Her head falls to the side and she rolls her eyes. “Do you not know anything about his family? Man, what do the two of you talk about when you’re up all night on the phone together?”
My stomach clenches. “Wait, how do you know we talk at night?” I never told her about our late night calls, knowing she would bug me about them ruthlessly.
She rolls her eyes again. “Well, first of all, I’m not stupid. Second, our walls are paper thin, and third, I may have been a little nosy one night.” She grins guiltily.
My mouth falls open as she laughs nervously. “Don’t be mad. It took me forever to figure it out. It wasn’t until Josh mentioned that Carter had been talking on the phone at night, too, that I finally put two and two together.”
“I can’t believe you spied on me,” I scoff.
“Well, what was I supposed to do?” She frowns. “I’ve been trying to get you to talk to me for months… months, Holly. I was kind of hurt that you were talking to someone else. One night, I was curious to know who my best friend was telling all of her secrets to, if it wasn’t me.”
My eyes scan over her face and it’s clear that she’s being honest, she really is hurt.
“Sorry, I guess I didn’t think about it that way,” I apologize. “The only reason I didn’t say anything was because I knew you would read too much into it. He’s just really easy to talk to, maybe it’s because he was there that night at the hospital and I feel connected to him in a certain way.”
Her mouth drops open and it looks like she’s about to cry. At first I’m confused by her expression, but then I realize what I just said. “Oh no, Jenna that was not a dig at you. I swear. That came out way wrong.”
She shakes her head. “No, I get it. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. At first I was jealous that you were talking to someone else, but then, the more I thought about it, I was just happy that you were at least talking to someone. Josh felt the same way. I think he wanted Carter to come to him with his problems, but when he found out it was you, he was just happy that the two of you had each other.”
“We don’t talk about anything serious, though, so you don’t have to be that jealous.” I smile.
“So what do you guys talk about?” Her sad expression is replaced with a naughty grin.
I can’t help laughing. “Boring stuff. All PG and, since it doesn’t involve sex, you wouldn’t be interested.” She gives me a playful glare. “But we’ve gotten way off track. Tell me what’s going on with his family.”
She shrugs and the playful look she’s wearing disappears. “He and his family, they’ve just been through a lot in the past few years.”
“Okay.” I swallow hard and grip the pillow tight in my hands.
“A few years ago, Carter’s brother died in Afghanistan. It hit his family pretty hard. Josh says that none of them were the same after it happened. Then, last spring, Carter’s dad died suddenly of a heart attack. From what Josh tells me he and Carter were really, really close. It was really tough on his whole family, but Carter took it especially hard.” Jenna pauses for a second. “Carter doesn’t want you to know and I don’t want Josh getting his ass kicked for telling me. My guy is strong, but your guy can totally take him. I’ve done such a good job at keeping my mouth shut, but with how close the two of you have gotten, I thought you should know. Whatever you do, though, don’t tell him that you know anything.” She looks over to me.
“Yeah, sure, of course,” I assure her, looking down at the ground, lost in thought.
“No more depressing talk, though, it’s your birthday,” she says. “Besides, you have to open your gift.”
I look up, wondering how she could so easily jump from one subject to another without blinking an eye. “Nice segue, Jenna.”
“Sorry, but I’ve been dying to give you this all day.” She jumps off the bed and is down on her knees, looking under her bed, shuffling a few things around.
“Jenna, you shouldn’t have gotten me anything. You’ve already done enough over the last few months—years actually—and now I’m crashing your family’s Thanksgiving.”
“Correction, you saved me from Thanksgiving this year,” she replies as she sits back on her ankles and pushes herself up off the floor. “Plus, my family loves you. I think they would trade me for you, straight up… especially my brother. I’m pretty sure he writes your name, draws hearts around it, and probably thinks about you when—“
“Jenna, please,” I interrupt her, shaking my head in disgust. “I don’t know what you were about to say, but whatever it was... gross. Your brother is sixteen.”
“Exactly.” She shoves a pink bag, exploding with white tissue paper into my hands. “Now, just remember, keep an open mind.”
“Really, you shouldn’t have,” I say, taking it from her, “but thank you.”
She giggles and sits back on the bed, pulling her legs up off the floor and crossing them underneath her. She has a mischievous grin on her face and now I’m not only suspicious of what’s in the bag, I’m nervous. Carefully, I remove the tissue paper, ready for something to pop out and hit me in the face or something. After digging to the bottom I reach in and pull out a small, black velvet bag with a drawstring. I wiggle it open and peer inside. At first I’m not even sure what it is and then, when I realize what it is, I pull the strings back tight, closing it up.
“You didn’t…” my voice trails off and I feel my face burning to a thousand degrees, getting hotter by the second.
“Yes. Yes, I did.”
Then she starts to laugh, a little at first and then, within seconds, she’s hysterical. She stares at me with tears falling down her cheeks. “Holly, your face is so red, I think steam is about to come out of your ears,” she manages to say through her laughter. “Come on. It perfectly natural to have a vibrator at your age. Actually, I think it’s a bit unnatural not to.”
“Um, yeah, thank you,” I ramble incoherently, hoping she’ll back off and not badger me about it. “It’s a very… thoughtful gift. Thanks again.”
