“What’s that?” Georgia was looking around Candace to see what I had.
“That’s … wait. Is that the picture of the baby?” Candace asked.
“Yup. I just took a picture of it to send to Jeff.”
“You know we want to see it.”
We sat down at the table in the break area, and they passed the picture back and forth between each other.
“Do you know if it’s a boy or girl yet?” Candace asked.
“No, not yet. The technician said I’d need another ultrasound in a couple months.”
“Are you going to find out?” Georgia asked as she stared at the picture of the baby.
“Yeah, I am. I want to know.”
“What if Jeff says he doesn’t want to know and tells you not to find out?” Candace asked. Georgia passed the picture back to Candace.
“Ugh, I never thought of that. I don’t know what I’ll do if he says something like that.” I took a sip of my coffee. “Maybe I’ll find out and just not tell him.” We laughed as the picture was handed back to me. “I better get back to my desk, though. I’ve had all this time off and now more with the baby. I don’t need Jack getting pissy with me.”
“Yeah, we need to get back to work, too. We’ll see you later,” Candace said.
Just before four thirty, I called the doctor’s office and talked to his nurse. She told me pretty much the same thing the technician had said. The baby was developing just fine, the measurements were consistent with the estimated dates of conception, and the due date was still July twenty-seventh.
I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something about the dates was unnerving.
Chapter 14
I sat up, jumping out of my sleep. My hands were shaking, and I was holding my breath. I couldn’t see anything; the room was jet black.
“No!” I forced out. My breaths burned my lungs as they burst in and out of my mouth. Sweat was dripping from my hairline. I could only imagine every bit of color had drained from my face. I couldn’t remember very much that had scared me this much before.
I’d had a dream that Sky was in the delivery room with me, Jeff was nowhere to be found, and the baby looked exactly like Sky. His mother was there, spewing her venom at me about how I had done it again. I had another baby to trap her son into coming back to me. Hope was there crying and being consoled by Sky’s mom. And my mom stood in a corner just shaking her head in disgust, chanting how much I had disappointed her. She told me I had managed to ruin another marriage.
My body shook as I inhaled deeply, then exhaled. Oh. My. God. That would be a total disaster.
The only reason I could think of that I would have that dream was after I had talked to Jeff and was lying in the bed last night, it had all of a sudden hit me why the dates the doctor gave me were eating at me so much. My last known period was early in October. I definitely remembered Jeff and I having our conversation to come up with the wedding date on Saturday, October thirteenth. It was that next day we had the argument over the prenuptial agreement.
Then, the following Saturday, I had slept with Sky when I dropped off Abby. I was so screwed. What if this baby really was Sky’s? I’d lose Jeff for sure if this wasn’t his child. I’d lose Jeff if he ever found out I had slept with Sky.
I couldn’t lose Jeff.
I couldn’t live without him.
The thought of not having Jeff in my life made it nearly impossible to breathe.
I shook my head. My palms were clammy, and every muscle in my body was tight. I wasn’t even tired any more. I had to figure something out. I needed to know, but paternity tests can’t be done until the baby is born. What was I thinking? I couldn’t get a paternity test. A paternity test was the quickest way to admit I’d been unfaithful. What a twisted mess.
How would I ever know? And when? I dropped my head, completely disgusted by myself. This wasn’t going to affect just me; this would crush so many people.
I felt weak and sick.
It was four thirty-five in the morning, and I was wide awake, but I couldn’t get up. I had to try to go back to sleep for at least another hour and a half. Then I’d be forced to get up for work.
I laid my head back down on the pillow and closed my eyes as I willed myself to go back to sleep. That dream was haunting my thoughts. I couldn’t shake the thought of this baby looking just like Abby and Sky. The tears that lingered in my eyes slid down my face wetting my pillow case.
I pulled Jeff’s pillow into my arms, holding it tight. My tears fell uncontrollably as I inhaled Jeff’s scent.
