by S. H. Kolee
“Of course I am,” he replied with a tolerant smile. “What else does it mean when someone says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you?”
“This is a shock,” I said weakly, trying to get my racing thoughts in order. “I mean… we’ve never even discussed living together, let alone marriage.”
“I’m discussing it now. Will you marry me?”
I stared at him as I tried to make sense of all this. I had never imagined being proposed to like this, in front of cartons of lo mein and tofu stir-fry. Wasn’t he supposed to get down on bended knee or something? Where was the ring?
I gave myself a mental shake, trying to get my priorities in order. Never mind that the actual proposal left a lot to be desired. Even if he had gotten down on one knee and showered me with flowery prose while offering me a glittering diamond ring, it still wouldn’t mask the fact that I had never imagined myself marrying Adam. At one point, I had thought I was in love with him, but even then the thought of marriage had never entered my mind.
Adam’s smile faltered as I continued to stare at him. “Are you going to give me an answer?”
“I’m sorry.” I took a deep breath and tried to be as honest as possible without hurting him. “I’m just trying to process all of this. It’s coming out of left field for me. How long have you been thinking about this?”
He shrugged. “I always figured it was only a matter of time before we got married.”
“Really?” I couldn’t keep the skepticism out of my voice, and he frowned in response.
“Of course. Didn’t you?”
I hesitated, trying to find a balance between honesty and tact. “I never really gave it much thought. Things are going well between us the way they are now. Why change it?”
He frowned at my reply. “This isn’t the response I expected. Is it because I don’t have a ring yet? I thought we could get it together so that you can pick out exactly what you want.”
I rubbed my forehead, trying to get my racing thoughts in order. “This is... It’s just a big surprise. Can you give me some time to think about it?”
Adam nodded, although he didn’t look too pleased. “If that’s what you need, take some time to think it over. “
I took his hand in mine, realizing how difficult it must have been for him to propose, only to be given a non-answer. “I’m sorry, Adam. I’m unbelievably touched by your proposal. I just need a little bit of time to think about it. It just took me off guard.”
His expression cleared, and he gave me a sweet smile. “I understand. I know you’ll come to the conclusion that we’re meant to spend the rest of our lives together once you give it some thought.”
I nodded, although I wasn’t too sure about his assertion. Adam was overly affectionate for the rest of the evening, and I found it stifling, which made me even more confused by what my answer to his proposal would be.
I was relieved when Adam said he couldn’t stay the night because he had to get up early the next day for a meeting. I didn’t even bother asking him what the meeting was about as I ushered him out the door.
I immediately called Emily the moment Adam left, needing to unload my confusion onto someone.
“What’s up?” she asked in lieu of a greeting.
“Adam just proposed to me.”
“What?!” Emily’s screech almost broke my eardrum and I winced. “You’re kidding me!”
“Why is it such a surprise?” I asked sourly, although I had been taken just as off guard. I didn’t appreciate her sounding appalled, as if I had just told her the end of the world was imminent. “We’ve been dating for three years.”
“Yeah, but you guys have never even talked about marriage. Have you? I mean, just a couple of weeks ago, you were doubting your relationship with him. Now he’s asking you to marry him?”
I sighed heavily, knowing that she was right. “I know. And we’ve never talked about marriage. I almost fell off the sofa when he proposed.”
“What did you say?” Her voice turned alarmed. “You didn’t say yes, did you?”
“I told him I needed some time to think about it.”
“Are you actually considering it?” Emily hesitated before continuing. “I don’t mean to tell you what to do with your life, and you know I’ll support whatever decision you make, but you can do so much better. You need someone who’ll make you the most important thing in his life. Adam can’t see beyond his own ego to make you a priority.”
As much as I wanted to protest against Emily’s words, I didn’t completely disagree with her. Yet, Adam had a lot of good traits that others didn’t see. It was also nice to be in a relationship with no drama. We were comfortable around each other and rarely fought. Maybe there weren’t any amazing peaks to our relationship, but there weren’t any deep valleys either. A lifetime of equanimity wasn’t such a bad thing.
My thoughts drifted to Logan. Whatever we had between us was the opposite of Adam and me. Logan and I were just friends, but our relationship was more tumultuous than any I had ever been in. Yet, there were so many moments when just being in Logan’s company made me dizzyingly happy, for no other reason than his mere presence.
I shut those thoughts down quickly. They were dangerous and forbidden. Either Logan and I would repair our friendship or we would part ways. There was no chance of anything more between us, and he had nothing to do with my decision about Adam.
“Madison, you there?”
Emily’s voice jarred me out of my thoughts. “I’m here. I’m not sure whether I’m considering it or not. Like I told Adam, I need some time to think it over.”
“What about Logan?”
“What about Logan?” My voice was more defensive than it should have been, but his name raised my hackles since I was already conflicted about my relationship with him.
“Are you seriously denying that you have feelings for him?”
I hadn’t told Emily about what had happened in Laurenston, especially since she didn’t even know Logan had gone with me. It was too complicated to explain to her, and it would open up a topic that I didn’t want to talk about.
