by Andi Loveall
“What were you going to do, let me sit here falling more in love with you like the world’s biggest douchebag until the clock finally ticked down to nothing?”
“I didn’t have a plan. I liked not having a plan.”
“Yeah, well. Sorry to ruin that for you.”
“Can’t we just go back to taking it slow?”
“I am going slow,” he said, huffy. “If it were up to me, you’d be pregnant with our third child by now.”
It made her smile, but only a little. The quiet filled the room again, and this time, it didn’t go away. She lay back down. He tried to go back to his writing. But all he could do was stare at the blank page.
***
“You tried to have the talk already?” Lucius let out a long sigh and then went back to chopping olives. “Brother …”
“I know.”
“Once you face the reality of the situation, there’s no turning back.”
“And what is the reality of the situation?”
“You’re leaving. She’s not. She’s going to university in the fall. You’re not.”
“What is university, a magical planet where spaceships can’t land because it’s invisible? Someplace I couldn’t possibly go because the only way in is being selected by the high council of authority? Is that how it is with university? Because last I checked, people in college could date who they wanted.”
“Brother, relax. You’re going to give yourself an aneurysm. Look—I think staying tight is great if that’s what you both want to do. But personally, I agree that in the sense of going to India, you’ll have a better time if you go without any commitments back home.”
“It’s not a matter of commitment. I love her.”
“I know. I loved my ex-girlfriend Anna, too. But if I could go back in time, I’d kiss her goodbye and be left with a beautiful memory instead of fighting our breakup the way I did. Had she been the woman I was meant to marry, we would have missed each other and gotten back together somehow. But we didn’t, and eventually, I had to move on.”
“Cora isn’t Anna, dude.”
“I know. I’m just saying, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back—”
“Yeah, yeah. Gag me.”
He sighed, gazing out the window. Cora and Rocky were over by the picnic table moving around some potted plants. She said something to him and pointed, and then she said something else and smiled. Devin’s stomach turned.
“I can’t believe how ballsy he is,” he said. “There! Did you see that? He just checked out her ass.”
“I hate to break it to you, brother, but we all check out her ass. Even Panky.”
“Ha-ha.”
“Don’t worry,” Lucius said. “He’s half the man you are.”
“I’m not worried. Did I say I was worried? I just said I don’t like the cat.”
“Okay, okay. But look, I really am sorry about yesterday. I had no idea we’d be interrupting you at such a pivotal moment in your relationship. Again.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said, grabbing the compost bucket and heading for the door. “She wasn’t gonna say it back.”
He pushed out the door, biting through a grimace as the bucket banged against his shin. Rocky gave him an unfriendly little nod and Cora ignored him altogether, focusing her eyes on the plants.
He went around back and added the bucket to the mounds of rot. He took his time as he turned the pile and waited to see if she would come over and talk to him. She didn’t. He took the empty bucket and headed back, finding them watering the plants along the path to the greenhouse.
Rocky was watching him, a funny little smirk on his face.
“Hey diamond boy!” he shouted. “Check this out!”
Devin stopped in place, watching as Rocky aimed the hose at Cora and squirted.
“Agh!” Cora sputtered, shielding herself.
“Whoops!”
Devin blinked. He knew he should be angry, but the sight of this blatant act of antagonism was simply too stupefying. Bafflement poured over his brain like maple syrup, numbing all of his pathways. Everything was far away and murky. Time slowed to a stop.
Then, Rocky looked right into his eyes and smirked.
The universe swooshed away and then slammed back in, the far-off murkiness becoming something crystal clear and vicious. He felt the rage steaming out his nostrils, boiling his blood and searing his skin.
He threw the bucket at the ground. It landed with a clarrrnk and went rolling. Before it came to a stop, he was across the yard.
“What?” Devin charged up, giving him a shove and sending him stumbling backward. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Rocky just laughed, bouncing up and down. “Hey tough guy. Am I supposed to be scared? You gonna break my nose?”
“Devin, it’s okay.” Cora was trying to get in between them. “Come on, let’s go for a walk.”
“Your whole deal man … ” Rocky spit on the ground and made a pitiful face. “It isn’t working.”
“You don’t know anything about my deal, man. You’ve been sniffing around my girl like a diseased dog since you got here, and it stops today, you understand?”
“I understand,” he said, manhandling his balls. “But check where your girl is gonna be sniffing around just as soon as she’s done with you. And if you ask me, it looks like she’s pretty close.”
He swung, smashing his fist into Rocky’s jaw. Clunkmp. That was what it sounded like.
It was chaos. He ducked and dodged fists until he caught one in the cheekbone. That made him really mad. He clawed forth, blinded by the pain. Cora was screaming for them to stop, and Raven was yelling for Walter.
“Hey!” Lucius was flying toward them. “Hey, hey, hey!”
Devin felt arms wrapping around him and pulling him back. A second later, Walter was there, hauling Rocky in the opposite direction.
“What’s going on here?” Walter said.
“This is atrocious behavior!” Raven was crying. “You two should know better! And so close to the kitchen …”
“He started it! That was assault, man!”
“You should have seen what he did!”
