by Velvet Reed
No! I will not think about him again. He left and I haven’t heard from him. We’re not together anymore… Are we? Shaking my head to clear my thoughts I walk to the sink, turn the tap on and splash my face with the cool water. I’m so confused.
A hand gripping my shoulder jolts me and I turn to Tanner in my startled state. “You okay?” he asks tentatively.
He’s so caring and sweet. Everything I should want and need. If only I could stop loving Sam.
“I’m good,” I tell him, and I can see the skepticism in his eyes. “Did you find a movie?” I ask, moving away from him to grab the bowl of popcorn and place it on a tray beside a can of soda and bottle of beer.
Tanner picks up the tray and walks ahead of me back to the living room. “Funnily enough, Halloween is on and even though the guy is creepy as hell, I figured you’ll protect me if I get too scared.” He winks and gives me that trademark smirk of his, which instantly lightens the mood a little.
Settling back on to the couch I grab the popcorn bowl, propping it on a cushion between us before patting his tattooed arm condescendingly and biting my lip to quell the laughter that desperately wants to escape. “It’s okay, tough guy. We’ll leave the lights on to keep the bad man away.”
Pieces of popcorn fly through the air as if in slow motion and smack me straight in the face, putting a halt to my teasing. “Funny. Real funny, Ash.”
“Hey!” I screech. “That’s extra butter! Don’t waste it.” I quickly pick up the pieces and pop them in my mouth and find myself looking into Tanner’s warm laughing gaze.
“Okay let’s get this over with,” he says, grabbing his beer and taking a long pull, before getting more comfortable and stretching his arm out along the back of the couch.
The first half of the movie is spent with me in fits of giggles every time Tanner jumps and curses in response to Michael Myers appearances, but as it goes on, my eyes get progressively heavier and I give in to the exhaustion of the day, drifting into sleep.
Mommy and Daddy are already walking down the front steps when I reach the door so I run out onto the porch. “Mommy, wait!” I say. “You didn’t kiss me goodbye.” They both turn and Mommy’s eyes roll again and she says something but I don’t hear what is was.
They walk back to me and I wrap my arms around Mommy’s legs, and she pulls me away too fast. I like hugs but I don’t get to hug Mommy very often. “I’m going to have a great sleepover, Mommy, but I’m gonna miss you and Daddy so much,” I tell her.
She looks down at me and I want her to be happy so badly. “Good for you, Ashley. Try not to be too much trouble for your grandmother.”
Daddy pats my shoulder and then they walk back to our car, but Daddy turns around and says, “Are you coming?”
I turn around, confused at who Daddy’s talking to and I see him. He’s there beside me. I’m not a little girl anymore and the love of my life is standing beside me. “Sam,” I say and smile brightly as I take in his handsome face. He doesn’t look at me, doesn’t even acknowledge that I spoke his name. “Sam?” I say again, my smile quickly fading as confusion and anxiety begin to take hold. Why won’t he answer me? Why won’t he look at me?
Moving so that I’m right in front of him, I reach out in an effort to garner his attention and feel nothing but air. He’s gone. I quickly spin around and there he is again, this time his back is to me and he’s walking away. “Sam, wait!” I call out desperately. “Where are you going?” He continues walking to the car, to my parents. “Sam, please! Please don’t go.”
My feet won’t move no matter how hard I try. It’s as if they’re cemented to the pavement. I’m stuck. I look back to the car and watch as Sam opens the door to get in. “No!” I scream, reaching both arms out towards him. “Don’t leave me, Sam. Please don’t leave me.” My throat burns in pain with the high pitched plea that wrenches from my soul.
Tears begin to cascade down my face, and my heart beats rapidly in torturous agony. It’s unbearable. I won’t survive this. “Sam!” I try again, and finally he looks in my direction. I feel a second of reprieve, a second of hope, but then I see how devoid of any emotion his eyes are. I know he feels nothing. “Sam!” I whimper, softer this time, my outstretched hands opening and closing, begging him to come to me.
