to Italy two weeks before Julia’s due date, and stayed for two weeks after his birth. When the nurse placed Liam on her chest, he grasped her pinky and looked into her eyes. It was the most beautiful moment of her life. Every ounce of pain she’d ever endured was worth it to experience the joy of holding her son.
Oh Will, I wish you were here to see him. He’s perfect.
Julia believes Will would leave Avery if he knew about his son, but that’s not enough for her anymore. She doesn’t want him to hand over his life to them as a sacrifice, carry
ing his heavy cross of guilt and self-loathing, a black cloud over them all.
No! Liam is better off without his father under those circumstances. She’ll do anything to protect her son from Will’s toxic relationship with Avery. Until he makes peace with himself and is completely free from Avery’s tangled web, Will can’t be part of their lives. We deserve more.
Julia’s had a constant stream of visitors since the baby was born and she’s exhausted. No one expects her to take them sightseeing, but meeting the demands of a newborn and interacting with grown ups day and night has taken its toll.
She’s a zombie and tries to rest when the baby sleeps, but finds it almost impossible. Before he was born, Julia could sleep soundly through a thunderstorm, now she wakes up every time Liam makes the slightest sound.
No one ever told her how difficult the transition into motherhood would be. It’s a well kept secret with good reason. No one would volunteer for this job if they knew how hard it was going to be in advance.
Julia adores her son, but sometimes she fights back the urge to run away from her life. For someone who’s incredibly good at being alone, bearing sole responsibility for the health and wellbeing of another human is overwhelming.
Gabby flew to Italy for a visit three weeks after Liam was born, the day after her father and Sandra left. Julia was lying in bed, trying to get some much needed rest while Gabby rocked the baby.
“Are you going to tell him?” Gabby asks, placing the pacifier in Liam’s mouth.
“Hmm?” Julia murmurs half asleep, “Tell who, what?”
“Will.” Gabby smiles and coos at Liam, “Are you going to tell Will he’s a father?”
Julia never told anyone Will is Liam’s father, not even Gabby. When she asked, Julia changed the subject. She’s sure her mother and best friend figured it out before his birth, but she couldn’t bring herself to say the words out loud.
What if I Fly? Page 23
