“I-I can’t focus on anyone else right now,” I admitted. “I don’t know how. I thought losin’ my sister was hard, but I-I never really prepared myself to lose Phoebe. Not really. I heard what she said about her kidneys, I knew the possibility, but I was so confident she was gonna beat the odds. So certain she couldn’t leave me like this.”
Alyssa reached across the table for my hand. “I think we all did, sweetie.”
I tried to stow my emotions before they ripped through me again.
“Have you given any thought to what you’ll do in the coming months?” Alyssa asked. She seemed to be steppin’ around somethin’ bigger, and it wasn’t difficult to guess what that was.
“Are ya askin’ whether I’m gonna go back to the States?”
She offered a guilty half-smile. “Well, you did move halfway across the world to be with Phoebe. You left a life there. It has to have crossed your mind . . . hasn’t it?”
“I ain’t sure that it has.” A sound halfway between a chuckle and a sob left my throat. “I ain’t had many thoughts about anythin’ that weren’t about the pain of losin’ her.”
“That’s what I mean though. Part of me is a little worried you might decide the memories are too hard and just leave one day.”
I thought about her words. It was possible there was some truth in them. Would I eventually want to escape the memories I was currently attemptin’ to drown myself in?
“I just want you to know that you’re still family. You always will be, and not just because of the girls. You and Angel both are. Always. Even if you decide it’ll be easier overseas, that won’t change. Okay? We’re here for you.”
“Thanks, Lys.” I stood and rounded the table to take her into my arms. I held her as she started to cry.
She added a muffled, “But please don’t take my granddaughters away.”
I couldn’t help the little laugh that left me. “I ain’t got no plans, but I’ll let you know if that changes.”
After gettin’ Alyssa’s reassurance that she’d be all right with the girls, and that she’d ring me straight away if she weren’t, I headed out to find Angel. The only problem was, I didn’t know where she mighta gone. It was possible she coulda headed out to Cedar Creek Falls like Phoebe had when she’d needed space, but somehow I didn’t think that was right.
When Phoebe needed time out, she needed to be away from everyone—alone. Angel was almost the polar opposite. She craved comfort and closeness. Even when she’d gone to the UK, it was to reunite with an ex-girlfriend, Jamie.
If Angel hadn’t gone to see Alyssa and Declan and hadn’t come back home, I wasn’t sure where else she mighta gone. She hadn’t had a partner for months, not even for an occasional date. Her mama was gone. I hadn’t seen Angel with too many other friends besides Phoebe. None that she was close enough to she mighta run to them.
I drove the streets for a while tryin’ ta put on the best Phoebe Reede impression I could. She’d know where Angel was. She’d know exactly what Angel needed.
My first stop was a cafe Phoebe and Angel visited from time to time. It was as close to a favorite place as either of them had. Then I drove to some of the places I knew were special to the two of them for various reasons—places Phoebe had pointed out to me over the years.
When I didn’t find her at any of them, I drove to the next place I could think of—Angel’s mama’s home. The house would contain bad memories, and yet it was no doubt familiar too. Comfortable. Exactly what Angel woulda been lookin’ for. I was certain the trust had sold it in the months since Lydia’s death, but I didn’t think that would matter to Angel.
I was still a short distance away when I confirmed my suspicion. Angel’s car was on the opposite side of the road to her mama’s place, and Angel’s blonde hair spilled forward over the steerin’ wheel.
My heart raced as I parked behind her. The way her head was slumped forward made me fear the worst, but I hoped she was just sleepin’ or cryin’.
I practically tore my door off the hinges in my rush to get out of the car. All the words I needed to say were in my head as I raced to the car.
“Sweetness,” I said as I tapped on her window. It didn’t look like she was movin’ or breathin’.
I sighed with relief when her chest shuddered with a sob. Cryin’ I could deal with—if it was anythin’ more it woulda been too much. I wouldn’t have survived losin’ her too.
The click of the locks unlocking told me she was givin’ me permission to help her. Instead of openin’ the driver door and draggin’ her onto the street, I rounded the car to the passenger side and slid inside.
Almost as soon as I was settled, she climbed across the car and into my lap. Her body shook with sobs so violent that it was clear she wasn’t gettin’ enough oxygen. It was the first time she’d broken down—really broken down—since Phoebe’s passin’. It made one thing clear to me. She’d been holdin’ it all in, holdin’ it all back, for me.
She’d put herself last in everything, and had ever since Phoebe got sick.
“Beau, I-I-I—”
“Shh, sweetness, there ain’t nothin’ to discuss yet. Just let it out. Ya need to let it out.”
Her sobs grew louder as she let go of everything she’d been holdin’ inside.
We sat for at least an hour in the car, with her cryin’ out all her tears and me holdin’ back the deluge of emotions I’d been experiencin’ for weeks so that she didn’t need to be the strong one for once. When her tears started to slow, and her breathin’ came back under control, I brushed my hand over her hair.
“I’m sorry for what I said last night,” I said.
“I should be apologizing. I shouldn’t have pushed you when you clearly weren’t ready to be pushed.”
