by Kaja Foglio
Herr Diamant sat at the controls, easily weaving past the remaining carts that trundled through the streets. He spoke into a brass tube that conveyed his voice back into the prisoner compartment, where Agatha was changing into a properly disreputable suit of clothes that Herr Diamant had given her.
“There are things you should be aware of,” the tinny voice informed her. “The leather case by the door has your papers. They state that you’re in for mass-poisoning.”
Agatha interrupted. “Murder!”
Diamant chuckled. “People are not sent to Castle Heterodyne for stealing a loaf of bread, my lady. These are people that the Empire wants to go away.
“You must be wary. Most of the truly crazy ones die rather quickly. At the moment, there are two you should keep a particular eye out for, a fellow named Snapper, and another named Vasquez. They’re the only really psychotic ones.
“Many of the others are Sparks. They might prove useful, if you can get them on your side. Especially the old-timers. Promise them amnesty, if you must.”
Agatha was surprised. “I can do that?”
A bark of laughter came back through the tube. “Prove yourself the Heterodyne—hold the Castle—and there is nothing you can’t do in Mechanicsburg.”
Agatha considered this as she began fastening buttons. Diamant spoke again. “The red pouch? That contains a map that shows the current floor plan of the Castle. The areas marked in green are considered safe.”
Agatha examined this. “There’s not much marked in green.”
“No,” Diamant admitted. “The area in blue is the Main Library.”
Agatha frowned. “I don’t…I don’t see any way to actually get there.”
“It was never easy. The Castle itself will have to guide you there.”
“Terrific.” She sat down and pulled on the stout leather boots, and carefully did up the side buttons. “So, who’s the Baron’s agent in there? I’m sure he’s got one. I would. I’d want to know as soon as possible if they found anything really dangerous or useful.”
“Of course. That would be Professor Hristo Tiktoffen. He’s a prisoner himself, but he’s also the ‘Man in Charge’ once you get inside. He maintains the records and helps keep the others in line.” The wagon juddered to a halt. “We’re here,” Diamant announced.
Agatha gathered up the rest of her supplies. “Have you found out anything else about that false Heterodyne girl that’s inside?”
Diamant sighed. “No. But remember, your very existence is a threat to her, so assume that she’ll try to kill you. I’d recommend avoiding her at all costs.” He lowered his voice. “Don’t forget to put your manacles on, my lady.”
Agatha found the steel cuffs and, with only a touch of hesitation, snapped them around her wrists. They were connected by about ten centimeters of chain. Agatha took a deep breath. “All right, I’m ready.”
Diamant made a show of throwing open the door and calling out loudly. “We’re here. Move lively! Unload those supplies!” He indicated a pile of boxes and sacks that contained foodstuffs.
As Agatha loaded them onto a small hand truck, a Wulfenbach guard hurried up.
“Herr Diamant! You can’t send someone in today! That damned Heterodyne girl is in there—”
The old man sniffed. “Just another imposter. She won’t last and the others still have to eat.” He hooked a thumb back at Agatha. “Besides, we want this one off the streets.” Agatha glared at the guard.
Diamant pulled a thick ledger off the wagon seat. “But if you don’t like it, do feel free to go over my head. The Baron himself is here in the hospital, I’m told. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you went and asked him about it.”
“Aw, go kiss a construct,” the guard grumbled. “Fine. Send her in then.”
Diamant shrugged and offered the man a pen. “Very wise, I’m sure. Sign here, please.”
The guard laboriously made his mark and Diamant snapped the book shut and retrieved his pen. Then he turned to Agatha and all the warmth left his voice. “Here you are. Take this load to Professor Tiktoffen. He’ll unlock you when he’s checked you in and explained the routine.”
Agatha just glared. Diamant sighed. “You’re being given a chance. A final chance, and more than you deserve, no doubt, but the Baron sees something in you, so a chance you’ll have. Watch your back, work with your fellow prisoners, and good luck to you.”
