by Andrew Grey
After a few minutes, Isaac got up from the floor and sat next to him on the sofa, leaning against him as he watched the show. “Why did Mama have to go away?” Isaac asked.
“I don’t know,” Jos said and thought about what he could say to try to help. “There are a lot of things I don’t know the answer to, and that’s one of them. Sometimes people die and go to live with the angels. Someday, a long time from now, you’ll go live with the angels too, and then you’ll see Mama again.”
“Will she know me when I’m big?” Isaac asked, his eyes filled with disbelief.
“Your mama will always know you.” Jos felt tears welling and hugged Isaac to try to cover them. The last thing his brother needed was for him to go to pieces. He was so close at the moment, every emotion built up over weeks right at the surface, and Jos knew if he let them come, there was no way he could stop them again. “Mamas always know their children, especially angel mamas. And I think that sometimes, late at night, if you’re really quiet, they come down and watch over you when you’re sleeping to keep the monsters away.”
“So it’s good to have an angel mama,” Isaac said.
“It’s good to have a mama who loved you and cared for you, angel or not. And you’ll always have me to care for you too.”
“Like an angel brother,” Isaac said, and Jos nodded, thankful when Isaac turned back to the television so he didn’t see the tears as they ran down his cheeks.
WHEN KIP came through the door a few hours later, neither of them had moved much. Isaac bounded off the sofa and ran right up to Kip, laughing as Kip lifted him into his arms.
“How are you feeling?” Kip asked Jos as he carried Isaac into the room. Kip set Isaac down almost immediately. “Where’s Pistachio?” Isaac looked around. “Why don’t you go find him so he isn’t lonely?”
Isaac nodded and hurried away while Kip sat next to Jos on the sofa, gently wiping Jos’s cheeks with his fingers.
Jos sniffed and took a deep breath. “I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?” Kip stood and pulled the blanket from the back of the sofa, spreading it over Jos’s legs before sitting back down on the edge of the cushion.
“Yeah.” He sat quietly and then leaned against Kip to share his warmth. God, he smelled good. Jos inhaled again just to take in another dose of his musk. “I talked to Donald, and I have an interview tomorrow. He said he’d help me so I have some clothes to wear.” Jos shook his head. “I still can’t figure out why everyone is being so kind.”
“Sometimes people are nice,” Kip said. “Not always, but there are times in our lives when we have to accept that not everyone is a pile of crap.”
Jos stiffened. “Sounds like you know firsthand.”
Kip nodded. “I didn’t have stellar parents either, and I spent a lot of my time on the streets with my friends. See, my mom and dad loved something more than my sister and me.”
“You have a sister?”
“Had,” Kip corrected. Isaac bounded back into the room with Pistachio under his arm and flopped down onto the floor to watch more cartoons. “I had a sister,” Kip clarified and then grew quiet.
“What happened to her?”
“She died,” Kip said.
“Okay,” Jos said, growing more and more curious by the second. “What happened?” He figured that since Kip had brought it up, it would be okay to ask, but as soon as he did, he regretted it. The look of sheer pain that filled Kip’s eyes left him cold, and Jos pulled the blanket more tightly around him.
“Like I said, Mom and Dad loved something more than they loved us: alcohol. They were both really big drinkers, so Adrienne and I didn’t have very much. Mom and Dad went out to bars a lot. I was six years older than Adrienne, and one Saturday when she was eight, Mom took us to the beach. She seemed sober and was in a really good mood. So we packed a picnic and went off for the day. Of course Mom included a flask in the things she packed, and while we were swimming, she was filling her lemonade glass with something more than summer fun.”
“How did you get home?” Jos asked.
Kip shook his head. “It was always my job to look out for Adrienne. I knew what my mom was like, but I let my guard down that day. We were at the state park at a lake, and they had one of those floating rafts that the kids love to play on. Everyone was having a great time, and Adrienne wanted to show me how she could swim. Somehow Mom had paid for swimming lessons for her.”
