Silence

by Jaye Cox

  “Callie, you have a visitor,” she says and invites me in. I take one step inside the door and wait.

  “Oh, it’s only you. Go away, I have nothing left to say to you.” I watch as she turns and walks back through the doorway she walked from. I look back to her sister to get some non-verbal permission to follow her, she nods her head and I push through her door; maybe acting like me will ignite the fire I see in her eyes every time we’re around each other.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t know about your brother and Amelia.”

  "Don’t you dare feel sorry for me, I don’t want your damn pity!” There is that fire. “I spent five years clawing my way back to normal, it was hard and so many times I wanted to give up, but I never did. But since I met you, I’m drowning again and it’s just too much,” she says through tears as she falls to the floor and covers her face.

  “I don’t pity you at all. For the first time since we met, I’m getting to see the real you, maybe it’s not a side you wanted to show me, but I’m sorry for the way I acted.” Sitting beside her, I place my hand on her shoulder and she shrugs me away.

  “So, you should be,” she says, looking up at me.

  I place both my hands on her face and she tries to pull away, but I don’t let her.

  “Stop fighting me for a second and look into my eyes.” She humours me and looks, I can tell she’s doing what I say so she can get rid of me. “What do you see?”

  “What should I see?” she says, her voice laced with sarcasm.

  “That’s the soul of a broken man, Callie, begging you to give me another chance and help me. I acted that way because I was jealous. Me, Eddie Diamond, was jealous. I have never felt like that before and I was confused.”

  “I can’t, I’m sorry. I never expected to fall for you, but I did and I can’t watch you do this self-destructive shit any longer, you need serious help and I can’t be that person for you now that I care so much,” she says, pulling away. “Whatever this weird thing is between us, it’s toxic. We’re two fuck-ups who can barely get their shit together.”

  “I don’t accept that, we could be good. I’ll go to rehab for you and get clean, and maybe we can at least be friends and see what this is between us?”

  “It won’t work unless you want it. I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want to be dragged back to that place I was in.”

  “I’ll prove it to you, I promise, just you wait and see,” I say, leaning in and half expecting a slap across the face, but she surprises me and doesn’t move as my lips almost touch hers. “You’re worth fighting for.” Feeling her breath against my lips, I pull away, leaving her breathless. I walk away before I do something I’ll regret, like screwing her. To get her back in my life I need to prove to her how serious I am, and to do that I need to follow the damn rules.

  Walking from Callie’s house, I see Marcus standing beside his car; didn’t take him long to find me. He doesn’t say anything, but I’m sure he witnessed my not so fine moment back at the house. I left the keys to her new car in her room, she is keeping the damn car. I jump in with Marcus and ask him to take me to Fontaine Records, I need to speak with Oliver. I take out my phone and hit Mickki’s number.

  “What’s up, bro?” he says when he answers.

  “Did you know?”

  “Did I know what?” he questions and I’d expected that answer.

  “About Sasha and Callie knowing each other, that she’s Amelia’s aunt.”

  “Yes.”

  “And you didn’t think I should’ve known that?” I shout.

  “Would you have worked with her if you’d known?”

  “No, but that’s not the point, you’re my brother, the one person I should be able to trust.”

  “Then trust that when Sasha called me and I met with Callie, I could see what she could. Trust that we did this for you. I want you here by my side, doing what we love, I don’t want to do this without you. I fought for you Eddie, if you were gone so was I. That’s how we got this chance.”

  “What if I no longer love what we do? What if I love her and this life could destroy her?”

  “Then we walk away. We had a good run, but you’re my blood and we’re in this together.”

  “I can’t let you give up your dreams for me, you’re the face and heart of Black Diamond, the guys need you. It’s come to my attention, my brother, that I’m replaceable and I think I’m okay with that.”

  “Don’t do anything rash yet. Sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow. I’ll support you whatever you decide.”

  “I love you. You know that, right?”

