“I know, and I’m happy for them," Kate replied. "It’s just kind of... untimely.”
“All couples have disagreements," Linda said. "It’s part of building a lasting relationship. But the other part is coming to terms with things and making up. All relationships have their ups and downs. Yours and Ben's is no different. Disagreements are a part of life. We get through them and go on.”
Kate looked at Linda in the mirror. “It’s more than a disagreement," she said. "It’s over between us.”
Linda looked steadily back at her. “Fifty years ago it was over between your Grandmother and Henry, and they spent the most important years of their lives apart because of a shattered leg and misplaced gallantry. Don’t you and Ben do the same over an old building.”
“It’s not the building,” Kate said. “I can’t marry a man who has so little regard for my feelings, or for the feelings of so many old people.”
“Ben cares deeply about your feelings, honey, and I know he’ll make things right for the old people if you’ll just give him a chance. But he’s stubborn and proud and he has to do it in his own time, and in his own way.”
Kate held Linda's gaze. “Well, he’ll have all the time he needs because tomorrow morning I'll be on a flight to Paris where I'll be studying landscape painting at the Academy of Art.”
Linda's brow gathered in a worried frown. “Does Ben know this?”
Kate shook her head. “It wouldn’t change anything. And I don’t want to be around to see the old buildings come down.”
Linda sighed. “Ben’s finally come to terms with Gayle’s death and is ready to move on with his life, but if you leave him now and stay away long enough, he’ll find someone to fill the place he holds in his heart for you. Your signing that model release sent a strong message that what you had together is of no importance to you now, which is another reason he might marry on the rebound. And if he did, there would be no turning back. Ben would be absolutely faithful to his wife, even if he knew in his heart he’d made a mistake.”
“Well, that’s the chance I have to take," Kate said. "Things are too confusing right now and I need to get away from him and have time to think. Being in Paris will give me six months.”
"But what about Thanksgiving and Christmas? You should be with family."
Kate shrugged. "Grandma and Henri will be on their honeymoon at Thanksgiving, and since I'll be staying with my cousin and her husband in Paris, I'll be with them for both occasions." She stood and looked at herself in the long mirror, only vaguely aware of the pale pink dress with its tastefully-adorned bodice and slightly flared skirt.
Linda handed her the bridesmaid’s bouquet and said, with resolve, "You seem to have this all worked out so I guess there's nothing I can say to change your mind."
"I know you mean well," Kate said, "but I have to deal with this in my own way, and that's by being far away from Ben where I'll be able to think clearly. Now, I guess we'd better get on out there and get this over with." She took a long slow breath to steady her nerves, feigned a smile, and went to join the small wedding procession gathered in the vestibule of the church.
She had no idea how she’d react on seeing Ben after their angry parting, or how it would be holding his arm as they walked up the aisle to take their places with the wedding party. Being escorted by a different groomsman had not been an option. Ben’s father was Henry’s best man, and Ben was his only groomsman. She'd agreed to do it solely because this was Grandma and Henry's day, and she couldn't spoil it for them.
As she made her way through the gathering, she scanned the crowd of well-wishers for Ben’s tall frame. The raw-edged anger she’d felt on leaving his office was gone now, replaced by a deep, heartfelt sadness for the loss of what they’d had, or what she’d thought they had, when she still believed in impossible dreams and expected him to see things her way. But the line-up of demolition equipment shattered that dream.
Feeling watched, she turned and saw Ben looking steadily at her. Standing tall in a black dress suit that hugged his muscular frame, the sight of him near took her breath away. She held his gaze until tears began to prickle her eyes, then she turned and walked over to where Grandma stood waiting with her next door neighbor, Frank, who would walk her down the aisle. Ben immediately came over to where she stood. “You look beautiful, honey,” he said, as if the last few days had never happened.
She was totally unprepared for his doleful smile or the deep longing she saw in his eyes. She’d expected him to be formal and distant, and she’d been prepared to match his cool reserve with her own. She had to swallow before words would come, and when they did, all she could think to say was, “Thank you.”
