by Kaja Foglio
“Channel the current through ‘us’?” Tarvek finished, worried. “You, too? But—”
The Castle rumbled softly. The lights flickered.
Agatha sighed. “Yes. To cure Tarvek, we were going to kill him, clean him out and then revive him. Obviously I’ll require the same treatment. That’s why we need to find sufficient power. I can hook myself into the system, and we’ll zap both of us at one go. It’ll be very efficient.”
“Hold on!” Gil said, “I know I said this was a good plan, but that was when Sturmvoraus was the one to fry!”
Tarvek raised his voice. He was making small, frantic “stop talking” motions with his hands. “Heavens, yes, Agatha, this is for me, your loving consort! We could never do something like this to you!”
Agatha was annoyed. “What are you—” Too late, the pfennig dropped and she turned her eyes upwards. “Oh.”
“I agree!” the Castle howled. “I will not permit this!”
“What do you mean, ‘you won’t permit it’,” Agatha shouted back. “I’m sick. This procedure can cure me!”
“You cannot die!” The Castle sounded, if possible, more unbalanced than ever.
“I assure you, I most certainly can!”
“I must have a Heterodyne in residence! Until you produce an heir, you are not expendable.”
“I don’t really see that happening any time soon.”
“Why not? You have two fine, strapping—”
Tarvek stepped in. “There is insufficient time for the viable gestation of an heir, as technically, she is already dying.”
Agatha stared at him with a sour look on her face. “Yes, obviously that is the only thing stopping me from producing an heir for you in the next five minutes.”
Tarvek rolled his eyes.
The Castle was not deterred. “Troublesome, yes. However, with a little effort, you should be able to get your great grand-uncle Zagnut’s Corporeal Duplicator built before it is too late. With a little tweaking, you could have a disease-free copy of yourself. Several, if you desire.”
Tarvek and Gil looked at each other.
“Intriguing…” Gil murmured.
“How many more?” Tarvek asked.
The Castle continued. “The prototype merely tore him in half, but he did leave excellent notes.”
“This is crazy,” von Zinzer said from the archway. “By your logic, you shouldn’t have let any of your Heterodynes out of their bedrooms! Ever!”
Everyone stared at him.
“Oh,” the Castle said in surprise. “Yessss…that was a mistake. I see that now. Well spotted, minion.”
Von Zinzer blinked. “I…” He looked at Agatha.
“Thank you,” she said, “for your help.”
“I’ll just…”
“Shut up?”
“Yes.” Von Zinzer shut up.
Agatha shook her head. “Enough of this. I know it’s dangerous, but I think it’ll work, and it’s not as if you can stop me.”
“You are incorrect.” The section of floor under Agatha’s feet sank into the ground. A slab thudded into place over her head. “In any situation where the succession is at stake, I am permitted, even required, to disregard your commands. You are not the first Heterodyne to be more concerned with destruction than with the continuation of the family. But even at low ebb, as I am now, I have more than enough power to keep you from doing anything foolhardy.”
Agatha pounded a fist against the stone wall. “But Gil and Tarvek will die!”
“They are potentially valuable, but ultimately replaceable.”
“No they are not!” Agatha screamed. “Besides, I’ll die!”
“If you truly are a Heterodyne,” the Castle said smugly, “You’ll think of something.”
Agatha stared into the darkness and then finally sagged back against the wall. “All right,” she said finally. “Fine. You’ve made your point. I’ll come up with another plan.” She took a deep breath, “In fact, I believe I have one already.”
“Excellent.” With that, the floor rose and the stone unfolded around Agatha, revealing the anxious faces of her companions. The Castle continued smugly, “I’m so glad we had this little talk.”
“Anything else you want?” Agatha asked it sarcastically.
“Well, one simply can’t have too many weathervanes…”
“Okay,” Gil looked grim. “We all heard it, so what are we going to do?”
Tarvek nodded. “You said you had a new plan?”
Agatha shrugged. “The Castle isn’t giving us a choice. Now I’ve got an idea I want to work on, while you two—” She leaned in and breathed the words “distract it,” before straightening up and continuing in a louder voice, “find us a place to set up!”
Tarvek looked thoughtful.