“Emily, I’ve told you a million times we’re just friends. Logan has nothing to do with my decision about marrying Adam.”
She sighed but didn’t push the subject. “What does the ring look like?”
“He actually didn’t have one. He wanted us to go together so that I could pick out something I liked.”
Emily groaned. “How unromantic is that. Who proposes without a ring?”
“He just wanted to make sure that I got exactly what I wanted,” I replied defensively. “After all, if I’m going to be wearing it for the rest of my life, picking it out myself makes sense.”
“You’re making it sound like you know what your answer is going to be.”
I sighed. “I really don’t. I still can’t believe it actually happened.”
Emily proceeded to demand details of exactly how the proposal had transpired, and I obliged by giving her a play-by-play. It was as much for myself as for her, since I was still trying to come to terms with it actually having taken place. She wasn’t too impressed by Adam’s approach, but I could tell she was trying to stifle her objections.
“Let’s meet for lunch tomorrow,” she suggested when I was finished. “We can dissect everything some more.”
“I can’t. I’m way behind on my article, and I’ll have to work through lunch tomorrow to get my article to Jameson by Friday.” It was a lie, but I knew that tomorrow wouldn’t be a good day for me. It was the anniversary of Cassie’s death, and I needed to be alone. “Why don’t we meet up for lunch on Saturday?”
“Sounds good. I have to work on Saturday but I’m sure I can squeeze in a lunch. Something of this magnitude needs to be discussed in depth.”
I laughed at Emily’s enthusiasm. Despite her opinion that marrying Adam would be a mistake, she still relished the excitement of drama, and this definitely fit the bill.
My humor faded a
fter I got off the phone with her. Instead of thinking over Adam’s proposal, I found myself preoccupied with what Logan’s reaction would be if he knew about it. Would he be upset? Would he even care? Despite his insistence that there was something more between us than friendship, I wasn’t sure how much of that was just remnants of the past. And why was I giving so much headspace to his possible reaction?
I stopped that train of thought because I didn’t want to examine my feelings for him too closely. It was dangerous and fruitless, and didn’t do anyone any good, especially me.
I decided there was nothing to do except go to bed. I could ponder Adam’s proposal tomorrow after a good night’s rest.
Except that falling asleep was impossible. Adam’s proposal, mixed in with thoughts about Logan and the significance of tomorrow’s date, became too much for me. I got up and padded to the bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet, taking out a bottle of sleeping pills. I tried to use them sparingly and only when I really needed them, but I knew I would never get to sleep without them tonight.
After swallowing a couple of pills with a glass of water, I went back to bed and was grateful when they started to take effect. I felt my body start to become heavier as I drifted off into a deep sleep.
Chapter Eight
Red. Everything was red. I raised my wrists in front of me and my mouth opened in a soundless scream. Rivulets of blood streamed down my arms from violent gashes sliced vertically down my wrists.
I sank to my knees as my life poured out of me, yet I felt no pain. A pool of blood rapidly grew around me, covering the floor in a gruesome sheen of crimson. I frantically tried to put pressure on my torn flesh to stop the bleeding, but I was too weak and could barely move my hands.
I heard a noise behind me, and my head shot around as my heart started to hammer even faster against my chest. I couldn’t have done this to myself. Maybe my attacker was still here, waiting to finish me off. Because I couldn’t have done this to myself.
I came to consciousness abruptly and gasped for air, my lungs feeling as if they were about to burst. My whole body trembled as tears escaped my eyes, soaking the pillow beneath me. I had hoped the sleeping pills would prevent me from dreaming, but instead, they had trapped me in my horrific nightmare.
I instinctively raised my arms to look at my wrists, knowing that I would find unmarred flesh but needing to check anyway. I sat up in bed and leaned against the headboard, staring sightlessly in front of me as I waited for my pulse to calm.
I expected this day to become easier every year, and although it no longer had the ability to debilitate me, the memory of Cassie’s death never faded.
I wearily rubbed my eyes and checked the alarm clock next to my bed. It was only just past four o’clock in the morning, but I knew there was no way I would be able to go back to sleep.
My apartment was a little chilly, so I threw on a sweatshirt before heading out into the living room. Dawn had yet to arrive, so it was still eerily dark, and I quickly turned on all the lights in the living room and kitchen, pausing to turn the coffeemaker on.
I sat on the couch, trying to blot my mind of the grisly images of my nightmare. I tried to focus on happy thoughts about Cassie. There were a decade of them, and I needed to not let that one awful moment overshadow all the good we had shared.
My mind wandered to the summer before we started college. We had been so excited to leave Laurenston behind and start a new life at school. I remembered one hot and sticky afternoon when we had spent the day lounging around in Cassie’s bedroom listening to music to escape the summer heat.
“Can you believe it?” Cassie said excitedly, her eyes sparkling. “In less than two weeks we’ll be college students. No more curfews and no more parents hovering over our shoulder. We can go to as many parties as we want, whenever we want.”
“Yeah, but don’t forget those pesky classes that’ll get in the way of non-stop partying,” I said drily. I was lying on Cassie’s bed, and I stretched my legs out as I glanced down at her. She was sprawled on her floor, flipping through an issue of Glamour. She looked up at me and rolled her eyes.
