by Kaja Foglio
Wooster collected his thoughts. “Castle Heterodyne is purported to be a single, gigantic mechanism. In its heyday, it was apparently one of the Seven Mad Wonders of the World.7 Details are a little sketchy, as the Heterodyne Boys never talked about it much and their predecessors didn’t encourage tourism. But from anecdotal evidence, it was quite amazing.
“Overnight guests spoke of awakening to discover their rooms in a completely different part of the castle. There were reports of mysterious voices and invisible servants. Intruders found themselves lost inside it for weeks, if they didn’t disappear entirely.
“After the attack, it lay broken and abandoned for years. The locals refused to go near it.
“Eventually a young professor from Transylvania Polygnostic University led a team of researchers inside.8 Their objectives were the Great Library and any other research notes they could salvage.
“Once they were deep inside, the Castle spoke to them. It demanded to be repaired. One of the team members spoke up against the idea, and the Castle made it clear that this was not a request.
“Six months later, one of the assistants finally emerged, much the worse for wear. In that time, the town had been taken by the Baron. The assistant explained that the Castle was directing its own repairs, but in an extremely haphazard manner. The job would take years.
“The food stores had run out and the assistant had been sent out to procure more food, tools, materials, and, if possible, more labor.
“The Baron had an idea. He managed to negotiate with the Castle, who actually remembered him as an associate of the Heterodyne Boys, and he got the professor and his remaining people out.
“To replace them, he offered to send in actual Sparks, which the Castle could direct as it saw fit. Ever since then, the Baron has used it as the ultimate punishment detail. I have to assume that once it’s been made safe, he plans on looting it himself.”
Wooster sat back and took another drink. Agatha slowly shook her head. “I’ve never heard about any of this.” She paused. “One of the Heterodyne Boys novels,9 The Heterodyne Boys and the 20,000 League Boots, mentions that they had an invisible servant in their castle, but that was one of the parts I never took seriously.”
Wooster nodded. “It is easy enough for the Baron to keep it a secret, of sorts. Those people who don’t believe that the place is haunted just think that the place is full of booby traps.”
Agatha frowned. “But the Baron has had people working inside it for how long?”
Wooster did a quick calculation in his head. “Almost fourteen years, I believe.”
“And people believe the place is still booby trapped after fourteen years?”
Wooster nodded. “Who is going to tell them otherwise? The locals? This is Castle Heterodyne. It’s a point of pride for them.”
Agatha sat back. “Well, if it remembered the Baron, perhaps—”
At that moment, Krosp dashed around a corner, scrambled under the chair of the old man reading his paper, and leapt straight onto the table. “Agatha!”
Agatha dropped her fork. “Quiet,” she hissed. “Someone will hear!” Indeed, the old man was regarding the agitated cat with astonishment.
Krosp glanced at him and waved a paw dismissively. “In a minute he isn’t going to care about a talking cat!” He grabbed Agatha’s sleeve and tried to drag her along behind. “Come on!”
Wooster quickly dropped a few coins on the table while Zeetha cheerfully stuffed the rest of her quiche in her mouth and they all rose to follow.
“What’s happening?” Wooster asked.
Krosp continued to pull Agatha along. “You know how everyone in town is buzzing about how the Heterodyne heir is coming?”
“Of course,” Agatha muttered. “We—”
Krosp jerked her around a final corner. “She’s here!”
And indeed she was.
It was one of the larger squares in the town. In the center was the famous cast iron statue of the Heterodyne Boys—jaunty grins on their faces, giving their famous “thumbs up” salute.
The square was packed with people—townspeople and tourists alike—with more pouring in every second. Floating directly overhead was a small airship, newly minted, if the gleam still on its engines was any indication. It was astonishing both for the large gold trilobites emblazoned upon the sides of its gasbag, and the fact that said gasbag was a shockingly vivid pink.
The girl standing proudly upon the statue’s pedestal—with the Boys towering behind her beaming down approvingly—was almost as pink herself.
