by Candy Harper
‘Let’s have a cup of tea and then maybe I can help you sort it out.’
It was a job to get the kettle under the tap because the sink was so full of plates but I managed to fill it.
‘Cups . . . cups . . .’ Westy said. He looked helplessly around the kitchen and started yanking open cupboard doors.
‘Doesn’t have to be bone china,’ I said. ‘Anything will do.’
He opened a drawer. ‘I can offer you a ladle or an egg cup.’
He was starting to pink up with embarrassment, so I said, ‘Let’s just rinse a few of these out, shall we?’
But the group of mugs on the counter were full of some sort of tar like substance and several of them had what looked like fish scales floating in them. So I emptied out the sink and gave them a proper scrub.
Eventually we had six cups of tea to take back to the sitting room.
‘You took your time,’ Megs said. ‘What were you two doing out there?’
Dawn looked from me to Westy.
Westy turned pink. I attempted to discretely strangle Megan with her own legs. There was a bit of a tussle and Megs said, ‘Cam! Do something!’
Cam blinked in surprise. I’m not sure he’d noticed that Megs and I were wrestling. ‘Stop cuddling my girlfriend, Faith.’
I gave her one last Chinese burn and let her go. But only because my tea was getting cold.
Cam seemed worn out by his misguided attempts to please Megs. He flopped back in his chair and said, ‘I’m hungry. Westy, can I have something to eat?’
‘Sure. Help yourself.’
Cam went to the kitchen and we talked about going back to school. Dawn said her school is really strict. I told her that if their head evil dictator ever needs replacing they could have Miss Ramsbottom for no charge.
Cam reappeared eating cereal out of a teapot with a medicine spoon.
‘If we’re going to get to the cinema in time we should probably leave now,’ Ethan said to Dawn.
I decided to study Reginald’s alarming eyebrows as a distraction.
‘It was nice to meet you all,’ Dawn said. And off they went. Holding hands again in a totally unnecessary fashion.
I exhaled.
Westy came back from seeing them out. ‘What did you think of Dawn?’ he asked.
Megs screwed up her nose in an unimpressed fashion.
Cam shrugged.
‘Yeah,’ said Westy. ‘She was a bit quiet. I like my girls loud.’
‘They’d have to be loud to get a word in edgeways,’ Cam said.
But the horrible truth about Dawn is that she is not an awful person. She wasn’t a bit unpleasant. She didn’t even smell bad.
She and Ethan will probably have dark-haired, twinkly-eyed, delightfully sarcastic children together.
SUNDAY 22ND APRIL
School starts again tomorrow. Seriously. Again. It just keeps coming round. I complained about this to Mum.
‘It’s like the circle of life, isn’t it?’ she said.
This is typical of my mother’s misguided hippy nonsense.
‘It’s not at all like the circle of life,’ I said. ‘They’re completely different things. The circle of life is one lion dying and another lion becoming king.’ I poked her to make sure she was listening. ‘The circle of life is what you say to old people to try and make them feel better about their imminent death. It’s got nothing to do with school. School is more like that big round rock in Indiana Jones, the one that chases you out whichever way you turn and won’t go away.’
‘I wish you’d view your education as an opportunity rather than a punishment.’
‘And I wish that the royal family would reveal that they’d just discovered an evil chamber maid switched me with your real daughter at birth. You’ve got to manage your expectations, Mum.’
Then she threatened to manage me by cutting off my pocket money so I gave up on trying to explain the drudgery of my life to her.
MONDAY 23RD APRIL
There is no doubt that school is a criminal waste of my time and talent, and the teachers are clearly sadists who have failed at real life and have returned to the comforting environment of their youth, (which smells of gym mats and school dinners and sweaty changing rooms and Icky Vicky Blundell’s insect repellent perfume) so they can boss about poor defenceless teenagers in order to pretend that they are in control of something.
Still, it is quite a nice place for a chat with your friends.
In between the suffering and the mental torture and all that.
