Worth Something More

by Suze Robinson

  I had slept little last night and wandered my apartment alone this morning. I thought of Lily and how she’s been a constant source to keep us taken care of with Lincoln beside her. His mother has been right there with us. Jake, Lukas, and my mother have been smiling when I thought it wasn’t even possible. The smiles are far between but better with the Thurlows keeping us company.

  Lincoln said he’ll stop by this morning, and I want his presence here. It’s too quiet without them. I settle myself on a barstool and wait for Lincoln to arrive. I write more notes for my presentation to distract my thoughts from sad memories to good ones of my sister.

  The day Julie found out what my career choice was, she stood beside me as I took the first step forward in following my dreams. It was the first day of my freshman year in college. She helped me make my way to Chicago and to a school where I could study my passion, her encouraging words guiding me.

  It was a perfect day in August when we stepped on campus the first time. The other students were rushing around, lost and desperately trying to find their way through university. Julie had slipped her arm into mine and led me toward my future. She was my support and anchor in this crazy world.

  “You’ve got this. You’ve always made me proud because you always follow what your heart tells you,” Julie told me and because she believed it, so did I. I smiled and stared up at the clouds and morning sun on the day that marked the change in my life, the start to a new chapter. There was no guarantee I could succeed in school, and that scared me. Adult life was messy and unpredictable with so many variables that played into it.

  Oftentimes, life reminds me of a complicated maze. There’s a path you’re supposed to travel that leads you to the end goal. Each fork in the road and every bump or turn leads you somewhere else, and there’s a new path to configure and make. The day I stepped on campus was one of those major steps in the puzzle in life that was going to alter me in ways I hadn’t known but was sure of because I had my sister’s support. I had her beside me, and she wouldn’t let me fall or get lost.

  I can do this, right? I recall asking her that day.

  Yes, you’ll make your mark, and it will be amazing. Just always follow your heart.

  I sigh and draw my attention back to the present. Julie’s words go through my mind, and that’s when I decide, and it’s one that changes my path again. Without questioning it further, I push my presentation paperwork aside and open my computer. I open an email and type a letter to my boss Brad and sign my resignation. I do it with sadness yet certainty that I’m making the right decision. Always follow your heart. And right now, my heart is telling me I have to be there for Jake.

  The knock sounds at the door, so I close the laptop and slide from the barstool to open the door for them. The Thurlows are standing in the hallway, dressed in black with a heavy wave of mourning that rests on their faces.

  Lily slips in and takes me in a hug, not speaking nor offering condolences, which I appreciate. Lincoln’s mom comes in next and does the same then walks into the kitchen to set up the breakfast they brought. I’m left in the entryway with Lincoln. I stare up at him. He’s a head taller than I am so I have to tilt my head back to see into his mocha-colored eyes. Those eyes are watching me closely with an edge of sadness for me. “Kate.” He says my name in a gentle caress.

  He steps closer and my arms wrap around his waist. I don’t want to cry but the tears come once his arms tighten around me, and I relax into his embrace. His hand buries itself into my hair I wore down and he keeps my head tucked in his chest.

  My hands clutch on to the fabric of his pressed shirt and absorb the comfort he’s offering me. I don’t want to let him go, but I promised myself I wouldn’t fall apart today. Everyone could depend on me when they needed someone to be strong for them. So I lift my head and step back. Lincoln’s hands come up to cup my face, and he uses his thumbs to brush the wet tears from my cheeks. “You’ve got this,” he assures. I nod and step away from him.

  This man has seen me in many ways over a short time we’ve known one another, but now I’ll show him he’s right. I’m strong enough to face what’s ahead. His words will keep me going today. When the day seems dark, or I feel myself slipping away, I’ll remember I can do this.

  When Jake, my reason for following my heart walks in, solidifying the decision I made to leave today is right. I’ll be letting many things go, but Jake has always been the biggest piece of my heart aside from my sister and father. The pain he’s feeling hits me like a knife to the chest. I swallow back the bile that rises in my throat. His long hair is hanging in his face, and his red-rimmed eyes show he’s been crying all night. I’ll always be beside him as he handles the burden that his parents’ deaths bring him.