Her outfit was a splendid confection straight from the overly-fussy fashion houses of Vienna, with a full skirt, puff sleeves, and a high collar, all framing a round, rosy face. Golden trilobites were scattered about her outfit, even nestled in her shimmering blonde hair.
Her voice, which was obviously being boosted by some unseen mechanism, was high, clear, and rang with noble sincerity.
“Greetings, people of Mechanicsburg! I am the Lady Zola Heterodyne—” There was a murmur of surprise from the crowd at this, which quickly died down. “—daughter of William Heterodyne! At long last, I have returned to my home!”
This got a burst of applause—discreetly led by the ring of men that Agatha now noticed surrounding the statue’s base. They were all of a single mold: tall, weirdly slim, dressed in dark frock coats and striped shirts, with matching stovepipe hats nearly as tall and narrow as themselves. Their eyes were covered with black smoked goggles. Each man held a different, uniquely odd machine—each machine clearly the work of a Spark.
“I have long been in hiding, for there are many who have vowed to destroy me!” This provoked another burst of noise from the crowd. “But now, the Baron lies injured! Powerless! He can no longer defend the Empire, let alone my beloved Mechanicsburg!”
Silence washed over the square now. This was dangerous talk. “I fear that his incapacity will lead to war that will threaten this place—this beloved town of my ancestors! I have a duty to you, my people! There will be danger, but I will face it, for I must protect my city!”
She squared her shoulders and looked adorably resolute. “Thus, despite the risk to my person, I return to claim my own—and I begin with Castle Heterodyne! Come along and bear witness, for a new era begins!” And with that she unhesitatingly leapt from the base of the statue, provoking a gasp from the crowd which turned into cheers as she was effortlessly caught by two of the tall men awaiting her below.
The girl took her place at the head of a procession, surrounded by a phalanx of her tall dark men—the still-growing crowd falling in behind her. With a roar, they swept out of the square and followed her towards the castle gates.
Zeetha turned and saw Agatha staring, her mouth agape. She reached over and pushed Agatha’s mouth closed with a delicately outstretched finger. “Do try to face the new era with some dignity,” she advised.
Soon, enough of the crowd had passed that Agatha and her friends could join the tail end, and they turned the corner in time to see the girl in pink gracefully lifted onto the rail of the little stone bridge by two of her retainers.
She pointed dramatically at the castle and the crowd cheered.
“Will you look at her?” Agatha was slowly shifting from shock to outrage. “I cannot believe this! She’s pretending to be me!”
Krosp nodded and glanced up at the pink dirigible, which was slowly drifting along in the direction of the castle. “Yes, this is going to be trouble.”
The girl and her coterie had reached the castle side of the bridge. Even though Agatha was looking for it, it was still startling when, with a puff of displaced air and a small cloud of dust, the members of the Black Squad materialized around the girl and her party.
Wooster nodded in satisfaction. “And that should take care of that.”
The captain looked a lot more alert this time. His squad held their weapons at the “ready” position. “Halt.”
The girl did so with a smile. Without taking her eyes
off of the captain, she inquired, “Herr Vikel?”
One of the dark retainers nodded and activated the device in his hands. Instantly the members of the Black Squad shrieked and began to unnaturally twist and bend before they disappeared. Their weapons clattered to the ground.
The pink girl took a deep breath and then casually waved a hand. “Onward!”
Wooster let out a low whistle. “Interesting.”
After a shocked moment, the crowd hurried to catch up and hundreds of people were now toiling up the winding road to the front gate of the castle. Agatha’s group joined them.
Krosp looked over the rail at the steep slope and nodded in approval. “Nice. Very defensible.”
Agatha frowned. “But why didn’t Miss Perfect just fly up to the top in her perfect pink airship?”
Wooster considered this. “I think it’s fairly obvious that this whole grand procession is for show.”
Zeetha nodded. “She wants as many people as possible to see her enter the castle.”
Agatha frowned. “But…can’t they tell that she’s spouting nonsense?”