  “I love you, too.”

  **

  We pull up at Fontaine Records and I go find Oliver. He and Alex are in his office, maybe they have a thing, maybe her being at the poker game was some sort of test so she could report back to Oliver that I’m a fuck up, but I don’t care.

  “Sorry, he just stormed in,” says his feisty little assistant or whatever she is. She’s adorable and I normally would have spent time trying to get her into my bed, but not today.

  “It’s okay Rach, Eddie doesn’t follow the rules. Hold all my calls until we’re done here,” Oliver says to the little red head before she leaves the room.

  “What can I do you for today?” he asks, directing his attention to me.

  “I want to quit, get me out of my contract.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t do that,” he says.

  “Why the fuck not? I want out and I can always just drug and booze my way out, because I know Daddy won’t be happy if that happens.” He looks pissed, and so he should, I didn’t want to pull the ‘Daddy’ card, but I’ll do whatever works. Alex just sits and watches us like a fly on the wall.

  “What caused this change of heart?” he asks.

  “A certain busty woman with an ass to die for, I presume?” Alex says.

  “Callie has nothing to do with this, so leave her out of it,” I spit out.

  “Two can play your game Eddie, I can always drag Callie through a media frenzy.”

  “Asshole,” I mumble.

  “I’m a businessman Eddie and I know if you go so does Mickki, he made that clear. Now, maybe we can come to an agreement. If you don’t fuck up at this charity event Alex has set up, I’ll think about a way to get you out of your contract.”

  “Deal,” I say before I turn and leave. I never imagined someone like Callie would ever deserve someone like me, but I want to try. I want to be the type of man she does deserve, and when I am I’ll come back and win her over. I can honestly say I’ve never wanted anything as badly as I want her.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Callie

  It’s been peaceful not living with Eddie or having to deal with him, it’s also been lonely and I feel lost. I’ve picked up my phone so many times to call him, but since he hasn’t called me maybe he’s doing alright. After Eddie came to see me I had a phone call from Sasha. Apparently, he not only wanted to go to rehab for me, he’s also willing to give up his career for me; I can’t let him do that. I told Sasha to reassure Mickki that they wouldn’t get any trouble from me, I’m ready to move on. I’ve come to the conclusion that any feelings I had for Eddie were purely a form of the old me trying to resurface and latch on to him and subconsciously pull me back into my old life. Unless you’ve had an addiction, you wouldn’t understand; I don’t wake up every day and just not use, I wake up every day and fight my demons and the urge deep within me. It will always be a part of who I am, I just won’t ever let addiction define me again.

  Opening my laptop, I have a new notification from ACE TV. As much as I wanted to be away from him, I can’t help but check up on him. Today’s article -

  EDDIE DIAMOND MISSING FROM LAST NIGHT’S AFTER-PARTY

  I don’t know what I was expecting to see, maybe something about him being out of control or on a drug binge, but not that he was missing from the after party. I slam the laptop closed. Why do I care so much? He isn’t my problem anymore, being arou
nd him takes me back to a place I don’t want to be. Or maybe being around him brings up issues I have yet to deal with and he’s good for me. Am I right? Does being around him make me want to confront my past head on? Have I really just buried it all, instead of working through the guilt. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m sitting on the side of the bed calling him.

  “Callie?” he says, answering the call. I sit in silence, I don’t know what to say or why I even called. “Hello? Are you there?” I quickly end the call. Within seconds he’s calling me back.

  “Hello?” I say shyly, feeling stupid for hanging up on him.

  “Is everything okay?” he asks.

  “Yeah, I don’t know why I called. Being alone and thinking is never a good mix for an addict.”

  “I’ve been wanting to call and hear your voice, I miss you.”

  Before I get a chance to answer, I hear a girl whispering something I can’t quite make out and Eddie laughs; not his usual laugh, something more sexual.

  “Oh God, I’m interrupting something,” I say.

