She alone can hold your magic.
The thought filled my memory, the words followed by a swell of pride and love that was so familiar. I forced out my own shaky breath, knowing in that moment that I was witnessing more than her strength, more than her power. I was seeing a glimmer of the confidence she was hiding. I was seeing the woman she would become.
It was beautiful.
She was beautiful.
I was lost in it, until everything began to change.
I felt her magic waver before she did, the wind changing direction before she did. Jumping into the air, my own magic caught me, taking me right to her just as she began to panic. As she began to fall. Pure terror lined her face as I caught her, arms holding her close as I gave my heart and soul the thing they longed for.
Her.
Having her so close was a live wire through my veins. I pressed her into me, unable to control myself. Unable to let her go. She was here, I needed to protect her.
I would always protect her.
Bringing us to land on a tree branch, I forced out an exhale, releasing her as we landed on a tree branch, the reluctant motions making her stumble a bit over the trees wide arm.
“I told you I wouldn’t let you fall.”
“Thank you, My Lord.” She looked down, hiding into her hoodie as she spoke in little more than a mumble.
“I am just Ilyan now, Joclyn.” I longed to step forward, to hold her again, to press her against me. But even though I knew the ‘me’ that was in the memory didn’t remember all that I did, didn’t know everything that was coming. He stayed still, watching her through the longing, through a pain of loss that didn’t quite fit.
“Thank you, Ilyan.”
It was a longing that only got worse with the sound of my name on her voice.
My name. All the need, all of the loss, all of the confusion of the last few years faded as I regained the one thing I had longed for almost more than her.
My name.
“You are very welcome.” The calm of my voice didn’t match the joy I felt at my name, it didn’t match the desire I had to hold her against me. Still, I didn’t move. “Now, we are going to do it again, but this time I want you to focus on the wind. Set your mind on what it is doing and how I am controlling it…”
These words I had heard before, on the battlefield as I launched myself into the air for the first time. The reminder of the battle swallowed the memory, the image dissipating into spots of color before it was gone altogether, leaving me staring at the black of my subconscious as I once again began to fall.
“Do not let fear enter your mind. I will be here, always.” My own voice came to me through the darkness, the never-ending fall broken up by what I was sure was a soft mattress, the faint beeping I knew so well echoing through my mind and making it clear where I was.
Where I had returned to.
I tried to move, to see if the restraints had returned, to prepare to fight if needed. But my body remained frozen, the steady beeping turning into a haunting metronome in my mind.
“They kept no record of him,” a younger man said, his voice shaking with uncertainty, or fear judging by the snap of a man that came after.
“Either that or they took the record with them. He was important to them. That makes him important to us.”
The heart rate monitor accelerated as I continued to fight against the weight my body was under. I tried to open my eyes, to tell them who I was, to ask for Kaye, to find Joclyn. Nothing happened, I lay still, trapped in darkness, listening to the sound of my heart as my lingering memories kept me company.
“I will be here always,” I whispered, the words drowned by the shouts of the men and alarm as they yelled.
“He’s going into cardiac arrest!”
The black swallowed me as the sound of my struggling heart faded, the ghostly whispers of the memory replacing it.
“Relax your body; do not think of the movement you are about to accomplish.” The words returned in a rush of calm, the breathy whisper one that I had only heard a few times before.
The sound spun through my mind as I did through the black.
The broken fragments of my memory returned as the warmth of air and magic ran over my skin. Her skin was warm underneath mine as I placed my hands on her arms, careful not to pull her against me. She was so close.
“Focus only on the wind. Focus on its movement, on its warmth. Focus on how your magic will bring it to you. Do not worry, Joclyn; I will never let you fall” I spoke in the same breathy whisper as I gave into my need of her, pulling her against me.
The memory flickered, my heart faltering as everything sputtered back into blackness. Everything was gone but the ragged pant of my tense breaths and the pressure of her against me.
The feeling of empowering love faded, the emotion mutating into an unwanted anxiety as everything began to shift. The sound of the wind reduced to a low rumble that grated in my bones. It took me a moment to realize what it was, the memory falling into place.
Rocks.
Rocks that ground and slid against each other as they shifted, preparing to come down on top of us.
“I am going to blow the rest of the cave open.” My snap echoed through the dark, my determination rumbling over the roar of rocks as flickers of lights began to appear, the multicolor specks feeling out of place. “I will be able to hold the ceiling for enough time for us to get to Rioseco. No matter what happens, do not stop.”
“And, Joclyn?” Someone asked, the world beginning to populate as the brightly colored lights illuminated a cave, a man with long dreads shifting into view.
The man from the beach. My brother.
I had never seen him so close in my memory. I had never spoken to him, and yet here he and was.
His face and clothes were filthy, the ratted holey things hanging off his bony frame as he stood in the middle of a cave. My brother jumped at the roar of the mountain, glancing from me, to the girl that I held in my arms. She felt different than it had in the forest. Her small frame wasn’t stable, her limbs flopped around like a rag doll as I shifted her weight against me.