  “Come have some of the breakfast Lily brought you.” I take Jake’s hand and pull him into the kitchen. Lincoln’s presence behind me is comforting, and it’s nice to have him here for me. He doesn’t question it, doesn’t pull away from me either.

  Lukas walks into the kitchen next and joins us at the table. My mother still hasn’t appeared, and I’m worried that today is when it’s going to crash down on her.

  “Hey, guys. Thanks for breakfast.” Lukas takes up a spot next to Martha. Lincoln’s mother rests her hand across his shoulders and gives him a side hug.

  “It’s no problem,” she assures, Martha doesn’t know Julie or Jeff well, and she’s only met Jake a few times, but she’s still here for us. People like Martha are rare, and I wish I could have gotten to meet her on different terms.

  “Where’s your mom, Kate?” Martha asks and glances around the room, searching for our missing person.

  “She must still be in my room. I’ll go get her.”

  Lukas reaches his arm out to pause me. There’s a worried look that causes his blonde brows to scrunch in the middle.

  “She was crying when I passed earlier. Kate, I’ve never seen her upset before. Even when we lost Dad.” I saw her with Julie after Dad passed and it was the first glimpse of emotion I’d seen from the woman. If she’s falling apart in there, then it’s time I stepped in.

  “I’ve got this, Lukas.” I bend down and hug my brother. I whisper in his ear so only he can hear. “Keep an eye on Jake for me.”

  I knew he’s not going anywhere and that wasn’t what the warning was for. I know he’s about to have a breakdown soon. My eyes connect with Lincoln’s for a moment, and something passes between us. A longing and desire that will go unexplored, but I still know he will be there for me today despite that. We say nothing. We don’t have to because glancing Lincoln’s way is enough to keep me strong.

  I make my way down the hall and into my bedroom I gave my mother, so she’d have somewhere comfortable to rest while staying with me. I find her sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at a family photo taken on a vacation a couple of years ago. We were all there.

  “After I lost your father, I didn’t think I could endure a worse pain, but now Juliana has left me. I’m not sure if I can do this.”

  I take a deep breath. My mother will not crumble on me today. I won’t let her. “I know you can. You’re one of the toughest women I know. I’m proud of who I am today, and that’s because of you. You taught me how to be strong enough to face anything. You can do this.”

  “I’m proud of you, Kathleen.”

  I will not cry but the swell in my chest can’t handle the words leaving her mouth. My entire life I’ve waited to hear those words from her. She cries harder and her muffled words come out through broken sobs. “I can’t bury my daughter.”

  I hold my mother close and let her fall apart.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Lincoln

  I stand outside under the dark-gray storm clouds and hold the black umbrella over my head. My other arm wraps around Lily’s shoulders to hold her up. Her mother is of no use as she cries in Mark’s arms. She lost her best friend and is laying her to rest. I felt for Morgan, so I’m who keeps Lily together instead. My eyes stay o
n Kate though, and not a single tear has fallen since she cried in my arms this morning. She hasn’t left Jake’s side either, since she pulled her mother together this morning. Kate is a force and so fucking beautiful as she stands her ground and becomes her family’s support.

  The fun and happy Kate I met a few days ago is missing. She’s lost in the dark clouds of mourning now. It’s as if she hides what she’s feeling and keeps it locked behind a mask for no one to see. She’s who her family leaned on today when things got too hard. As a result, Kate turned her feelings off, and left no one to see her pain. So, I was there for her. Throughout the day, I watched for her so when she looked, our eyes would connect. I hope it gave her strength and let her know she wasn’t alone. She has someone to lean on if she needs it.

  The caskets lower into the ground as Kate’s arms wrap around Jake. Lukas grabs his mom before she crumbles to the ground and walks her back to the car. Lily slips from my arms and tries to walk toward Jake. Something in his eyes, anger and a coldness I’ve never seen before, has me pausing Lily from walking. He doesn’t want her there and in his suffering, he’s shutting her out.