Gil muttered, “Wait, so you still want us to—”
The blow caught him completely by surprise. “You!” Tarvek roared. Then he paused and thought for a minute. “Um—Do what she says! Don’t argue!”
“Hey! What was that for?” Gil yelled.
Tarvek rolled his eyes in exasperation. “I tire of this charade!” he screamed to the air. “The Lady Heterodyne is mine! And I will prove it, by stomping this lout into the dirt!”
Gil gave a slow grin. “Oh. Yeah, I guess we can do that.”
“Oh. Oh, my. Can it be Christmas?” the Castle asked in wonder.
“Nah,” Tarvek told it. “I’m just going to senselessly pound him.”
“Ah!” The Castle thrilled. “Mindless violence! What a good boy!”
“Ho, yeah. Merry Christmas to me.” Gil gloated. His eyes were wild and his voice was resonant with the Spark. He crouched and stared at Tarvek. “It is so on.”
“Yesss! That’s the spirit!” the Castle cheered. “Oh, well done, my lady! They will both do nicely!”
A vision of Gil tossing aside Doctor Merlot’s clank flashed before Agatha’s eyes. “Tarvek! No! You don’t want to do this!”
Tarvek grinned. “Agatha! Oh, I really do! Now come! Before you flee to spare your delicate sensibilities, bestow a final favor upon your chosen warrior!” He pulled her backwards against him with one arm. “That’s me!” he stage-whispered.
Agatha whispered desperately. “You don’t understand! Gil—”
Tarvek pecked her on the cheek and whispered into her ear. “Tell Wulfenbach I won’t really hurt him. Not permanently.”
Agatha tried to turn in his arms. “No! He—”
Tarvek gallantly spun her into Gil’s arms. “Now, bid this churl farewell!” he cried.
Gil held her against him and laughed. “I’m going to turn you inside out, Sturmvarous,” he vowed. “It’ll be an improvement!”
“No!” Agatha whispered. “He says he won’t hurt you!”
Gil looked momentarily impressed. “Wow. I guess he is smart!” he growled. “Yessss! If I rip his heart out, it will solve all our problems!”
Agatha stared into Gil’s maddened face. “Ah, Gil, please don’t kill him.”
“Shh. It’ll be a great diversion!” Gil whispered.
He tossed Agatha out of the way.
“Gil!” she shouted. “You’re the one who said you’re supposed to stay calm!”
“I said relatively calm! Now stand back! I don’t want to get his blood all over you.” Gil took hold of the largest cable that connected him to Tarvek, and began to pull it toward him.
Agatha gave up. She turned to Violetta and Fraulein Snaug, who appeared to be settling in comfortably to watch the show. “Snaug, where are those parts you ferried down?”
Snaug was disappointed. “Aw…Now?”
Agatha grit her teeth. “Right now!”
Snaug dashed off. Before Agatha followed, she faced the fighters. “Don’t forget, you idiots! If you break those cables, I won’t have to kill you!”
Tarvek ignored her, and assumed a ridiculous boxer’s stance. “Ha!” he called out. “Come now, thou villain, and receive the thrashing you so richl
y deserve!”
Gil grinned at him lazily, and strode toward him, only to land in a crumpled heap on the ground.
“For shame, sirrah,” Tarvek said with exaggerated horror. “What are you doing? Must you always make a spectacle of yourself?”
Confused, Gil sat up. “Uh…”
Violetta blinked. “What the…”
Gil got to his feet. “I must’ve…”
“Tripped over your great clumsy feet?” Tarvek executed a mincing little shuffle step as he shadow-boxed. “Tch. At least try to face me like a gentleman.” He turned away haughtily, “Although why you should be expected to start now, I—”
Gil lunged, and his foot skidded out from under him. He crashed over a toolbox.
Tarvek looked embarrassed and offered Gil a hand up.
“I don’t believe it,” Violetta breathed.
Von Zinzer had made himself comfortable next to Violetta. He frowned. “Am I missing something?”
Gil batted Tarvek’s hand away. He spun to his feet and immediately folded back down, clutching his stomach.
“Ow!” Tarvek bleated, “My elbow! You ran right into it! Oooh! That smarts!”