Jos held Kip’s arm a little tighter. “Oh my God.” He could see where this story was going, and it was already scaring him. He glanced at Isaac, who was engrossed in what he was watching and didn’t seem to be paying them any attention.
Kip shook his head. “She and I swam out together, and she did really well. She climbed out of the water and jumped up on the floating dock with her hands in the air like Rocky.” Kip smiled and then it faded. “I was still in the water when some of the bigger boys started getting rough. They were pushing kids off, and I saw Adrienne get pushed off. I jumped up on the raft and muscled the kid off the side, sending him flying into the water. I was so mad. I remember yelling at the kid to leave my sister alone, and when I went to the side to find her, I couldn’t.”
“What?”
“I dove in and tried to find her, but the water was cloudy and I couldn’t see much. Others dove in and so did the lifeguards, and they got her pretty quickly and brought her to shore. My mother was hysterical when she saw Adrienne on the sand. She wasn’t moving, and they did mouth-to-mouth, but she never came around.”
“It was an accident,” Jos said.
“I know that. The kid hadn’t meant to hurt her—he was playing. But my mother never saw it that way.”
“She blamed him?”
Kip shook his head. “She blamed me. I should have been watching out for her and taking care of her. My mother was too drunk to do it, so it was my job, and Mom never let me forget it.”
“She blamed you… when she was drunk?”
“It was easier than blaming herself. I was fourteen, and my childhood effectively ended that day. Adrienne was gone, and for the most part so was my mother. She drank even more trying to forget, and my dad could barely talk to me for a long time. At one point he told me that it wasn’t my fault. Dad eventually got sober. He blamed my mother for what happened. Home was not a very happy place after that.”
“What happened?”
“My mom went downhill from there. My dad tried to help her, but I think after that, she was beyond help. Eventually she just drank herself to death.”
“At least your dad didn’t blame you.”
“No. But by then I blamed myself. Dad said I should let it go, but I couldn’t. Adrienne’s death haunted me. There had to be something pretty badly wrong with me.”
“My God. Jesus. My mother was no real prize….” Jos sighed. “Believe it or not, I can see my mother reacting the same way.” Jos had stayed at home longer than he’d wanted—even though he’d needed to get out of that house pretty badly—for Isaac’s sake.
“It took me a lot of soul searching before I could let myself believe that I wasn’t to blame for Adrienne. Not that I really believed it. I never realized how powerful guilt was until I tried to deal with it.”
“How did you?” Jos asked. He wasn’t sure he could handle it if anything happened to Isaac.
“I had this friend. I used to mow her grass and take care of her yard. After Mom died and I got older, she took me in. Joanie was more like a grandmother than a friend, and she had this mother-in-law’s house in the back of her property. She said I needed some time away from my family to think about what happened. She also said it was time I was on my own. Her son, Parker, was a police officer. He came around a lot, and he used to talk to me about what it was like.”
“What about your dad? Did you work things out with him?”
“Yeah. As I let go of some of the guilt and really started to heal, I learned just how much my dad was hurting too. He’d lost Mom and his daughter. We were each
other’s only real family by that point, and we got to know each other as adults. Of course he died a few years ago, and I ended up moving back into the house I grew up in. Joanie died last year, and I saw Parker when he came back for the funeral. He and his partner live in Frederick, Maryland, and they have two children through a surrogate.”
“So you don’t feel guilty now?” Jos asked, wondering about this widely circular story.
“I think I always will. I keep wondering if I’d have paid more attention to Adrienne, if things might have been different. But I’ve learned to live with it. I don’t feel guilty about it as much as I regret what happened. Joanie told me once that Adrienne would be really angry with me if I hung on to what happened for the rest of my life.”
“What was she like?”
“What was who like?” Isaac asked. He got up off the floor, climbing on the sofa to sit next to him. Jos put an arm around Isaac’s shoulders.
“Kip was telling me about his little sister. She died when she was young.”
