by Mia Ford
“Fuck,” he said, collapsing on top of me. “That was amazing.”
I had no words. I couldn't even speak. My body was still in shock from everything that had just happened, and I laid there, motionless, trying to learn how to breathe all over again. But I had to admit, – it had been amazing. My body was still coming down from the high of having a real orgasm – it was unlike any I'd experienced before.
His cock was still in me, but I felt it growing soft and after a moment, he pulled it out. A rush of warmth covered my thighs as he removed his cock from me. Such a strange feeling, I thought. To have his cum inside of me, to have it come pouring out like that. Such a strange and new feeling.
But I loved it.
I loved everything about it.
Reese leaned down and kissed me as he flopped down beside me. He pulled me into him, resting my head on his chest so I could hear his breathing and his heartbeat. He kissed the top of my head, but neither of us said anything for a long while.
There was nothing I could say, really. I just kept thinking about what I'd said earlier. When I thought – and told him – I could do this once and move on without a second thought, had I been wrong? Had I been lying to myself? Because deep down, I so badly wanted to stay with him, to experience the magic of having him inside of me again and again, to cuddle up to his warm body afterward. I wanted it even more now that I'd had a taste – and I feared no other man would do for me.
Reese, was it. He was the one. I was sure of it.
But then I reasoned with myself that all girls probably think like that after their first time. Besides, I had medical school and he had the job in LA.
It simply wasn't meant to be. We had our moment and that moment was now over.
This one time, this one memory – it had to be enough.
“Maya, what are you doing in there? I need to use the bathroom!” Allie banged on the door.
I just sat there, staring at myself in the mirror and feeling like nothing was real. This wasn't happening to me. It couldn't be.
No, no, no, I kept saying to myself. As if repeating it would somehow make it so. I wasn't crying. I didn't feel anything. I just stared at the little stick with the blue lines and thought it had to be wrong.
But it was the third one I'd taken. The third one that said it was true. The third positive I'd had that day.
I didn't answer Allie even though she kept shouting at me through the door. There was another bathroom she could use in the house. Somewhere else. Right now, I needed to be alone. I needed to keep staring at that little stick, praying that somehow I was reading it all wrong. But my thoughts were all jumbled and I couldn't pull myself together. My head was spinning and my heart was pounding. What was I going to do?
“Maya?” Allie said. This time her voice was softer, it sounded concerned.
“Yes,” I responded, my voice cracking. “I'm still in here.”
“Are you okay? Are you sick?”
You could say that.
“I'm fine,” I lied.
“You don't sound fine,” she said.
The doorknob rattled as she tried to open it, but I'd had the foresight to lock it.
“Listen, if this is about what Lauren said about you putting on weight, just ignore her. We all know she's a bitch –”
“It's not that,” I said softly.
“Then what is it?” she asked. “Come on, I'm your best friend, aren't I? You can tell me anything, you know that.”
Allie had quickly become my closest friend, so yes, she was right. She was my best friend. But I still felt so terribly alone. I didn't want to tell a soul. The fear and the shame that were gripping me so tightly were overwhelming. I just wanted to stay in this bathroom and hide away until I woke up from what had to be a terrible, horrible dream.
But I knew I couldn't go through this alone. Because it wasn't a dream, it was reality. And I needed help to get through this. Allie was all I had – the only person I could trust.
With tears stinging my eyes, I opened the door.
Allie stepped inside, her eyes on me. She looked concerned as she noticed the tears rolling down my cheeks. I looked at her and opened my mouth to speak, but couldn't find the words, so I closed it again. As I stood there before her, my best friend, I realized I didn't know how to tell her why I was crying – so I showed her instead. I picked up the pregnancy test and held it out to her. She didn't take it, she just looked down and a moment later, her eyes grew wide as she realized what she was staring at.
“Is this for real, Maya?” she asked me. “I mean, false positives aren't impossible, right?”
“It's the third one I've taken – all positive,” I said weakly.
To cover my face and hide away as best as I could, I put my head in my hands and fell to the floor. I was leaning against the bathtub, sobbing. I'd finally had to face the truth. I was pregnant.
“Who's the father?” Allie asked softly, sitting down beside me. “I didn't think you were seeing anyone –”
“I'm not,” I said. “It was a one-time thing. Just a one-nighter. So, goddamn stupid of me.”
“Shhh,” Allie said, pulling me into her and holding me close. “It's okay, Maya. It's going to be okay.”
Was it, though? How could it be? My life was forever changed and I felt like things would never be okay again.
“Well, there are ways we can handle this, clinics that will –”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “No, let's not talk about that. I can't do that. My parents would kill me.”
“They don't even have to know, Maya,” Allie said.
I knew she was right. It would be so easy. My life could go back to normal in no time. I could go to the clinic, have an abortion and no one would ever have to know. It could be my little secret. And it could save my life. My plans. My dreams.
But I'd know. I'd always know what I'd done.
“It goes against everything I believe in, Allie,” I said, choking up. “I don't think I can, not easily.”
