by Bob Stine
"You should wash it sometime," she said.
"The medallion?"
"No. Your neck," she said. But she immediately regretted her harshness. She cradled the medallion in her hand. On one side she could make out strange hieroglyphic writing. "What does it say?"
"I don't know," Lone Starr said, sounding really choked up. She was pulling a bit too hard on the medallion chain. "I've taken it to every wise man in the universe. But nobody can tell me what it means."
She pulled a little harder to get a better look. Their faces came together. They stared into each other's eyes.
"I - I - " Lone Starr struggled to find the right words. "I - I can't breathe!" He took the medallion from her hand and replaced it under his shirt.
The moment was lost. They looked up at the stars again. "So how come you ran away from your wedding?" Lone Starr asked.
"If you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom," she said, not looking at him.
"Then why were you going to marry him?"
"Because I'm a princess and I have to marry a prince. I have a duty to my father and my planet." She stopped for a moment. She seemed to be trying to keep herself from crying. "I really must go back," she said. "I shouldn't have run away. I realize now that love is one luxury that a princess cannot afford."
Lone Starr moved a little closer. "You're probably right."
"I know now that I must learn to live without love," she said softly.
"I guess so..." Lone Starr said, moving a little closer and putting a hand on her shoulder.
"Besides, love isn't that important," she said.
"Naah, it isn't," Lone Starr quickly agreed.
He pulled her close. They began to melt into each other's arms. Their lips touched.
WHOOOP! WHOOOOOP! WHOOOOOP!
A siren wailed from Dot's head. A red light began to flash on her chest. She came running over, pulled the Princess away, and turned angrily to Lone Starr. "We'll have none of that, Mr. Make-Out!"
Lone Starr raised his hands and backed away. "Okay. Okay. Let's all get some sleep. We've gotta get moving before dawn."
"Before dawn?" Princess Vespa whined. "Why so early?"
"We're in the middle of the desert," Lone Starr told her. "We won't get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead."
As they walked off in different directions to their sleeping areas, Vespa cast a last, lingering look at him. Lone Starr cast a lingering look, too - at his jacket. He really wanted it back....
***
By midmorning the sun was a blistering hot yellow ball. The heat sizzled down and was reflected back up by the white-hot desert sand.
As our four pitiful heroes staggered across the burning sands, they abandoned Vespa's luggage piece by piece. But even with a lighter load, the heat was unbearable, the journey slow and exhausting.
Up they climbed to the top of a steep sand dune. Lone Starr was in the lead, his face red and sweat-soaked, his parched lips gasping, "Water ... water!"
Barf followed, his tongue down to his knees, panting quickly like a dog, gasping, "Water ... water!"
Dot followed behind him, also exhausted, ready to drop, gasping, "Oil ... oil!"
She was followed by the exhausted Princess, gasping, "Room service ... room service!"
Chapter 13
All eyes were on the telescreen as Spaceball One closed in on the Moon of Vega. Finally, the radar technician made the announcement Lord Helmet was waiting to hear. "Picking up life forms in Vector 78, sir," he reported. "Three humans and a droid. They're alive but unconscious."
Lord Helmet rubbed his gloved hands together gleefully. "Alive but unconscious! Just the way I like my enemies! Ha ha!"
"Ready the landing party to pick up the prisoners," Colonel Sandurz ordered. "We'll go in the sand cruiser, sir."
But Dark Helmet didn't hear him. He was moaning in anticipation of finally capturing his longtime foe. "Ohh, Lone Starr," he sighed. "Ohhh, Lone Starr, Lone Starr.... I'm going to make you so unbelievably dead!"
***
On the sizzling sands of the Moon of Vega, Lone Starr and his three companions already appeared to be dead. But they were only unconscious, overcome by exhaustion and the stifling heat.
With Lord Helmet and his ruthless Spaceballs closing in on them, however, they were as good as dead. Luckily for our heroes, Dark Helmet was not the first one to find them.
From out of the sand, a little fuzzy head wearing a sand-colored hood popped up, its pawlike hands scratching a path for itself. "Dink," the little creature called out meekly, spotting the large, unmoving creatures in front of it. "Dink dink," it called out a little more bravely.