Wooster gave her a smirk. “The only thing that makes it nonsense is that she’s saying it instead of you.” He waved a hand at the excited townspeople. “They’ve all heard about you, so they were expecting something like this.” He paused. “Well, probably not like this, exactly. This is all a bit high-handed, although her showmanship is impeccable.”
Agatha stumbled slightly and leaned against a railing panting, “Well her ‘impeccable showmanship’ is killing me.”
Krosp sniffed. “I think you’re still feeling some of the after effects of those chemicals they filled you full of in Sturmhalten.”
Zeetha narrowed her eyes. “I think somebody’s been neglecting her training.”
“Training?” Agatha snorted. “Please. Right now, who cares?”
Seconds later, the crowd toiling its way up the incline hastily parted for Agatha, hotly pursued by Zeetha—brandishing a large stick.
Soon enough, Agatha reached the gateway and stumbled to her knees. “Sorry, Zeetha! Sorry! I do care! I really do!” she gasped under her breath. Her heart was pounding and she was afraid she might pass out. She swayed slightly, thinking maybe the rest would at least be good for her, when a well-manicured hand appeared before her.
“My, my…” The voice was light and melodic, with a faint Parisian accent, “such an encouraging reception! But there’s no need to kneel, dear girl. I’ll not rule by fear! Arise!” So saying, Zola’s hand lightly curled around Agatha’s upper arm and hauled her up straight, with surprising strength.
Up close, the face of the woman in pink was broad, but delicate. Her eyes were large and expressive and her wide mouth was set in a genuine smile of delight. Behind her, two of the tall retainers watched Agatha closely, the innocent-looking devices in their hands not quite pointing at her.
“Here, my dear, a little token of our meeting.” She pressed a coin into Agatha’s hand as she moved on.
Agatha stared at the coin and felt a surge of fury wash through her. It was a gold coin. Solid, by the weight of it. One face was an elegant portrait of the girl herself. The other was a trilobite. The heraldic symbol of the Heterodyne family. If nothing else, Agatha felt severely outclassed.
Wooster saw her face and pried the coin from her fingers. He could see that several nearby onlookers were interested. He slipped a familiar hand around her shoulders. It was like hugging an iron statue. “Mighty generous, eh, dear?” he said gamely. He pretended to notice her face. “It’s not charity, dear. No need to be embarrassed.”
The onlookers nodded in sympathy and then the sound of squealing metal drew everyone’s attention. Several of the tall men were pulling back a set of gates that had been installed before the actual great door of the castle, which hung ajar, slightly off its hinges.
When she was sure that everyone was looking, Zola drew herself up and raised her hands for silence. “And now,” she said solemnly, “I go to reclaim what is mine by right!” She then turned and, followed by her attendants, stepped through the door, disappearing from sight.
Everyone waited a minute but nothing else seemed to be happening. Agatha turned to Ardsley Wooster. “She just walked right in?”
Wooster nodded. “Well…yes. The trick is in walking out again.”
Agatha drew herself up, her eyes hard. “Well, fine. That’s just great. I’m going to go in there and show her—”
A quiet voice interrupted her. “Pardon me, my lady…”
Surprised, Agatha and the rest of her party turned to see the old man who had been sitting near them in the café. He had looked sleepy before but now he was alert and focused as he studied her intently. He made a small gesture towards the great doorway. “But shouldn’t that have been you?”
_______________
1 The Great Hospital of Mechanicsburg was the first of the Great Projects that Bill and Barry Heterodyne undertook when Bill officially became the Heterodyne. Before that, an entire section of the town had been zoned for, among other things, biological experiments. The Boys tore it all down and cleansed it with fire. In its place, they built a hospital. The staff had to undergo a rigorous, and prolonged, retraining using assorted incentives, hypnotism, threats, and cattle prods, which was—on the whole—surprisingly successful. Today, The Great Hospital is one of the leading institutions of medical research. It is also known for its pioneering research regarding the humane treatment of the insane, which is greatly appreciated by the staff.
