by Kaja Foglio
88 As Baron Wulfenbach’s second-in-command, Boris was burdened with the running of the Empire on more than one occasion. While others would have been tempted by the almost unlimited power this entailed, Boris always complained about the extra paperwork. This is disingenuous, as Boris always did all of the paperwork anyway, but now he was in charge. It has often been stated that Boris’ priorities revealed him to be the most boring man in the Empire. This does Herr Dolokhov a disservice, as our research indicates that he was, in all likelihood, the most boring man in the world.
89 Still a Spark.
90 Andronicus Valois, the Storm King, possessed a set of nine mysterious, oracular clanks known as the Muses. They were constructed by the Spark artificer Van Rijn and were designed to help the Storm King rule by teaching him and advising him on the various disciplines that a monarch needed to hold together a large, disparate Empire. Anecdotal evidence suggests that while Andronicus appreciated their abilities, he didn’t like them much. This is hardly surprising, as any student of human nature will tell you that kings usually have no patience with being schooled. After the fall of the Storm King, the Muses disappeared from history. Many thought they had been destroyed, but the truth is that they had hidden themselves in order to safely await the appearance of a legitimate heir to the Lightning Crown.
91 The Post-revivification rush (PRR) is a well-documented phenomenon. When a construct is bequeathed the sudden gift of life, everything goes into overdrive, as it were. The senses are sharper, reflexes are faster. Strength and stamina are increased to alarming degrees, and thus the body is capable of astounding feats of destruction and strength. Naturally all of this has to come from somewhere, and so the higher brain functions are noticeably diminished during this time. It’s why constructs wake up in chains, which naturally freaks them out, beginning the entertaining feedback loop long celebrated in song and story.
92 Belgian Chocolate Mimmoths. One of the more famous products of the Odalisque Chocolate Company of Antwerp. Interestingly enough, the original recipe was for chocolate covered peanuts, but, as everyone knows, mimmoths will bore through concrete walls in order to obtain the tasty groundnut, and so it should not have been a surprise that they wound up in a chocolatiers peanut vat. The serendipitous result was hailed as a gastronomic wonder, as long as you don’t think about it too much.
93 Élan vital, also known as the “vital force” is the theoretical “life energy” that a being uses to live and move. There is some dispute amongst scientific circles as to whether this life energy actually exists as a measureable thing. For a long time it was confused with electricity, but as any backwoods dabbler will tell you, just pumping electricity into a corpse gets you nothing except disturbing ideas about barbeque sauce.
94 Subsequent calculations by the Professors have mathematically verified the truth of this statement, but dispute Princess Zeetha’s assumed claim of primacy. History shows us that, at best, she might have a legitimate claim for fourth place.
95 On her initial voyage to Europa, the Princess Zeetha had been abducted by pirates, who slaughtered the rest of her shipmates. When she got free, she returned the favor. This left her stranded in a strange land with no clue as to where her homeland was. In the subsequent three years, she traveled Europa trying to find anyone who had ever heard of her homeland, Skifander. By the time she encountered Agatha, who had heard stories of Skifander from Barry Heterodyne, Zeetha had almost become convinced that she had made the place up.
96 Grimstaad, Norway. The ancestral home of the Tryggvassens. A tidy little Northern village of fishermen and farmers, who were periodically terrorized by semi-sentient sea lions, laser crabs, exploding oysters, flesh-eating sea gulls and the occasional Polar Lord raiding party. In light of this, Othar’s antagonism towards Sparks is not particularly surprising.
97 Only one person had successfully circumvented this system; Herr Doktor Felix van Gunt, who had operated upon himself and removed his own head, enabling him to simply slip the collar off. Tragically, while he was leaving the castle with his head safely tucked under his arm, he misjudged the distances, and fell down a flight of stairs.
98 Yes, yes, the whole “brain swap without surgery” thing. In a rare display of solidarity, Sparks have universally discouraged this particular field of research for two reasons. The first, that science is regarded with enough suspicion as it is, without allowing plausible justification for the whole ‘Is my ruler/boss/lover who I think they are? Or has their mind been replaced by an agent of a secret cabal that is out to get me?’ thing. The second, that it’s really hard to do, and those who manage to successfully pull it off are bloody insufferable about it.