“Try to escape,” the guard said with relish, “and I’ll shoot you like a dog.”
Agatha picked up the handles of the hand truck and tried to look tough. “Fine. Can I get going now?”
The guard waved her towards the gates. Agatha was interested to note that the “Front Gate” was actually a row of gates of varying sizes, from a small postern gate all the way up to gates the old Heterodynes could have passed siege engines through. To Agatha’s shock, the towering, intricately carved central doors were faced with solid gold. It spoke volumes that the gold was untouched.
The door that she was herded to was smaller than any of the main gates. It was constructed of ironbound wood reinforced with rows of iron studs.
“Hoy! Castle!” the Guard called out. “Open up! The Baron has sent a new prisoner for Repair Detail.”
There was a pause, then—with a groan—the gates swung open. They were thicker than Agatha had first supposed them to be, and instead of mere wood, she saw that they were full of dense mechanisms. When they touched the wall to either side with a dull boom, a sibilant voice—similar to the one that Agatha had heard in the crypt—echoed forth. “Enter.”
Unhesitatingly, Agatha steered her cart through the doors into the darkness beyond. As soon as she cleared the lintel, the doors slowly swung closed and locked behind her with a deliberate series of clunks.
Outside, the two men watching turned away. The guard wiped the cold sweat from his forehead and leaned on his rifle. “It still gives me the spooks when it does that,” he confessed.
Herr Diamant glanced back at the door and sighed. “Young man, you have no idea.”
_______________
19 This was probably not what the Heterodynes and their servants-in-residence had called it, but in the fourteen or so years that the Empire had been disposing of its more dangerous prisoners, a rich body of lore, myth, and nomenclature had grown up around the castle’s inner workings. When new areas of the castle were mapped, the amateur cartographers were encouraged to name things as vividly and memorably as possible.
20 All of the prisoners in Castle Wulfenbach wore chronometers strapped to their wrists, and were trained to record and remember the time whenever they performed a particular repair or observed something happen. As a result of this, almost all of them knew to the second when they died.
21 It is always frustrating to your professors when an organization chooses to use such mundane nomenclature instead of something a little more helpful to future historians. We are especially appreciative of the late, lamented Most Secret Cabal of Unscrupulous Moldavian Chemists and Poisoners United Against the Tyranny of the Department of Safety & Ethics, who were quickly betrayed to the authorities by the printer who had been hired to design their letterhead.
22 (1596-1655) His favorite color was “charred”
23 The Great Attack took place nineteen years before our current narrative begins. A massive explosion blew apart Castle Heterodyne from within, signaling the beginning of the War with the Other. Considered one of the most significant events of the last one hundred years, it began the sequence of events that destroyed almost forty of the Great Houses of Europa, laid the foundations for Baron Wulfenbach’s Pax Transylvania, and culminated in the disappearance of the Heterodyne Boys. It directly set the stage for the story contained within these pages.
24 The Red Cathedral of Mechanicsburg was the result of a bet between Prince Vadim Sturmvarous of Balan’s Gap and Dante Heterodyne, known to history as ‘The Good Heterodyne’ (Not because of any intrinsic nobility of spirit, but because he was very good at
being a Heterodyne, which meant rather the opposite). The Prince had hoped that the cathedral would serve as a nucleus of goodness in Mechanicsburg, which, over time, would spread to the rest of the inhabitants, and, he dared to dream, the Heterodyne family itself. The cathedral’s dedication ceremony involved the sacrifice of the Cardinal sent from Rome to oversee it, and things went downhill from there.
25 Faustus Heterodyne has been rated as one of the stronger Sparks ever produced by the family. It was he who crafted the intelligence that inhabited and energized the Castle. Naturally, he used his own mind as a template, which pretty much explains all of the Castle’s little murderous behavioral quirks, up to and including its unsavory love of weathervanes.
26 Those unfortunate enough to be dragged before one of the old Heterodynes were usually subjected to a version of what we today would call “Good Cop, Bad Cop.” However, considering the personalities involved, a more correct label would be “Bad Cop, Insanely Evil Cop.” This was never a fun experience, especially when both sides were played by different personalities manifesting within the same body—and neither of them were actually playing.