He stares straight through me, staying silent. I mean nothing at all to him and he’s leaving. Turning away he gets in the car and they drive off. My parents and Sam, leaving me behind without a word. Without a second thought. I stumble to my knees, my head hanging low and my hands fisting the desolate earth beneath me as I cry and scream for my loss. How could they do this to me? How is it that I mean absolutely nothing to them? I loved them, I loved all of them. Especially Sam. Sam. “NO!” I scream. “Nooooooo!”
“Ashley!” I hear my name. “Ashley, wake up.” Tanner. Tanner’s frantic voice penetrates the remnants of my dream and brings me back. Crying and shaking, I find myself nestled on his lap, safely confined in the comfort of his strong arms.
“It was just a dream, baby. It was just a dream. It’s all over now. I’m here. I’ve got you,” he croons, soothing me with long strokes from my head, down my back, repeating the action over and over again.
I desperately grapple for some strength, for some reason to try and stop the pain. I can’t keep going on like this. One little thought of Sam and the stupid damn nightmares start all over again. I need to let it go, let him go. He’s done this to me, made me into this mess. I can’t allow him and my feelings for him to have this kind of control over me. I can’t allow any thought of him to reduce me to this pathetic shell of the person I used to be. I won’t allow it any longer.
Raising my face to his, I look at the man who has stood by my side these past months. He’s done nothing but care for me and make me happy. Tanner can fix me. Tanner can make the pain go away.
His soothing strokes continue and his face shows his sympathy and concern. Tentatively, I reach up and cup his cheek with my palm, my gaze flittering between his warm brown eyes and his lush looking lips. Momentary confusion crosses his features before awareness sets in.
“Ash?” he questions hesitantly, and I answer by inching forward and curiously pressing my lips to his.
Tanner doesn’t respond at first. He simply holds still and lets my lips caress his with slow delicate pressure. A bubble of uncertainty begins to rise within me but I tamp it down, unwilling to give in to the doubt and pain. When I glide my tongue along the seam of his mouth, Tanner relents and becomes an active participant in my seduction.
He kisses me with languid sips of my lips. With each flick of the tongue, each swallowed moan and tender caress, the heat rises between us.
“Ash,” he whispers, and when I moan out ‘Mmmm’, he pulls me closer.
I only think about one thing. Tanner. His kiss. His touch. I focus only on the man holding me and I give myself over to the need he’s creating within me. The need to be loved, shown love and give love. My hands trail down his chest, feeling every firm crest and dip as they move lower. When I get to his jeans, I tug at his shirt, pulling it free so now my hands get to explore skin to skin. The warmth emanating from his body is heating my blood. He moves forward, breaking our kiss and tugs the shirt over his head, tossing it somewhere to his left. His torso is spectacular in all its defined glory and so different from anything I’m used to.
Straddling him, my core comes in contact with his hard length straining against the zipper of his jeans. He gives a guttural groan and I reward the response by rocking against him, the pressure sending sparks of arousal like lightning through my clenching pussy. This is what I need.
Tanner’s actions become frenzied, as he attacks my neck, licking and sucking alternatively. His hands grab the hem of my shirt and pull it up high enough to present him with my breasts, where he promptly buries his face in my cleavage. Grabbing the hair at the back of his head I hold him there, relishing the delicious sensations rocketing through my system. I feel myself get wetter as he runs
his nose from the valley of my breasts, up the incline to the peak, where, through the lace of my bra, he captures my beaded nipple between his teeth.
The sting makes me gasp, but it’s a fine line between pleasure and pain. The pleasure wins and I push my aching breast into his face, wanting more. Tanner pulls back and smiles up at me. It’s his flirty smile and combined with the desire shining bright in his eyes, it make my stomach dip and my heart rate increase further.
He kisses my mouth again, “If you only knew the things I want to do to you. Do with you,” he says huskily, then removes my shirt completely.