The alarm clock scared the crap out of me when it went off a little while later. I rubbed my eyes and I quickly realized I was going to dread this day. I wanted nothing more than to lie back down and keep sleeping. At that moment, I asked myself, once again -- why was I still working? I loved my job. Plus, I loved not being dependent on anyone. I pressed the snooze bar, clutched Jeff’s pillow tight to my chest, and pulled the sheet over my head. I never wanted to leave this spot.
The five minutes passed and the alarm blared at me, screaming for me to get up and get ready for work.
After I was dressed, I went and got Abby up. We slowly walked down the stairs, my mind racing.
My life was a conundrum.
I popped the Eggo waffle for Abby in the toaster and included one for myself. I didn’t know why, because I wasn’t hungry. When they popped up, I was so deep in thought, Abby called to me to let me know her food was done.
After she ate and we both were ready to go, we left the house so I could drop her off at the day care center. I heard one of the directors of the center talking, but for the life of me, I have absolutely no idea what she said.
The drive into work was done on auto-pilot. I couldn’t tell you what roads I drove on to get to the office.
Luckily, I was a creature of habit and parked in the same general area every day or I wouldn’t have been able to find my car after work.
I walked in the building and rode up the elevator with several other people. I moved back against the elevator wall and tried to shrink as low as possible. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to be there. I had considered faking being sick so I could just go home.
****
I managed to keep a low profile and made it through the day. Eyebrows raised when I declined going to lunch. Instead, while they were gone, I raided the vending machine and ate two bags of wavy potato chips, a bag of Doritos, and a lemon pie. Not the best for me, but I knew Candace and Georgia would sense something was wrong if I spent too much time around them.
When I got to the car, I knew a trip to McDonald’s was in order after I picked up Abby. I was starving.
We sat at a small table and ate our food while chatting about her day. She had it so easy. I envied her. I made her food, I washed her clothes, I read bedtime stories to her, and now, I was treating her to McDonald’s. I missed being a kid.
“Can I go play, Mommy?”
“Sure, baby. Have fun. I’ll tell you when it’s time to leave.”
She jumped up and took off running with a little boy on her heels as she let out a high-pitched squeal.
I watched her run off to the pit of plastic balls. I wished I could go back and change things in my past, but I couldn’t. If I could change just one thing, I wished I could go back and change the weekend I slept with both Sky and Jeff. How could I face them? Somehow, some way, I had to figure that out, and fast. Jeff and I were going to Skype later that night, and I couldn’t let him see concern on my face and ask me about it. I had to appear as if everything was normal.
“Excuse me, is that your daughter over there?” My eyes raised to see a younger man, probably a little younger than I, standing before me.
“Yes, she’s mine.” I flashed a toothy proud smile and turned my eyes to watch Abby laughing and tossing the balls in the air. I could see a cute little blond-haired boy in the pit of balls with her, doing the same.
“That’s my son in with her
. She’s very pretty.” I glanced up at the man. This guy was wearing a T-shirt and jeans. He was not much taller than I was, if even that tall. He had chunky sandals on. I detested those big, thick, bulky sandals on men. I had no idea why, I just did.
“Thank you. What a little cutie he is.” I again returned my gaze to the kids. I didn’t want this guy to get the wrong impression. But my attempt failed, and he sat in the seat that had once been occupied by Abby.
“My name is Bill. And you are?” His arm stretched across the table with his hand out for me to shake.
“I’m Nikki.” I was very short with my reply, but I shook his hand.
“Ah, a very nice name. Nikki.”
Where was this going? I wanted to tell him to scram, but not knowing if he was just being nice because our kids were playing or if he was trying to pick me up, I decided to bite my tongue and see if he would make a move.
“So, Nikki, are you dating anyone or married?” And there it was.
“Yes.” I flashed my ring at him. “Happily married. A newlywed, in fact.”
“Well, congratulations.” The color of his cheeks became pink.
“Thank you.” I didn’t want to get engaged in a lengthy conversation about our personal lives. I wasn’t interested in his marital status, but I gathered from his reaction he wasn’t married. I was ready to get Abby and leave.