"Dink dink?" Another small, hooded creature popped up from the sand. It was followed by three others. "Dink dink."
"Dink dink dink!"
The Dinks were about three feet tall. They all wore identical robes tied with a tiny rope and open-pawed sandals. They looked like furry little monks.
"Dink dink? Dink!"
"Dink dink dink dink dink."
They chattered excitedly among themselves, worried about the four unconscious figures in the sand. "Dink dink dink dink dink!"
They formed a circle around Lone Starr and his companions, and trying to revive them, began to give them water from their canteens.
"Hey, thanks, little guy," Barf said gratefully, gulping down the water the Dink offered.
"Thank you, thank you," the grateful Princess said.
"Glug glug glug." Dot gratefully lapped up the quart of oil the friendly little creatures poured down her throat.
Next, they tried to revive Lone Starr. Slowly, he opened his eyes, shielded them from the sun, and looked around. "Hey - where are we? Disneyland?"
"They saved us," Barf told his still-dazed boss.
"Are they chipmunks - or what?" Lone Starr asked.
"Dink dink dink dink."
"Yeah. Right." He slowly climbed to his feet.
The Dinks led Lone Starr and his weary companions off across the sand. After a while, they came to a winding stone staircase that led deep into the ground. Down they went, following the chattering Dinks until they arrived on a flat stone floor in a dark anteroom of some sort.
"Where are we? What is this place?" Vespa asked, looking around the mysterious structure.
"Dink dink dink dink dink dink dink," the Dink leader explained in great detail.
"Thank you," the Princess replied.
"Glad you cleared that up," Barf added.
The anteroom led to an immense cavern carved out of stone. Lone Starr and the others stared in disbelief. The enormous chamber appeared to be a mile high with tall white pillars reaching to the ceiling. A marble altar, bathed in bright light, stood at the far end of the cavern. And sitting on the high altar was a twenty-foot-tall Buddha-like statue with gleaming ruby-red eyes; huge, pointed ears; and nostrils that breathed smoke.
The Dinks bowed their heads solemnly. The Dink leader gestured for Lone Starr and his companions to step closer to the statue.
"Now what's going to happen?" Vespa whispered.
"Don't ask and maybe it won't..." Lone Starr whispered back.
As Lone Starr reluctantly moved closer, a ball of flame burst from the statue's mouth.
"Woof woof woof!" The frightened Barf forgot himself and began to bark like a dog.
"SILENCE!"
The booming voice of the statue echoed deafeningly off the cavern walls.
"Who DARES enter the sacred and AWESOME presence of the everlasting Know-It-All?" the statue roared.
"Everlasting Know-It-All?" Lone Starr muttered to himself. "It can't be. He's been dead for a thousand years!"
"Don't tell him that!" Vespa whispered. "Who is he, anyway?"
"Who is he?" Dot asked.
"Who?" Barf repeated.
"It's ... Yogurt!" Lone Starr exclaimed, his voice filled with awe.
"Yogurt!" Barf, Dot, and Vespa exclaimed in unison.
"Hey! You hoida me?" Yogurt eme
rged from the folds of the statue's robes. He was a cute three-foot-tall version of the statue.
"Heard of you!" Lone Starr exclaimed. "Who hasn't heard of Yogurt?"
"Yogurt the Wise," Vespa said, smiling.
"Yogurt the All-Powerful," Dot added, whirring with excitement.
"Yogurt the Magnificent!" Barf said.
Yogurt gave them a little wave. He looked embarrassed. "Please, please. I'm just plain Yogurt."
"But weren't you the leader of the Red-Eye Knights and the possessor of the Force?" Barf asked.
"No, no. That was Alec Guinness," Yogurt told him. He flashed them a wise and knowing grin. "I am the keeper of a greater magic," he said proudly. "I possess a power known throughout the universe as ... the Schwartz!"
With these astounding words, Yogurt held up his right hand, revealing a silver ring on his middle finger. A dazzling silver light circled the ring.
"The Schwartz!" our heroes cried in unison. The light was so dazzling, they looked away.
"Don't be afraid," Yogurt told them. "The Schwartz is in the service of the pure and the brave and the good and the cute."
