by Joe Thomas
I bent down on one knee while he stared at me. With enough charisma to charm a snake I muttered, "Is everything alright here?"
"Who the hell are you?"
This dude was a real sweetheart. His mother must have been proud. "I'm a flight attendant at this airline. I’m doing a checkride on your flight attendant." I stated again, "Is everything alright here?" The stench of whiskey escaped his lips and caught me by surprise. Homeboy could have benefited from some Listerine UltraClean. I’d have failed a breathalyzer test from being that close to him.
"I don't care who you are,” he pointed at Doug who was now standing behind me, “I'm talking to this guy.”
Continuing to smile on bended knee, "I understand that, but now you are talking to me. You’re raising your voice and alarming other passengers."
He looked around to see a few passengers sitting up to see what all the commotion was about. That soothed his mood for a brief second, "Listen, I just want a drink. There's no problem."
You know that instant when you can physically sense an oncoming confrontation? It happens to me often. It’s a rising heat that begins at the base of your neck and progresses until it encompasses your ears. Your heart rate elevates just enough for you to realize that you are not on a treadmill at the gym but interacting with some dickhead who’s got you all flustered. I guess I have way too many confrontations.
"Well, sir,” I braced for his aggressive impact, “we won't be serving you any alcohol on this flight.” Deep breath, “But we’ll gladly get you some water." He started to grimace, which added more lines to his face. "You have the entire row to yourself. You should try and get some rest."
"I don't need any goddamn rest. I need a drink." My words fanned his flame. He looked around to catch the eye of a male passenger a few rows over, "Can you believe this bullshit? Telling me I can't have a drink." The other passenger quickly stuck his head back down behind his seat avoiding any showdown.
I touched Doug's arm and nodded for him to follow me to the back of the airplane. Erwin, one of the other flight attendants, was already on the interphone with the captain. The moment I stepped into the galley Erwin handed me the interphone.
Captain Reed asked, "What's going on?"
I briefed him on the passenger situation. I added that Doug and I were encouraging the guy to chill the fuck out and take a nap but it was going nowhere and that he was escalating the situation by raising his voice and attempting to get other passengers involved. Captain Reed suggested we move the passenger to another section of the airplane, where there were fewer passengers, and to follow up with him when we were done.
I hung up the interphone and looked up the aisle into the dark airplane, “He wants us to move the guy and see how that goes.”
Erwin frowned, “That’s not gonna help.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “I know. Let’s just move him to the back and see if he’ll quiet down.”
Doug and Erwin followed me to the seat leaving Stacy, the third flight attendant, in the back galley. Doug stood above me like a mountain lion preparing to pounce on a jogger while I knelt back down beside row 15. Now that I look back, I realize I was too close to this passenger. I put myself in grave danger by removing any safety barrier between me and that crazy fuck. He could have easily spit on me, or worse, done some major damage to my beautiful baby face. But I wasn’t thinking about myself at the time. Completely stupid move. It’s not like the airline rewards you for getting a few teeth knocked out. The Selfless Flight Attendant Award should be handed out to all flight attendants who put themselves in harm’s way for the betterment of the entire flight. Actually, that sounds more like the Dumb Ass Flight Attendant Award. Being an award whore, I’ll take any award that has my name on it. Or even one that’s left blank and comes with a sharpie. I’m not picky. Awards aside, I simply wanted this guy to shut the fuck up and go to sleep. If I had an industrial-sized Xanax I’d have forced it down his scratchy throat. I tried making eye contact with him but he was locked on Doug. That wasn’t going to affect Doug at all. Doug was super gay and threw so much shade it took a hell of a lot more than a few dirty looks from a homeless looking guy to take him down.
"Sir, what is your name?" I asked while my two flight attendant bodyguards surrounded me.
He broke his gaze and looked at me, "Why do you want my name?"
"So that I know what to call you when we are talking to each other."
He muttered, "Melvin."
