by S. H. Kolee
Mr. Brooks was a patient and kind man, but I didn’t know if he was helping matters by playing along with her fantasies. He was loathe to shatter her happiness, regardless of it being based on an illusion, and kept up the farce that Cassie would come through the front door at any moment. I had attempted to speak to him once in the past about seeking mental help for Mrs. Brooks. He had gently but firmly shut that idea down. I had never brought it up again since it wasn’t any of my business, but as the years passed, it was getting harder and harder to visit them because I didn’t know how long I could participate in this lie. I wished I could celebrate the life Cassie had lived and spend her birthday remembering the amazing person she had been, instead of taking part in a pretense that honored no one.
This wasn’t the first year Logan had come with me since we had reconnected. He had accompanied me last year as well, even though we hadn’t been that close then. I think he had come because he wanted to pay his respects to Cassie’s parents, but he had been shocked by Mrs. Brooks’ condition. I had warned him about it, but nothing can really prepare you for having to pretend that someone dead is still alive. I had pleaded with him to play along because anything that dispelled the notion that Cassie was still alive made Mrs. Brooks go off the deep end. Logan had been reluctant, but in the end he had played his part in the morbid charade.
The buzzer sounded, indicating Logan’s arrival, and I pushed the depressing thoughts from my mind. I pressed the button of the intercom and told him I would be right down. I grabbed my purse and the bouquet of white lilies that I had purchased earlier, and hurried down the stairs. Logan was standing outside by the front door, and I gave him a quick hug. I was too anxious to think about the feelings that had bubbled to the surface when I had hugged him the other night. Today’s hug felt strictly platonic, and I was relieved by that realization.
We got into his Range Rover that was double-parked and I started fiddling with the radio until I settled on an alternative station. I rolled down my window, wishing that we were going on a fun day trip instead of to Laurenston. Logan glanced at me before turning his attention back to the road.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“Okay,” I replied, not wanting to dwell on my anxiety. There would be enough time for that later at the Brooks’ house. “Thanks for coming with me today.”
“Of course,” he replied. We were silent for a few moments as he navigated the busy streets of Chicago.
“How was your date with Ella on Tuesday?” I asked, breaking the silence. “Did you swear your everlasting love to her and ask her to be yours and yours only?” My tone was light and joking, but I was aware of how tense I was as I waited for his answer. We had communicated much less than usual this past week, and I hadn’t had a chance to broach the subject yet.
Logan gave me a sardonic smile. “Considering I broke up with her, that would be a no.”
“What happened?” I tried to sound suitably concerned, but I couldn’t deny the relief I felt. I told myself it was because I knew Ella wasn’t a good match for him, and Logan committing to the wrong woman would only reinforce his fear of commitment.
Logan shrugged noncommittally. “I was ready to give our relationship a real chance, but when I told her that I wanted to discuss being mutually exclusive, she took off running with it at a pace I wasn’t ready for.”
“Like how?” I asked, practically drooling for the salacious details.
“She was already discussing me going with her to her cousin’s wedding this summer and wanted to know when I could meet her parents. That’s a little too fast for me.”
“I guess I can understand where she’s coming from,” I said begrudgingly. “I mean, I would have been offended if Adam had refused to go to a wedding with me once we decided to be monogamous, even if it had been in the early stages of our relationship. I can see how it would be scary to meet her parents, though.”
“It wasn’t only that.” Logan cleared his throat and glanced at me before continuing. “She also insisted that my friendship with you was inappropriate, and wanted me to cut ties with you.”
“Oh.” I was taken aback by this revelation, and as much as I wanted to rail against Ella and her unreasonable demand, I could see her point of view, especially with the confusing feelings that had been bubbling to the surface recently. I wasn’t sure I would be so comfortable with Adam having such a close female friend whom he confided in and spent so much time with. I was just lucky that Adam was so self-assured and confident in our relationship that he had no concerns with Logan and I being such good friends.
“As much I hate to admit it, I don’t blame her,” I said with a frown. I turned to Logan and hesitated before speaking again. “Do you think our friendship crosses any boundaries?”
I hadn’t planned on actually articulating my concerns out loud, but maybe if we just discussed whatever was between us, it would dispel any lingering awkwardness and clear the air.
Logan kept his eyes on the road, not looking at me. “What do you mean?”
“What I mean is, I can totally understand Ella being uncomfortable with our friendship. We spend a lot of time together, and we’re always calling and texting each other. We’re basically a couple without the sex.”
I wanted to take back that last statement as soon as I said it. My whole body was suffused in a flush, and I cursed myself for not censoring my words. As close as Logan and I were, one topic we never discussed was sex, whether it was his sex life or mine. Sure, we joked about it obliquely sometimes, but never in a serious manner and nothing beyond an offhand quip or comment.
Logan didn’t answer right away, and when he did, he spoke carefully. “What do you think? Do you think we’re crossing any boundaries? And if we are, what do you think that means?”