Her life was gone.
“I will carry her. She is my responsibility.”
Rocks crashed loudly, drowning out my voice as the memory of the cave fell away, leaving me to tumble through the nothing before I froze, standing in the middle of the same black hole that had peppered the fragments of my memories.
Then there was only silence.
Only black, as I stood, the tension growing in my chest as I waited.
I didn't dare move. How could I, for all I knew one step would denote death as whatever subconscious prison I was trapped in would be shattered.
It shattered anyway, but not by the sounds of my own end, but by Joclyn’s beautiful laugh.
The laugh cut through the tension like a bell, pulling my focus as I turned, only to come face to face with her as she smiled.
The abrupt change in emotions gave me whiplash. The love I felt now was just as strong as before, just as wanted. The small moment of pain I had just seen before, however, the tension and the fear… I couldn’t shake it.
I had seen so much fear, so much death, pass between her and I. This woman that I loved. It was hard to imagine that there was good among it all, that there was joy there.
“You must choose to make the joy your focus,” she said, the words jarring as she responded to the fear in my mind.
Her hair began to stream over her face, floating around her head as though she was standing by the sea. She was just as she was when I had last left her on the beach. Before I had gone with Kaye, before dozens of bullets had pierced my flesh. Even though it was clear where she was, even though I could clearly see that moment as she stood before me, the beach was gone. It was just her and I standing amongst a dark nothing, only ourselves visible.
“Find happiness?” I whispered, a heavy uneasiness keeping me from moving forward.
“Yes,” she sighed, the wind
tugging at her, at the loose-fitting sweater she wore. The breeze was strong enough that I was sure I should feel something, yet there was nothing. “It’s a choice, isn’t it? Have you chosen to be happy, Ilyan?”
Her dark hair covered her face, her smile growing as she moved the long strands aside. My heart screaming at me to step forward and do it for her. But I couldn’t move.
I was frozen as her eyes flashed silver and black, as an unfamiliar smile pulled at her lips, and an imposter looked up to me.
The weak girl who soared through the trees was gone, but so was the powerful woman I had spent so many beach-side dreams with. The way she smiled, the way she glanced at me… It couldn't be her, and yet, I could feel something deep inside of me pull towards her, scream for her.
“Joclyn?” The question I had wanted to ask never found its way out, instead it was only one word, the sound full of the same longing and confusion that was tugging at my heart.
She smiled at the question, pushing more hair out of her face as she took a tentative step forward. I was sure this woman understood the question, I could see it in the beautiful eyes she had stolen.
Instead of answering, however, she stood before me with a smug smile that made my anger and need boil aggressively.
“You have to chose to be happy.” She said, the unfamiliar glance digging deep. “If you don’t choose joy, you will never experience it.”
“That sounds familiar,” my voice was a little more than a gasp as some memory tried to pull its way out of the pit of my subconscious, only the whisper of an older man made its way through.
“Dramin would say that to you for decades while you waited for her,” She paused, her eyes focused far past me and into the blackness that surrounded us. “He would say it to Joclyn…”
“To Joclyn,” I interrupted her, her focus pulling to me as an unfamiliar smile threatened the corners of her mouth. “But aren’t you..?”
“You know that I am not.” She said, that same foreign smile twitching around the corners of her mouth, “Your soul has already told you as much.”
Her eyes grew sad as she stepped closer, something pulling me away from the fraud that had invaded my subconscious.
For years I had known that the Joclyn I lay on the beach with was just a fabrication, but she was so similar to the girl from my dreams that I never questioned it was her.
But this woman had stolen the woman I loved so much and invaded my mind. I wanted to destroy her, to rip her apart and cast her into the darkness.
I could feel my temper growing, the need to destroy her growing. There was something else there, however, that stopped me. Something that was drawing me to her.
“Who are you?”
I studied every part of her as I stepped away, fighting the need to move closer by putting as much darkness between us as I could. My feral need of her wouldn’t allow for much, however.
“I am part of you, the part that is missing.” She spoke in a sing song like the words were a riddle. Although I was sure the words were meant to help, they only befuddled me more. My quickly growing urgency for what she was making it hard for me to see the possibility in the words.
Wait.
What.
What she was, not who.
My eyes narrowed as hers widened as if she knew what was coming.
“What are you?”
Her smile brightened as she stepped forward, that same internal battle raging over pulling away and rushing closer. Instead, I stood still, fingers clenching and unclenching against the tense muscles in my thighs.
“That is the right question.” Her hair continued to blow in the wind, tangling over the bright silver eyes that bored into me. Although she was less than a foot from me, I still felt nothing.
Not even a whisper of the breeze.
My heart rampaged, pulling for her. Needing her. The emotion was familiar, but it was not the love I felt for Joclyn.
It was not the same.
This was a hunger.
The feeling was feral, like I was an animal that needed to take possession of this woman. Possession of whatever she was. The unwanted need twisted in my gut and I stepped away from her, her smile falling as her eyes flashed darkly.