Still straddling his lap with our groins perfectly aligned, he stares at me with blatant appreciation. I bite my lip causing his eyes to burn, his nostrils to flare and a low, rough growl rises from deep in his throat as he grabs me and crashes his lips back on mine. Nimble fingers make quick work out of unclasping my bra and setting my heavy breasts free. When our heated flesh is flush against each other, his cock jerks, and excitement soars through my veins. Yes! I definitely need this.
I dip my hands down to his jeans again, running my finger beneath the band towards the button as Tanner kisses down to my jaw and neck.
I’m just about to flick open the button when he murmurs against my collarbone, “Beautiful. So fucking beautiful.”
It’s like being dowsed with a bucket full of ice cold water. Only one other person has ever called me ‘Beautiful’ and he used it as my pet name. I close my eyes and do everything I can to not think about him calling me that, but Tanner has obviously realized I’ve frozen in place and stops as well.
It’s silent for a moment as I sit here naked from the waist up, chest heaving in Tanner’s lap. Then strong, calloused hands cup either side of my face gently and I feel the softest feather light touch on my lips.
“Open your eyes, Ash,” Tanner whispers, but I shake my head no, because for God’s sakes, I’ve gotten both of us worked up and I’m not going to finish it. “Baby, open your eyes and look at me…please.”
The endearment catches me off guard, though I vaguely recall him saying it earlier after the dream, and I open my eyes to look at this beautiful man with an apology already on the tip of my tongue. I expect to see frustration and maybe a touch of anger in his gaze, but all that is there is understanding.
“It’s okay, baby,” he implores. “I let us get carried away and it’s too fast. I’m sorry.”
Oh lord, why is he apologizing to me? I’m the one who started this.
“I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t into it, or that I don’t want more, because clearly I do.” He moves his hips up and his hard-on creates a delicious friction with my pussy. “I like you, Ash. I like you a hell of a lot, and I’d love nothing more than to explore this thing between us and see where it goes. But I know you’re not one hundred percent ready. I’m a patient man and we’ll take this as slow as you need. Even if that requires a few cold showers.” He chuckles on that last part and in an effort to lighten the mood, I do, too. “I’m here for you, Ash, and I’m not going anywhere.”
I feel terrible and it’s impossible to stop the few tears that trickle down my cheeks. He has to be the sweetest, most patient man on the planet and I don’t deserve him… but I need him. “I’m sorry, Tanner,” I tell him and the hopeful look on his face falls a little before I continue. “I’m sorry I got us in this current state. You shouldn’t have to wait for me. I’m still a mess, obviously, but if you’re willing to take things slow, then I’m willing to try.”
His eyes light up and the flirty smile returns to his face.
“I’m so glad you agree,” he says and pulls me in for a hug. Bare breast to bare chest, the smattering of hair tickles my nipples and I can’t help the naughty parts of my brain from wanting to say ‘the hell with it’ and rip the remaining clothes from our bodies. Fortunately, Tanner is a man of his word and lets me go to grab my shirt and help me put it back on to form a barrier between our needy bodies. It may be a very thin barrier, but it’s a barrier all the same.
Climbing off his lap, I locate my bra and pick it up, though not willing to take my shirt off again, so I hastily throw it on the armchair. Tanner stands glancing around before he finds his own shirt and slips it on. An unmistakable bulge is still prominent in his jeans and when he catches my gaze there, he chuckles and readjusts himself. It can’t be comfortable. “I’m so sorry,” I tell him again.
“Like I said, if I get to have even a little of you the way we just were then I’m willing to endure a few cold showers, Ash.” His smile is mischievous but I know what a cold shower will entail for him. “Come on, I think it’s time to call it a night. Walk me out?”
I take the hand he offers me and as soon as we touch, he links his fingers through mine. Opening the door, he steps out and turns so that I’m still on the small step, which gives me a few more inches in height. Letting go of my hand, he moves his to my hips and holds me in place. “Make sure you lock up,” he instructs.
“I will.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I say.
