by S. H. Kolee
I looked at Logan, almost begging him for a reason that would make sense. To make myself believe that Cassie hadn’t punished me for betraying her by making sure I was the one to find her lifeless body. But I knew there was nothing he could say that would make me believe otherwise.
“I don’t know.” Logan’s voice was low and the pain he was feeling was evident on his face. “I don’t know why she did what she did, but I know that you were the most important person in her life. No matter what, she wouldn’t have planned it that way to punish you. Maybe she wanted you to be the one to find her because she trusted you the most.”
I covered my face with my hands as I cried uncontrollably, knowing that he was wrong. I had pushed my best friend to her death by my selfish actions. And I was betraying her again by letting my feelings for Logan get the best of me. This had to stop.
When my sobs finally subsided, I looked up to find Logan still standing in front of me, rooted to his spot. His hands were balled into fists at his sides, like he was physically restraining himself from reaching out to me. I took a step back to put more space between us.
“Don’t do this.” Logan’s voice was rough and uneven. “Don’t give up on us before we’ve even had a chance. We can take time to figure out what the hell is going on between us, but don’t put an end to the possibility of something more by running into the arms of another man just because you’re scared.”
I pressed my lips together at the ludicrousness of his statement. “Isn’t that what I would be doing if I came to you? Adam isn’t just some man. He’s my boyfriend. He’s the wronged party in all of this, not you or me. Once again, we’re willing to hurt other people just to get what we want, but this time I’m not going to take it any further.”
“Madison–”
I put my hand up to stop him. I didn’t think I could take anymore. “Please, Logan. Just leave. Leave before I say things to you that I’ll regret. I think I always knew our friendship was a ticking time bomb that would blow up in my face. It was only a matter of time. Leave before I regret ever having you in my life.”
There was a heavy silence as we faced each other. A dozen emotions crossed Logan’s face, until finally there was nothing left but resignation.
“Call me if you’re ever brave enough to face the truth, although I can’t promise I’ll be available if and when that day ever comes.”
With those last words that cut me to the core, he walked out of my life.
Chapter Ten
I was jarred out of sleep by the ringing of my cell phone. My eyes were puffy and swollen from crying all night, and I could barely make out Emily’s name flashing across the screen of my phone. I was tempted to ignore her. I had missed her numerous calls and texts yesterday while I had been asleep, before Logan had barged in. She had been trying to warn me that she had bumped into him and mentioned Adam’s proposal because she hadn’t been aware that he didn’t know about it. After Logan left my apartment, I had sent her a quick text saying that everything was fine because I was too distraught to talk to anyone. I had also told her I would call her Saturday afternoon. Apparently, she didn’t fully believe me since she was calling me at eight-thirty in the morning.
I reluctantly decided to answer her call, knowing that she would probably be relentless until she got a hold of me.
“Well?” she asked before I even got the chance to say hello. “What happened? You should have seen Logan’s face when I told him about Adam asking you to marry him. He practically ran out of the restaurant before I was even finished with my sentence. Did he storm over to your place and profess his undying love to you?”
“Emily, I’m still half-asleep. I can’t process you talking so fast in the morning.” I tried to sound as normal as possible, but she picked up on the quaver in my voice.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, all her gleeful enthusiasm vanishing. “You sound horrible. Are you hung over again?”
I wished it were something as simple as that. I had been a mess last night. After Logan left, I had crumpled to the floor, unable to control my crying. Hours had passed before I mustered enough energy to drag myself to bed, only to cry even more. I didn’t think I could face anyone today, including Emily.
“I’m just feeling a little under the weather. Can I take a rain check on lunch? I think I’m just going to stay in today and try to sleep it off.”
“Something’s wrong,” she insisted. “I can hear it in your voice.”
“I’m fine,” I said, cursing the unsteadiness of my voice. “I just need to rest before I get full-blown sick.”
“Are you telling me the truth? If you’re not, I’m going to be pissed,” she warned.
“I promise, I’m fine,” I said, trying to control my emotions that were threatening to overwhelm me. Everything was far from fine. My life was in shambles, and the thought of trying to function like a normal human being today seemed impossible. Remembering the look on Logan’s face when I had told him to leave was too much for me to handle, and I began to cry. I struggled to keep silent, but the force of my emotions was too much and my breathing hitched.
“Wait, are you crying?” Emily’s voice sounded alarmed. “You are crying! What’s wrong?”
“I’m just feeling sick,” I lied, upset with myself that I couldn’t control the sobs that were now fully evident. “I just need to sleep.”
“Fine, don’t tell me the truth. You’ll just have to deal with me coming over.”
“Emily, wait!” I panicked, not wanting her to see me like this. She would know something was seriously wrong by taking just one look at me, and I didn’t know if I could face her with the truth. “Maybe I can meet you for lunch after all. Let me see how I feel as the day goes on.”
“Madison, stop lying. I can tell something’s wrong. Really wrong. I’ll be there in half an hour.”
“Don’t you have to work today?” I asked in one last desperate attempt to keep her from coming over.