Gil paused. “Wait a minute…”
“All through our training,” Violetta said in wonder, “That useless lump just sat around doodling girls and clockwork. But…those moves…” Her voice sharpened in outraged accusation. “He was paying attention after all!”
Gil looked at Tarvek as though he were seeing him for the first time. “You! You’re doing this on purpose.”
Tarvek gave a final little clownish skip and then settled into watchful stillness. “Aw! You figured it out. Much faster than I thought you would, too.”
Gil shook his head in admiration as he climbed to his feet. “Well done. You really had me fooled. I completely underestimated you.” He clapped his hands together. “And now, it’s your turn.”
Tarvek continued to grin. “What? I already got you three times! But I’ll cheerfully do it—” As he spoke, his foot snapped upward to where Gil’s face had been. But Gil had vanished. Tarvek felt a tap upon his shoulder. “No, no, no,” Gil said.
Tarvek whirled in place, his hands and feet scything through empty air.
“It’s your turn…” Gil said from near the floor.
Tarvek leapt back.
“…to underestimate…” The sound of Gil’s voice came from directly overhead.
Tarvek looked up while dropping into a squat.
“…me!”
And suddenly, there was Gil, also squatting, his grinning face centimeters from Tarvek’s own. He tapped Tarvek’s forehead with his forefinger. Tarvek went tumbling over backwards.
Gil rose to his feet and smiled down at him. “And that’s four. So now that we’ve got that all settled—”
Tarvek reached up and grabbed hold of Gil’s arm. “Forget finesse,” he growled, his own voice finally rising into the tones of the Spark. “I’ll just pound you, after all, like the worm you are!”
Suddenly, Gil was flying through the air. He twisted and his feet smacked into the wall. “That was surprising,” he admitted. He then launched himself back and sent Tarvek sprawling. “But then, I shouldn’t really be surprised, should I? You always were an underhanded fake.”
Tarvek’s foot connected with Gil’s jaw. He wrapped the cable that connected them around Gil’s neck. “Oh, and I suppose wallowing in the gutters of Paris was your idea of authenticity?” he snarled with a nasty grin. “Sooo Bohemian.”
Gil spun himself free. His fist barely missed Tarvek’s nose. “I had my reasons,” he roared.
“Well, sure!” Tarvek had to leap to avoid the leg sweep Gil aimed at him. “All your lowlife friends were there!” he roared back.
They collapsed, panting and glaring.
“Snitch,” Tarvek huffed.
“Sneak,” Gil wheezed back.
They rose to their knees and feebly tried to attack again.
“Libertine!” Tarvek growled weakly.
“Fop!” Gil shot back.
Tarvek’s head thudded to the floor. “I…I’d heard you could fight…I don’t feel so good…”
Gil tried to sneer, but realized that he lacked the strength to curl his lip. “You…you’re…pretty good…for a…a spoiled aristo…but this is…”
Suddenly, their chest devices were hooting urgently. Red lights flashed.
Tarvek looked worried. “Uh-oh…”
Gil poked weakly at the dials. “Maybe this wasn’t…um…the best plan we ever…”
The Castle had apparently been following their every move. “Plan?” it asked suspiciously. “What plan?”
“My plan!” Agatha shouted. She eyed Gil and Tarvek. “Or, at least, a small, inelegant, poorly thought-out part of it.”
Tarvek looked contrite. “Sorry.”
“I think we overdid it a bit,” mumbled Gil.
“Maybe just a bit, but it worked,” Agatha said.
She looked back to Snaug, who stood beside a new device, its belts spinning and coils glowing. Snaug gave her a thumbs-up signal.
She handed Tarvek a chest device similar to the ones he and Gil wore. “Here. Hook this up for all three of us.”
“NO!” the Castle screamed, “I told you! I forbid it!” The scream was broken into mechanical stutters, rising and falling in volume.
“Listen to you!” Agatha fumed. “You’re falling apart!”
“I see I must. Remove the problem. At the source!” the Castle sputtered. The instability in the voice was getting worse.
“That doesn’t sound good…” Tarvek began…
“Such. A pity…” it mourned.