CHAPTER 11
We then did as the Master commanded us, and when we were finished, lights, like fireflies, began to gleam in the darkness. P’raps it be but fancy, but I did feel as if a Great Presence, invisible and malevolent, was being slowly roused from a deep slumber, and was looking about like a man roused from a wine-induced sleep.
A most terrible noyse did fill the chamber, and Master Faustus did laugh in glee. “The power of speech is not learned instantly! Try thou again,” he demanded.
There followed a most unpleasant span of tyme, but shortly enough, the howls and squeals did slowly transmute themselves unto the very semblance of speech. Horrid and blasphemous though ’twas, I could now understand its words.
“Who…am I?” The horrible voice asked.
This simple question did please the Master right well, more than anything I have ever witnessed in all my time under his hand.
“Didst thou hear that, von Mekkhan? No mere mechanism of rote calculation this! It asks a question! It hath a thirst for knowledge! I proclaim it a thing alive!”
Master Faustus then spun about and spake proudly, “Thou art…Castle Heterodyne.”
—From the Private Journals of the von Mekkhan Family
Agatha was hovering in mid-air. Her hair was billowing straight up, as if caught in some terribly powerful slow gale.
Around her floated a galaxy of small devices and bits of machinery that were assembling themselves into a cohesive ring. Connectors snapped together and cables coiled lazily towards a belt of sockets that encircled Agatha’s waist. Whenever one slid into place, a new segment of the ring glowed to life. All of this was happening without Agatha moving a muscle. A look of knowing bliss filled her face, and her skin glowed with radiant energy.
Because he was shackled to a lab table, Tarvek was unable to do the sensible thing—the thing that his brain was screaming for him to do—which was drop to his knees and await the thunderbolt. He fought to regain self-control.
“Agatha,” he ventured. “Are…are you all right?”
To the side, the angel clank stared upwards. “You know-ow-ow, I don’t-can’t remember that any of her ancestors ever did-id this…”
Higgs shifted his pipe from one side of his mouth to the other. “Sure they did. Remember old Igneous? Just before he exploded?”
The clank nodded. “Ah, yes. My, h-h-ow time does fly.”
Agatha turned her glowing eyes to Tarvek and regarded him for a long minute. Then she threw her head back and laughed. Tarvek made remarkable strides towards tearing his straps free from the metal table.
“Oh, yessss! I am far more than all right!” Agatha said, “I am perfect!” She glided toward Tarvek, radiating heat that he could feel from almost a meter away.
“I feel…suspended in an eternal moment of supreme clarity. I can do anything!”
Wires and cables on the devices circling Agatha began to click into place—attaching them to the machines hooked up to Gil and Tarvek. Now Agatha herself was part of the array.
Sleipnir had been watching all of this with awe, but when Agatha connected to the main array, readouts began to glow red all over the board of monitors she crouched behind. Sleipnir gasped. She had worked in enough laboratories that she was able to, with effort, tear her attention from Agatha and shut out everything but the
job in front of her.
“I have so many ideas,” Agatha continued dreamily, “So much I want to try! It’s all so exciting!” She stared into space, pure mad delight on her features. Then her expression changed. “And yet, it really isn’t perfect, is it? Not yet.” She stared back down at Gil and Tarvek.
Gil’s eyelids fluttered, and he seemed to notice Agatha for the first time.
His eyes went wide as she continued, “There are still these distractions that shatter the perfect euphoria.” A bleak tone had crept into Agatha’s voice. A coldness evocative of vast spaces between the stars. “All this concern because of the imbalances within these chaotic, biological organisms. It would be so much simpler to just snuff them out.”
Tarvek stared breathlessly up at her. She was beautiful. Shining. He wondered if he would feel his own death.