“Of course we’re not crossing any boundaries,” I said quickly, rushing to clear up any misunderstanding so that he wouldn’t think I was saying there was anything more between us than friendship. The last thing I wanted was Logan’s pity and embarrassment for having to set me straight. “We’re just friends. There’s nothing more between us than there is between me and Emily. I just meant that other people might think we’re crossing boundaries and believe there’s more to us besides friendship, which of course we know isn’t true. But I guess our relationship can be misconstrued by others.”
I realized I was babbling, trying to cover my awkwardness over the subject with a barrage of words. When I was done, there was a heavy silence in the car and Logan’s posture had seemed to stiffen. There was a long pause before he spoke.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
I had expected more than a one-sentence response but his tone was casual and his seemingly stiff posture was now relaxed.
“So you agree that we’re not crossing any boundaries?” I asked in a neutral tone.
“Of course.” Logan turned to me with a smile. “We’re friends. If other people misconstrue our friendship, that’s their problem. We know everything between us is strictly platonic.”
“You’re right,” I said, but my stomach dropped at his agreement. I fiddled with the knob to change radio stations so that I had something to do. By the time I stopped on a song I liked, I was feeling less unsettled. I told myself I was happy we had agreed our relationship was just platonic, and that we wouldn’t worry about what other people thought. I was also happy that Logan apparently thought enough about our friendship that he wasn’t willing to end it just because a potential girlfriend frowned upon it, although I told myself it had probably more to do with him being scared shitless about meeting Ella’s parents.
Our banter remained light for the rest of the drive, but the coil of tension in my stomach tightened as we got closer to the Brooks’ home. When we finally arrived, Logan parked in front of the house and turned off the ignition.
“Ready?” he asked as he turned to me. I didn’t miss the concern on his face, and as much as I wanted to smile brightly and reassure him that I was fine, the most I could mus
ter was a half-hearted smile that was more of a grimace.
“Not really,” I admitted. “But sitting out here won’t make it any better. Let’s go.”
I grabbed the white lilies from the backseat and climbed out of the car. Logan got out, opened the trunk, and took out a huge bouquet of flowers, much larger than mine, encased in a beautiful glass vase. It was a gorgeous explosion of vibrant colors, made up of hydrangeas, tulips, roses, and a variety of other flowers I couldn’t even name. I glanced at my small bouquet of white lilies that were dwarfed in comparison.
“We can say mine is from both of us,” he ventured, looking a little discomfited by the disparity of our bouquets.
I shook my head. “No, it’s okay. White lilies were Cassie’s favorite flower.” I nodded my head towards his vase. “Those are beautiful, too, though.”
“Right. Lilies.” It was clear that Logan didn’t remember Cassie’s favorite flower, but I hadn’t expected him to.
We walked to the front door, but before we could ring the doorbell, the door was flung open and Mrs. Brooks greeted us with a large smile. She looked perfectly coifed with her dark blonde hair pulled up in a twist. As far back as I could remember, she had always looked effortlessly put together, and today was no exception. Her gray slacks and cream sweater offset her slim figure, making her look much younger than her years.
“Come in, come in! Madison! It’s so good to see you! It’s been too long.” She immediately enveloped me in an enthusiastic hug, and I returned it warmly. Despite all my trepidation about making the trip to Laurenston, I couldn’t forget how much Mrs. Brooks had done for me over the years.
“It’s good to see you, too, Mrs. Brooks.”
She pulled back and studied me from head to toe, nodding approvingly. “You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. I remember when you were just a little thing with those big green eyes of yours.”
She glanced behind me and her smile widened when she saw Logan.
“Logan!” she exclaimed. “I barely recognized you! It’s so good to see you, too!”
Logan returned her hug awkwardly as he tried to balance the vase of flowers in one hand.
“Thanks for having us over today, Mrs. Brooks,” he said when she finally let go of him. He thrust the vase of flowers between them, almost as a barrier. “These are for you.”
“They’re beautiful,” she said with an impish smile. “Cassie will be jealous that I’m getting flowers from such a handsome boy.”
My stomach dropped at her mention of Cassie, but it was to be expected. She ushered us into the living room and noticed my bouquet of lilies for the first time. Her face lit up.
“Sweet girl. You always remember Cassie’s favorite flower. She’ll love them.”
I nodded, trying to smile, but I knew it looked horribly forced. I was relieved when I heard footsteps approaching and Mr. Brooks joined us in the living room. As vibrant as his wife was, Mr. Brooks was subdued and plodding. It was a stereotypical case of opposites attracting, but it worked for them.
“I’m so glad you two could make it,” Mr. Brooks said with a kind smile. “Judith has been looking forward to your visit all week.”
“Not just me, silly,” Mrs. Brooks admonished gently. “Cassie has been excited, too. I hope she gets home soon.”
To his credit, Mr. Brooks’ smile barely faltered, but I figured he was used to it by now. On the other hand, I saw how pained Logan’s expression was, and I hurried to move the conversation along.
“How have you been doing, Mrs. Brooks?” I asked as she gestured for us to sit. Logan sat down next to me, and Mrs. Brooks sat on my other side, grabbing one of my hands and holding it between hers. Mr. Brooks sat opposite us.