LATER
Speaking of suffering and torture I bumped into Icky on my way to registration. I say bumped into, but actually she crossed three lanes of fast moving girl-traffic in order to deliberately crash into me.
‘Hold on, Vicky,’ I said. ‘I appreciate you’re desperate to smother me in affection, but if you really want a cuddle, you’re going to have to get in line behind my family, friends and several dozen fit boys.’
‘Yeah, right,’ she sneered. ‘As if you could get someone hot anywhere near you. Finn legged it as soon as he could, didn’t he?’
‘Actually, I think you’ll find that I ended that relationship.’
She gave me a sceptical look. I showed what a noble person I am by refraining from walloping her.
‘Can’t handle the truth, can you?’ she said screwing up her evil button nose. ‘Don’t worry I’ve told everyone for you. Everybody in this school and at Radcliffe knows that Finn dumped you because you smell of rotten fish.’
What a cow. I split up with Finn weeks ago, but Icky obviously can’t deal with the fact that an attractive boy really liked me, so she carries on spreading her horrible lies. I held my punching arm tight to my side.
‘Ah,’ I said, forcing a smile. ‘Poor little Vicky, my pity for you is so strong that I am going to let you in on something special. Really, your mother should have shared this with you, but I imagine it’s hard for her to look at your spiteful monkey face without weeping, as she realises that her hopes of having a daughter who isn’t filled with hate and rage and bad taste in cheap jewellery are dead now. But I’ll tell you the secret . . .’
I leaned in close and even though Icky was glowering at me she couldn’t help instinctively moving a little nearer.
‘If you’re constantly thinking you can smell rotten fish,’ I whispered. ‘Then it’s time to have a bath.’
And I sped off before she started shooting out shrill squeals like a very angry firework.
I arrived at our tutor room hoping for a more relaxing chat, but what I got was Lily saying, ‘They’re not going to run out of Marmite, are they?’
And I realised that what I’d missed over Easter was a daily dose of Lily silliness.
I put down my bag. ‘Don’t worry, last time I checked the shops had plenty of Marmite.’
She frowned. ‘Yes, but how long will it last? I mean where does it come from? And what happens when they’ve dug it all out?’
I snorted. ‘They don’t mine Marmite. They make it.’
‘What from?’
‘Er, yeast I think.’
‘And how much yeast have we got?’
‘Enough.’ But I could tell just from the look on her face that she was planning a secret underground Marmite store. If there is ever a global disaster, I’m heading to Lily’s for snacks.
Then Angharad arrived and I thought that things might take a more sane turn, but Angharad has got her own worries.
She showed us a file of the revision that she’s done this holiday.
‘The mocks aren’t for weeks,’ I said.
‘I know, but I’ve got a lot going on this term; I’m captain of the netball team and I’ve signed up to help Year Sevens who are struggling with their maths. So I need to be super organised.’
‘You’ll be fine, Ang,’ Lily said, drawing a diagram of some sort of bunker all over Ang’s notes.
Ang wrinkled her nose. ‘Am I worrying too much?’
I didn’t want her to
start worrying about worrying so I changed the subject. ‘Did you see Elliot in the holidays?’
Elliot is just as hardworking (and tiny) as Angharad.
She smiled shyly. ‘A couple of times. We did some Physics revision together.’
Lily fanned herself. ‘Nothing hotter than Physics.’
‘It was quite exciting,’ Ang agreed.
I had to wait until English to get any really sensible conversation. Then Megs and I were able to have an in depth discussion on the best way to eat a cupcake without the icing going up your nose.
My mum is right: school really is quite thought provoking.
TUESDAY 24TH APRIL
Mum insisted that I help her feel less alone in her pointless existence by hanging out with her in the kitchen, chopping vegetables for dinner. Then she put on her serious face and said, ‘Faith, I’ve got something to tell you and I need you to not have a tantrum.’
‘You’re not going to wear those knee boots again, are you?’