"Alright. Melvin, please grab your belongings and come with us," I got to my feet and looked at Edwin who stood in his practiced Mr. T stance ready for action.
"I'm comfortable right here. Where's my drink?"
This wasn’t going to be easy.
"Melvin, why don't you come back here where it's more comfortable and then we will discuss your drink."
Surprisingly, he stood up and shuffled behind me and Doug. Edwin took up the rear making sure Melvin didn’t sprint to the front of the airplane. Or try anything else stupid. Melvin dragged his feet slowly to irritate us, and as I pointed to the aisle seat in row 24, he flopped into the seat and threw his bag against the airplane window.
"There. Are you happy?"
I didn't bend down on one knee. That reminded me too much of a marriage proposal and I didn't want to think of marrying this trash bag. It was time to discuss the rules of air travel and alcohol with Melvin. I expected it to end badly.
Drinking alcohol before or during a flight can be tricky for some passengers. The air inside the airplane is dry. Add to that the diuretic effects of alcohol and you’ve got a passenger who becomes dehydrated, which increases their intoxication. Being dehydrated on the airplane is a serious matter. Most passengers drink when they fly so it occurs all too often. I am not saying you shouldn’t enjoy an alcoholic beverage on your flight, just be responsible so I don’t have to stop everything I am doing to help your drunk ass out. Eating dinner and drinking water will help the situation. Having alcoholic drinks on a flight is a luxury we have all indulged in one time or another. I love drinking bloody mary’s while I’m flying. Not while I am working the flight, but traveling for leisure. I can practically hear some of you dialing the number to every airline ready to report me while flipping over to the next page. Traitors. And to think I was going to buy each and every last one of you a free cocktail the next time you were on one of my flights. Just for buying my book. I was keeping that a secret but you fucked that chance up.
Now that I think about it, an early morning bloody mary might make for a better day of dealing with neurotic people. What do you think? Someone write to the FAA and request that for me.
Because your flight attendants are responsible for the safety and wellbeing of every passenger on the flight, we have the right to stop serving alcohol anytime we feel a passenger has had enough to drink. The last thing I want is someone getting intoxicated on my flight, driving away from the airport, and killing a family of five on their way to Universal Studios. We keep track of exactly how much alcohol every passenger has on the airplane. We communicate a lot in the galley and behind the scenes regarding passengers who are drinking alcohol on the flight. And you thought we were just back there reading magazines and ignoring your call lights. Well we do that too, but we also watch you bitches like hawks. Not only are we responsible for the alcohol we sell on the airplane,we are also responsible for the alcohol the passengers bring onto the airplane. I know, it's babysitting in the air. Flight attendants should receive honorary degrees in Early Childhood Education for dealing with you people. At some airlines (check with your airline before you fly), the rule is that if you bring your own minis, small bottles of wine, or cans of beer in your carry-on bag you are allowed to drink them, but you must inform the flight attendant what you have, and for legal reasons they have to dispense it to you.
That didn't matter for Melvin because he was cut off from any alcohol no matter if he brought it or not. He’d be refused an alcohol swab for fear he’d suck it dry.
> Stacy handed me a pair of plastic headphones and I stretched my arm out to Melvin, "Here’s a pair of free headphones so you can watch tv." I held them out for him to grab. Getting him to settle down and watch television seemed like the easiest solution. He played around with his seatbelt and clicked it into place.
"I'd rather have my drink. Where's my drink?"
"Melvin. We won't be able to serve you anymore alcohol tonight," my palms started sweating, “so please take the headphones and get some rest."
"This is fucking bullshit. I wanna speak to the captain about this.” He raised his voice again, "Where's the captain?"
"He’s flying the airplane. Melvin, I need you to keep your voice down and get some rest. That's your only option right now." I pointed for Doug to follow me to the back galley while Edwin stood guard over Melvin.
