Bianca had decided that this was going to be her gift to Deborah—preparing the garden to thrive again. She’d enlisted EJ’s help and between other chores, his lessons and work on her business, the two of them spent time each day in the backyard. She attacked it with such vehemence, it seemed she was determined to finish the task today.
At the moment, EJ was on the far side of the yard with Otis, trying to teach the dog to play fetch. Despite Nate’s protests, the dog was quickly going from a stray to a family pet. Or at least EJ’s pet. Although Otis seemed amenable to chowing down on the kibble Nate put out for him every morning, the dog wouldn’t allow anyone but EJ to pet him. Nate liked to argue against believing the dog belonged to them, but it made the boy happy and Bianca didn’t seem to mind.
“Bianca.” He placed a hand on her arm, hating that she not only stilled but stiffened under his touch. “Talk to me.”
She stood and paced to the garden’s border, placing her handheld shovel in his mom’s gardening bucket. It was strange how much it meant to Nate to see her using the set of tools he’d watched his mom use when he and his brothers were boys. “I think you should talk to me,” she countered. “About the night Eddie died.”
He straightened, kicking a ball of dirt with one booted toe. “You know what happened. Your brother died a hero.”
She moved toward him slowly, crossing her arms over her chest. Even standing directly in front of him, the scent of her shampoo mingling with the smell of fresh dirt on the morning breeze, he could feel the distance between them. It was more than physical, and Nate had no idea how to close the divide.
“Yes,” she agreed quietly, “but is there more?”
More. What an understatement. He tipped his head up to the robin’s-egg-blue sky. His heart pounded in his chest and a shiver raced along his spine as panic rushed through him. Memories came swift and severe. So many damn sounds. Rounds coming in...rounds going out. Mortars...grenades. He fisted his hands and forced himself to keep breathing, afraid he might drop to his knees from the weight of guilt and regret.
He licked his lips, swallowed back the bitterness in his throat. “What more do you want to know?”
She studied him as if she was searching for something in his gaze. Some explanation or promise that things were going to be okay. That the chasm that separated them, quickly filling with his poisonous shame, could be navigated. He couldn’t give her that. He realized he couldn’t give her anything she needed. Now or ever. But he remained still under her scrutiny, hoping that whatever she saw would be enough.
She drew in a shuddery breath. “Brett told me...” She paused, unclasped and clasped her hands in front of her stomach. “He told me you were responsible for Eddie’s death,” she said on a rush of air. “He said you killed him.”
He would have expected her words to hurt, but somehow hearing them spoken out loud was a relief. His shame and guilt had been a silent, secret companion since that last mission. One that stayed with him always but gained strength in the dark of night.
Now the beast yawned and opened its eyes, blinking against the light of day. Instead of being chased away by the spotlight shining on it, the darkness reveled in the notice, as if being acknowledged made it more legitimate. But to Nate, the demons had always been real, and they let out a long breath at someone speaking the truth out loud.
“I know it has to be a lie,” she continued when he didn’t answer. “He’s only trying to tear us apart. He doesn’t want me to move on, but Brett and I have no future. You’re my future.” She pushed her hair out of her face. “I’m babbling again,” she said with a shaky laugh. “But it’s been weighing on me. I shouldn’t have believed him in the first place. He was trying to warn me away from you, which is crazy.” Her mouth curved up at one end, her smile wobbly but sincere, like his silence confirmed what she thought she knew about him instead of the opposite.
It had always been the opposite. As much as he wanted to, he could never be the man she wanted because...
“It’s true,” he said at the same time Bianca whispered, “I love you.”
It felt like his heart was shattering into a million pieces as he watched the hope in her eyes cloud to confusion. “What did you say?” she asked.
He shook his head. He couldn’t stand to repeat it, not when all he wanted to hear was her telling him she loved him over and over. Somehow he understood that Bianca’s love was the only thing that could mend all the splintered pieces of his soul and patch him back together. She was the only thing that could make him whole again.