He leans in closer and whispers, “Night, baby.” He kisses me again, slowly, and I melt into it, wrapping my arms around his neck while his move to my lower back. There’s no excessive use of tongue, just a few flicks here and there, before he pulls back and smiles down at me. “Sweet dreams, Ash.” Then with one more, quick peck, he turns and bounds down the steps to his car.
“Night, Tanner,” I call after him just as he’s getting in and the look I get in return is one full of happiness and promise.
Stepping inside I close the door and secure the locks before leaning heavily against it. Placing my trembling fingers to my swollen lips, I think about Tanner, tonight and the last few months.
“You didn’t want me, Sam,” I say to the quiet house. “Even though I loved you, you didn’t want me.” My heart skips a beat and my eyes prick with tears as I come to a heart wrenching conclusion. “I may not love Tanner like I loved you, like I still love you, but he wants me. He wants me and you don’t. So I’m going to try to be with him. I’m going to try to let you go.”
I have no idea what I thought saying those words out loud would achieve because they bring no relief. All they do is leave a throbbing ache deep inside me and a small sense of determination to really try to move on with my life. To move on with Tanner. Pushing away from the door, I turn everything off as I head for my bedroom, knowing that after tonight I have to push all thoughts of Sam away for good. I’ll allow myself to remember me and Sam one last time.
My heart beats unevenly in my chest as I sink onto my bed and the memories come flooding back. The first time I saw him, the months of antagonizing each other, Sam comforting me after Gracie’s accident, finally becoming a couple, the kisses, the lovemaking. Tears run unchecked onto my pillow, and the memories keep coming. Hawaii, the waterfall, Sam asking me to move in with him, Sam disappearing, my heart breaking. I close my eyes and sob out the one thing I never imagined I would before I fall into a fitful sleep.
“Goodbye, Sam.”
I’ve been coming to this bar, which is a few blocks from my hotel, several times a week since I’ve been here. There’s plenty of women and they’ve made their interest abundantly clear. I’ve had breasts thrust into my face and drinks bought for me. I’ve danced and been grinded against. I’ve had my junk manhandled and outright propositions for sex, threesomes and blow jobs. I declined them all… until last night.
When she sat beside me, her hair instantly caught my attention. It was the same. The exact same color as Ashley’s. When the girl turned my way her blue eyes shone with unshed tears. I’ve never been good with seeing women cry, I’ve never known how to react. Except that one time after Gracie’s accident when I found Ash distraught and pulled her into my arms to offer comfort without a second thought. This girl was a stranger, though, so I simply asked if she was okay.
I bought her a few drinks while she told me all about her boyfriend
leaving her. She’d moved across the country to be with him, only to be dumped a few months later. A few drinks turned into a few more, which turned into flirting and for the first time in a long time I was talking freely. I don’t remember everything I told her but I do remember telling her about not being with Ashley and how much it hurt.
The next thing I knew, her tongue was down my throat and we were on the verge of going for it right there at the bar. After a quick cab ride, we were back in my hotel room and I was standing before a naked woman spread-eagled across the king-sized bed. In my alcohol haze, I kept thinking that if I did this I could forget. It would help me move on and erase my memories of another blonde.
She had me undressed and on my back in seconds and my fingers were diving into long strands that didn’t have even the slightest curl to them. I let my hands explore while she kissed, licked and sucked my neck. Finally feeling something, even if it was only physical, I closed my eyes and let my other senses take over. Then… I could see her. I could see her smiling at me as we lay side by side next to a clear lagoon. I could see her standing on a stage, her melodious voice captivating the crowd while she gazed down at me, her beautiful blue eyes full of love. I could see her holding a baby, looking down at the little bundle in awe, then placing a kiss on my lips.
I expelled a ragged moan and then hungrily surrendered myself to her. I kissed her with wild abandon, wanting to give everything, take everything and be everything she needed me to be.
“Ash,” I groaned against her soft, swollen lips. “Ash, I love you. Please forgive me. I’ll never leave you again.” She whimpered as my tongue plundered her mouth briefly before I declared again, “God, Ashley, I love you so much.” Another frenzied kiss. “I love you.”