27 As has been mentioned before, all Jägers develop little hobbies over the decades. Captain Vole had discovered the joy of meticulous dress. Thus the stain caused by Agatha’s thrown coffee, along with the residue of the dung, offal, rotten vegetables, and other unsavory fluids that had been poured upon his unconscious form by the people of Mechanicsburg—who had long been itching to express their feelings about his betrayal—had found a perfect canvas.
28 The Jägermonsters were created by the Heterodynes to serve as shock troops, reavers, and nightmare fodder. They are incredibly hard to kill and shrug off wounds that any other soldier would consider incapacitating. As a result, when not actually fighting, they tend to ignore what’s going on around them. This occasionally leads to a nasty surprise when they realize that something is actually trying to eat them. However, at this point, all but the youngest of the Jägers was several centuries old, and at that age, any surprise is a welcome diversion.
29 You might think that—once their particular corner of the world went to the effort to reorganize itself so thoroughly that not only were they no longer expected to show up for work, but a large percentage of the people in the area would stop what they were doing to arrest and/or kill them—deposed royalty would do something sensible, like learn an honest trade or at least change their names. What they actually do is find some other court located somewhere with a healthy enough infrastructure to allow it to absorb a few dozen more of God’s Chosen. That said, the host nation usually finds any number of exciting and extremely dangerous things for them to do.
30 This practice was one of Klaus’s more radical innovations, and one of his most effective ones. It relied upon the simple truth that most of the soldiers in a rogue Spark’s army were not there out of any great loyalty to said Spark but because they did not want to be turned into fish (or whatever). That said, there is camaraderie and comforting routine in military life that many young men enjoy, and the chance to be a part of the Winning Side has a strong allure. Thus the army of the Empire was one of the few in history that got larger with every battle it fought.
31 As has been mentioned before, Sparks tend to establish hierarchy. They are never comfortable until they know what the order of precedence in a particular situation is, as well as their place in it. Aside from the politics inherent in running two adjoining expanding empires, it would be safe to say that neither Klaus nor Albia were willing to relinquish primacy to anyone. The miracle was that they had never actually gone to war. Subsequent research has revealed that each Empire was waiting for the other (obviously weaker-willed) Empire to declare war first, in the mistaken impression that they would then have the choice of weapons. This was an idea promoted by a desperate diplomatic corps, who were constantly astonished that it actually worked.
32 “Kolee dok Zumil.” According to Zeetha: “Sort of like teacher and student…sort of like grindstone and knife.” The contract and promise that bound the Lady Heterodyne and the Princess Zeetha together as teacher and student, among other things. At this time, Zeetha had just started the martial training of the Lady Heterodyne that would serve Agatha so well in later life.
CHAPTER 4
THE STORM KING
An opera in three acts by Portentius Reichenbach. A Brief Overview Provided as a Courtesy to Our Patrons Who, For No Doubt Very Good Reasons, Were Late Or Simply Not Paying Attention.
The First Act begins in the pass of Balan’s Gap as the Army of Atrocities, led by Bludtharst Heterodyne, is fought to a bloody standstill by the Coalition of the West, led by Andronicus Valois, who is hailed as The Storm King in the unforgettable Hammerhead Chorus.
After the famous comic interlude wherein the maid Capezia steals the shoes, and the Coalition receives the blessings of the Five Good Emperors, in the haunting It Has All Happened Before, But It Gets Better Every Time roundelay, Andronicus witnesses the beautiful Heterodyne Princess Euphrosynia being menaced by the mad sorcerer—prince Ogglespoon, a Heterodyne ally whom her father wishes her to marry.
The highlight here is the scandalous-for-the-time How Dast You Duet, which caused almost a quarter of the men attending to faint at its premiere performance in Munich.