“I’ve been doing wonderful, dear,” she chirped. “I’ve been so busy with my volunteering committees that I barely have time to take care of Charles and Cassie.” She glanced at her husband with a warm smile before continuing. “Charles’ business has been so busy, but he’s such a family man. He always makes sure to get home in time for dinner. In fact, he comes home early most days. I suppose that’s one of the perks of being the boss.”
Mr. Brooks owned a highly successful construction company, but it had taken a back seat to taking care of his wife. Fortunately, he obviously had highly competent employees that were able to run the business in his absence.
“What about you?” Mrs. Brooks asked. “How are your classes?”
Mrs. Brooks seemed stuck in our college years, since that’s when Cassie had passed. I think it helped to explain away Cassie’s absence; she could just pretend Cassie was away at school most of the time. There were often inconsistencies in the way she spoke about Cassie. Sometimes Cassie still lived at home, but in the next breath, she would speak about Cassie being away at school. Her mind seemed to change the story as necessary so she could keep up the belief that her daughter was still alive.
I glanced at Mr. Brooks before answering, and he nodded his head, indicating for me to play along.
“They’re good,” I answered, trying to keep my answer short and vague. I tensed when she turned towards Logan, since I knew he had a much harder time keeping up this charade.
“What about you, Logan?” she asked. “I know how difficult those pre-law classes can be.”
“They are, but I’m surviving.” He looked supremely uncomfortable, but he tried to smile for her benefit.
Mrs. Brooks checked her watch and clucked her tongue. “I wish Cassie would come home soon. I don’t know why she insisted on coming down from college separately from you two. It would have made much more sense if you had all driven down together.”
“Why don’t we get started on lunch,” Mr. Brooks said, standing up. “Cassie can join us when she gets here.”
“Yes, that’s a good idea. I’d hate for you two to go hungry just because she’s running late.” Mrs. Brooks got up and looked at her husband. “Can you give Cassie a call to see when she’ll be here?”
“Of course.” Mr. Brooks stepped away as Cassie’s mother ushered us into the dining room. She made a show of putting Logan’s flowers on the dining table, as well as finding a vase for my lilies.
“I made all of Cassie’s favorites today for her birthday. I hope you two are in the mood for meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, and mashed potatoes.”
“You know me, Mrs. Brooks,” I said, trying to keep my tone cheerful. “I’m all about carbo loading. And nothing beats your meatloaf.”
Cassie’s mother beamed at my response and excused herself to the kitchen. Logan turned to me the minute she disappeared.
“This isn’t right,” he said, looking grim. “We’re not helping Cassie’s mother; we’re just making her sicker. Going along with her delusions is only making things worse.”
“You’re probably right, but it’s not up to us,” I said in a hushed tone, afraid that Mrs. Brooks would overhear us. “Forcing her to face reality, especially today of all days, is just going to make her hysterical. She’s Mr. Brooks’ responsibility, not ours, and we can’t dictate how he handles her.”
“Has he even tried?” he asked skeptically. “Or has he always gone along with this act?”
“Of course he’s tried!” I snapped, my anger welling up quickly. Today was a difficult day, and I had brought Logan along for support, not to make things harder. “We’ve all tried! Do you think we want to pretend that Cassie is going to walk through the front door at any minute? Can you understand how painful it is knowing that it’s never going to happen? I may not agree with Mr. Brooks’ methods, but my God, he’s the one who has to live with her day in and day out. We have no right to come in here and upset the balance and then leave Mr. Brooks to pick up the pieces! Out of all of us, he has it the worst! He not only lost his daughter—his only child—but in a sense, he’s lost his wife, too.”
My voice started to break, and I pressed my lips together, willing myself to get my emotions under control. Logan took my hand and squeezed it.
“I
didn’t mean to make you upset. I know how hard this is for everyone. I just…” Logan sighed and ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “I just feel so powerless. I hate feeling like I’m making things worse instead of better.”
“Just play along,” I pleaded. I didn’t know why he was pressing the issue so much today. He had gone along with Mrs. Brooks’ delusions last year without complaint, although I knew it had made him uncomfortable. “Next year, we can try to do this differently. Let’s just leave things as they are for today.”
I was relieved when Logan nodded reluctantly. I quickly pulled my hand from his when Mrs. Brooks came back into the room with a huge platter of meatloaf. Mr. Brooks was behind her, carrying bowls steaming with macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes.
Cassie’s parents sat at opposite ends of the table, and I took the seat closest to the window. I surreptitiously shook my head when Logan moved to sit next to me. He frowned, but obliged by sitting across from me. Five place settings had been laid out, and the seat next to his was conspicuously empty, and would remain so for the rest of the meal.
“Did you reach Cassie, dear?” Mrs. Brooks asked her husband.
“Yes, she said to go ahead without her. She hit some pretty bad traffic so she won’t be here for a while.”
“Such a shame,” Mrs. Brooks said, shaking her head as she started passing around the food. “Her best friend and boyfriend are here to celebrate her birthday, and she has to get stuck in traffic.”
