by D. K Lake
My eyes drift back to the closet again.
Double dammit.
I throw my book on the bed and fall back on the pillow, letting out a frustrated sigh. A million what-ifs come rushing back to me and my mind drifts to another place. Another time. Another memory. Another life. A time when I thought Dario and I were going to end up together.
Chapter 8
One year ago...
I couldn't believe I was doing this. After months of silence, Dario had finally gotten in touch and we had been talking and I had suggested we meet up. He'd told me he'd been busy, and I didn't ask too many questions. I knew not to. He didn't talk about his life much, but I knew it wasn't a walk in the park. He lived in a tiny two-bedroom property with his mom and little sister and their abusive stepfather, but he only ever picked on Dario. The number of times he'd shown up at work with marks on his face, but I knew better than to ask questions.
My hands shook as I started Mom's car. She was out of town with her boyfriend, Ned, on a business trip and my sister had moved out and was living with her new boyfriend. I was alone for the weekend and I’m not quite sure what came over me when I asked Dario to meet me. I was feeling impulsive which is rare for me. I didn't have to ask twice. Dario had jumped at the chance. I wanted to see him. I had missed him more than I liked to admit. I wasn't a clingy or needy kinda girl, but I was missing him like mad. I missed his smile. I missed his laugh. I missed his dirty jokes. I missed him every day.
We had arranged to meet at a motel halfway between Nebraska and Colorado. I just prayed my mom never checked her miles. She was a bit of a freak like that.
She didn't say I couldn't use the car. But I'm guessing she wouldn't be too pleased if she found out I was using it to go and meet up with a boy. We would only have today and tonight together as I would have to drive back tomorrow and be home in time before Mom got home. I wasn’t sure what would happen tonight, but I wanted to see him and hang out for a bit, like old times. I was going out of my mind being stuck in this little town called Prairie that Mom had moved us to. It was in the middle of nowhere and there wasn't much to do. I had made friends with a girl called Abby from school, but it wasn't the same. I missed my best friend Emily and I missed my dad. I hated it here.
It had just gone 9 in the morning. I wanted to get to the motel early. I figured I would be there just after lunch if I left now. I slowed down at the end of the drive and set the GPS so I would know which route to take. I had looked at the motel online at school. It was called Riverside View and had good reviews and wasn't as shady as I was expecting. When I thought about any motel, I pictured a dirty bathroom, smelly bedsheets and stains on the carpet. Dario said it would make sense if we booked into a motel for the night so he sorted it out and I just looked it up online to see what the place would be like, counting down the days until we met up.
I had been a nervous wreck all morning, not knowing what to pack. I had never had a sleepover with a boy before. Sleepover? I was almost eighteen and I was calling this a sleepover. But I had never had a sleepover of any kind with a boy. I hadn't even kissed a boy until I met Dario. He was my first kiss. My first crush. Ugh.
My palms started to sweat again when I thought about tonight and what might happen. How far would I let it go? Would we just hang out and watch TV and catch up and it would be like before? Or would we kiss and end up in bed? I hadn't done anything sexual with anyone else other than myself and that was me just being curious more than anything, wondering what all the fuss was about when I overheard girls talking about orgasms and how amazing they were. I was yet to have one. Maybe I was doing it wrong. Or maybe I was broken. Did Dario know about sex? Had he been with girls before? We had never had this conversation before and I'd never seen him with any other girls, but who knows what he got up to after school with his friends. I tried not to think about it too much. But there was a nagging reminder at the back of my head, reminding me he could have been with several girls since I had been gone. He might think tonight is just a bit of fun and nothing more. To me, it wouldn't be. Dario always meant more to me. My feelings for him had only grown over the months I had been gone. Did Dario feel the same way? We hadn't talked much in our messages. It was mainly friendly chit-chat but nothing important. I still remembered the day we left Radley Springs and the way he had held me in his arms before walking away. Did he feel the sparks when I touched him the way I felt the fireworks when he touched me? Was I being silly? I wanted to ask him so many questions, but I had been too shy to dare ask him anything.
But tonight I wouldn't be that girl. I wanted answers. I wanted to know what was going on between us. Are we just friends? Friends don't kiss each other and sneak around and then ignore each other at school.
Grrr.
So many questions.
What if he just wants to be friends? What if he kisses me? What if he wants more? What if we end up in bed together? What if Mom finds out about this?
What if?
What if?
I drove straight there, only stopping at a service stop along the way to use the bathroom and buy a drink. I pulled into the parking lot and scanned the cars, not knowing what car Dario would be driving. He didn't own a car. Although I had seen him driving a white van before.
I parked Mom's car and made sure to leave enough space for someone to park beside me. The last thing I needed was to take the car home with a scratch on it. My mom had beady eyes and would no doubt see it and make a mountain out of a molehill. That woman drove me mad some days. She was so picky and worried over every little thing she didn't need to. My sister thought Mom and I were the same, but what she didn't know is, I was only putting up with Mom and saying what she wanted to hear to keep her off my back. It was a lot easier to go along with whatever my mom wanted than to go against her and my sister learned that the hard way.