“I can go in late. See you soon.”
She hung up before I could protest anymore. I put down my phone and wiped my tears away. What would I say to her when she came over? Could I tell her the truth? I had never told her that I had known Logan before Chicago, let alone about what had happened between us that had led to Cassie’s death. I had been too ashamed to tell Emily the truth about myself. That I was far from being a good person.
I forced myself to get out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. My face was a puffy, blotchy mess and I attempted to lessen my swollen appearance by throwing cold water on my face several times, but it was in vain.
By the time Emily arrived and I buzzed her up, I had decided to tell her the whole truth. There was no point in hiding the past anymore. I deserved to be judged for my past misdeeds.
Emily winced when she saw me, but the fact that she didn’t make a joke about my appearance told me how worried she was. She pulled out a bottle of wine from the bag on her shoulder.
“I thought we would need this.”
“It’s nine o’clock in the morning!” Despite my misery, I couldn’t help being faintly amused by her antics.
Emily shrugged. “So what? I’d make some plebian joke about how it’s after five o’clock somewhere in the world, but I don’t need a damn excuse to drink if I want to.”
She shooed me away when I offered to open the bottle, and disappeared into the kitchen. Moments later, she reappeared with two glasses of wine, handing me one as she sat down next to me on the couch.
Despite my previous protestation, I took a healthy swig of my wine. I would try anything to make myself feel better.
“Well?” Emily asked impatiently as she studied me. “Are you going to tell me why you look like you’ve been sobbing your eyes out all night?”
I sighed deeply, wondering where to start. I figured the beginning was the best place as any.
“I haven’t been completely truthful about my relationship with Logan.”
“I knew it! You guys have been
seeing each other behind Adam’s back, haven’t you?”
I frowned at her conclusion, although I wasn’t sure if I could deny it as emphatically as I wanted to. “Not really.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “Do you mind not asking any questions until I’m done telling you everything? This is going to be hard enough as it is.”
“Go ahead. My mouth is sealed.” Emily made a motion as if she were zipping her lips together.
I hesitated, hoping that what I was about to reveal wouldn’t irrevocably change our friendship, and then let the floodgates open.
“I’ve known Logan longer than I’ve let on. We actually went to the University of Michigan together. He was Cassie’s boyfriend back then.”
Emily’s eyes widened, but she kept her word and didn’t speak. I stared down at my glass of wine as I continued.
“I actually met him before she did. It was the beginning of our junior year, and he accidentally bumped into me at the school bookstore. He made me drop my books, so he picked them up for me. That’s about all there was to our first encounter.”
I paused as memories of the past rushed through me. “The night he came to our dorm room to pick up Cassie for their first date, I was surprised that it was the same guy, but it was no big deal. Their relationship developed pretty fast, and I was happy for Cassie. Logan was the first serious boyfriend she ever had, and I thought really highly of him.” I attempted a half-hearted smile. “I mean, what isn’t there to like about him? He’s good-looking, smart, funny, chivalrous… all the things that girls fall in love with.”
Emily was watching me with rapt attention, and I forced myself to continue. “It wasn’t until a few months into their relationship that Logan and I started spending time together without Cassie. She was a drama major and was involved in the school’s production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Logan spent a lot of time in our dorm room waiting for her to come home after rehearsals, so inevitably we started hanging out. It seemed natural to spend so much time together, and Cassie seemed happy that we got along so well.”
My hands twisted together in my lap as I told the story. There was no judgment on Emily’s face yet, but I knew it would come. “I swear it started out innocently. Weeks became months as Cassie finished with one play and moved on to another. Nothing happened between Logan and I all those times we hung out. We just became really good friends, and I found myself becoming closer and closer to him. I guess it was to be expected, since we were spending so much time together.” I bit my lip, telling myself I needed to be completely honest. “I won’t lie and say I wasn’t developing feelings for him. I knew I was, but I thought it didn’t matter because I never for one second believed he reciprocated those feelings. It just felt like a harmless one-sided crush, and I thought it would pass with time.”
I remembered the first stirrings of desire vividly. I had been taken off guard by the intensity of my feelings for Logan. It had hit me one afternoon while he was laughing at some scathing comment I had made about the immaturity of college boys. I remembered watching him throw his head back and hearing the deep timbre of his laugh as his blue eyes glowed in amusement. I remembered wanting to grab him in that moment and pull his head towards mine, to lose myself in a kiss.
I had been shocked by the desire that had come out of nowhere. It made me deeply uncomfortable and I felt as though I was betraying Cassie, even though it was only by thought. I had avoided spending time with Logan for the next couple of weeks, but the pull of his company had been irresistible. I told myself as long as I didn’t act on it, there was nothing wrong with my feelings. And I was sure I would never act on them.
I had stopped talking, lost in my thoughts, and Emily raised her eyebrows impatiently, obviously wanting me to hurry up and continue. I swallowed audibly before speaking again.