“I’m pressing charges.”
“You would, you little bitch.”
“Enough,” Raven said. “I’m very disappointed in you both.”
Panky appeared at the back door, phone at her ear.
“Hold on, people are fighting outside … ” She held her hand over the receiver. “What did I miss?”
No one answered. Devin turned to Cora, still breathing hard. He waited for her to defend him, but she was quiet.
He grimaced, pressing his lips together. Well wasn’t that just perfect.
He struggled out of Lucius’s grip and took off up the trail. Screw it all. Rocky was a sociopath, and there was something wrong with these people if they couldn’t see it. That smug little way he smiled at him … what a freak.
He slowed his pace and looked back over his shoulder. Nothing.
Just yesterday, Cora adored him. Had she now decided that he didn’t deserve to be checked on after receiving a blow to the skull? And for what, him not being okay with some loser disrespecting her? Inviting her to India on his dime? Loving her?
Follow your heart, they say. Speak what you feel, they say. They were lying sacks of shit.
He heard footsteps on the trail and spun around to see Walter headed his way. Great, now he was about to be canned.
“Walter. Look, I know I messed up …”
Walter raised a finger to quiet him. “Whaddaya think then? Should we send the boy packing?”
“Him?” Devin stared at him. “Or me?”
“He’s the one I was referring to.”
“Yeah?” He breathed, relief coursing through his veins. “Look, he was being disrespectful to Cora—”
“I don’t need to hear the details. I’ve got eyes to see myself, you know.”
“So I’m not in trouble?”
“Aye, well … It isn’t as if I haven’t had a fight or two in my time. A fight or twenty is more like it, eh?” Walter laughed and did a little one-two punch in the air. “The wife’s a bit miffed, but she’ll get past it—she really does love the piss out of you.”
“And what about Cora?”
“It’s for you to work that one out.” Walter clapped him on the shoulder and motioned before ducking out of the conversation.
Devin turned and saw her coming up the hill, eyes poisonous.
“Raven’s never gonna forgive you,” she said, storming past him.
He watched her disappear into the cabin, stunned at her cold demeanor. Shaking his head, he went into the kitchen and got some ice from the freezer. Then he went to talk to her.
“I’m fine, by the way,” he said, coming in the door and letting it slam behind him. “Thanks for asking.”
She was lying on the bed, staring off into space and ignoring him. He sat next to her and looked at the ground with his one good eye, holding the ice pack over the other.
“Raven will forgive me,” he said. “Even Walter said so. Anyway, it shouldn’t be anything to forgive. Sometimes an idiot needs to be taught a lesson.”
“You didn’t teach him anything besides violence.”
“Oh, lay off it … What, do you come from a magical land where there’s never any anger? A land composed entirely of schoolgirls who like dollies and tea parties? Fights happen, Cora—and maybe I’m crazy, but I thought you’d be on my side here.”
“You’re mad that I don’t want to go to India,” she said. “And you’re taking it out on him.”
“Are you serious?” He scoffed, taking her by the shoulders. “Okay, Cora? Listen to me. I don’t give a fuck about India. Stop trying to make this about me and my stupid dream, because I’ll cancel the stupid trip right now. You’re the one using this as an excuse to bail.”
“You’re right, I’m such a bitch.” The tears were welling in her eyes. “I guess you want to break it off with me then?”
“I want to break it off? Me?”
“Stop blaming me!”
“It is you!” He grimaced at the sound of his voice.
A tear spilled down her cheek. He watched her, wishing she would cry harder, picturing her falling to her knees and sobbing apologies. She didn’t. One tear was all he got, and it was quickly wiped away. He had once cut his tongue on a sharp piece of ice as a kid, and the look on her face reminded him of the way that felt. His heart was a cardboard box: empty and dry.
“ … I need some time to think.”
“What does that mean? You want to be alone in here?”
She nodded.
“Fine,” he said. “I’ll move out.”
He threw down the ice pack and slammed his way outside. Lucius was a blur in his vision as he charged by.
“Hey! Are you all right?”
Devin ignored him and headed up the trail toward the falls, keeping his eyes peeled for something sharp and jagged on which to impale himself. If he couldn’t find something, his only hope would be to run into some sort of backwoods lunatic and end up dismembered alive, leaving Cora to spend the rest of her life lamenting the way she rejected his love.
God, it seemed so stupid now. He couldn’t stand the thought of it. He couldn’t stand himself. Never again would he speak of his love for a woman. If he ever felt the urge to speak of his love for a woman, he would nail his tongue to the roof of his mouth to stop himself. What was he thinking, anyway? Of course Cora didn’t love him.
When he got to the waterfall, he climbed to the top and sat on the ledge in a sniffling lump. What the hell just happened? Everything was so great, and then …
He rubbed his eyes and looked up at the pale crescent moon, barely visible in the sky above the tree line. It reminded him of an obese little man stumbling back toward the earth after a fancy party with the stars, stuffed with shrimp cocktails and expensive wine.
“Look at you,” it sneered down at him. “You’ve gone and ruined everything.”
Devin sighed. It wouldn’t be the first time.