As if she read my mind, she tumbled out of the ball pit and walked over to me, hugging my arm. “I’m ready to go,” she whispered to me, peeking around me to see the stranger sitting in her seat.
I smoothed her static-filled hair. “Okay, we can go.” I bent to pick up my purse and stood, lifting her onto my hip before turning to Bill, who was now standing as well. “It was nice to meet you, Bill.”
“It was nice to meet you, too.” He smiled at Abby, but she buried her face in my shoulder.
I loved not having to cook when we got home. I took Abby up to take her bath, then we returned to the living room and watched Nickelodeon until she fell asleep. Her internal clock was set to have her fast asleep by eight thirty. A few minutes after I got her tucked in, I got my laptop and returned to my bedroom to talk with Jeff.
Chapter 15
I had decided I couldn’t allow myself to be sucked into worrying about paternity right now, or at any time before I had this baby. I believed Jeff was the father. I had to believe Jeff was the father. He believed it, and Sky had not questioned it. Why would he? Neither one would know anything different until I was able to figure out how to determine anything that proved otherwise. And there was no way I wanted to wake out of my sleep or go through another mental breakdown about that concern again. The last time was worse than the night I had that nightmare.
I had a day where the thought of Sky being the father had completely consumed me. The morning had started out normal, like any other day. Then, about an hour into my work day, it spiraled to beyond horrible. I couldn’t concentrate anymore at work. I tried desperately to shake the thought from my mind, but I couldn’t. Everything I did somehow brought my thoughts back to that nightmare where the baby looked exactly like Sky. I had felt like I was having a nightmare while awake. I felt like everyone was staring at me, judging me because paternity wasn’t one hundred percent known. I thought I was suffering from some form of psychosis.
The most horrifying thought of the whole episode was that I’d lost Jeff. I watched his back as he walked away from me. In my mind, I heard Hope laughing at me. She had called me a silly bitch and told me I’d never get Sky back, even if he was the father, and that I didn’t deserve a man like Jeff.
By mid-day, when I was asked if I wanted to go to lunch, I broke down in tears. Candace and Georgia reluctantly went without me, at my insistence. I needed them away from me. I was going crazy and I had no intention of telling them what I had been thinking about. They felt a little better when I asked them to bring me back two slices of pizza.
By the time they returned, I was fine. Well, as fine as a possibly psychotic person can be. But I wasn’t crying and I wasn’t hallucinating anymore. When they asked me what happened and why I had been so upset, I blamed my breakdown on the stress of figuring out what to do for Jeff’s birthday and my jacked-up hormones.
When Sky and Hope came to pick up Abby Friday night after Sky got off work, I scowled at Hope with renewed hate in my heart. After they left, I had to calm myself back down and convince myself that it wasn’t real. The dream and that fucked up day weren’t real.
Please, God, please, let Jeff be the father.
****
The next two months went by relatively fast. Hope had finally gotten moved in with Sky. A week before her move-in, Sky and I had made the changes to our agreement official for the visitation. He would get Abby every other weekend. If anything came up and he wanted her, he just needed to let me know. I thought it was best for us to keep some distance between us. Plus, I knew he’d want to spend time alone with Hope on weekends. It was a fair agreement for all of us, I thought. I was surprised he hadn’t brought it up. He didn’t seem to mind too much. The one who didn’t understand the change the first couple of weekends was Abby, but she’d adjusted since then.
Each of my checkups went pretty much the same, still healthy as a horse and I was gaining weight like one. I had added on eight pounds one month and ten pounds the next. I knew my near nightly stops at McDonald’s were to blame, but it gave me and Abby a chance to talk and eat without the hassle of me cooking and cleaning up. I had gained nearly thirty pounds so far. Way more than I would have guessed. I had hoped to only have gained thirty pounds during the entire pregnancy. So much for that.