“Sweetness, you needed to break. You needed to let go for a while. I can see that now. You’ve spent so long bein’ strong, that I came to rely on it more than I shoulda. Now, ya need to let me take care of ya for a while.”
“I can’t ask that. Phoebe—”
“Told me I had to take care of ya. In the recordin’ she left for the one month mark, she reminded me of what I promised her.”
“Which was?”
“That I’d look after ya when she was gone.”
“She made me promise the same thing.” Angel grimaced and climbed back into the same driver seat. “And I’ve already broken the promise.”
“How?”
Angel stared at her hands for a moment, as if unwillin’ to look at me before she spoke. “She made me promise that I wouldn’t walk away. No matter how bad things got, she made me promise I’d stay.”
“Ya ain’t walked away.”
“I did. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here, and neither would you.”
“Ya ain’t got spare clothes with ya. Ya ain’t packed up all your things either.”
“No. I guess not. I just . . . it all hurts so much, and I’ve been trying to be strong and to look after the girls, and just do everything I know Phoebe would have done for me if the tables were turned. But I’ve failed. You think I’m trying to take over, and that’s never been my intention.”
“I didn’t mean what I said, sweetness. I wouldn’ta survived the last few months without ya. Well, I mighta with a liquid diet, but the girls wouldn’ta.”
“I’m really not trying to replace Phoebe as their mother.”
“I know.”
“I do love them more than I’ve ever loved anyone else though, and I do want to be there for them for the rest of their lives.”
“And they’d be lucky to have ya in their lives.”
She turned her emerald irises onto me. “Something’s got to change though. We can’t keep going the way we have been. It’s not fair on me, and it’s not healthy for you or the girls.”
“I know, sweetness. I gotta step up. I gotta be the daddy they deserve, and I think that means spendin’ some time away from them and not lettin’ them drown in my grief.”
“What are you thinki
ng?”
“Lys mentioned that Dec is lookin’ for someone to help out a li’l at Emmanuel Racing. I was thinkin’ maybe I could spend a day or two a week there.”
“Doing what?”
“Whatever I need to do. It’ll get me outta the house a li’l, and between that and takin’ the girls out, it might help me find some balance.”
Angel rested her head on my shoulder. “That’s all I wanted for you, and for them. Where are they now?” She looked behind her, as if I mighta left ’em in the car.
“With Lys and Georgia.”
She reached for my hands and clasped them between hers. “Did you want to get them and bring them home?”
“I was thinkin’ I might leave them there for a li’l longer if it’s okay with you?”
“What does it have to do with me?”
“Everythin’, but there’s somethin’ I wanna organize first. I’ll meet ya at home, okay?”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Okay.”
I climbed from her car and headed back to mine. When I was safely inside, I texted Alyssa to let her know I’d found Angel and was gonna spend a li’l time alone with her before comin’ to pick up the girls.
It was almost another half an hour later when I arrived home. Angel’s car was already in the drive, and as I climbed from my car, I hoped I was doin’ the right thing.
When I came through the door, I heard the shower goin’. I took the time while Angel was occupied to put my plan into motion. The first thing I did was set up a movie, an old favorite of both Angel and Phoebe, then I made a hot Milo and broke out the packet of Tim Tams I’d bought. It mighta been cheatin’ to try to use an old routine Phoebe and Angel shared to comfort Angel, but it was the best I could do.
“You know the twins need to go back for another check-up and their vaccinations soon,” Angel called out from the bathroom after she’d finished in the shower. She musta heard me movin’ ’round the hallway.
“Do they?” Other than when I needed to, I hadn’t tracked the days or anything outside of my own hurt. It made me see the truth in Angel’s words—not that I hadn’t already started to realize the mistakes I was makin’.
“I thought I could take them if you like.”
“It’s okay. I’ll do it.”
She walked out of the bathroom, dressed but with a towel wrapped around her hair. The horror-struck look on her face made me want to erase the words I’d said. I’d find some way to do it—we needed harmony in the house to offset the grief. “I’m not trying to overstep any boundaries, it was just an offer.”
“I know, sweetness. I wanna step up and do it for them. Like I wanna do this for you.” I stepped aside so she could see the stuff I’d set up.
“What are you doing?” The horror didn’t get swept from her face. In fact, her mouth twisted more than ever.
“I was tryin’ ta make up for what I said and tryin’ ta show ya that I can look after things too.”
Her hand covered her mouth, and her tears started again. “Those were all Phoebe’s favorite things. I used to do all of this for her.”
“I know. That’s why I thought . . .” I trailed off as her tears started.
I rushed to her side and caught her as her legs gave way to her grief.
“I can’t do this without her,” she said around sobs as I held her tight. “She always promised I wouldn’t have to do my life without her in it.”
“What do you need, sweetness?” It was impossible to give her the one thing we both needed, but I hoped to help in some small way.
“A drink.”
Although I understood her need, I also knew her situation well enough to stop and wonder whether it would be for the best to let her fall into a bottle. Would she end up like her mama if she did?
Another sob was all it took to change my mind.
“What do ya want?” I asked.
“Whatever you’ve got.”
I helped her to the sofa and then poured her a generous shot of Fireball. I thought about pourin’ myself one, but someone would need to be on hand to collect the girls, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to stop at just one.
