I look into those slightly annoyed eyes, trying to find the truth there. “Why? Because you’re scared to be alone? Or because you actually want me?”
She blows out a ragged breath, looking away. “I didn’t try very hard before, I know that. You tried harder.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“I would try harder, this time. I swear I would.”
“Sienna—”
“I do want you.” She looks up at me and the annoyance has grown, probably a result of me making her admit this fact. “You’re a good guy, Reed. And I’m scared out of my mind and I need a good guy. Not some flakey actor, not some asshole who’s just after my money and spotlight. Does that make sense?”
I nod. “But I’m not really sure that’s enough to build a relationship on.”
Her eyes are intent on mine, the annoyance gone. “I think we could be good together. I think we should at least try, one more time.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I understand her not wanting to be alone, but I do not honestly believe she cares enough for me to make it work. Or that I care enough for her...
“Look, if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work,” she says. “We can play the romantic part of it by ear. But I need you to at least be there for me in the eyes of the press.”
“Why? Why do you care what they think?”
She jumps up off the couch so fast it makes my head spin. Hands on her hips, she turns to face me, clearly furious. “Because I’m about to have cameras follow me around, documenting every moment of my glamorous life. People will know all the little details about me. How do you think I’ll feel, telling them the father of my child doesn’t want anything to do with me?”
“Sienna—”
“Did you forget about the premiere this spring, Reed? I know you didn’t, considering you recorded the fucking soundtrack to the film. You think I want to walk that red carpet alone? Fat and pregnant—”
She cuts off, breathing heavily. “It’s bad enough I’ll be alone in real life,” she says, her voice shaking now. “But I don’t think I can deal with it if they know it. If I have to be alone in front of them. Answer their questions. Explain why you didn’t want me—”
“Hey.” I stand, pulling her into my arms. She seems to be on the verge of a breakdown and I can’t imagine that would be good for her. She’s tense in my arms, unresponsive as I rub her back lightly. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“It’s not, Reed,” she wails into my shoulder. “You’ve had a taste of what it’s like, to deal with the entertainment media in this country. You have no idea how much worse it is for actors, for people living in Hollywood, constantly in the public eye. They follow me from the store to my house. They camp out in front of restaurants when I eat. They...” She breaks off and finally hugs me back, clinging to my arms. “I can’t be alone in front of them.”
I have no response. It’s true that I’ve only experienced a small portion of what she sees on a daily basis. The paparazzi in L.A. are horrible, always present. I’ve always thought she liked the attention, at least a little. But I never stopped to think how scary it could be for her, how overwhelming.
“You won’t be alone,” I tell her, a heavy feeling sinking over my chest as the words leave my mouth. What am I committing to here?
She noticeably relaxes in my arms. “Really?”
I pull away so I can look down at her face, not wanting to promise her more than I’m willing to give. “I’m not saying we should... be together. I don’t know if I want that, and I really don’t think you do either. But I’m willing to let people continue to think that we are; if it helps you get through this.”
“That’s all I’m asking for,” she says quickly. “I just... I don’t want to tell people it’s over, not yet. If you could just be there for the taping, the way we planned. And be there for these appearances—the ones we already planned on you attending—that would help.”
I nod. When she puts it like that, it doesn’t sound so bad. So I don’t make our breakup public, big deal. I don’t like strangers all up in my personal life anyhow. And I pretend, just for a while, to the cameras and the paparazzi. Who will that really hurt?
Even if I don’t love her. Even if she doesn’t love me. Who will it hurt, pretending?
“Thank you, Reed. That means a lot to me.” She doesn’t release my arms but takes a step closer, looking up at me. “I want you to keep an open mind, though, about us. I know it’s just pretend for you, but maybe...” She leans up on her tiptoes and presses her lips against mine. The pressure is light and over before I even realize what’s happening. Her lips feel unfamiliar to me, alien.
“Just keep an open mind.”