The Dinks had gathered around Yogurt. They began chattering noisily and tugging at his sleeves. "Dink dink dink! Dink dink?"
"Oh, of course I'll introduce you," Yogurt said, slapping the side of his head. "Where are my manners?" He gestured to the excited little creatures who surrounded him. "These are my Dinks. I couldn't live without them. They're my little helpers."
He began to introduce them one by one. "This guy is Rinky Dink. Next to him is Blinky Dink. And that's Stinky Dink. Over here, we got Pinky, Finky, and Winky."
Winky winked at the Princess.
"What is this place?" Lone Starr asked. "What do you do here?"
"What do we do here?" Yogurt repeated. "I'll tell you what we do here. Merchandising."
"What's that?" Barf asked, scratching his head.
"You know ... merchandising," Yogurt said. "First they make the movie. Then they make the book about the movie. Then they make a million things with the movie's name on it. C'mere, I'll show you."
Yogurt led them across the wide cavern to a display shelf. The shelf was filled with all kinds of Spaceballs products.
"Here. Look," Yogurt said, holding up items one by one. "See? A Spaceballs coloring book ... a Spaceballs lunch box ... T-shirts ... even dolls. Here. Take a look at our latest doll - me!"
He held up a very cute little doll of himself. "I'm adorable - and I talk," he said, smiling proudly. "I'll show you."
He pulled a string on the back of the Yogurt doll, and in a squeaky little doll voice, it said, "May the Schwartz be with you!"
Yogurt grinned and gestured to all the stuff on the shelf. "Let's face it, folks," he said. "Toys are us!"
Chapter 14
Into the heat of the Vegan desert marched Dark Helmet and his Spaceballs, continuing their ruthless search for Princess Vespa. They moved slowly over the blazing sand, their eyes peeled for any sign of Vespa and the others.
As Dark Helmet tried to shield his eyes from the blinding sun, Sandurz came running up to him. "We've reported to President Skroob that the Princess is somewhere in the Sands of Vega, sir," Sandurz told him.
"And what did President Skroob say?" Dark Helmet asked, trying to find some shade in the depths of his helmet.
"President Skroob said to comb the desert and to leave no stone unturned," Sandurz reported.
"Okay, men - comb the desert!" Dark Helmet commanded.
Immediately, the Spaceball troopers pulled out giant black Ace combs, the size of a city bus, and began to comb the desert with them.
They combed and combed. All that combing put a nice wave in the desert and a neat part on the left - but it didn't turn up any sign of Princess Vespa.
"Okay, men," Dark Helmet called. "Start turning over stones!"
The troopers put down their combs, bent down, and began turning over stones. A few hours later, Sandurz, looking disappointed and exhausted, reported to Dark Helmet. "There's no sign of them, sir. We left no stone unturned."
"Oh, yeah?" Dark Helmet cried. "What about that one?" He took two steps, bent down, and turned over a stone.
Beneath the stone lay a golden bracelet. Dark Helmet smiled triumphantly and picked it up. "See? Her bracelet." He held it up and read the inscription: To Princess Vespa from King Daddy - Happy Purim.
Dark Helmet waved the bracelet in Sandurz's weary face. "They've got to be somewhere nearby. Keep searching!"
***
The Princess and her companions were nearby, feeling safe and comfortable in Yogurt's underground cavern. As Vespa, Dot, and Barf rested from their exhausting journey through the Vegan desert, Lone Starr went off with Yogurt to take instruction in using the Schwartz.
Lone Starr towered over Yogurt. He was at least three feet taller than the little guy. But Yogurt's small size was misleading. His wisdom was large and he held enormous powers.
Lone Starr pulled out the medallion he wore around his neck and held it down to Yogurt. "It's a mystery," Lone Starr said. "None of the wise men could tell me what it means."
"Wise men? What do they know?" Yogurt scoffed. "They're all a bunch of dummies. Let me take a look."
He reached up for the medallion. Then, to get a better look at it, he stood up. He had been walking on his knees all along! His little green shoes were attached to his knees with rubber bands. His full-length robe was now knee-length, revealing bare, bony legs, little white ankle socks, and worn bedroom slippers.