The way he saw it, there were two distinct avenues he could take here.
His first option would be to chalk it all up to lust and move on to travel the world with Lucius, dipping his condom-wrapped dick in as much vagina as possible along the way. He would become hollow, and maybe he would go through some sort of artistic mental breakdown, speaking only in poetry and smoking cigarettes as he fucked some gorgeous woman in the light of dawn.
His next option would be to give up whatever pride he had left, crawl back to Cora, and beg her to be with him. He didn’t care if she only wanted to use him for sex one hour a day and spend the other twenty-three hours beating him—he just wanted to be hers. He wanted option two, but it was too terrible a mental picture, him crying on his knees and her still saying no.
He picked up a rock and tossed it over the edge, waiting for the splash when it hit the water below. Donk. Kssh. That was what it sounded like.
***
Going to the tailgate market with Walter and Raven was supposed to be taking his mind off things, but the rows of white-topped tents and crowds of people were doing the opposite. Every time he looked around, he couldn’t help switching things up. The rock band playing at the end of the block became a group of Sikh folk musicians, the hot dogs and beer were replaced with mountains of kebabs and steaming pots of curry, and the American families turned into groups of exotic and mysterious foreigners. He was a mysterious foreigner himself, young and full of promise.
He imagined himself moving through a bustling street market with everything he owned strapped to his back and nothing on his mind but the path ahead. Many others had walked that path, and now their faces bobbed past him by the hundreds, some smiling, some frowning, some completely void, like ghosts who had long ago forgotten both the joys and sorrows of human life. The air was hot and sticky, and even though he was surrounded by life, he was alone.
Or … maybe not. Maybe Cora was there. Yep, Cora definitely was there, in all of her shiny blond glory. Together, they explored the market and then hopped a bus, found a quiet beach, rented a bungalow, and proceeded to waste the days away in the sun. They would have lived forever in this third-world paradise, playing in the sea and making love on the sand in the crashing waves if it hadn’t been for one important factor: the twenty-foot octopus that emerged from the sea in search of land food at least once a week.
As Devin was being devoured alive, he could only think one thing: I should have bought a guidebook.
“Here, honey.”
He opened his eyes, glad to have the daydream interrupted. Raven was looking at him, holding up an empty wooden box. He took it from her, catching a nasty splinter under his thumbnail in the process. It didn’t compare to the pain of being eaten by an angry cephalopod, but it still hurt like a bitch. Just like Cora showing up in all of his daydreams.
He couldn’t stop thinking about her, and he found that the only imaginative force strong enough to outweigh his mental lust for her was his ability to create flesh-eating monsters. Usually he used the giant octopus, but sometimes he just pictured a giant fault line cracking open and sucking everything down into the fires of hell.
A time machine would be nice. That way, he could go back and punch himself in the balls the moment before he said those three horrible words.
After he had finished moping in the woods that day, he had packed up his things and headed over to the only other cabin with an empty bed, where Panky was in the middle of a nap. She opened the door after the third knock, her eyes puffy and annoyed. When she saw the pile of stuff in his arms, she nodded “okay” and crawled back into bed. The pathetic look on his face must have been explanation enough.
Time to think. It sounded so reasonable, as if Cora was going to meditate in the woods for an hour and return to proclaim her love for him. Instead, it meant avoiding him altogether, which she was pretty good at considering the many areas they
cohabitated. She didn’t talk much during meals and neither did he, and it was clear that everyone else could feel the awkwardness. He wanted to make it right, but every time he almost got the chance to talk to her, something would distract him and poof—she was gone. He tried knocking on her door a few times, but she never answered. When he went in anyway, she yelled at him to get out, and after he made her cry one night, he gave up.
She was, however, still speaking with Rocky. Walter had decided to give the kid another chance to “calm his getup.” That wasn’t a problem for Rocky now that he had the opening he was after since day one. He followed Cora everywhere, being all helpful and respectful. It was gross.
“Don’t you worry, honey,” Raven said, comforting him. “She’ll come around. You just think about you. This is your summer.”
As it turned out, Raven was a lot more forgiving than Cora. That morning, before they left for the tailgate market, she had sat him down and put him through a long, complicated talk about violence, why violence is bad, and what sort of violence he had seen in his lifetime. It became obvious that she wasn’t going to give up until he shared something, and he had to dig around in his memory for some good violent stories. He was bullied in middle school, but it was the run-of-the-mill sort of bullying you would see in a comedy film, not the modern brand of cyber harassment that drives kids to suicide. He got into a handful of fights in high school, but most of them were just a lot of chest puffing and shoving, and they were usually broken up before anyone did any major damage. He didn’t want to bring up getting spanked, or worse, any of the times Leon broke one of their toys in a fit of rage. The thought made him remember the treehouse, which was the centerpiece of the backyard for over ten years when Leon decided they were too big for it and tore it down. They had crouched down by the far side of the house, crying in silence as Leon ripped the thing apart, grunting and cursing and kicking the boards until they snapped and fell. He didn’t think they were watching, but they were. They were always watching. After the cancer showed up, they had nothing to do but sit and watch the ship sink.