I had my appointment the next day to get my ultrasound. Jeff had planned to be there for it, but Sandy was sick, and they needed Jeff to cover for him. That sucked. I really had hoped he could have been by my side when the doctor told us whether we were having a boy or a girl. Mom was going to go with me now. She was busting at the seams to find out what her new grand baby would be.
I had the third appointment of the morning. With any luck at all, I would be seen close to my scheduled time.
Jeff told me to call him as soon as I left the doctor’s office. He was in a meeting all morning, but said he would take my call no matter what.
I woke in the morning earlier than my alarm was set to go off. I was so excited. I hoped the doctors said I was having a boy. I’d have a perfect family if Jeff said no to more children. Plus, the idea of a mini-Jeff tearing around the house would be awesome. I had dreamed of a handsome little boy, with dark hair and those dreamy eyes, on more than one occasion. He would be tall, like his dad, taller than the other kids his age, and much stronger, too.
I took a shower and got dressed. I hated maternity clothes. I couldn’t wait to fit back into my old clothes that had been packed up to make room for my new wardrobe.
My phone rang while I was combing my hair, startling me. I looked at the caller ID before answering.
I was so thrilled to see Jeff calling me. My heart lurched as I answered. “Hey, baby.”
“How’s my sweet thing doing this morning?”
I blushed. “I’m doing fine. The only thing that would be better would be having you here with me.”
“I wish I were there, too. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. I can't wait to hear the news.”
“I love you, too. And I’ll call as soon as I can.”
“Perfect. I won’t hold you, I know you have to get Abby ready. I’ll talk to you soon. Give her a kiss for me.”
“Okay, baby. I will. Bye.” I hung up and clutched my phone to my chest.
I worked to get Abby up and ready so we could get moving. After dropping her off at the day care, I drove over to Mom’s house, where she greeted me with a cup of coffee. We sat and watched some of the morning news program with Jim. After I finished my coffee, I drank a glass of water, then we said goodbye to him and left.
“Are you feeling okay? You look like you’re gaining a pretty good am
ount of weight.” Mom sounded like a combination of amused and appalled. She had commented throughout my pregnancy with Abby that she didn’t think I was eating enough. She was always offering to bring food over to us and invited us to dinner on the weekends. Sky and I went, not because we didn’t have food, but we both thought if she was going to cook, why not take advantage of her generosity.
“I’m holding a lot of water today.” I laughed at my terrible joke. I better watch laughing too hard; I might pee myself. “I feel fine. And, yeah, my weight.” I rubbed my hand across my tummy. “I just hope he or she is a big baby, because I’m really packing it on this time.”
“Are you watching what you eat or are you eating everything in sight?” Ugh! I couldn’t tell her my after work ritual; she would chastise me for sure.
“I’m trying to watch what I eat, but I take Abby to McDonald’s every now and then on our way home. It’s so much harder this time.”
“You know you haven’t even gotten to the months that you’ll gain the most. You have two and a half more months to go.”
“I know, I know. Please, don’t remind me.”
“As long as the baby is healthy, that’s what matters. If you’re eating everything in sight, there’s bound to be enough nutritional value to share with my grandbaby.” She chuckled. She actually sat there and laughed as if that was a joke.
I’m getting fat as fuck and she’s laughing at me.
“I guess I’ll just have to work extra hard to get it off.”
“You’re still young; you shouldn’t have any problem. And, honey, try to stay away from McDonald’s.”
Ugh! I really didn’t need a lecture on weight right now. I couldn’t go on a diet, and I was only going to get bigger. Not only that, there were only two more weeks until Jeff’s company picnic -- more food. I drank the last couple of gulps from my water bottle.
I turned into the parking lot and found a spot somewhat close to the door. We walked through the double doors and down the hallway to the office. After checking in, we sat and flipped through the pages of the magazines, anxiously waiting to be called back. I checked the clock -- shit, it was twenty minutes past my appointment time, and I really needed to pee.
Jaded By Desire (Lust, Desire, and Love Trilogy Book 2) Page 12