Agatha hung before them and a thousand years seemed to pass before her head lowered, and the golden light in her eyes seemed to dim slightly. “But if I let you die,” she said to them, her voice dropping to a whisper, “If you die…then all the rest…the rest is pointless.”
She looked up again and the golden light in her eyes flared. “So that will not happen!” As she spoke, a pair of cables unwound from the nest encircling her. They looped once and snapped solidly into the devices strapped to Gil and Tarvek’s chests. The last connection was complete, and an explosion of blue light filled the room, knocking everyone to the ground.
Several minutes passed and Violetta’s eyes flickered open. “Nrg,” she grunted.
“Yeah,” Sleipnir muttered from beside her. “Tell me about it.”
“Wha’ happn’?”
“I dunno, but if she starts calling us pitiful insects, run.”
Violetta considered this. “That’ll help?”
“No, not really.” Sleipnir was getting to her knees. Ruined machinery was sparking around them and smoke was everywhere.
Violetta shakily raised herself up on one arm. “Oh…” she whimpered. “If we feel like this, then Lady Heterodyne—”
Sleipnir rolled onto her back. “And Gil! And Prince Sturmvoraus! They were right there next to her!”
A tear trickled from Violetta’s eye. “They must be—”
“Perfectly splendid,” Tarvek sang from behind her. He turned and called behind him. “Agatha! Gil! I’ve found the last of them! They’re fine!”
Violetta stared. “Tarvek! Aren’t you dead?”
Tarvek laughed. “Ha! Of course not!” He practically radiated good heath and animal vigor. He picked both Sleipnir and Violetta off the floor, tucked them under his arms, and bounded back to the wreckage of the array, leaping over piles of half-melted machinery with the grace of a gazelle. “Agatha has fixed everything! I feel amazing! My mind has never been more clear!”
The clank angel was propped up against a shattered wall. It stared at Agatha as she stripped off the last remnants of carbonized machinery, brushed herself off, and began to dress.
“Inge-ge-genious.” The clank conceded, “to distribute the ex-ex-extra energy between the three of you.”
“Yes, and a good thing I did, too! Another forty-five point three seconds and I believe I would have exploded or something!” Agatha’s voice was still resonant with the Spark, but she was no longer floating, or even glowing. Her eyes had returned to normal, only shining with pride and excitement.
“…Or something.” The clank continued to stare at her. “Under the cir-cir-circumstances, I am forced to admit that you are most-most likely one-one-one of the family.”
Agatha stooped to examine a melted bit of circuitry and giggled. “I have got to try that again.”
“Yesss. Most likely in-in-indeed.”
Zeetha was lounging on one of the slabs watching Gil and Tarvek as they dressed. She was amusing herself by wondering when they would notice her close observation. Both were clearly so thrilled at the success of the procedure that they were happily missing every innuendo in her constant stream of suggestions, comparisons, and helpful advice. Finally, she gave up and asked a cogent question. “So you’re all cured now?”
“Oh, yes!” Gil said, lighting up at the question. “Cured, stabilized, and feeling quite fine!” He bounced up and down on the balls of his feet, grinning. “I imagine this must be what a post-revivification rush feels like.”
“Well, speaking from personal experience, it is quite similar.” Tarvek beamed at the coat that Violetta had flung at him, a long, canvas worker’s coat that reeked of mildew. It had obviously been abandoned for quite some time. “But more sustainable, I think.”
Gil meticulously straightened his waistcoat and turned to face Tarvek. “Ah, Sturmvarous,” he said grandly. “I see that you’ve recovered! How refreshing to hear you doing something other than whining or raving. A bit of a first, now that I think about it.”
Tarvek absentmindedly flicked a bit of burnt metal off his coat and squarely onto Gil’s shirt. “Ah, Wulfenbach. I must apologize,” he said in his most courtly manner. “I imagine when you discovered that your magnificent selfless gesture would actually inconvenience you for more then fifteen minutes—well, it must have been quite vexing. So sorry for the trouble.”
The two men stood eye-to-eye for several heartbeats, smiling beatifically.
Then, simultaneously, they lunged for each other’s throats, snarling.