  Jake twists around and leaves the cemetery, saying nothing more to Lily. It’s then I know—everything has changed for them.

  Who Jake was before Julie’s and Jeff’s deaths isn’t there anymore. I’ve never seen his eyes so bleak or lost. He’d been drifting and now he’s broken. I wrap my daughter in my arms and watch her best friend leave. She cries into my chest for the loss she now has. She lost her Jake right then, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. He will mourn without her.

  My eyes connect with Kate’s one last time today before she leaves and chases her nephew down. I’ll always be Lily’s anchor, and Kate will always be Jake’s. And for the few days, our anchors brought us together. They are now pulling us apart in opposite directions, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. There in the cemetery under the bitter rainy summer is where I watch the woman I’m growing to care for walk away, and I can’t go after her because in my arms, my heart is breaking. I’m also sure I’ll never find out if what Kate and I shared in this short time could be more.

  My hand at her side, I lead Lily back to the car and help her get in the back seat. She was limping and struggling to walk. The rainy day has worn on her body, and mixed with the stress and pain, she’s a mess today. With a quick pull of my front door, I climb in and shut the door, and that’s when it all comes crashing back. The anger and devastation on Jake’s face and the look of longing on Kate’s hits me. I don’t want to let her go, but I knew it was coming. That I will have to let her go because she’s leaving Chicago to be with Jake. In the short time I’ve known her, I’m certain of it and I don’t blame her because I would do the same.

  “He doesn’t want me around, Dad,” Lily says, and it breaks my heart at how defeated she sounds.

  “I’m sorry, L. He’s going through such a hard time. He doesn’t know how to handle it. Jake doesn’t mean to hurt you.”

  A loud knock on the window cuts me off mid-sentence, and when I turn my head, Mark is standing by the window. I grind my teeth and roll the window down. Nothing tops a bad day better than having to speak to the man who stole my wife from me.

  “What do you need, Mark?”

  “Morgan wants Lily home with her tonight. Lily, let’s go. Your mom needs you.”

  I want to growl at him, but instead, I turn and nod at Lily. What Morgan says goes in these situations, and I’ve had her all weekend and into the week. It’s the time when it’s Morgan’s turn to have her.

  “Bye, Dad. Love you,” she whispers and gets out of the car without further argument.

  I put the car in drive and make my way from the cemetery to my house. The trip gives me too much time to contemplate. Also, too many opportunities to glance at my phone and see there isn’t a message from Kate.

  Kate hasn’t given me her number or reached out to me yet. There’s no way—short of driving to her apartment to talk to her—for me to reach her tonight. She needs her space and her attention goes to Jake now. Instead of going to her like I’m aching to do, I turn into my driveway and cut the engine.

  My keys dangle in my hand as I make a slow walk up the walkway and unlock the door. Everything crashes down and makes it difficult to breathe when I’m alone with my thoughts to focus on. There isn’t a need I can care for, which means I have nothing to distract me from the surrounding emptiness.

  I walk inside, toss my keys on the entry table, and don’t bother turning on the lights. Instead, I remove my jacket and walk to my office to lose myself in work. Because the only other choice is to go to bed alone and I’d prefer to not think of the latter right now.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Kate

  I’m holding Julie’s and Jeff’s wedding album and have been rather proud that I’ve kept my tears at bay. Without opening the album, I place it into a box labeled keep then move on to the next item in her closet—Jake’s baby album.

  “Julie has the best taste in shoes,” Jefferson yells from the closet, causing a chuckle to slip out. He’s been here with me, helping us sort through everything that once belonged to Julie and Jeff. My mother has to be back to Georgia soon. There are only two days to get through Julie and Jeff’s possessions and get the home ready to sell once the estate clears through the courts. Honestly, my mother handled everything, which clears me and Lukas to focus on Jake.