I nod, too stunned to argue. And who knows? I did care for her, once. Maybe we can get some measure of that back. Isn’t it worth trying? For the baby’s sake?
The baby. In all the drama of the last few minutes, the question of whether or not I would go along with the act of pretending to be a couple, I had almost forgotten what it was that necessitated the conversation in the first place. Sienna was pregnant, with my child.
That heavy weight is back on my chest as I sit next to her on the couch, numbly listening to her plans for the reality show taping. I’m going to be a father. How is that even possible? There’s no way I’m ready for this, no way I’ll be good at it.
Siting there next to my ex—or girlfriend, I suppose, for all intents and purposes—I’ve never felt more scared in my entire life. Or more alone.
Chapter Thirteen
Paige
I stare at my laptop, willing myself to concentrate, but it’s no use. I’m supposed to be finishing the design for the meet and greet contest—it’s not due to the tour manager until tomorrow night but I had wanted to get a head start on it. But once I saw Sienna waiting in the dressing room, I knew there wasn’t much chance of being productive.
This is stupid, I tell myself, getting up from the desk to pace my hotel room. Getting all worked up about it when it’s none of your business.
I sigh and walk to the window, pulling open the shade. My rather uninspiring view is of the parking lot behind the hotel. I watch the cars pulling in and out for a few seconds, hoping to regain my focus.
I just don’t understand what she’s doing here. Does this mean that Reed has decided to go ahead with the plan to pretend they’re still dating? Is she in town to help the PR guys convince him? What if she legitimately wants him back, not for the TV show but... for real? He says they never really loved each other, but what if that was just talk? What if—
A knock at my door makes me jump and let out a little yelp. I place a hand over my heart, trying to quell the surprise, and head to the peephole. “Yes?” I call out, but then I’m peering through the little fish-eyed window at a tall, blond figure. His back is to me but I know it’s Reed immediately.
“Hey.” I pull open the door and he turns to me. “I thought you had meetings—” I stop talking abruptly as the expression on his face registers in my brain. He looks absolutely destroyed. “What’s wrong?”
“Can I come in?”
“Of course.” I step aside so he can brush past me into the room. He walks straight to the mini bar and grabs a bottle of some clear liquid—probably vodka—before collapsing into the room’s only armchair. I follow him in, perching on the side of my bed. “Did something happen?”
He takes a long swig of the liquor before answering and my thoughts go to Sienna. Is this related to her arrival? Then he meets my eyes and my mouth drops open a little. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look like this—terrified and pissed and completely grief stricken. “Reed.” I make my voice as firm as I can, wanting to snap him out of it. “Tell me what’s wrong. You’re scaring me.”
He blows out a shaky breath. “She’s pregnant.”
It takes a long minute for his words to register. For some reason my first thought is of Daisy, but that’s silly, because news of pregnancy from her, though surprising, wo
uld never be met with this kind of despair. When it hits me, I feel as if the breath has been knocked from my lungs.
“Sienna?” I whisper.
He looks away, as if he can’t bear to meet my eyes anymore, and nods.
Holy shit.
I realize my hands are shaking and I shove them under my knees. You have no right to be upset, I think bleakly, wishing I could believe it. You have no claim on him.
So why do I feel like I’m going to throw up?
“What... She came here to tell you?” I ask, hating the tremor in my voice.
“Yeah. Said she wanted to tell me in person.”
I blow out a shaky breath. “Are you... God, Reed. I was going to ask if you were okay but you clearly aren’t.”
His eyes meet mine again and they’re a shade redder than they were a moment ago. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t... I don’t want to have a baby with her.” His voice breaks and I feel my heart constrict. In spite of my own pain at this news, I can’t help but feel protective of him. He looks and sounds so miserable.
“I’m sorry, Reed. Did she... does she have a plan?”
“She wants to keep it.” His face twists up. “She even said how nice it will be, to reveal the news on her show.”