“Then one day, it happened. We were in our dorm room, waiting for Cassie to come home from rehearsals. I didn’t question why Logan had come over hours before Cassie would be home. He had gradually started coming over earlier and earlier as the months passed, and I just figured he didn’t have anything better to do.”
I took a deep breath before taking the plunge. “We were watching TV. I was sitting on my bed, and Logan was on the floor. I asked him to hand me a soda from our mini-fridge, and when I leaned over to grab it from him, somehow we ended up kissing.”
It had been so much more than that. I remembered the look on Logan’s face when my hair had accidentally brushed his cheek as I leaned over the edge of the bed to grab the soda from him. Suddenly, there had been a palpable tension in the room that I didn’t understand. I had just stared at him when he reached up to tuck my hair behind my ear. I would never forget the feeling of the rough pads of his fingertips as he caressed my cheek or his hand sliding down to the base of my head, urging me closer.
All thought had fled my mind the first moment our lips touched. In that instant, nothing existed except me and Logan. Not even Cassie.
Our gentle exploration had quickly deepened to an intensity that had taken my breath away. This was far from my first kiss, but it was the first kiss that had awakened something buried deep inside me.
Only the scream from the cheesy horror movie we had been watching jolted me back into reality. I felt my own horror when I realized what we had done.
“Then what?” Emily asked, no longer able to remain silent. “Don’t leave me hanging!”
“We realized we had made a terrible mistake. We both fell over ourselves apologizing, and Logan left. It was awkward for the next few weeks, and we avoided each other as much as possible.” I dropped my head as I recalled how awful I had felt during that time. My voice was low when I spoke again. “But a door had been opened that seemed impossible to shut. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. If I wasn’t thinking about him during the day, I was dreaming about him at night. But I was determined that nothing would ever happen between us again.”
I looked up, forcing myself to face Emily as I continued. “But then one day Logan came to our room. He knew Cassie wouldn’t be there because she was on an overnight trip with her drama club to see a play in another town. I shouldn’t have let him into my room, but I did.”
“Why are you here?” I asked after I shut the door behind him. I wasn’t sure if letting him inside was the right decision, but I definitely didn’t want anyone in the hallway to see us talking. My guilty conscience made me believe that anything we did was suspicious, even having a simple conversation together.
I made my face impassive, determined to not let him see how he affected me. “You know Cassie’s not here.”
“I need to talk to you.”
Logan had a determined look on his face, and it made me nervous. I crossed my arms against my chest, trying to erect a barrier between us. “About what?”
“About us.”
I laughed, but the sound was hollow. “There is no us. We agreed that what happened between us was a mistake and we should forget about it.”
The corners of Logan’s mouth turned down. “Are you telling me that you’ve been able to forget about it? That you haven’t been thinking about me at all?”
His question struck a nerve, because far from being able to forget about what had happened between us, it was all I could think about.
“This conversation is pointless.” I couldn’t let myself be drawn into something that would lead to disaster. “You’re Cassie’s boyfriend. I’m her best friend. The last thing I want to do is hurt her, and I thought you felt the same way. You should leave.”
I made a move to reach around him to open the door, but he gripped my arm to stop me. I froze, alarmed by how the simple touch of his hand affected me.
“Maddie, tell me the truth. How do you feel about me?”
I shook my head, unwilling to admit I was a lovelorn fool who had spent hours and days pining after someone I could never have. Because I could never have Logan. He was Cassie’s.
He made a sound of impatience when I refused to answer him.
“Fine, you don’t want to tell me, then I’ll tell you how I feel.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “It didn’t start with that kiss. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you for a while. I told myself we were just good friends, that I enjoyed your company because we got along so well, and it was nothing more than that. I think all along I knew I was lying to myself, but it gave me permission to spend time with you without feeling guilty.”
I stared up at him, shocked by what he was telling me. I had believed our kiss had just been a single indiscretion in a moment of insanity. I had never thought for one moment that he felt more, and had for some time.
Logan dropped his hand from my arm and ran it through his hair in frustration. “Sometimes, I would wonder if you had feelings for me. I would catch you looking at me in a certain way that would make me think you did. But every time I tried to muster up the courage to say something, you would act like you felt nothing for me but friendship. I didn’t know if I was just imagining it all.”
My heart started beating faster, hammering against my ribcage at a frenetic pace. I was torn; on one hand, I wanted to tell him to stop, because nothing good could come out of his confession, but another part of me was desperate to hear it. In the end, I just let him continue.
“But I wasn’t imagining my feelings for you,” Logan said with a sad smile. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I made excuses to come over when I knew Cassie wouldn’t be here. When I was with Cassie, I felt guilty because of my feelings for you, but I couldn’t stop wanting to be with you instead. I even tried to break up with Cassie because I knew it wasn’t fair to her, but she didn’t take it well. She broke down and begged me to give our relationship another chance.” Logan spoke quickly when he saw how my face whitened. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her that the reason I wanted to end things was because of my feelings for you.” Logan grimaced. “She was so distraught that somehow I ended up agreeing to stay together. I shouldn’t have caved, but I was stupid. It isn’t fair to any of us to go on pretending.”