She passed me a carrot. ‘No. Although there’s no reason why a woman of my age can’t wear boots.’
‘I can think of two reasons: your left leg and your right one.’
‘I’m trying to tell you something, Faith.’
My heart plummeted. ‘You’re not sending me to boarding school are you?’
‘No Faith, it’s—’
‘Are you sending Sam to boarding school? Because I’ve got to say that would be less of a tantrum situation and more of a skippy dance time.’
‘Why don’t you just listen and find out?’
‘Because you’ve just told me not to have a tantrum, so now I’m imagining all my worst fears coming true.’
Mum took a deep breath. ‘Next month, Granny is coming to stay with us.’
I nearly sliced my finger off. ‘Oh. Well. That’s not my worst fear.’
‘Good.’
‘That’s Armageddon.’
Mum shook her head. ‘Don’t exaggerate.’
‘Granny-geddon.’
‘That’s not a thing.’
I narrowed my eyes. ‘Let’s see what you say after she’s been here for a few days.’
Mum attacked some green beans. ‘I’m sure it will be fine.’
‘Where’s she going to sleep? I know she looks like a shrivelled old fruit bat, but I don’t think she actually hangs from the rafters at night.’
She gave me a sheepish look, which is usually a good indication that she has done something truly awful.
‘Not in my room?’
‘It’s bigger than Sam’s. You can sleep on the pull-out sofa in the dining room.’
Unbelievable. ‘Listen Mum, I don’t know why you’ve chosen to tell me that you’ve given my one place of refuge away to a grasping old woman, while I’ve got a sharp knife in my hand, but I suggest you start thinking about how to use that chopping board as a shield.’
She ignored that, but I noticed that she took a couple of steps backwards. ‘I’m sorry Faith, but in a family sometimes you have to make sacrifices.’
I gave a massive sigh and hacked more carrots to pieces in a quietly dignified fashion, which I think indicated that I have already made a great number of sacrifices for this family – like remaining in it.
‘It’s not going to be for long,’ Mum said. ‘A few weeks at most.’
‘That’s what she’s told you. She’s like a vampire; once you invite her in there’ll be no end to the blood and violence.’
She folded her arms. ‘You’re going to have to tone down the cutting remarks while she’s here.’
No bedroom and no insulting people. I may as well sign up to a convent. ‘Why is she coming anyway?’
‘Because she’s having her kitchen done and she doesn’t want to be there for all the drilling and paint fumes.’
‘What? She breathes out poison all the time! I can’t see what harm taking a bit in would do her.’
‘Faith!’
‘Oh, come on, there’s not much time left for her lungs anyway. She may as well take up cigar smoking and pearl diving and make the most of them.’
‘That’s not a nice way to talk. We all know you love your granny really.’
‘Yep. Really, as in really really deep down. Way down under several hundred feet of annoyance and irritation.’
‘You’d better start drilling then because I think we’re all going to need a lot of love when she arrives.’
LATER
I’m trying to put Granny’s imminent invasion out of my mind and focus on the present. It’s the first debating club tomorrow and I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to it or not. Ethan will be there and I’m afraid that I’m never going to be able to have a good chat with him again, because I’ll always be thinking about how things might have been different.
WEDNESDAY 25TH APRIL
I do feel really proud of debating club; it’s brilliant that something I started is doing so well. There were even more new recruits today. Of course, Icky was all over the Radcliffe boys. Not that I have a problem with that; obviously, the main reason we’re all there is to mix with boys – and to learn the vital life-skill of arguing. But I do think nabbing six boys all to yourself is just greedy. How she persuaded one of them to give her a shoulder-carry thirty seconds after meeting him, I have no idea.
I gave the fresh talent the once over myself, you know, in a friendly way. There were a couple of quite cool looking Year Elevens, but somehow my eyes kept going back to Ethan. At least I don’t have to watch him and Dawn being all hilarious and well suited. She goes to St Mildred’s on the other side of town.