Decidin’ against a drink for myself, I took the shot over to Angel. I would’ve taken the bottle, but it was decidedly too dangerous for both of us.
She downed the drink in one mouthful and then turned into my hold, wrappin’ her arms around my waist as she broke again—finally lettin’ all her feelin’s free.
I’d made a vow to Phoebe to look after her best friend. Phoebe had reminded me of that fact in her video.
As I sat with Angel sobbin’ against me, I made a new vow to never forget that promise again.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: LIFE MOVES
AFTER ANGEL’S BREAKDOWN, we found a new equilibrium. She was strong when I needed her to be, and in return, I watched her carefully. Whenever she was gettin’ close to breakin’, I would give her the strength she needed in return. Within another two weeks, and after watching another video from Phoebe to strengthen my resolve, I felt ready enough to talk to Declan about returning to Emmanuel Racing. It wasn’t that I wanted to leave the girls, or get out of the house, but because I wanted to do better by Phoebe’s memory. That meant followin’ all the loose threads her death had caused back to their source and fixin’ the broken parts of people. It’s what Phoebe would’ve done.
Instead of callin’ though, I went into the office to see him. That way, I could see for myself how bad things had become.
When I arrived, I was surprised to see his office door closed. The whole time I’d been at Emmanuel Racing—both as a race controller and as a ProV8 driver—his door had only been closed for strategy meetin’s, but I’d already passed everyone who he might have had with him. The only one missin’ was his assistant, Gina, who was away from her desk.
I headed for Declan’s office and knocked on the door. A second later, Gina slipped out of the door.
“Oh, hi, Beau!” When she caught sight of me, her eyes widened, and she smoothed down her blouse. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see my father-in-law.”
She glanced over her shoulder and pressed her lips together. “You might need to give him a moment.”
The guilt on her expression and every action she’d taken played in my head. I’d seen women actin’ similar around Dale’s office at Richards Racing. It was pretty clear what had happened there. Could Gina and Declan have . . .
I couldn’t allow the thought to fester.
Still, Alyssa’s words about Declan’s long hours sprang to my mind. Throwin’ himself into work. Longer hours. Less time at home.
Despite that, I couldn’t believe he would actually . . .
He loved Alyssa too much to do anythin’ like that.
Didn’t he?
Unable to hide my growin’ disgust, I pushed past Gina before she could try to stop me. If Declan was in the middle of a clean-up, I would catch him. Ever since I’d seen him the way he was with his family, Declan had held my utmost respect. If he’d chosen to throw that life away, I would make him pay.
“Dec, what’re ya—” I cut off when I caught sight of him.
Doubled over in his office chair, he didn’t even look up at me. His eyes were red, and he was strugglin’ for breath. On his desk beside him was a glass of amber liquid. It was clear instantly that it wasn’t an affair; it was that he wasn’t copin’.
It was grief pullin’ him to pieces, not dishonesty.
That, I could understand.
I wanted to apologize to Phoebe for thinkin’ the worst of her daddy.
Gina followed me in. “I’m sorry, Declan, he—”
Declan waved his hand to silence her. “Don’t worry, Ginnie. Just leave us alone and make sure we’re not disturbed, will you?”
“Yes, sir.”
After a minute of silence passed between us, Declan sighed. “What’re you doing here?”
“I’m goin’ crazy ’round home. I needed to get away for a while.”
“And this was the first place you thought of?”
“I was hopin’ ya might have somethin’ to keep me occupied a day or two a week?”
He set the photo frame in his hand—an object I hadn’t noticed at first—back on the desk before downing the last of the drink he had. “Lys put you up to this, didn’t she?”
I hadn’t even started sayin’ no when he glared at me.
As soon as he turned his eyes to me, I had to take a bracin’ breath. I hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be to be face to face with him. It’d been so many weeks since I’d seen Declan—not since Phoebe’s funeral.
Seein’ Alyssa was hard because her features were so similar to Phoebe—she looked like Phoebe mighta if she’d been allowed more years—but seein’ Declan was so much worse. He bore the part of Phoebe I missed the most. The part I’d fallen in love with. Her eyes. The expressive and unique seafoam irises that I’d fallen into from the first night I met her. Looking at him caused ripples of agony to race through me as my mind filled with memories of meetin’ Phoebe’s gaze on so many important occasions.
“Do you think I don’t know that she hates where we’re at now? That she thinks I need to spend less time here?”
“She misses ya.”
“What am I supposed to do? She reminds me too much of Phoebe. They have the same expressions and mannerisms. I just can’t look at her at the moment without feeling soul-shattering agony over what I’ve lost.”
My heart broke for him, but at the same time, I had very little in the way of sympathy when his actions were causin’ harm. He knew Alyssa was hurtin’ because of him and yet he didn’t change a thing to help her. “Is this really the best way to deal with your grief though? It ain’t like you’re even buryin’ yourself in your work.”
Closing his eyes, he dropped his shoulders. His head drooped until his chin was on his chest. A sigh escaped seconds later. “You don’t understand.”
“I know what it’s like to lose a child—”
Beacon (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story Book 6) Page 15