"Oy! What a pleasure to stand up," Yogurt sighed. "It's hard to work on your knees at my age."
"Yogurt, how old are you?" Lone Starr asked, still startled by Yogurt's new height.
"I'm eight-five ... hundred ... and forty-two years young," Yogurt said proudly. "I don't look a day over eighty-five hundred - do I?"
He held the medallion up close to his face and began to examine it carefully. "Hmmm ... let's see here. No wonder they couldn't figure it out. This is written in the oldest language known to man."
"What's that?" Lone Starr asked. "Greek? Sanskrit? Latin?"
"Older," Yogurt said.
"Older than Latin?"
"Yes," Yogurt told him. "It's Pig Latin!"
"Can you read it? What does it say?" Lone Starr asked eagerly.
A mysterious look crossed Yogurt's face. "I can't tell you now. It shall be revealed to you at the proper time."
"When is that?" Lone Starr asked.
"Just before the end of this book."
Lone Starr looked disappointed. But Yogurt pulled him in front of the enormous Yogurt statue. "Let's get back to your Schwartz training," he said. "Concentrate and try again."
Lone Starr stepped back and raised his right hand. On his middle finger, he was now wearing Yogurt's silver ring. "Okay," he said, looking skeptically at the ring, "but I still don't see how I can lift that big statue with this little ring."
Yogurt's face creased into a wise and knowing smile. "Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz," he said quietly.
Lone Starr pointed his ring finger toward the statue, closed his eyes, and concentrated with all his might. The ring began to glow. A few seconds later, the huge statue began to rise.
"I can't believe it!" Lone Starr cried, opening his eyes, seeing the statue float up into the air. "The Schwartz - it's working!"
At that moment, Barf came running in excitedly. "Hey, Boss, I'm - uh - "
Lone Starr turned to look at his sidekick and -
CRAAAAASSSH!
"Oooh, wow!" Yogurt screamed. "Ooh, boy! Woof! Wow! Ouch!"
"Oh. I'm terribly sorry," Barf said. "That big statue seems to have fallen onto your little foot."
"Can we talk later?" Yogurt screamed. "Get it off! Get it off me!"
"Come on, Barf. On three, let's lift," Lone Starr said, bending down to get a grip on the immense statue. They tried to lift it off Yogurt's foot, but it wouldn't budge, "It's no use," Lone Starr said, still s
training to lift it.
"Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr!" Yogurt screamed. "Use the Schwartz!"
"Hey. Good idea!" Lone Starr said, suddenly remembering the ring on his finger. He waved Barf back and then pointed the ring at the statue, concentrating with all his might.
The ring began to glow. The statue slowly began to rise. Yogurt pulled his foot out. "That's better!" Yogurt cried. "That's better! That's - "
CRAAAAASSSH!
"That's not so good," Yogurt said, shaking his head. But this time the statue had missed his foot by half an inch.
"Look at my foot!" he wailed. "It looks like a spatula! I knew I should never have gotten off my knees!"
Chapter 15
Night fell on the desert of Vega, turning the sands cold and white. Dark Helmet and his troopers huddled in disappointment and defeat. "It's no use, sir," Sandurz said sadly. "We've searched everywhere."
"Wait!" Dark Helmet cried, holding up a hand for silence. He seemed to be listening to some sort of invisible signal. "I feel it.... I feel the presence of the Schwartz!" he exclaimed.
"The Schwartz!" his men all repeated in awe.
Dark Helmet turned around and began walking toward a low dune behind them. "It's coming from there," he said, still listening. "Somewhere down there."
Sandurz walked up to where Dark Helmet was pointing. He brushed the sand away. Two doors came into view. On each door was a circle with a big Y carved inside it.
"You're right, sir," Sandurz said, impressed. "There is a secret entrance here. And look at the insignia on the doors."
"Y for Yogurt," Dark Helmet frowned. "I hate Yogurt. Even with fruit on the bottom!"
"I'll call for the attack squad, sir," Sandurz said eagerly.
"No!" Dark Helmet held him back. "We can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's too powerful."
"But your ring - " Sandurz protested. "What's that - chopped liver? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?"