Doug called the flight deck to brief the pilots on Melvin. I stood in the aisle between the two lavatories while Doug spoke to Captain Reed. I overheard Melvin yelling at Edwin. Edwin didn't flinch. He stood there with his arms folded looking at Melvin with a look of discontent. Why wouldn't this guy just shut up and go to sleep? Fucking with Edwin was not the smartest move. If Melvin was pleased with himself by bullying Gay Doug and Gay Joe, he had met his match with Straight Edwin.
Doug hung up the interphone and looked at me perplexed. He whispered to me and Stacy that Captain Reed wanted us to calm the passenger down and if that didn’t work he’d make the decision to divert the flight.
Calm the passenger down? What the fuck did he think we were doing? Prepping him for a midnight parade down the aisle? I silently wished not to divert. Extending our night longer than planned made going to bed seem unreachable. And think about all that fucking paperwork. You might not know this, but the main reason flight attendants encourage their passengers to behave is so we don't have to fill out paperwork. The airline demands we fill out reports for everything. If the flight diverts. If an engine falls off. If the captain drops a stink bomb in the toilet of the front lavatory and the airplane goes out of service. It’s not simple paperwork either. It makes getting approved for a home loan feel like sending a tweet.
The four of us needed to settle Melvin down. That was the prime objective. With each minute that passed his voice became more boisterous. He wasn't talking to anyone in particular just yelling out for anyone who listened. Edwin, Doug, and I focused on him while Stacy took care of any call lights or passenger requests.
From the back galley I heard him barking at Edwin, "Hey. Hey. I need to speak to him. Get me the captain!"
Edwin continued standing there with his arms folded, "Dude. Settle down. You’re acting crazy for no reason. Just chill."
"Don't tell me to chill. I want the captain. You can't treat me like this."
I stepped back into the aisle and walked the few steps up to row 24 and sat on the armrest across from his seat. I pleaded, "Melvin. I’m begging you. Please just lay down and get some sleep. If you continue this behavior we are going to divert the flight."
"Are you threatening me? You can't threaten me. I have rights.”
It was a surprise he never attempted to get up and charge at us. I guess that was something to be happy about but this was still annoying as hell. My temper was seeping out of my pores, "It's not a threat; it's a fact. If you don't keep your voice down we’re gonna divert this flight and have the authorities meet the airplane."
He was relentless, "Then divert the plane. I really don't care. I want to talk to the captain and tell him how you are treating me."
Edwin followed me as I made my way to the back galley. I was beyond furious. Melvin being noncompliant was hitting every last one of my nerves. A few passengers in the middle of the airplane started ringing their call bells out of curiosity. Stacy passed us in the aisle to answer call bells and comfort passengers. The flight being half empty helped but his voice began echoing throughout the airplane.
Edwin stepped into the galley, "I'm going to punch this fucker in the face."
I couldn't agree more but we weren't going to do that. "Just stay back here and let me and Doug deal with this guy. Call the captain and let him know what's going on."
After downing a bottle of water and composing myself I stepped back into the aisle to approach Melvin. He was twisting in his seat and feverishly waving his hands trying to catch the attention of anyone that looked his way. Stacy refused to walk past his row so she waited until Doug and I were blocking him before she slide by and back into the galley.
"Melvin,” I sighed deeply, “I need you to keep your voice down. We can't have you acting like this tonight. Do you understand?"
When he responded, small splatters of saliva flew out between the space between his two front teeth, "Why are you treating me like this? I didn't do anything. I just want a drink. You can't treat me like this."
"We just want you to settle down and get some rest." Doug calmly stated.
Melvin turned to Doug, "This is all your fault. I want to speak to the captain. Bring me to the captain."
"That's not going to happen.” I stepped in, “We’re giving you one last chance to settle down or we are going to divert this flight."
After a slight pause it seemed our words had finally broken through his ornery disposition. Nope. Not even close. He sarcastically asked, "What if I said I was gonna take down this airplane?"