  “It’s...” I hang up the call and throw my phone against the wall, the screen shatters on impact. Why was I so stupid to think he was sincere in everything he said. I feel like a hormonal teenage girl; I feel so irrational and confused. I’m a thirty-four-year-old woman who should be able to control her damn temper. Jules comes running through the door, and looks at me and the hole I just put in her wall.

  “Are you okay?” she asks, genuinely concerned.

  “I’m fine. Sorry about the wall, I’ll get someone to fix it.”

  “I don’t care about the wall, what’s going on with you?” she asks, taking a seat next to me on the bed.

  “Eddie,” I say, knowing that his name will explain everything.

  “Have you told him how you feel about him?”

  “How I feel about him?”

  “Don’t act stupid, I know you, and you’ve been moping around the house ever since you moved back in.”

  “I have not. Don’t you have some pregnancy yoga to do?”

  “Oh, hush now, you. Just admit you wanna see him naked, hell even I’d want to see him naked,” she laughs.

  “Who would’ve thought? My sister’s a hussy.”

  All of a sudden, there’s a knock at the front door. I look at Jules and the colour drains from her face in front of my eyes. I tell her to stay put and I’ll get it. The last knock like that she’d answered, was the day our brother was killed and me hurt. My heart is racing as I turn the handle. It’s Jaynie, Beau’s best friend, she’s crying and holding a piece of paper. My mind flashes back to the day I wrote my goodbyes.

  September 25th 2009

  My dearest Beau,

  I’m writing you this letter to tell you how much I love you and wish I was a better mum to you. I can’t erase all the mistakes I've made and one day I hope you can understand why I couldn’t stay here on this earth.

  I love you with all of my heart, and I know I’ll miss out on so many things in your life, but know I’m watching down on you forever. One day we’ll meet again.

  “Fucking excuses.”

  I throw the letter on the pile of letters I have already burned. How is making the decision to end it all so easy, but saying goodbye so hard? NO more excuses. I pick up the pen and a new piece of paper.

  My dearest Beau,

  I love you, never forget that.

  xxoo Mum

  I seal it in the envelope, and sit it on the bench before sliding into the bath. Closing my eyes as I take another swig from the bottle of vodka. I see the flashes of Simon, my ex, holding a gun pointed at me. I wasn’t scared because I knew it was coming with how much money I owed him for drugs, and who’d miss me anyway? I’m just a burden that disappears. I never expected Billy to visit me that day and everything happened so fast. When the first shot was fired, I looked at my brother and I saw everything as if it was in slow motion; him jumping towards me and pushing me out of the way. He fell to the ground and there was so much blood, then everything went silent. As Simon dropped the gun, I heard it go off again as he ran from the room. I didn’t feel anything or even hear my own screams, I can’t even recall who called for an ambulance. I managed to hold my brother as he took his last breath. He died to save me. “Everyone would be better off if I’m dead, it should have been me,” I say, crying to myself as I pick up the razor blade.

  “CALLIE” Jaynie screams, shaking me.

  “What, what happened?” I say, snapping out of the daze I was in.

  “It’s Beau, he sent me this letter and I can’t find him,” she says frantically and hands me the note. I scan the note and my heart sinks, it’s his goodbye letter.

  “What’s all this mean?” I ask, I knew he was down and had thought he could die, but this reads as if he’s going to end it himself.

  “I thought he was just being Beau, he’s always a little crazy, but when he said we should do all the little things we always talked about, I didn’t think anything of it.”

  I grab my keys as she keeps explaining. Jules is leaning against the door frame of my room, silent, with tears streaming down her face. I need to find my son before he makes the same mistake I did.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Eddie

  “FUCK!” I yell. Just great, Callie still isn’t answering my calls. I need to explain what happened to her. I need to find her before it’s too late.

  16 Hours ago

  “How ya feelin’ bro?” Mickki says, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me into his side as we hear the crowd chanting his name.