I expected the need I felt to vanish at the look, but if anything it grew, the familiarity at the anger taking me off guard.
“Why don't you want me?” She asked, the danger in her eyes growing further. “You have been searching for me, haven't you? I am right here, Ilyan.”
“You are not Joclyn,” I was surprised by the hostility in my own voice. It tensed through my muscles in tight little knots, rippling in anger.
“I know.” Her coy response only flared my anger more.
“I have been searching for my…” I stalled.
The word that fit Joclyn was lost. I could feel it there, the memory waiting for me. Just like the wind in the darkness, however, it was blocked from me.
“For your what?” She taunted the haunting anger beginning to fade as she teased. “For your wife? Your mate?”
My heart was a thunder. It beat against my ribs painfully as the memory I had seen before of me braiding her hair replayed in my mind. The image made no sense, but it didn't matter. I could feel the truth in it, in how my heart rampaged at the memory, in how my joy swelled. I knew she was telling the truth. She was my wife. My mate. This memory was the moment she became that.
No wonder I longed for her, she was my other half.
“No, she is more than that,” the imposter said, the abrupt answer to my thoughts pulling me out of my memories.
The woman’s eyes sparkled now, all sign of her temper from before, gone. “She is the other part of your soul.”
“My soul,” I repeated, a knot in my chest constricting as she once again stepped closer, my heart battling again with both need and frustration. “That is what you are. You are my soul.”
It wasn't a question, I was certain. It didn't get the reaction I had expected, however.
“No.” Any sign of a smile was gone now, her jaw was tight as she continued to glower into me, her words sinking into me as much as her stare. “I am more important than that.”
I could only stare at her, keeping the rocks of my fists against my thighs as she stepped closer, her hair and clothing blowing and flapping in the ethereal wind.
“I am not really enjoying this game you are playing,” I growled finally taking a step away from her.
“Aren't you?” I wasn’t sure if she was playing or pushing, but it didn’t matter. The way she looked at me still sparked loud and clear.
“No.” The single word was little more than a growl. “Tell me what you are.”
No matter how much I longed for whatever this imposter was, she was still just that. I didn’t want her here.
She ignored the threat and again stepped closer, every action pushing me closer to this frightening brink of anger. Nostrils flaring, I inhaled, determined to bring the woman I loved back.
“But you are enjoying the way you want me, the way you are screaming for me…”
“You are not Joclyn!” I roared, the anger that she had been prodding finally breaking free. Instead, of stepping back, however, she grinned. A laugh threatening to break free as she reached toward me again.
I jumped back as though she was made of fire, the movement slapping the laughter from her face.
“I may not be your mate. But she has the only other piece of me that exists. I am her just as I am you.” Her anger matched mine as the wind that was tangling her hair and clothes picked up, sending them waving over her in a torrent “Her soul is holding it safe. Her soul needs yours just as you need hers.”
She was firm, every word digging into me with determination. I didn't know why, and every minute that passed without me knowing, without me putting the puzzle together was only infuriating me more.
“What are you?” I asked again. My voice was harsher this time, the frustration evident.
The wind that rushed
through her calmed as her face relaxed, a gentle smile playing over her lips, her eyes shifting to a color similar to that of pure light. The look was ice water against my anger, every muscle relaxing as a calm spread through the dark. The control she seemed to have over my mood and power was disorienting, and I tried to fight it. Only to have all attempts frozen with just a few words.
“I am your magic.” Her voice flowed like the invisible wind, the gentle words blowing through the darkness and sucking everything away.
The anger froze.
My breath froze.
Everything held still, except for the invisible wind that tumbled through her hair.
“I am all that is left of your magic from when you died.” She stepped closer, but this time I couldn't step away, I could barely breathe.
When I died.
I had always known, I had focused so much on that bloodstained wall in the beginning. I knew what it was.
But I didn’t understand this woman, she spoke of my magic as if it was dying, as though I had been dead this whole time.
“Explain.” The single word whispered in a gasp.
“You died that night in the cave, and your sister sacrificed herself to rectify a wrong.” She stalled, her words hitting hard as a million sparks of memories began to make sense. “She chose to rectify a lifetime of wrongs.”
“Ovailia.” Saying her name was a pain in my heart, a physical stab that twisted against my soul, one piece of the puzzle suddenly making sense.
“You have lived without your memories long enough, but I wonder what you would choose, given the chance?”
She paused, stepping away from me for the first time. Instead of relaxing at the motion, however, I tensed, scared I was going to lose her.
“The chance…”
“If I could return your memories right now,” she interrupted, turning her back on me as a tiny spark of white light erupted in the distance of the black. “Would you take them over your magic? Would you sacrifice power for the knowledge of who you are?”
My jaw swung as though it was on a hinge, working noiselessly before I closed it with a snap. “Which will take me to Joclyn?”
Ilyan (An Imdalind Story) Page 22