“Nate.” She raised a hand to her throat, clutching at it like she was having trouble gathering air into her lungs. “You can’t be serious. There must be an explanation. You wouldn’t have—”
“I killed Eddie,” he interrupted, surprised at how calm his voice sounded.
“Mommy,” EJ shouted, “Otis brought me the ball.”
Bianca held Nate’s gaze, tears shining in her eyes.
“Mommy!”
“Go to him,” Nate said, wanting to reach for her. To somehow convince her he could make everything right. But he knew nothing had been right in his world since that last terrible mission. Now there was a good chance it never would.
She swiped at her eyes but pasted a bright smile on her face. The mom smile—the one that made it clear that no matter what fresh hell was exploding in her life, she would make things okay for her son.
It was one of the things he loved most about her.
“Let me see,” she called, turning and walking toward EJ and the dog.
Love.
The word ricocheted through Nate’s brain, wreaking havoc on the parts of his heart that were still intact until his insides were nothing but a sad, pulpy mess.
She’d said she loved him at the exact moment he’d ruined her.
Wasn’t that just his way?
He let his gaze soak in the sight of EJ laughing as Otis ran to retrieve another ball, the dog moving so fast he skidded as he tried to grab the ball in his mouth. EJ laughed harder, and Bianca’s smile relaxed.
It was suddenly too much. Despite the open space around him, Nate had the sensation that his world was closing in on him. His lungs were in a vise and he could hardly breathe. He needed to get away...to move...to clear his head of the tumult of thoughts pounding him.
One foot in front of the other, striding toward the barn. He moved as if on autopilot, grateful that his body knew what to do since his brain was in the middle of a major meltdown.
Cinnamon’s ears twitched when Nate approached his stall, as if he could sense Nate’s mood. He saddled the horse, focusing on the scent of the barn and the sound of Cinnamon’s rhythmic breathing to keep him grounded. Then he climbed on and took off out of the barn, riding like he used to as a kid, hell-bent for leather across the open fields. He used to race his brothers, but now he sped away from his own demons, hoping that the pounding of hooves and the feeling of being one with the huge animal would calm him.
He needed to clear his mind so he could figure out how to clean up the mess he’d just made of all their lives.
* * *
What’s wrong, honey?”
Bianca shook her head and smiled, her cheeks aching from the movement. “Nothing, Susan. I just need to return these books I borrowed.” She placed her stack of paperbacks on the counter.
“You can keep them as long as you need,” Susan told her gently.
“EJ and I are leaving Paseo today. I don’t think we’ll be back so...” She broke off when tears clogged her throat. She glanced behind her to where EJ sat in front of the computer screen. He had on headphones and was already engrossed in a show, so she had a moment to let her happy-mom mask slip. “I know it sounds strange because I haven’t been here long, but I’ll miss seeing you.”
“Honey, no.” Susan stood, moving around the makeshift checkout counter to en
velop Bianca in a baby-powder-scented hug. “You can’t leave. You’re too good an addition to our little town.” She pulled back enough to look into Bianca’s eyes. “You’re good for Nathan Fortune.”
Bianca sniffed, embarrassed that she could feel her chin trembling. “I can’t,” she whispered, then broke down completely, crying into Susan’s brightly patterned sweater while the older woman hugged her, swaying back and forth the way Bianca used to when EJ was fussy as a baby.
After a few minutes she took a shaky breath and stepped out of Susan’s embrace. She darted a glance at EJ, but he was still focused on Elmer the Elephant’s latest adventure.
“Let me get you a tissue.” Susan reached over the counter then handed Bianca a wad of them.
“I’m so embarrassed,” Bianca muttered. “You don’t need me blubbering all over you. I’ll pull it together.”
“Don’t be silly.” Susan patted her arm. “Sometimes a woman needs a good cry.” She arched a heavily lined brow. “Especially when a man is involved. If your mama were here, she’d give you a big ol’ hug and tell you the same thing.”