A flash of hot anger swoops through me. That’s how she thinks, this woman. Only about her career, about getting ahead. Using a baby to amp up the drama for a reality show... I want to hit something so I grab the bottle from his hand instead, taking a long swig before handing it back. “That’s horrible,” I say flatly. “Sienna saying that, I mean. Not the vodka.”
He smiles bitterly. “You think? She thought it was perfectly rational. Even got annoyed with me when I expressed my disgust.”
I shake my head. I want to call her the names I’m thinking of but don’t really know what the proper etiquette is on speaking ill of your secret love’s baby momma. God, what a mess.
“First, I had this meeting with the PR guys from the label where they spent forty minutes trying to convince me that it was in the best interest of the band for me to go along with this farce of a relationship. And a few hours after that bombardment, I walk into the dressing room and see Sienna, for the first time in weeks. And she tells me she wants me back.” I can’t help wincing at that. Was I right then? Does she want him for real? Reed laughs again, the sound so bitter it sends a chill down my arms. “You know, it’s funny, really. When I was in that meeting with the suits I was pretty much determined not to go along with it. Everything they said made sense to me and I knew it could help the band, especially with all this crap with Cash. But I just didn’t think I could do it. Then I walked into that dressing room and saw her, and she said she wanted me.” He shakes his head. “She never asks for anything, you know? That’s way too vulnerable for her—if she wants something she just takes it. So, it caught me off guard that she was asking. But here’s the funny thing—as soon as I saw her I realized that I was right. I couldn’t go along with some stupid publicity stunt and pretend that I cared about her. Because I knew, really knew, deep down, that I don’t.” He meets my eyes and that look of grief is back in his. “And then she told me about the baby.”
“Reed…”
Suddenly he has his hands over his face and his shoulders are shaking. He’s crying, full out sobbing in my hotel room. It absolutely destroys me, the sight of him crying like that. “Oh, Reed, don’t.” I reach for him, feeling powerless, and suddenly he has his arms around me, pulling me into his lap, tight against his chest. He twists his hands up into my hair, burying his head in my shoulder. I can feel his sobs through his chest and all I can do is hug him back, as hard as I can, wishing there was a way for me to tell him that it was going to be okay.
“Sorry,” he finally mumbles, pulling away.
“Don’t be silly. It’s okay to be upset, Reed. This is a pretty damned big deal.”
He laughs again but this time the sound isn’t nearly so tortured. Then he winces. “I really don’t want to have to tell my brothers about this.”
“They don’t know?”
He shakes his head, reaching for the bottle. “I came straight here.”
It’s ridiculous how even in the midst of this shock I can still feel something like warmth from his words. He came to me first, before anyone else.
Suddenly, I’m very aware of the fact that I’m sitting on his lap. I pull away and stand, patting his shoulder awkwardly before I resume my seat on the edge of the bed.
The room is very quiet as he continues to work his way through the little bottle. As he takes the last gulp I clear my throat. “You know, Reed, this doesn’t mean that you have to go along with the dating scheme.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just…if you don’t want to be with her, if you feel like you can’t pretend, you shouldn’t. Not for the TV show and not for…”
“My baby?” his tone is sharp and I wince.
“Not if you don’t love her,” I say softly, looking down at the floor. “You can be a good dad and be there for your kid without being in a relationship with the kid’s mom.”
He closes his eyes, tilting his head back to rest against the back of the chair. “I remember the day she left, you know. My mom.”
I hold my breath.
“The other boys don’t—at least that’s what they tell me. I was the oldest though, and I think I knew something was going on for a long time. I was... having trouble sleeping at night. As a ten-year-old.” He shakes his head. “They used to fight, a lot.”
I’m quiet, not wanting to interrupt his musings. I can tell the vodka is starting to kick in, dulling his emotions. He sounds sloppier now, less sharp.
“So, you’re probably thinking this proves your point, right? That it’s better not to be together than to be together for the wrong reasons.”
“It kind of sounds that way.”