2 Before leaving Master Payne’s Circus, Agatha had arranged for them to receive sanctuary in England. Since she had secretly reengineered their circus into a mechanical fighting force which had wound up wounding the Baron and damaging a significant part of one of his armies, it had seemed like the right thing to do.
3 Dr. Sun Jen-Djieh was the administrator and chief doctor at the first Great Hospital. He was a Spark whom the Heterodyne Boys and Baron Wulfenbach had met in China during their adventures there. (See The Heterodyne Boys and the Even Greater Wall of China for a reasonably accurate record of their meeting.) Shortly thereafter, the Emperor decided that Dr. Sun had been contaminated by exposure to foreigners and should be put to the Death of Five Hundred Tightenings. Dr. Sun decided that it was time to listen to his doctor and take an extended vacation in the West.
4 A perusal of archived Empire records reveal that other red flags were: “Impossible,” “Illogical,” “He wouldn’t dare,” and the all-time favorite: “…couldn’t possibly be that stupid”
5 According to the private journals of Klaus’s personal physician, Dr. Merrliwee, the Baron never actually believed that he had the time to allow himself to heal up naturally from anything. After a series of escalating events that were, in retrospect, actually rather humorous, unless you were one of the poor souls involved, she took to shooting him with a tranquilizer dart whenever he got a papercut. After the third time this happened, Klaus reluctantly established “sickness protocols” that allowed him to at least remain conscious while “taking it easy.” He also felt spurred to invent “cutless paper,” which has saved the lives of thousands of office workers across the Empire.
6 Until Recently, Ardsley Wooster had served aboard Castle Wulfenbach as Gilgamesh Wulfenbachs’s valet. In actuality, he was working for British Intelligence. It would have been an extraordinarily useful position from which to winnow out the secrets of the Empire, if it wasn’t for the fact that both Gilgamesh and his father had been aware of Wooster’s true allegiances from the get-go and had been cheerfully feeding him false information. Spies find this sort of thing terribly embarrassing and are loath to mention it on their résumés.
7 The Seven Mad Wonders of the World is an informal list kept by the British Museum. Castle Heterodyne was indeed on it for at least two centuries (One must remember that neither the penchant for odd creations nor the British Museum are new institutions).
In addition to Castle Heterodyne, there are listed t
he Storm King’s Muses, the Awful Tower in Paris, the London Dome, Mr. Tock of Beetleburg, the Secret Library, and a semi-open spot which was whimsically referred to as the “Impossibility of the Day.” Since its fall into ruin, Castle Heterodyne’s spot on the list had been usurped by Castle Wulfenbach.
8 Professor Mordechai Donowitz, PhD. Tampering Within God’s Domain and Chair of the Department of the Non-Humanities. The father of Hezekiah Donowitz, whom Agatha met while aboard Castle Wulfenbach. See our earlier textbook; Agatha H. and the Airship City.
9 The Heterodyne Boys traveled the world righting wrongs and fighting evil. Once they disappeared, publishers realized that people still wanted to hear about their adventures, and The Heterodyne Library of Spark Snapping Adventure was born. These books purported to chronicle the actual adventures of the boys, but as your humble professors are well aware, and do our best to avoid, it is the rare recitation of facts that suffers from the injection of blood and thunder, egregious villainy, and spicy romance. Thus, after a few volumes, the facts of the Heterodynes’ lives became more and more unimportant, while the books themselves became more and more exciting.
CHAPTER 2
Like most towns, Mechanicsburg has located its airship terminals and freight yards outside of the old city walls. There are many fine things one can say about modern airship travel, but on the ground, it does require an inordinate amount of real estate. Luckily, the airship terminal that serves Mechanicsburg is located near a Corbettite rail terminal. If one is of a patient disposition, one may hop a slow freight shuttle directly into the town for free. For the traveler with more money than time, carriages, carts, rickshaws, and horses are available for rent. If one feels like a spot of exercise, it is less than a kilometer by foot to the North Gate. The intervening area is primarily farmland, which does allow one to appreciate the size and grandeur of the surrounding mountains. Some do like that sort of thing.