I stayed in the car and nervously tapped my fingers on the steering wheel. I pulled out my phone and was about to send him a message to see if he would be here soon when there was a knock on the window that made me jump.
Dario was bent over with one hand on the roof of the car and was wiggling his fingers at me as he smiled at me through the window. I smiled back and he opened the door for me.
"Hey." he said, offering me his hand.
I held onto him and let him pull me out of the car and straight into his arms which surprised me. I took advantage of the moment and buried my face in his t-shirt and slid my arms around his waist. His arms felt safe and his smell was familiar.
Deodorant.
Musk.
Woodsy.
Cigarette smoke.
The smells I associated with Dario.
"How was the journey?" he asked, his chin resting on top of my head.
"Okay. How long have you been here?"
"I uh..." he laughed under his breath. "I arrived last night. I wanted to make sure I was awake by the time you arrived."
"Oh, you slept here?" I asked, pulling away.
"Uh-huh." He smiled down at me, running his thumb over my cheek.
I wasn't used to this side of Dario. Hello hugs and tender gestures, but it's not like there was anyone to see us. We could do whatever we wanted here with no worries of being caught.
"How did you get here?"
"Borrowed a car." He stuck his thumb in the direction of a white banger of a car that I had never seen before.
"Whose is that?"
"Borrowed it from the garage. It's a spare." he said vaguely. "We're in room 19." he changed the subject.
I nodded. "I just need my bag." I turned to get my bag and Dario ducked in front of me.
"Let me get that for you," He reached across the console and lifted out my schoolbag. I had packed a few things not knowing what I would need. I knew it was only one night, but I still needed a toothbrush and some clean knickers.
"Thanks." I took my bag from him and he nodded his head at the motel.
"We're on the first floor."
I locked the car and foll
owed Dario across the parking lot and up the stairs to the first floor. He was wearing his Led Zeppelin band tee that I had seen him wear many times before and the same jeans he always wore that had a rip in one knee, and a pair of beige worker boots. His hair had been cut shorter but was still long enough to tie into a knot.
He slowed down and stopped at room 19 and pulled out a key and unlocked the door, inviting me in first. I stepped inside and took a moment to look around. The decor was yellow and refreshing, and I could smell vanilla. The bedsheets looked clean and there were fresh towels on the side. I felt silly for packing my own towel now.
I spotted Dario's school bag on the floor by the bed and wondered what he had brought with him.
I set my bag down on the chair and turned around and found Dario smiling at me. His smile was warm and comforting. I was unsure about coming here but when he smiled at me like that, I knew I'd made the right choice. I didn't know what would happen tonight, I just knew I wanted to be with Dario. I wanted everything with him but knowing we didn't have long; we'd just have to make do with tonight and see where it takes us...
Chapter 9
My first week at college passes quickly. I meet new people. I get on with my coursework. I introduce myself to all my professors. I check out new clubs. I explore the campus. Maverick talks to me before class most mornings and asks me about the party on Friday every time. I still haven't made up my mind though. I read through Pride and Prejudice and manage to give myself a papercut. On Thursday it rains. And by Friday the gift bag inside the closet felt like a ticking time bomb about to go off. I needed to do something about it. Like, dispose of it.
We had just finished classes for the day and were heading back to the dorms. It’s the start of the weekend and most of the students are already messing about in the hallway, partying and drinking early. I lose Em inside one of the rooms with a group of other girls and head back to our dorm on my own. But my feet slow down when I see a familiar pair of long legs stretched out across the hallway floor. Dario sits with his back against my door, looking at something on his phone, wearing his usual; baggy jeans and a white t-shirt with his leather jacket over the top. He looks up from his phone and sees me coming and climbs to his feet.
"What are you doing here?" I ask, nudging him out of the way so I can unlock the door. He even smells good.
Stop it!
"One sec. I'm just trying to ring someone, but her phone is off and has been all week." he says, giving me a look.
I shake my head and step inside the room and try to shut the door on him but he pushes his way inside.
"Where's the phone I bought you?" he asks, dropping down onto my bed and making himself comfortable. He lays down and crosses his ankles and rests his arms behind his head.
"This is comfy." He smiles at me and I drop my bag on the floor. I swing open the closet and snatch up the gift bag, then I toss it on the bed beside him.
"I don't want it. Take it and leave." I say, holding the door open for him.
"It was a gift." He sits back up and slides his legs over the side of my bed.
"Can you please leave? Or do I need to call campus security?"
"And how would you do that without a phone?" he teases with a smile.
"Come on, I've got an essay to write and lots to get done." I put my hand on my hip.
He needs to leave. He can’t keep showing up here like this. How can I forget about him if he’s always around?
"Paige, can we talk? Please." he asks softly.
"No. I don't want to talk. I don't want anything to do with you. Please leave."
"Why are you being like this? What did I do wrong?"
Damn him.
"You didn't do anything wrong. I just don't…like you anymore." I blurt.