The organ started playing and Ben offered his arm. She slipped her hand in the crook of his elbow, and he covered her hand with his. His arm felt solid against her palm, and in her mind came the memory of that arm curved around her, holding her against him. She looked at his large, strong hand covering hers and remembered how gentle the touch of that hand had been when it caressed her. All at once she began to tremble, her chest grew tight, like it was being squeezed in a vise, and her knees felt weak as if they were about to buckle. She looked at Ben and said in a shaky voice, “I can’t do this. I feel lightheaded.”
Ben tightened his hand over hers, and said, “Lean on me, honey. I won’t let you fall.”
His words brought tears dampening Kate's eyes and clogging her throat. She blinked several times and focused on Henry, whose gaze was fixed beyond them to where Grandma was standing ready to walk down the aisle to become his bride.
Ben leaned toward her and said, “Are you alright?”
She gave a nervous little snigger. “Silly me. You know how emotional I get.”
Ben’s thumb began idly stroking her hand. “It could be us,” he said, glancing down at her.
Kate refused to look at him, knowing that the tears stinging her eyes would slip over her eyelids and roll down her cheeks, so she fixed her gaze straight ahead and replied, “Please don’t do what you’re doing with your thumb.”
Ben's thumb stopped. “I’m not going to let you walk out of my life,” he said.
“You’ll still have your business," Kate replied.
Before Ben could respond, they’d reached the altar. At the top of the steps they broke away from each other and turned in opposite directions to take their places in the lineup.
The soft, melodic tones of the organ faded away, and Here Comes the Bride rose to the heights of the chapel. Everyone stood. Grandma started down the aisle, her eyes fixed on the man she’d waited a lifetime to marry. Kate looked at Grandma’s glowing face and thought of Linda’s words about Grandma and Henry spending the most important years of their lives apart. But Henry had been doing a noble deed in breaking his engagement to Grandma. He didn’t want to burden her with a cripple. What Ben was doing was far from noble. It was all about Stassen Sports Gear and money. And that was the simple truth.
Grandma ascended the altar steps, all the love in her heart reflected in her eyes as she smiled at Henry and took his arm. They turned toward the minister. Gripping her small bouquet with tense hands, Kate kept her eyes on Grandma and Henry, not allowing them to stray to Ben while the minister recited the words that would make Grandma and Henry husband and wife, until she heard the words...
...promise to love, honor and cherish...
Impulsively, her gaze went to Ben, who was staring at her with an intensity she wasn’t prepared for, and which she seemed incapable of breaking.
...to hold her and keep her for better or for worse, through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do you part...
Still, she couldn’t shift her gaze from Ben’s face, or silence the unspoken vows that seemed to be passing between them as the minister spoke the words. As she stood looking at Ben, she wanted him to take her in his arms just one more time, to feel the loving touch of his hand and experience the fulfillment of their passion and savor the promise of a
union that seemed both innocent and pure. She tried to swallow, but her throat felt scratchy and raw. Biting her lip to stop its trembling, she lowered her eyes so he wouldn't see the tears...
The minister introduced Mr. and Mrs. Henry Stassen, the guests clapped and cheered, Mendelssohn’s wedding march filled the chapel, and Grandma and Henry descended the altar steps and headed up the aisle. Kate and Ben walked toward each other, and as they came together, she said, “When they were exchanging vows, I didn’t want to happen, what happened.”
Ben covered her hand with his. “You can’t stop it anymore than I can.”
“Maybe not, but it changes nothing. And eventually it won’t matter any more.”
At the end of the aisle, Kate slipped her hand from Ben's arm and went to hug Grandma and Henry. Ben started after her, but he was intercepted by friends.
For the remainder of the reception. Kate managed to avoid Ben, who seemed to be constantly cornered by friends and relatives. But when the guests began leaving the church, and while she was waiting in line to tell Grandma and Henry goodbye, Ben came up to her and took her arm, pulling her out of the line. His brows drawn, he said, “Linda just told me you’re going to Paris. Honey, don’t do this to us. It doesn’t have to be this way.”