“My mom would tell me that I was a fool to come to Paseo in the first place,” Bianca said with a small, sad laugh, “and I’m getting just what I deserve.”
Susan made a soft tsking sound. “Because I’m sure she’s never made a mistake in her life.”
“She’s made plenty.” Bianca dabbed at her eyes. “I have a feeling she might count me as the biggest.”
“Don’t say that.” Susan wrapped an arm around Bianca’s shoulder. “You’re a good person and an amazing mother. Look at how hard you’re working to get your business started. I heard from Rosa that Nathan Fortune couldn’t keep his eyes off you when he brought you and EJ into town for dinner the other night. She said he looked positively smitten.”
“I thought he was more than smitten,” Bianca admitted. “Or at least I hoped.”
“Because you feel more for him?”
“Way more. I’m in love with him.”
Susan leaned in and gave Bianca’s cheek a smacking kiss. “How wonderful. That boy needs some happiness in his life. I’ve kept up with him over the years, and he always had such a big smile and easy way about him. But he’s been different since he came home this last time. Like he can’t quite find his footing away from the life of a soldier. It happens to some of them, you know. Makes me sad that the men and women who give up so much to keep us safe have to deal with that. A fresh start with you and your son is just what Nate needs.”
She took a step away and frowned. “Wait. Did you say you’re leaving and not coming back?”
“That’s the plan.”
“But what about Nate?”
Bianca shrugged. “One of the few worthwhile pieces of advice my mom gave me was that loving a man doesn’t guarantee a happily-ever-after in the end.”
“I wouldn’t call those words worthwhile,” Susan said, her tone disapproving. “No offense, hon, but your mama sounds like a real piece of work.”
“Yeah,” Bianca agreed. “But she was right in this instance. Nate and my brother, Eddie, were SEALs together—best friends. Eddie died on their last mission, and there were circumstances Nate didn’t share with me.”
“It’s difficult for soldiers to revisit those bad times. Some of them need to leave the past in the past.”
Bianca drew in a breath. How much could she share with the sweet librarian? She didn’t want anyone to judge Nate. He took care of that quite thoroughly on his own. Heck, she still didn’t understand why he blamed himself for Eddie’s death. Yet he hadn’t denied Brett’s claims.
None of it made sense, but if he wasn’t willing to talk about it with her, how could they move forward? She understood letting go of the past, but whatever happened on that last mission still had a choke hold on Nate.
She wanted to fight for their relationship, but not if it was a losing battle. She’d dealt with too many of those in her life already.
“It feels like he’s throwing away our future because he can’t let go of the past.”
“And there’s nothing you can do?”
“I need some time to figure it out,” Bianca said. “I only just realized that I’m someone worth fighting for. If Nate isn’t willing to, then I’m not going to beg.” She straightened her shoulders. “I spent too long letting people make me feel less than. I won’t do it anymore. If nothing else, I owe it to EJ to be strong and believe in myself.”
“You owe it to both of you,” Susan agreed. “Honey, I’m awfully sorry to see you go, but I guess I understand. Maybe Nate will come to his senses.”
The idea of working things out with Nate had hope blooming in Bianca’s heart, followed quickly by a wave of sorrow so strong it almost knocked her off balance.
She’d watched him gallop out of the barn like he couldn’t get away fast enough. If that wasn’t a clear message, she didn’t know what would be.
“I’m going to be fine either way,” she said, even though she wasn’t sure she believed it.
“You never know how things will work out.” Susan walked back around the counter. “Look at Deborah Fortune raising the triplets on her own, thinking all this time that the man she’d loved—the father of her boys—had died.” She threw up her hands, her shimmery pink manicure sparkling in the light. “Then suddenly he’s back from the grave with a new identity, family and kids crawling out from the woodwork. That had to be a huge shock for all of them.”