Isaac blinked and looked up at both of them. “So she’s with the angels, like Mama.”
“Yes,” Kip agreed. “Adrienne is definitely with the angels.” Kip stood up and turned away. Jos saw him wiping his eyes. He and Isaac hadn’t had the best mother in the world, but she hadn’t turned her back on them. Not that it mattered now. His focus had to be on raising Isaac and trying to make sure he was happy.
“Who’s ready for dinner?” Kip asked.
Isaac jumped to his feet. “Me!”
“How about you?” Kip asked Jos as he scooped Isaac into his arms.
“I’m a little hungry. I ate what you left a few hours ago.” Jos followed them out of the room, his heart feeling a little lighter. He really wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was the fact that in some ways he had been lucky, or at least things hadn’t been as bad as they could have been.
KIP MADE pasta for dinner, which Isaac seemed to wear more of than he ate. After they were done, Kip sent them upstairs so Jos could give Isaac a bath and then put his brother to bed. Jos wasn’t particularly tired when he was done, so he helped Kip down in the kitchen and then joined him in the living room.
The two of them sat together on the sofa and watched television. Jos had slept all day, so as the evening went on, his body and mind came awake. The sickly sleepiness and haze that he’d been in for the last day vanished, and Jos was hyperaware of Kip. He’d been carrying the blanket around with him, but he folded it up and leaned against Kip, letting his warmth surround him. He wasn’t sure if Kip would be welcoming or not, but he went with the memory of his kiss the night before. Kip put his arm around his shoulders, and Jos sighed and closed his eyes.
“How long has it been since you were cared for? Really cared for?” Kip asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe before Mom got pregnant with Isaac. I’m not sure.”
“What about your boyfriend?” Kip asked.
“That didn’t last long, with Mama’s anger. Back in high school I had a girlfriend. Well, she was more a special friend than a real girlfriend. She knew I was gay, and we were close friends, so she helped me keep up appearances so no one would bully me and stuff. When we graduated, she went to Cal Tech on a scholarship. I lost track of her when she went on to her new life. Since then I’ve just been trying to survive.” It felt like his life had been one long struggle, and right now, at this moment, he could breathe, because of Kip.
“I can understand that. But surviving isn’t living,” Kip told him. “And you need to let yourself live.”
Jos chuckled. “I have no idea what that means. Survival sometimes took all the energy I had. Maybe that’s why I got sick. I didn’t have anything left.”
Kip lightly touched his chin, and Jos lifted his gaze until it met Kip’s. “You don’t have to do everything alone. Not anymore. You have friends who can help you.”
Jos wanted to believe that more than anything. He was so tired of worrying about their next meal or if Isaac was going to be safe or if they were going to be put out in the cold. Jos nodded, and Kip leaned a little closer. Jos’s eyes slid closed and he waited.
When Kip’s lips touched his, it was like a shock went through him. He had been contemplating getting the blanket because he’d been feeling a little cold, but within seconds he was warm. A moan reached his ears, and Jos realized it came from him. He sounded so needy to his own ears, but Kip must have liked it, because he held him tighter, deepening the kiss. Jos wound his arms around Kip’s solid midsection.
“You taste good,” Kip murmured.
“Must be the chocolate cake you made,” Jos said, opening his eyes.
“No. I think it’s you,” Kip whispered. “But I’ll need to run a test to know for sure.” He smiled and leaned closer.
“Test away,” Jos agreed, and Kip kissed him once more, shifting until he pressed Jos back on the cushions. Kip’s weight combined with the intense kisses and then his hands under Jos’s T-shirt roaming over his chest had him shaking harder than he had at the height of his fever.
“Damn,” Kip gasped when he broke the kiss, burning his gaze into Jos’s. “You’re something else. You have goose bumps wherever I touch you.”
“Well…,” Jos began. “I’ve fantasized about being touched like that.”
“No one has ever touched you like this before?”
Jos shook his head. “Sex has always been… rushed.”