“There’s more to college than just classes, Maddie,” she said in exasperation. She sat up and flung her arms out expansively. “It’s about experiencing life! We’ll finally be on our own. We can totally reinvent ourselves, if we want.”
I frowned at her. “Why would you want to reinvent yourself? It’s not like you’re some sort of weirdo or something.”
Far from it. From the outside, Cassie seemed to lead a charmed life, and from my perspective, the exterior pretty much matched the interior. Her family was well off, and both her parents were loving, although I knew Cassie sometimes found her mother smothering. She was one of the most popular girls in school, and was involved in tons of activities, from soccer to the drama club. She had dated all throughout high school, although she hadn’t had a serious boyfriend, but I knew there had been plenty of willing candidates. Not only was she smart and beautiful, she had an effortless confidence that seemed to be her birthright and drew people to her like moths to a flame.
It would be easy to be jealous of Cassie, but my love for her made it impossible. And she was easy to love. Besides being smart and beautiful, she was also kind and generous. She was more than my best friend or even a sister; if there was such a thing as soul mates, she was mine.
I shook my head ruefully at my cheesy thoughts. Cassie didn’t notice as she stared out the window. When she turned back to me, there was a slight frown on her face.
“Don’t you ever wish you were someone else?” she asked. “Don’t you ever get tired of being inside your skin?”
“What do you mean?” I was confused by her statement. Cassie never seemed to have any insecurities or fears, let alone doubts about her entire existence. “Why would you want to be somebody else?” I scrunched up my nose, wanting to dispel the heaviness that seemed to suddenly pervade the room. “I think most people would wish they could trade places with you, even if it’s just for your fabulous wardrobe.”
Cassie cocked her head, looking at me curiously. “You think?”
I threw a pillow at her, which she deftly caught. “Oh, be quiet. Why wouldn’t they? You’re drop dead gorgeous, you’re practically a genius, and you have the best friend in the world a person could possibly ask for. Who wouldn’t want to be you?”
I expected her to laugh at my light-hearted comment, but instead her expression turned serious. She reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing tightly.
“Maddie, we’ll be friends forever, right? You won’t abandon me in college for someone smarter and funnier and more interesting than me, will you?”
I furrowed my brows, confused by her question. It came out of left field and was hard to take seriously. “Don’t be dumb. I’ll only recast the role of best friend if Sarah Michelle Gellar happens go to our school. Which I doubt will happen, since she’s way older than us.”
Cassie and I had a slight Buffy the Vampire obsession, and she laughed at my joke as she released my hand, looking like herself again.
“It’s a deal. You can dump me for Buffy, but no one else.” She suddenly got up, stretching her arms behind her. “Let’s go downstairs and get something to eat. I’m starving.”
I hesitated. Something was bothering me. There had been a look in her eyes that I had never seen before. I wasn’t sure if it was fear or anxiety about things changing once we went to college, but I couldn’t completely banish a niggling sense of concern.
“Is everything okay, Cassie? Is there something you’re not telling me?”
She waved her hand dismissively. “I think I was just in a mood. Don’t worry about it. Now, hurry up before I keel over from hunger.”
I got up and followed her at a slower pace, still not completely sure that I hadn’t missed something important.
The beeping of the coffeemaker jarred me from my memory. I tried to clear my head as I made my way into the kitchen. I had already spent y
ears trying to dissect every conversation I had ever had with Cassie, trying to figure out what I had missed. All it had done was deepen my sorrow and guilt.
It wasn’t until my second cup of coffee that I allowed myself to think about Logan. Despite what had happened between us, a part of me was still expecting to hear from him today. Out of everyone in my life, he was the only one that knew what today signified. There was no point in contacting Mrs. Brooks since she didn’t recognize today as the anniversary of her daughter’s death. How could she when she pretended Cassie was still alive?
I watched dawn break as I nursed my cup of coffee. My heart felt heavy, and I knew there was no point in trying to banish the ache in my chest. Nothing would make it disappear except time.
I had no appetite, but I forced myself to eat a bowl of cereal. If nothing else, it was something to do. I made no attempts to work on my article, because I knew it would be fruitless. I turned on the television and half-heartedly paid attention to the morning news shows.
It was almost noon when my phone rang, and I jumped to answer it. My heart sank when I saw that it was Adam. I hadn’t given a moment’s thought to his proposal this morning. I wasn’t ready to talk to him about it yet, but I thought it would be cruel to ignore his call after he had put his heart out on the line last night.
“Hi, Adam.” I tried to make my greeting sound more enthusiastic than I felt.
“Morning. I was just checking in to see if you had an answer to my question yet.” Adam sounded cheerful and supremely confident as if he expected me to say yes right away now that I had slept on it. I tried to not be annoyed by his persistence. I had asked for some time to think it over, and less than twenty-four hours later, he was bugging me about it. It didn’t help that it was today of all days.
I took a deep breath as I told myself that Adam had no idea of today’s significance. I couldn’t blame him for not knowing. He knew about Cassie’s death but I had never shared the details of it with him.