Actually, it wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it might be. Ethan came over and said, ‘Nice to see you ladies. I very nearly didn’t make it here, there were a lot of people vying for my company tonight.’
Megs said, ‘Oh yeah?’
I thought he was going to mention Spawn but he said, ‘Uh huh. My form tutor, the head, the police . . . all dying to have a chat with me.’
‘I think you’re mistaking popularity with their keenness to earn that reward that’s been put up for your capture,’ I said.
‘That would explain why people keep trying to bundle me into cars with blacked out windows.’
‘I think that’s just motorists who’ve taken an instant dislike to you.’
He grinned. ‘You excited about the new term then, Faith?’
I was starting to relax and enjoy myself. ‘Oh, yes. You know me, I live for my education.’
‘Goes on a bit though, doesn’t it? I mean I know some slow types need it ground into them, but you’d think they’d realise that smart people like me and you had pretty much got it covered by the end of Year Eight.’
I nodded. ‘Seems crazy that we’ve still got years to go. I was thinking about starting one of those tally charts like prisoners scrape on the walls of their cell. Only I thought maybe I’d just smash a school window for each day.’
‘That seems like an appropriate way to mark the time stolen from you. I might do a similar thing by letting down the tyres on a teacher’s car each day.’
‘Don’t talk to me about teachers’ cars.’
He cracked up. There was a bit of an unfortunate incident a while back involving Miss Ramsbottom’s car and one of my stupid ideas. Ethan sort of got me out of that one.
Then it was time to listen to the debate. On the whole I feel a bit better about Ethan. I’d forgotten how much I enjoy just chatting to him. Maybe we can still be friends.
THURSDAY 26TH APRIL
While I am enjoying all this being a good friend, I thought that maybe I should be broadening my horizons. Maybe I should be making new friends . . . in different countries. So I had a little chat with Mum tonight.
‘Remember when I was gracious enough to inform you that I had suffered a disappointment in my personal life that you weren’t allowed to ask me about, but which I also suggested meant I should get twice as much pudding as everyone else until further notice? And you were gr
acious enough not to spout a load of hippy ‘wisdom’ at me, but you did say that I shouldn’t dwell on it and that I should move on to the next challenge in my life?’
‘Mmm hmm.’ She wrinkled up her nose in a suspicious fashion.
‘Why are you wrinkling your nose in a suspicious fashion?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’re talking.’ She pushed her straggly hippy hair out of her eyes. ‘And I’ve had conversations with you before. The way that they’ve ended has taught me to begin with suspicion otherwise I wind up being bamboozled into some ridiculous plan of yours.’
‘Charming.’
‘Wait a second, I’ll just activate my bamboozle barrier.’
And she pretended to erect some sort of force field. She’s so childish. I don’t know why the authorities let her keep me.
I folded my arms. ‘So you admit that you’re suspicious. That’s nice, isn’t it? When some mothers hear their child’s voice they start to well up with love and pride, but you just purse your wrinkly lips and expect the worst from me. It’s a wonder I haven’t turned to crime.’
I thought she was going to launch into some tutting and huffing, but instead she nodded. ‘You’re right. I shouldn’t tease when you’re trying to be serious. Just wipe those negative vibes away.’
And she actually mimed wiping off an invisible blackboard like some sort of geriatric CBeebies presenter. ‘Now, what did you want to say, sweetheart?’
‘I need a holiday.’
‘A holiday?’
‘I thought somewhere educational. Like New York or Ibiza.’
Her CBeebies grin faltered. ‘How are either of those locations educational?’
‘Travel broadens the mind. If I went to both then my mind would be pretty broad by the time I got back.’
She was a bit of a funny colour at this point so I said, ‘Actually, you look a little peaky, perhaps you should have a holiday too. Except, I know that you and Dad aren’t really money-making go-getters, so perhaps it would be more sensible if you went somewhere closer to home. Maybe you could stay with Aunt Joyce?’