His eyes fly open and I’m caught in their brown depths. “It’s bullshit. I would go through all of that—the fear and the stress and the fighting—I’d go through it a hundred times if it meant she never left.”
I have no response. There’s so much pain in his voice, so much raw anger. I’m not sure who he’s mad at, really. Sienna? Himself? His mother?
“I can’t do that to my kid—I won’t.”
“Of course you won’t.” I realize as I say the words how very true they are. I literally cannot envision a scenario where Reed would abandon his own child. It’s unthinkable.
“So, I guess that’s all there is to say, huh?” He goes to take another sip, frowning when he realizes the bottle is empty.
“I don’t think that’s all there is to say, at all. You shouldn’t be making any major decisions right now; you’ve had an enormous shock.”
He stands on wobbly legs and goes to the minibar, pulling out a bottle of amber colored liquid this time. I wince when I think about the headache he’ll have in the morning from mixing different alcohols. He downs the entire bottle in two gulps and I wince again.
“It’s what everyone wants,” he says, his voice slurring slightly. “The label. The PR guys. My dad. Sienna.” He squints at me across the room. “What about you, Paige? What do you want?”
“I want for you to be happy.” It’s the best truth I can give him. I know, in my heart of hearts, that I want his happiness to be bound with mine—for his happiness to mean the two of us together. But if that’s not to be, if we won’t ever be more than just friends, I think I would be okay if I knew he was at least happy.
He snorts, tossing the bottle to the floor. “I don’t even know what that is anymore.”
His words take my breath away. I had never thought of Reed as an inherently unhappy person. Sure, he is overly serious about work. He puts too much stock in the success or failure of the band and works himself to exhaustion trying to keep things running smoothly. But I always believed he behaved that way because it made him happy—that it was a choice, not merely a responsibility.
“You deser
ve to be happy, Reed,” I tell him, wishing I could make him believe it. “And you should be—your dreams have all come true.”
“Yeah, but what happens after?” he whispers. He suddenly looks like a little boy, standing there in my hotel room, towering over me. He has an expectant look on his face, as if he believes I might have the answers for him. “What happens after your dreams come true? What does it mean if you get everything you ever wanted and you still aren’t happy?”
I swallow. “I think it means that you must have some unanswered dreams that you didn’t know about.”
He shakes his head. “What the hell do I know about being a dad?”
“I think it’s the kind of thing you can learn as you go along.”
“Learn from who? My examples aren’t that stellar, you know.” He’s definitely drunk now but I don’t try to calm him. Maybe it will help, to get all of this out.
“Your dad loves you very much.”
He shakes his head. “Loves the band more.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
“He got so quiet after she left. He used to leave for hours, all the time. And I would have to watch the boys, because I was the oldest.” His face crumples a little. “But I was just a kid.”
I hate the thought of a sad little boy Reed. “It was probably very hard for him at first. Did... he got better, didn’t he? Stopped leaving you alone?”
“He moved us to Ohio,” Reed snarls. “So his sister and mom could help. Because he had no clue what to do. He would make us practice, that’s about it.” He shakes his head. “Guess he thought that was the only thing he had to give us. Music.”
I choose my words carefully. “I can’t imagine it was easy. For any of you. But I think you turned out exceptionally well.”
He looks up at me and there’s a look of hope in his eyes so raw it makes my stomach hurt. Like a little boy looking for approval. “Yeah?”
I stand and go to him, taking his hands in mine. I wish I could hug him instead, wish it was my place to kiss away his hurts. “Definitely.”
As if reading my mind, he bends down and places his lips on mine. Gentle at first but suddenly wild, he deepens the kiss, bringing his arms up behind me. I’m so taken off guard I can do nothing but fall into it, letting the feelings wash over me. His hands on my back and in my hair, his strong arms holding me up. The stubble of his chin brushing roughly against my face. The feel of his silky hair in my fingers. The taste of whiskey on his tongue.
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