“But they’re getting through,” Bianca said. “They have each other.”
Susan nodded. “Plus Jayden has that pretty new wife of his from Austin. And Nathan has—”
“It’s time to go, EJ,” Bianca called, forcing one more feigned smile on her face. She couldn’t talk any longer about Nate. Not when she was determined to leave Paseo. If she thought too long about everything Nate had been through and what he meant to her, she’d never find the strength to drive away.
But it wasn’t just Nate. The ranch had started to feel like home, and she had one thing to finish before she left Paseo for good.
Because as much as she’d come to love this place, she would never again settle for scraps of a life. Not when she deserved so much more.
Chapter Fifteen
Nate arrived back at the ranch four hours later, hungry and tired but with his head clearer than it had been in weeks. He had to explain to Bianca the full circumstances of Eddie’s death. Maybe she’d look at him like the whole tragic incident was his fault, but he had to take the chance. The truth was burning a hole right into his soul, and he couldn’t move forward without having everything in the open.
But her car wasn’t parked in front of the house. In its place sat Jayden’s truck. His brother walked out from the front door as Nate dismounted.
“I’ve got a problem,” Jayden called as he moved to the top of the porch steps. “And I’m hoping you can make it right.”
“What’s up?” Nate led Cinnamon forward, wondering where Bianca was at the moment. The quicker he got through this conversation with Jayden, the quicker he’d be free to find her.
“It’s Sugar.”
Nate felt his mouth drop open. “What’s wrong? Where is she?”
“In the backyard,” Jayden said, crossing his arms over his chest and raising a brow. “With her desolate dog boyfriend.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Nate lifted the Stetson off his head, wiped his brow across the sleeve of his canvas jacket then dropped the hat back into place. “Dogs don’t have boyfriends.”
“Sugar does,” Jayden countered. “EJ’s stray, Otis. Since we arrived, that dog has been laying in the backyard, head on his paws, whining. Sugar is beside herself. She can’t get him to play or follow her. Apparently she likes being the center of Otis’s world, and it’s currently killing her. When Sugar is upset, I’m upset. You nee
d to fix it.”
“Did you examine Otis?” Nate took a step forward, then remembered Cinnamon was still with him. “Let me put Cinnamon away then I’ll come take a look. Maybe he’s sick or injured.”
“Or heartbroken,” Jayden suggested quietly.
“That’s ridiculous,” Nate said, not bothering to hide his snappish tone. There were times when he was totally in sync with his brothers, and others when it felt like they were speaking another language. “You just said Sugar is with him. EJ is going to freak if something’s wrong with that dog.” He held out the reins. “You take Cinnamon and I’ll try—”
“Where is EJ?” Jayden interrupted, his tone a little too innocent for Nate’s taste. “And Bianca?”
“I’m guessing they ran into town. Stop messing around, Jayden. This is serious.”
“Is that so?” Jayden tapped a finger against his chin, slowly walking down the steps. “Ran into town or ran away from town? On the drive in, Ariana and I saw a little hatchback with a woman that looked a lot like Bianca on the highway outside Paseo. She was driving like the devil himself was chasing her.”
Nate swallowed as his throat went dry. “Take the reins,” he commanded.
Jayden kept moving until they were standing boot to boot. “Did you two have a fight?”
“Take the damn reins, Jayden.”
His brother closed his fingers around the leather straps, and Nate immediately bounded up the porch steps, through the front door and up the stairs, taking them two at a time. His breath came out in ragged puffs, like he’d just run a marathon by the time he got to the top, more from the panic gripping him than from any kind of physical exertion. He pushed open the door to his mother’s bedroom, his heart dropping when he found it empty of Bianca’s things.
Grayson’s bedroom—the one where EJ was staying—was also back to how it had been before the Shaws had arrived. The perfectly made beds mocked him, as if these past few weeks had been nothing but a dream and he was back to the lonely reality of his regular life.
Her Soldier of Fortune Page 16