That set off the emergency brake in my head. I looked at the floor to process what he had said. And to take a few deep breaths to calm myself down before I physically attacked him. He sat there waiting for my reaction. It was hard not to give him one. I turned to my left to catch Doug's expression but he was already walking towards the back galley. He stopped and began talking to Edwin who was back on the interphone with the captain.
If Melvin wanted an emotional response to his threat he’d be waiting a while. Without saying a word, I swiftly proceeded to the back galley with the rest of the crew. Edwin handed me the interphone as I approached and then he walked back into the aisle to keep an eye on Melvin.
I briefed the captain on the tactics we used to settle down the passenger and that our attempts were unsuccessful. I ended it by saying he threatened to take down the airplane.
"That's all I need to hear. This is a level two disturbance and we will be diverting. Let me speak to one of the working flight attendants." I handed the interphone to Doug and took a step back to settle my nerves. My fight response kicked in and I’ll be honest, I wanted to beat the shit out of Melvin. I wanted to stand on his neck until he wasn't yelling anymore.
Edwin walked to the back galley with a sheet of paper and snapped me out of my daydream, "He just threw this on the floor. It's a note to the captain."
Doug took the handwritten note and read verbatim to the captain:
Dear Captain,
I am a good person. I didn't do anything wrong. Your flight attendants have verbally abused me and threatened me. All I want is a drink and they won't give me one. I am a professional and I refuse to be treated like this. I have never been treated like this in my entire life. I will have all of your jobs.
Melvin Shadwick
Doug hung up the interphone without saying another word, "Oh. he’s pissed."
I snapped a picture of the note with my cell phone. I figured it might come in handy one day. Within seconds of handing the note back to Doug, Captain Reed came over the PA in an aggressive but informative voice, "Ladies and Gentlemen. It seems that there is a passenger on our flight this evening who refuses to cooperate with our flight attendants. This has led us to make the decision to divert to Denver to allow the authorities to handle this situation. We apologize for any inconvenience this has caused but safety is our number one priority here. Thank you. Flight attendants please prepare for landing."
We heard the landing gear drop and looked at each with astonishment. The airplane descended fast which meant we were minutes from landing in Denver. Edwin started cleaning up the back galley while Stacy made her way to the front of
the airplane to close up her galley. Doug walked up a few rows and asked a muscular gentlemen traveling alone to sit in the row across from Melvin to keep an eye on him. I stopped to make sure Melvin’s seatbelt was fastened.
He looked confused. His aggression and anger subsided. Now he looked like he was about to be grounded, "Listen man, I won't say anything else for the rest of the flight."
"Too late, Mel. We’re landing," I stepped out of the way to allow our muscular passenger access to his seat across from Melvin. The big beefy guy looked happy to assist. We reminded him to simply watch that Melvin didn't get up once we landed, not to crush his ribcage just for the fun of it. Although I figured that might be enjoyable for everyone, everyone except Melvin.
Once we landed and blocked in at the gate everything happened in a flash. The bright airplane lights illuminated, the door opened, the FBI boarded, and swept down the aisle rushing up to Melvin like he had explosives attached to his chest. Nobody moved a muscle. The tension so intense I was afraid to fart. The passengers sat like statues until the FBI agents passed their row and then they spun around to catch a glimpse of the live action unfolding. Nothing was audible from my seat but actions speak louder than words. Stretching my neck to watch, I witnessed four FBI agents physically remove Melvin from his seat and march him down the aisle and off the airplane in less than two minutes.
I guess we really were preparing him for a parade down the aisle.
After Melvin deplaned a few more FBI agents came onboard to debrief with the crew on what exactly occurred between Seattle and Denver. The entire event took less than an hour and when Stacy finally closed the airplane door in Denver-sans Melvin-the passengers erupted in applause. No one complained or expressed frustration for the diversion. The passengers who didn't immediately fall back to sleep commended the flight attendants on a job well done.
After we reached cruising altitude, I finished Doug's evaluation and invited him to sit down next to me and review what I had written.