“Well, you can think about it, Maya. You still have some time, so just think about it, okay?”
I nodded. “Okay,” I said. “I'll think about it.”
But lying to my parents? How could I look at them in the eyes ever again if I did that? How could I sit down to dinner, stare them in the face and keep this secret from them? They might expect it of Luke, but they would be absolutely devastated if it came from me.
I knew I couldn't.
There was no way I could keep this from them. Even if I decided to do what Allie was suggesting, I had to tell my parents. I had to own up to my mistakes. Whether I liked it or not, I had to tell them I was pregnant and find a way to deal with the fallout.
“I'm going to tell my parents though,” I said, feeling marginally better for having decided that. “I have to.”
“Are you sure that's a good idea?” Allie asked, raising an eyebrow. “I don't know your parents, but I know you've mentioned how strict and religious they are –”
“It may not be a good idea, but it's what I have to do,” I said. “Besides, my dad is a doctor, he'll understand. He'll support me – he has to, right?”
Allie didn't look so sure, and honestly, I didn't feel so sure myself.
ooo000ooo
“Maya,” my mom said, surprise in her voice as I stepped inside my family home, “we weren't expecting you tonight. Don't you have classes in the morning?”
“Yes, and I'll get up early and drive in,” I said with a fake smile. “I just needed to see you guys.”
Her eyes softened as she hugged me, thinking I came home because I missed them.
“Where's dad?”
“He worked a little late, but he should be home any minute now.”
“Good,” I said, my voice shaky as I removed my coat and scarf, hanging them up on the coatrack behind the door. “And Luke? Is he out for the night?”
I was hopeful. The last thing I needed was for my brother to be there to judge me and to moc
k me – especially considering the fact that the father of the child was his own best friend. Not that he'd know that, if Reese had kept our secret, anyway. I hadn't spoken to Reese since that night. He'd taken me back to my sorority house the next morning, dropped me off with a kiss and said he was leaving for LA so we probably wouldn't see each other again. I'd felt a twinge of sadness as I watched him drive off, but that was the deal. That's what we'd agreed to.
I just hadn't expected that I'd end up pregnant because of it.
“I think so? He didn't come home from work last night, so I don't really know. You know your brother and his friends,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“Yeah, I do. All too well.”
“I'm just glad one of our children turned out well,” she said, beaming with pride as she stared at me.
I had to look away from her. There was no way I could meet her gaze with the secret I was holding onto. I couldn't tell them until dad was home. He was the doctor; he'd be the logical one. My mom was emotional and was always concerned with what others thought of us. There was no way she'd take the news well. Not when I was their precious little angel. Not when I'd be neighborhood gossip when this got out.
Thankfully, the front door opened a moment later and my father stepped through it, kissing mom and looking at me with surprise.
“Well, look who decided to stop by!” he said, hugging me tight.
My dad's hugs usually always seemed to make everything better – but not this time. Not even daddy's hug could make this situation better. But perhaps his advice would.
My entire body was trembling and I was fighting a nauseous feeling in my stomach. My dad pulled away and stared at me, concern in his eyes. He looked at me and I lost control of myself and my emotions and began to cry. Normally, there was so much pride for me in those eyes, and I'd let him down. How could I not cry? I was probably never going to see that look of pride on their faces ever again.
“What's wrong, sweetie?” my mom asked, stepping up and putting her arm around my shoulders.
And before I could stop myself, I blurted out the news. No preamble. No softening of the blow – just threw the cold, hard truth out there.
“I'm pregnant,” I said.
And the room went completely silent and it felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out. Neither my mom nor my dad said a single word for a long moment, and I would have sworn that they weren't even breathing.
“I'm sorry, I really am,” I sobbed. “I didn't mean for this to happen –”
“Who's the –” I knew what my mom was going to ask long before she spit out the words, but she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.
Knowing how they felt about Luke's friends, and knowing that Reese has made it perfectly clear that he didn't want to be serious with me, I did the only thing I could think of – I lied.
“I don't know,” I said, rubbing my eyes. “I don't know. It was a mistake; it was a one night stand at a party and I have no idea. He left before I could get his name.”
My mom looked as if she'd seen a ghost. My dad's grip on my shoulders got tighter, but his face remained neutral. He just stared at me, and I couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling. He just stared at me without saying anything at all.
My mom, on the other hand, took a seat, fanning herself as if she might pass out. But my dad stared at me, and I watched as the pride he'd had in me slipped away, bit by bit. He looked at me as if he didn't even know me, like I was a stranger to him.
And honestly, I felt like a stranger myself.
Several Years Later
“Elijah Michael McConnell, put that down!” my mom shouted.
Visiting my parents with my son was always an adventure. My mom, as much as she claimed to love children, really wasn't too fond of a toddler who liked to grab all the little trinkets off the shelves. Maybe it was because she'd thought she was past all of that. That she'd done her tour of duty raising kids and it was over. What with her own kids grown up and able to comprehend that the porcelain birds on the shelves were fragile and all. But I never remembered my mom being that strict or grumpy when I was a child myself.