Kate drew in a long breath to settle the erratic beating of her heart, and said, “We wouldn’t even be at this point if you’d just told me the truth in the beginning. But that first time I went to your office, you told me you were still considering other locations to build, when we both know that wasn’t so. And while I was spending time with you, hoping to change your mind, I fell in love with you. At least I fell in love with a man I thought cared enough about me to understand how deeply I felt about this.”
Ben took her by the shoulders and gazed into her eyes. “Honey, I’ll make things right. I don’t know how yet, but I promise you, I will make things right. Just don’t go to France. Stay here and let's work it out.”
Kate held his gaze. “It’s too late. Your machines are ready to go and you have no intention of stopping them, so there’s nothing you can do to make things right. Every time I’ll look at your building I’ll think of all those old people being cheated out of their last years together there, and I’ll know it was because of you. It just won’t work between us.”
“When will you be back?”
Kate started to tell him that the date of her return was irrelevant, but something in the depths of his cheerless eyes prompted her to say instead, “I'll be back next May.”
“At least tell me where you’ll be staying.”
“No, Ben. I need this time away from you. Nothing’s going to change. I will be on that flight tomorrow morning.”
A man, who Kate recognized as Ben’s father, and an attractive woman who she presumed to be Ben’s mother, walked up to them. The woman glanced at Ben, then smiled at Kate and said, “And you must be Katie.”
Ben rested his hand along the back of Kate’s neck, and said, “Mom, Dad, yes this is Katie. Honey, this is my father, Benjamin, and my mother, Helen.”
Helen gave Kate a warm smile. “We’ve heard so much about you from Henry and Rose, and Ben too of course, and we’re so glad to finally meet you, Katie. Ben will have to bring you over to our place after the reception so we can get better acquainted.”
Kate looked from Ben’s mother to Ben and waited for him to explain why she couldn’t come. When he offered nothing, she said, “Ben, please say something to them.”
Ben held her gaze, and in his dark eyes she saw the rare vulnerability that came at odd times when something touched deep into his soul. During their silent exchange he raised a hand and touched her cheek, and said, “I love you, sweetheart.”
The tears she’d been struggling to hold back rolled down her cheeks, and she began crying, crying for nothing and for everything, for whimsical gargoyles and playful kittens and the love still smoldering in her heart. And for the illusion that died when she realized Ben would not back down, and a block of precious old buildings would be destroyed, and the lives of her elderly friends would be devastated. She pressed her hands to her face to stem the sobs. Ben slipped his arms around her and held her tight. “Honey, please don’t.”
Helen Stassen cleared her throat and said, “We can see this is a bad time. We’ll just plan to get together later.” But before Ben’s parents could leave, Kate pushed out of Ben's arms, turned, and pressed her way through the gathering, then rushed into the safety of the ladies dressing room. Collecting her belongings, she dashed over to where Grandma and Henry stood, hastily wished them well on their honeymoon, and left.
Ten hours later, she was aboard a jetliner bound for New York, where she’d change planes for the next leg of her trip. She’d spent the night at a motel near the airport, knowing that if Ben came by she might weaken, and she desperately needed this time away from him.
CHAPTER TWELVE
While Kate sat at her easel, trying to capture the ambiance of the quaint fishing village of Honfleur, Ben’s face kept coming between her canvas, and the red tile roofs and grey stone walls and cobbled streets. After five months, nothing had changed. Thoughts of Ben dominated her mind. Each day she tried to convince herself that things were getting better, but everything around triggered thoughts of him—a gargoyle on a fountain, a small cruiser on the river, a couple on a motorcycle. And in every quaint shop and picturesque building, she saw Cooper's Landing the way Ben had described his vision for it. Which inevitably turned her mind to the image of a hot tub vat with two lone figures entwined in each other's arms, naked and unashamed and united in love and total commitment as God intended…
“No, no, no!” Francois Broussard's voice shattered her thoughts. “You only see building. Look for light and shadow." He took the brush from her hand. "Put shadow here... and here… and here…” In quick strokes he lay shadows on her canvas where none had been. She looked at the scene in front of her and saw them then. Why hadn’t she seen them before? “Put image down right first time," Professor Broussard scolded. "You no do these, how you say, scribble scratch.”