Zeetha blinked, then looked around. “Agatha! You’re missing the show!”
Agatha strode over, still operating a screwdriver within a half-finished device. Zeetha saw that it was another one of Agatha’s little clanks. “Don’t we have enough of those? …By which I mean too many?”
Agatha sighed. “It’s just an idea I had. What’s the problem?”
Zeetha indicated the two men rolling about on the ground, shouting. Each was clearly determined to beat the other into submission.
Agatha nodded. “Oh, dear. Understandable, though.”
Zeetha grinned and raised her thumb approvingly. “This girl’s ego? Back up to speed!”
Agatha rolled her eyes and blew a lock of hair from her face. “What I mean is that all three of us are still suffering from a huge build-up of raw energy. I can feel it, too. It’s pressing against the inside of my head, filling my entire body with this urge to do something! We need to burn it off, preferably with short sustained bursts of physical or mental activity.” She hefted the small clank. “I myself was getting through it by assembling a new device. But since I’m apparently not allowed to work in peace… I’ll just have to join in.” She tossed the device to Zeetha and leapt toward Gil and Tarvek feet first. “You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves!” she thundered. “You fight like ducks!”
Tarvek and Gil looked up in shock, but it was too late. Agatha landed several well-aimed blows that had Zeetha alternatively nodding in approval and wincing sympathetically. In self-defense, the two turned from each other and tackled Agatha, trying to dodge her blows and catch her at the same time. All three were alternately laughing madly and yelping in pain.
Agatha tackled Gil and brought him down hard on Tarvek. She fell on top of them and struggled for purchase, wrapping one arm around Gil’s neck and grabbing the short knot of hair at the back of Tarvek’s head.
She was trying to shove her knee in Gil’s back when a sudden wave of water drenched all three. The combatants froze in place, blinking.
“Wow. That worked. I feel better now!” Agatha gasped.
Gil rubbed water out of his eyes. “Yeah, me too.”
“Same here.” Tarvek agreed.
Von Zinzer lowered his bucket.
“Um…good job,” Zeetha said.
Von Zinzer sniffed disapprovingly. “If that hadn’t worked, I’d have started hitting them with the bucket.”
Wet and dripping, Agatha, Gil and Tarvek stared at each other.
“But…it actually worked,” Agatha said. “We really did it. Wow.”
They threw their arms around each other and shouted with triumph.
/>
“Yes! Amazing! A successful triple Si Vales Valeo shutdown!” Tarvek gave Gil a squeeze around the shoulders. “That was brilliant!”
“Yeah!” Agatha said. “And no one’s a ravening monster or anything!”
“Ooh! Ooh!” Gil said. “You know what we should try next? Let’s hook everyone up to a larger array, and—”
Another bucket of water hit them. Von Zinzer glared at them. “Well?”
Agatha held up a sodden hand. “I said we’re better!” she protested.
Violetta stared in naked admiration at von Zinzer. Then she glanced sideways to see her expression mirrored on Snaug’s face. The woman looked ridiculous. Violetta shook herself and scowled.
Von Zinzer noticed none of this. “Think they’ll stay focused now?” he asked Zeetha.
“…Get another bucket,” she told him.
Agatha was back in control. “Okay, okay, that was great!” she grinned. “But work now, fun later. I’ve still got the Castle to sort out, and the town to defend.”
She hurried to the angel clank, which tipped its head to one side. “You-you-you—ah—” it muttered. A grinding noise began to rise, and a gout of steam blasted from one side of its head. The clank continued slowly tipping until it crashed to one side.
Agatha gave a shout of fear and fell to her knees at its side. “My Castle!” She tried to raise it in her arms, but it was too heavy.
“I-I-I malfun-fun-function…I-I—” the clank stammered.
“No, no, no, no! No malfunctioning!” Agatha cried. “I have plans for you!”
Gil looked interested. “Nice clank. How’d it get so messed up?”
“How indeed?” Zeetha eyed Higgs curiously.
Higgs looked unperturbed. “Hmmm. Sprocket weevils?”