  “Like shit,” I reply, there’s no point lying to him.

  “Are the meds not working?”

  “Yeah, they’re fine, I just feel off. I miss her yelling at me, I miss annoying her just enough that she smiles at me. I honestly don’t care about the drugs, women, or booze anymore.”

  “I’m proud of you, maybe after this it’s time to go get the girl.”

  “If only it were that easy. Callie isn’t just any girl.”

  “Let’s do this. If you’re serious and this is going to be your last show, let’s make it one hell of a show,” He says before walking out onto the stage and the crowd goes nuts.

  “How’s everyone today?” Mickki says, greeting the fans. “You all know my knucklehead brother, Eddie, right?” The crowd starts going crazy and that’s my cue, I run out on stage, taking off my shirt and throwing it to some crazy Black Diamond fan. Taking my spot, I give them a little solo show. As each of us are introduced and do our thing, I look out into the crowd, looking for that smile, but she isn’t here. I asked Alex to send a plane ticket for her and her son, and some backstage passes; my heart sinks a little. I thought that maybe she’d come to see my last show. I can play this set in my sleep, I play the songs but my heart isn’t in it, my mind is somewhere else. I don’t know what I’m feeling, possibly a combination of hurt and disappointment; two things that I’m used to feeling, but why does it feel different this time?

  I bet I scared her off. What was I thinking? She wanted me to do this for myself, of course she didn’t come, a few days doesn’t change anything. I won’t give up on there being an ‘us.’ Fuckin’ hell, Eddie, when the hell did you become an ‘us’ man?

  As the end of the set approaches, I scan the audience once again, and still nothing. Plenty of women with sex in their eyes are staring me down, I know I have a reputation and the women know it too. So many are ready to throw themselves at me, but tonight I don’t notice any of them, the only thing I notice is the one person who’s missing from the sea of faces staring back at me. For the first time in my whole life, I want to go home. After two bloody encores, we finish for the night. Mickki has a group of girls ready for the after-party, but I tell him I have to go back to the hotel first and make a few calls. He smiles at me and ushers the girls into his limo, Damien and a few other security guys get me into a SUV. Damien hands me my phone, I immediately check to see if I have any missed calls or me
ssages. There’s a handful of missed calls, but not one from her. With double the number of messages to scroll through, most are from women I don’t remember giving my number to, after flicking through and not seeing her name, I shove the phone in my pocket.

  It’s been years since I sat down to actually watch TV and now I remember why, there’s absolutely nothing interesting to watch. Eyeing off the fridge, which I know is stocked with alcohol, I think one won’t hurt. One will hurt, Eddie. Think about Callie and that smile, you want her to smile for you.

  Fuck, I’m pussy-whipped and I don’t even have the pussy. Just thinking about her in a sexual way makes me hard, maybe a cold shower will shock me back to feeling more like myself. I check my phone and there’s still nothing. I want to call her, but will she think I’m being pushy. Get a grip, Eddie, you sound like a whiney little bitch.

  The cold shower idea works a treat, my dick and balls almost retract inside my body as soon as the water hits my skin. The boner gone, I switch the cold shower to a nice hot one. Leaning back, I let the water fall over my head. Closing my eyes, I can instantly see her in my mind, naked on her knees in front of me, and I look down into those big blue eyes as she licks her lips before taking me in her mouth.

  I stroke myself as I imagine her lips wrapped around me.

  “Well, it looks like I’m interrupting something.”

  My grip loosens and my eyes open to see Alex standing there in nothing more than a tiny piece of fabric covering her crotch. I knew she’d come for some of the monster, they all do. People may think I’m full of myself, but in actual fact they come to me, they beg for it. She takes my lack of reaction as an invitation to get in the shower. With a snap, the fabric drops to the base of the shower. As I run my hand over her curveless body, my mind wanders to a woman with curves. She drops to her knees and licks her lips as the water falls on her face.