There was a shudder in the stones around them. Gil grabbed Tarvek and rolled them both aside, just as a ceiling block crashed to the ground.
“They really are…” The Castle sent another stone dropping toward them as they dodged furiously,
“So entertaining…but ultimately…” A bolt of energy struck the ground as Tarvek grabbed Gil and leapt aside. “…they are replaceable.”
The Castle’s voice had deteriorated to a broken, echoing whisper. It sounded like three Castles, whose speech was overlapping slightly.
“NO!” Agatha screamed, as she threw a switch on the new machine. “They are not replaceable!” She threw a second lever. “But you—you are!”
There was a roar of electrical discharge. The Castle gave a ghastly, drawn-out shriek, shook to its deepest foundations, then abruptly cut off into silence.
_______________
80 Just how Sparks are able to warp the laws of time and motion (among others) has never been successfully analyzed. People who try to carefully watch them report suffering a sort of cognitive dissonance where they simply cannot remember what happened even though it happened right in front of them. These, as it turns out, are the lucky ones, as most people who get too close to a Spark who is happily building something tend to wake up and realize that they have become components.
81 Herr Tyldon Üglemaach of Belarus could never quite believe, even right up until the very end, that not everyone liked molasses as much as he did.
82 Empire records show that the battle against the Black Mist Raiders, which military historians have called “The most dangerous game of chess in history,” took over three years and led to the death of almost a hundred of the Empire’s Intelligence officers. The scene of their final battle, the shadow-town secretly built by Klaus to lure Teufel in for their final battle, East Zagreb, remains uninhabitable to this day.
83 In the Autonomy of Architecture (Rupert-Karls-Universitàt Heidelberg Publikationen), Hristo Tiktoffen laid out reasons why some buildings should remain pristine, as designed by their architects. Many great buildings, designed by geniuses, are subsequently remodeled, for a plethora of bad reasons, to their detriment. Tiktoffen dared to dream of buildings equipped with defenses, much like the immune systems of living bodies, except instead of antigens, these would eliminate poor aesthetic cho
ices. There are those who think this idea insane. These are people who have never walked through a Renaissance palace infested with shag rugs.
84 The Lady Teodora Vodenicharova. She was married to the Heterodyne Boys’ father, Saturn Heterodyne, as part of a deal to save her kingdom from being exterminated, which was typical Heterodyne courting behavior. An astonishingly strong-willed and capable woman, she managed to defy Saturn Heterodyne on an almost daily basis. Not only was she allowed to live, but by all accounts, he was still in love with her to the end. She refused to live within the Castle, and insisted on raising her sons outside of its day-to-day influence as well. She waged a never-ending campaign to prevent Bill and Barry from being molded to their father’s ways, with astonishing success. When it became obvious that she had succeeded, Saturn swore to kill them both and try anew. Teodora killed him and was herself subsequently killed by the Castle, but died knowing that her sons were safe. Volumes have been written about her charisma, strength of will, nobility of spirit, and simple courage. Sadly, they are written by shoddy pretenders to true academia and are rife with inadequate research, unattributed sources, faulty indexing, and poor spelling, and thus are not included in these classes. Less than twelve years after her death, five of the seven recognized Popes concurred, and she has been declared a Martyr, canonized as Saint Teodora of Transylvania, Patron Saint of Those Who Fall Afoul of Sparks.
85 This is the sort of thing that causes Heterodyne scholars to drink heavily whenever nit-picky scientific journals insist on things like “dates” and “authentication”.
86 The Baghdad Salamander is one of most fascinating archeological finds of the last hundred years. Tentatively dated from somewhere between 250 B.C to A.D 500, chemical and metallurgical tests have definitively shown that the device was a functioning battery built over a millennium before anyone else produced anything even remotely similar. While its true purpose is unknown, across the device’s base was a contemporary inscription which dared those “of an unbelieving and barbarous nature, who would mock the mental abilities of the device’s creator, to kiss the lizard.”
CHAPTER 10
When Saturn Heterodyne died and William Heterodyne assumed his seat as Master of the Castle, it took a while for the City of Mechanicsburg to reinvent itself. The town needed time to adjust to the idea that it was now a citadel of evil…without the evil.