Kip backed away and climbed off the sofa. Jos was surprised and blinked, wondering what he’d done wrong. Kip helped him up and took him by the hand, leading him out of the room. “We aren’t going to do this here.” Kip turned off the television and the lights as they went, closing up the house as he led him up the stairs.
Kip stepped into the room and peeked at Isaac, who was sound asleep with Weeble and Pistachio next to him. He closed the door most of the way and then led Jos to his bedroom. He stopped at the door, turned toward him, and drew Jos into his arms. It felt so good to be held and to let someone else take the lead.
When Kip lifted him off his feet, Jos wound his legs around his waist, and Kip’s groan rumbled deep. Jos joined him, returning the kiss as Kip supported his ass with his big, strong hands. He walked him to the bed and stood there, kissing him so deeply Jos felt it in his heart. “I haven’t been able to take my eyes off you since I first brought you home.”
“But….”
Kip stroked the hair out of Jos’s eyes, smoothing it back and then stroking down his cheek. “I’ll never forget as long as I live the moment you moved that blanket away and I first saw your eyes. They touched me, and I know it sounds stupid, but if I never saw you again, I know I’d remember your eyes forever.” Kip leaned in to kiss him once again.
“I’m sorry I worried you last night,” Jos said.
“You really did. I sat in the chair beside the bed for hours.”
Jos stilled completely. “I didn’t even know you were there.”
“I know. But I was worried and didn’t want to leave you alone. I put Isaac in my bed, and I spent the night either on the sofa or in the chair. You had a fever, and I was worried you might need to go to the hospital. Then you finally settled down and began to sleep deeply. Every few hours I checked your temperature and then fell asleep myself.”
“But why?”
Kip smiled. “You fascinate me. Getting you to smile is the highlight of my day because when you do, you light up and you flash me your dimples.”
“I do not,” Jos countered, trying not to smile.
“See?” Kip said when he failed and pressed lightly on his cheeks. “Dimples.” Kip turned and set him on the edge of the bed. Then he pushed him back, leaning over, with heat swirling in his eyes. “Damn, I said you were beautiful, but you’ve never looked better to me than right here, right now, in my bed.”
“I do?”
“Oh, yeah. You look amazing in my bed.” Kip tugged Jos’s shirt up over his head.
Jos had always thought he was skinny and plain. He never
let anyone see him with his shirt off if he could help it. Jos had already seen Kip, with his strong, manly chest, flat belly, and narrow hips. He longed to see him again and feel Kip’s skin on his own, but he kept wondering what Kip would think of him. From the smile and then the lick up his chest followed by a swirl of his tongue around one of his nipples, Kip seemed happy with what he saw and felt.
“I knew you’d be beautiful.”
“Not like you,” Jos said as he worked the buttons of Kip’s shirt until they parted and he was able to push it over his rounded shoulders and down his thick arms.
“Hey, we’re all different. If I wanted a guy that looked like me, I’d go to the gym and try to meet someone. Instead, I kept my eyes to home, and look what the fairies brought to my doorstep.”
Jos giggled. “The fairies? Are you saying something about my manhood?”
“No,” Kip chuckled. “When I was a kid, I asked my grandmother how she found Grandpa and knew he was the one she wanted to marry. She said it was fairies. She had never looked at Grandpa, and then one day he was outside when she walked by. It was like she’d been hit by a spell, so she always said that fairies opened her eyes to the man Grandpa was.”
“So you figured the fairies delivered me to you? Don’t you think they’d pick someone better?”
“Grandma said never to question the fairies. They get angry and vengeful. Just take what they give and be grateful and happy. She always said that she was.” Kip grinned and kissed away his protest.
Jos figured if Kip believed in fairies and thought he was a gift from them, who was he to pop his bubble? After all, the way he plucked at Jos’s nipples had him groaning and pulling Kip tighter. They kissed harder, because all Jos wanted to do was scream, and if they woke up Isaac, that would put a damper on their amorous activities in a hurry.