  “You said that every time you saw my sister.” I chuckle his way and slip the baby book into my keep box and move down the rows of other personal keepsakes Julie had stored away.

  “What can I say, she knows how to shop.” Jefferson folds a shirt and adds it to a box labeled donate. “Don’t you want to keep some of her clothes? You guys are the same size.”

  I cringe at the thought and shake my head. I couldn’t imagine wearing my dead sister’s clothes let alone her son seeing me in them. Jefferson doesn’t mean to be offensive, and he cringes himself once he realizes what he asked.

  He changes the subject. “So the rumor from Brad is you aren’t coming back to work and someone random guy from IT is gaming with us instead. Lincoln had someone else lined up for your presentation spot, so you didn’t have to worry.” Jefferson doesn’t sound mad that I didn’t tell him I resigned yet, only saddened by the thought of what I’m giving up. I know with the look he sends my way that he understands my decision to follow Jake to Georgia and live with my mother and maybe he even knew I would all along.

  “I need to be with him, Jefferson. My friends and career here mean a lot, but Jake’s everything important right now. He’s my heart and following him is the right choice. He will never be alone.” I stand up and haul a box over for the team my mother hired to move. She’s been rather efficient because she has surgeries scheduled and needs to get back to Georgia. I also think the thought of still being in Chicago and Julie’s home is killing her. I’m sure she will forever wear new stress lines of the loss she’s had. It aged her but softened her in a way I would never have expected.

  “We understand. You’ll stay in touch with us, right? We will connect online every chance we get and you’ll text and Skype me often. You’re amazing, and I’ll always be there to support you even if you’re states away.”

  Jefferson takes me in his arms and holds me close. His comfort and friendship are calming me some, considering I’m making such a huge change, but there’s no questioning it. Giving up everything to be there for Jake is an easy choice, just a hard decision.

  WITH A QUICK PULL OF the clear tape, I close up the last box from my kitchen and set it aside. In the previous two days, I’ve packed up Julie’s home and mine. Everything I own is now ready for the movers that my mother hired for tomorrow. Tonight will be the last night I sleep in my apartment because when I told my mother I was moving to Georgia to help, she sounded more than relieved to get the extra help. During the final moments in my home, I glance out the window and see the Chicago skyline. It’s the
last moment I’ll look back on the life and career I created for myself. The room is empty. I don’t even have my cat anymore, but she’s in great hands with Jefferson. I packed my stuff up and I won’t go to work tomorrow. There’s nothing left for me to do but say goodbye to one more person. I’ve hesitated texting him because he’s the hardest for me to let go. I want to know what would happen if I let something form between me and Lincoln, but how could we since I’m moving away?

  Someone knocks on the front door, and I glance at my watch to check the time. It’s after eight at night. Jefferson had left hours ago, taking Mellie with him, and I expect no one else. My heart pounds harder in my chest with the thoughts it could be Lincoln because he too couldn’t let me go without a goodbye.

  We haven’t seen one another since the funeral, and I’ve missed the friendship we created over the last week. With a quick glance through the peephole to be sure it’s him, I open the door and have never been so happy to have someone disturb my night. I don’t want to spend tonight alone.

  I pull the door open and give Lincoln a sad smile. He’s holding a six-pack of beer and pizza with his charming smile. “I heard you’ve been busy packing all day, so I figured you might have missed dinner and may need a drink.”

  He lifts the beer and pizza to exaggerate his point. I smile wider and open the door further, welcoming him into my home. Lincoln wears a pair of worn jeans and a t-shirt which has him looking absolutely delicious. He walks inside and sets the pizza on the counter. This visit differs from our other moments together. This time, Lincoln is at my place for me. He lifts the top of the pizza box then pops open a beer before passing it over. Lincoln guessed what my favorite dinner and drink are, which surprises me. He also was aware I was packing. “You talked to Jefferson, didn’t you?”

  Lincoln chuckles then passes a slice of pizza over. “Jefferson was at the office when I left so we talked on my way out.”