Andronicus falls madly in love with the Princess but is tormented by second thoughts which are raised by his dour, two-headed construct servant, the Brothers Polyphemus, in the cunning and occasionally terrifying What Could Possibly Go Wrong dance number.
These trepidations are dispelled by the haunting Prophecy Aria, in which the Spirit of Europa herself foretells that peace will only be achieved when the Storm King and the Heterodyne Princess are wed.
The Second Act begins as Europa’s prophecy is conveniently echoed, for those who were visiting the concession stand, by the Nine Muses, who say the same thing, but use different words, in the groundbreaking You’ll Only Hear What You Want To Hear Chorus.
The scene then changes to Prince Ogglespoon’s Castle, where the forced marriage is already in progress.
It begins with the infamously bawdy Jägerchorus and the tune She Dun Gotta Be A Lady, She Iz Gunna Be Hyu Wife, (which can be heard in taverns and public houses to this day), as they celebrate the upcoming wedding.
This is followed by the intricately choreographed Rescue Dance. In its most recent performance by the Vienna Mechanikopera, the company has hewed to the original chorography, and thus utilized all seventeen soup waiters, three ladder teams, and the original roller-skating giraffe, which had only been recently rediscovered in a barn in Essen. We are grateful to the Vienna Mechanikopera for lending us these props under the condition that “we never have to see them again.”
The scene again changes, to the interior of the Storm King’s legendary Steam Palanquin, where we are treated to the tender Lover’s Duet between Euphrosynia and Andronicus.
In a letter to his sister, Reichenbach reveals that he got the idea for this song by listening to the mating call of the Irish Elk while on a trip to Dublin. It is a performance known to test the vocal range of any performer.
Finally, we have the heart-wrenching Abduction Adagio, where Euphrosynia is stolen away by a vengeful Prince Ogglespoon, who traps the Storm King in the infamous Bonsai Hedge Maze.
As the Second Act closes and the thunder rolls, the Storm King makes his famous vow, to search for Euphrosynia forever with the heart-wrenching aria, Nothing’s More Important To Me and I’ve Got the Empire to Prove It.
In the Third and Final Act, we shall see how that vow brought about the tragic end of the Coalition of the West, the Knights of Jove, and the Storm King’s reign itself.
—The Mechanicsburg Opera and Musical Debating Society gratefully acknowledges Professoressa Kaja Foglio, who has graciously allowed us permission to use excerpts from her book: It Is Not Over Until The Fat Lady Explodes—A Helpful and Concise Synopsis of Ten Operas That Deal With The Spark. (Transylvania Polygnostic
University Press)
As the great doors closed shut behind her, Agatha felt a shiver run down her spine. A smaller series of booming clunks caused her to turn—just in time to watch intricate mechanisms built into the doors snapping into place. She was in, and no mistake.
The wide hall was lined with brooding stone statues—giant armored knights with animal heads that leered down at any tiny mortals who dared enter.
Red lights were artistically placed as if to maximize the drama of the statues’ looming shadows. To Agatha’s eye, these looked remarkably like the danger lights that would come on in one of Doctor Beetle’s labs when something had gone terribly wrong. This did not add to her peace of mind, but Agatha guessed that serenity would be in short supply until she got the Castle repaired.
She noticed a faint movement in the shadows, and stopped. “Hello?”
“You have got to be kidding me!” From around a pillar oozed a young man with mean-looking eyes and a terrible scar that carved his mouth into a permanent sneer. “They actually sent someone in today? Well. Lucky me.” He strolled on over. “So let’s see what you’ve got on the cart, there.”
Agatha pulled the cart back slightly. “You have the key to unlock these shackles?”
The young man waved a hand dismissively. “Nah. But I gotta check it for—”
“Anything I’m stupid enough to let you steal? I don’t think so. I’m not going to start out my time here by getting in trouble with the management.”
The young man gave her a nasty little grin. “Heeyyy—don’t be like that. You’re gonna need friends in here.”
“I’m glad you’re friendly. Now where can I find someone in charge?”