Kate stared at the images on her canvas. The professor was right. Her brush strokes were scribble scratch. And her painting had no depth, no feeling. No... spirit. Nothing she’d painted from the time she’d arrived in France had come from the heart. Everything seemed contrived, insincere. The fact was, her heart was still at Cooper’s Landing with Ben.
Why had it seemed so easy to paint there? Why had highlights bounced out at her and shadows made themselves evident? Why had it been so easy to breathe life into the scene back then? Here, the world around her seemed dull, lifeless. She picked up her brush and began painting again but was quickly stopped. “Do not cover light ground so quickly. Let it reflect back through paint. Thin paint over white ground give luminous effect, oui?” the master said. “Then put impasto to make big clouds in pale sky.”
“Yes, I think I understand now,” Kate said. She dabbed her brush at the white paint on her palette and pushed in some clouds. Flat. Dull. Lifeless clouds. Disenchanted by the sense of futility, she set her brush down and stared at the scene beyond her canvas, seeing everything and nothing. Her heart wasn’t in it. It still carried the memory, deep in its beating chambers, of a time when she’d felt passion. Passion for life. Passion for love. Passion for the beauty around her, for the glorious feeling of longing for Ben, knowing he’d come to her and satisfy that longing by taking her in his arms and holding her and kissing her until she couldn't breathe. Or it might just be simply sitting together in the wordless communion she’d never shared with anyone else. And there were those times when he’d look at her, and one corner of his mouth would lift, and his eyes would light up, and her heart would fill with love. But now, the longing went deeper. She loved him in a way so soul-filling she didn’t want to tie herself to any other man.
For the rest of the day she went through the motions of painting, knowing she’d failed once again, that this painting would be tossed onto th
e refuse heap with the others. And by the time she returned to her cousin’s flat, she was depressed and weary. The only bright part of her day was finding a letter from Grandma propped up on the dresser in her room for her to see. She sliced open the envelope and read the short attached note: Henry and I are fine. I’ll write a longer letter later. Ben asked me to send this note to you and I said I would. Henry says Ben's a changed man. Take care, Kate. We love you .Grandma and Henry.
With a shaking hand, Kate opened the sealed envelope and read:
Katie, honey, Sometimes it seems May will never come. I picture you sitting at your easel with your felt hat and your paints and your beautiful eyes taking in everything I would never have seen, and the love I have for you in my heart grows deeper. During the time you’ve been away I’ve come to realize what a beautiful soul you have, and how wrong I was not to listen to you. I’ve tried to make things right. Maybe I’ve succeeded, maybe I haven’t, but I hope you’ll forgive me. I love you, sweetheart. I know I always will... Ben.
Kate pressed the letter to her heart and began to cry. At first her body shook and no sound emerged. Then she broke into great gasps, as if she could draw no air into her lungs. Finally, the tears began to flow, freely and profusely...
She returned to Portland two days later. There had been no point continuing her studies when what she’d originally set out to accomplish had gone so far off track. She’d learned a great deal from Professor Broussard, but she’d failed in the application of it. She couldn't breathe essence into a scene where heart did not exist. And for five long months her heart had been with Ben. It had never been away from him. Only her body.
Grandma and Henry met her at the airport. According to them, Ben had no idea she was back. Grandma was anxious for her to see Ben’s new building, but she refused to tell her why, which aroused Kate's curiosity. Ben said in his letter that he’d tried to make things right and hoped he’d succeeded. But she couldn't imagine what he could have done to make things right. The Hayden building, along with the rest of the block, had been leveled. But she’d keep an open mind. She desperately wanted to forgive and forget.
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