My son, Elijah, was precocious too. I often said he was just like his father. He looked like him, not that anyone but me knew who his father was, but I could see it plain as day. His skin was a nice natural tan and he had the same dark eyes and dark hair that his dad did. Thankfully, no one else put two and two together – Reese was so far out of the picture, no one even mentioned his name anymore. Luke seemed to have all but forgotten about him. He was off in LA, living his dream and he'd forgotten about all of us there in the suburbs of Chicago.
And most of the time, I was thankful for that.
“What's he getting into now?” I asked, coming down the hallway.
I had stepped away to use the bathroom – that was it. A few minutes away and my mom was already freaking out because Elijah was getting into something – again.
I walked into the living room to find her hovering over Eli, standing over him and blocking him from getting to her shelves. She had one of her glass birds in her hand, holding it out of reach and Eli reached up for it, a smile on his face.
His father's smile.
“Maybe you should try putting those stupid birds up higher,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Why put something that looks like a toy – but is made of glass – within his reach? You're only tempting him and seriously, it's not worth the trouble.”
Yeah, that was the new me. I was no longer the dutiful daughter who never talked back. Once I'd lost my status as the family's golden child, I realized my parents weren't the perfect parents they pretended to be either. And now that I was a mother myself, I had grown up. A lot.
“Because it's my house, Maya, and I want to decorate it how I please,” my mom said.
I picked up Eli, propping him up on my hip and laughed. “Well, he's your grandson, so it's either put the birds up higher or expect them to get broken, because you know he's going to find a way over there when we're not looking.”
My mom scowled and placed the bird – a white dove – on the top shelf. Almost like she was admitting I was right without actually admitting it. Because I couldn't be right about anything. Not anymore.
Luke came downstairs at that moment, saw the way mom and I were staring at each other – probably felt the tension in the air – and laughed long and loud.
“It's so nice not being the biggest failure in this family,” he said and smiled wide.
It was a common insult, one he tossed at me whenever he had the chance.
“Oh shut up, Luke,” I said, bouncing Eli on my hip. “I'm still not a bigger screw-up than you. At least I went to college –”
“Only to drop out in your first semester because you got knocked up at a frat party,” he said, rolling his eyes. “But hey? Who am I to judge?”
I gritted my teeth and prepared to go off. I didn't want my son hearing crap like Luke was spewing. Right now, it didn't mean anything to him because he was so young and didn't understand. But one day, it would. And Luke had no right to talk to me like that.
“You're a disgrace, Luke McConnell,” I said, leaving the room and heading toward the kitchen.
I needed to get away from him before I went off and said some things I'd regret later. I couldn't let him get to me. I couldn't let my son see me this upset. Luke wasn't worth any of that.
I put Eli in the high chair and sat down in the breakfast nook, my head in my hands, tears streaming down my face. Luke was right though. Try as hard as I could to deny it, it was the truth – I was a failure. Medical school? Down the drain. I was taking classes at the community college in the evening, but there was no future for me as a doctor. Not anymore. I'd never be able to do that, not as a single mother.
Eli babbled, but all I could make out was, “Mama crying,” and instantly, my heart broke.
I didn't want my child to see me crying, especially about my future – or lack thereof. Especially, since my future
included him. And he was very much a blessing. I never wanted him to feel like a burden or an unwanted presence. Never.
Yes, Allie had suggested an abortion and I could have done just that. If I had, I wouldn't be in my current situation and would probably already be in med school. But God, there was no way. Once I'd went to the doctor and confirmed what was happening to my body, I couldn't do it. I would never judge somebody else for having an abortion, but I couldn't do it. Not for me.
And despite the fact that my future looked way more uncertain and scary, my son was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was thankful for him, and I could never, ever let him see me crying over the future I gave up to have him.
“No, mama isn't crying, Eli,” I said, wiping the tears away. “I'm fine. Now let's get you something to eat, okay?”
Eli smiled a toothy grin, his dark eyes so sweet and filled with so much love. My son was already getting so big; he was growing up. One day he'd hear the insults Luke threw at me and he'd understand that they were about him. Which was why I needed to put a stop to that. My son didn't need to feel like he was a burden. He was a choice. I chose to keep him. And that was a choice I never regretted – not even for a second, even though my dreams of being a doctor flew right out the window.
“What do you mean you're having a friend over? You know it's family dinner night,” my mom said as she and Luke walked into the kitchen. “It's for family only.”
Luke went to the fridge and pulled out a carton of milk, drinking from it before my mom shot him a dirty look. He grabbed a glass and rolled his eyes.
“Come on, mom. You know Reese. He's like family, isn't he?”
My heart stopped. Literally, it stopped in my chest as I fed Eli his animal crackers. I stared up at Luke, eyes wide, a nervous energy making my body hum.
“Reese? Didn't he move a long time ago?”