He laughs darkly. "That's cold, P. Even for you."
"I already told you it was a mistake. We were drunk-"
"Not that drunk." he reminds.
"Look, it doesn't matter. It didn't mean anything."
"Was it because I asked you to move in with me?"
"No." I say, fidgeting, glancing back out into the hallway to make sure no one is listening.
"Did I scare you off?"
"No."
"Then what is it? We made plans that night in the motel and then you left, and then I never heard from you again. What changed?" he asks, his tone changing to that of desperation as he climbs off the bed, running a hand over his head.
"I already explained this. It was a mistake! I was drunk and didn't know what I wanted."
"You wanted a life with me, or have you forgotten what we talked about?" he says, stalking over to me and he gets in front of me. "I know there's something you're not telling me."
"I'm not. I told you everything. I changed my mind!"
"You're lying." he growls. "I wanna know what happened after you left the motel? Was it your mom? Did she find out about you coming to see me?"
"Just go." I plead.
"I'm not going to let this go. Not until you tell me why you've been ignoring me this past year. I've waited over a year for you to come back and I'm not leaving you alone until you tell me what the fuck happened last year?" he warns.
Someone clears their throat behind us. I tear my eyes away from Dario and see Em hovering in the doorway.
"Hey guys, is everything all right?" she asks hesitantly.
"Everything is fine. Dario was just leaving." I stick my chin out and try to appear taller.
Em slips behind me and wanders over to her bed and sits down.
"I'm not leaving until you switch on that phone. We still have things to talk about. You want me gone, then you'll switch it on before I leave. It's not safe walking around without a cell. Anyone could try anything. This place is full of frat boys. I need to know you're safe."
"Gawwd." I groan.
"He has a point." Em mumbles from behind me.
"Fine! If it means you'll leave, then I'll switch the damn thing on." I march across the room and lift out the box and fumble around with it until I have the phone in my hand. "See! Switching it on."
Dario folds his arms, watching me closely as I turn on the phone. "Keep it on you." he orders before turning to leave.
I scowl at the back of his head, and then an idea pops into my head. I know I'll probably regret it, but he started this.
"Em, where's Maverick's number? I can't remember where I put it. I wanted to message him about that party tonight." I say nonchalantly.
"Oh, gawwd." Em mutters under her breath.
Dario laughs and stops in the doorway and turns back to look at me. "Maverick Wilder? Are you kidding me?"
"Oh, you know him?" I say, flipping open my notebook and locating his number.
"He was the douchebag transfer in high school." Dario laughs.
"So you do know him? Yeah…he’s a nice guy, right? He invited me out tonight and I think I just changed my mind about staying in."
"Why are you doing this?" he asks, half-pleads, watching me.
"What?" I ask, playing dumb, typing out a short message.
Dario looks at Em but she stays out of it.
"Fine. Whatever. I'm outta here." He stalks out of the room just as I hit send.
I glance over at Em to find her giving me this look.
"Stop it." I snap.
"You did that on purpose to upset him."
"Well, it got him to leave, didn't it? Anyway, he started it. I told him I didn't want the stupid phone."
"Paige," she says softly. "None of what happened last year is his fault."
I look up at my friend and frown at her.
"Okay, that came out wrong. Maybe he is to blame for some of it, but your mom is the one that made you go through with it and sent you to that private all-girls school. You shouldn't be so hard on him. He doesn't know what happened. He doesn't understand why you're angry. Why you blame yourself for what happened. I know you're afraid to tell him because you think he'll be mad with you."
"He will be m
ad. Mad I didn't leave and get away from there as soon as I could." I turn away from her. "Maybe I should have told my mom to go to hell and left when I had the chance." I mutter.
"You were seventeen. Too young to know what to do, Paige. Your mom was only doing what she thought was best for you."
"I know. I get it. But I'm still mad at her for the whole thing…I don't know if I will ever get over it."
"Just remember he doesn't know why you're hurting. You can't keep taking it out on him."
"I wouldn't have to if he'd just stay away from me. I never asked him to come here."
"He hasn't seen you in over a year. And you expect him to stay away?"
"I thought he would have moved on by now. What more do I need to do or say to get him to leave me alone?"
"I know how you feel about him, and I don't think his feelings for you have changed either. You should tell him the truth."
"I can't! I hate talking about it. I hate myself because of it. I don't want him to hate me, too."
"He wouldn't hate you. He loves you."
"I wish he didn't." I fall onto my bed and let out a sigh.
"Do you?"
"We're not right for each other."
"Says who?" She comes over to my bed and sits on the edge next to me.
"Because! I'm not an idiot, I know what he does to make money. He's not an honest person, Em." I hug my legs to my chest.
"And does it make a difference to how you feel about him?" she asks, and I don't answer. "I didn't think so. You're only staying away from him because you think you need to, but it's not what you really want. Who cares how he earns his money? So, what if he sells drugs on the side, or whatever shit he does to make money?"
"I'm sure the police would care." I say, looking through the phone and noticing Dario has already added himself as a contact. Of course.