She groans. “Ugh, you’re such a prude. Am I going to have to show you how to turn it on? Here give it to me.” She lunges for the bag and I pull it to my chest.
“No, I’ll be okay, promise. I’m sure I can figure it out.”
She rolls her eyes, but as hard as she tries, she can’t keep her laugh contained. “You’re so funny. I’m sure your engineer of a boyfriend could help you with the mechanics of it. I’m sure you wouldn’t have to ask him twice on how to turn it on.” She’s laughing so hard now that’s she’s rolled onto her back, holding her stomach and is having trouble breathing. I pull the pillow from my lap and stuff my face into it.
Chapter Seventeen
A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.
~ Dave Matthews Band
HOLLY
We’ve been back home for a few days and I still haven’t talked to Carter. We’ve exchanged a few text messages, but haven’t talked about anything major, or said anything about the kiss or what we both agreed to think about over the break. My heart and my mind have been disagreeing on what they want and what they think they should do. I’ve played it all out in my head, knowing what could happen to us if, for some reason, we try to be more and it doesn’t work out. Everyone says that, no matter what, they can remain friends, but it never seems to work out that way. Over the past few days, I’ve only been able to come to one conclusion, one thing I know for sure, and that is that I don’t want to lose him, I can’t lose him.
When we got back to the apartment a couple days ago, Josh was waiting for us. He and Jenna have been locked in her bedroom ever since. Well, except to eat and shower. I saw them go into her bathroom together yesterday morning and thanked my lucky stars we each have our own. After some of the things Carter has told me that he witnessed between the two of them, I’m wishing we each had our own kitchen, too
. So, in order to give them some space and to put myself out of my misery of seeing them happy and in love, I’ve been spending most of my time at the library with Becca.
It’s not that I’m annoyed or angry at Jenna, I’m actually really happy for her. If I’m being totally honest with myself, I’m actually a little jealous of her. Okay, a lot jealous of her. I envy what she has, how her eyes light up every time she sees Josh and, even more, how his eyes do the same. A few months ago, I swore off love forever, never wanting to give it another chance because I had been burned so badly the last time I gave my heart away.
Tonight, Becca and I have planned to meet up at the library to study. Finals are still a few weeks away, but I need all the studying I can get. When I pull up in the school parking lot, it’s packed with cars, but I find a great spot right up front. I’m about a half hour early and I know that Becca probably isn’t here yet, but I was eager to get out of the apartment.
When I walk in and scan the library for an open table, I stop short and can’t believe who I’m seeing. I had never seen him in here before. Carter’s sitting a few tables down, his head is buried in a book, and he looks to be concentrating really hard on something. I’m tempted to turn away and head towards the other side of the room, but I realize that this is exactly what I don’t want to happen between us. I don’t want that kiss to affect our friendship. It’s still up in the air on whether or not we are going to move onto the next level, but whatever happens, I don’t want to lose him, or for things to be awkward between us.
“Hey,” I say, keeping my voice low, instantly feeling bad for interrupting him.
He looks up to meet my gaze. “Oh, hey.”
“How are you?”
He shrugs. “I’m okay. You?”
“I’m good.” I nod and smile, but on the inside I’m reeling at how different things feel between us, cringing at our exchanges.
A couple girls turn our way, looking annoyed, and I smile apologetically.
“So, how was your Thanksgiving?” I ask.
He looks back towards his book and a wave of pain crosses his face. “It was… alright.”
I want to ask him about his mom, but I’m not sure how to approach the subject without throwing Jenna under the bus. “How’s your sister?” I ask instead.
He presses his lips together and then says, “She’s doing okay.”
I want to confront him about our kiss and see if he thought about us at all over the break, but it doesn’t seem like the appropriate time or place. With the cold shoulder he’s giving me and the awkwardness between us, I’m wishing the kiss hadn’t happened at all. The feelings I have been struggling with for the past few weeks are still with me, but the longer I sit here, the more clear it becomes that Carter has made his decision. He doesn’t look happy to see me. He doesn’t even act like he missed me all that much. Maybe he realizes he just wants to be my friend and that he’s been mistaken about his feelings for me.
Now, more than ever, I wish that I could go back in time to that night and take back the words that came out of my mouth. I just want us back... the way we were.
There is a long silence between us and the heaviness in my chest is getting stronger with each passing second. “Well, I won’t take up any more of your time. Good luck with studying,” I say, trying to keep my voice even.
“Yeah, I’ll see ya.”
When I walk off, I expect him to stop me, to tell me that he misses me, to tell me that he wants me, but he doesn’t say anything.
CARTER
It’s five in the morning and I haven’t slept a minute all night. The way I treated Holly at the library the other day has been eating away at me the past few days. It’s all I’ve thought about, yet I’ve been too much of a pussy to call her and talk to her about it. I should have called her that night and apologized for being a jerk, but I didn’t. I’m not sure why, but ever since the night of our kiss, knowing the feelings I have for her are strong; it scares the shit out of me.
Before we shared that amazing kiss, things between us were simple, easy. Now, it’s just complicated as hell. That night, when I asked her to think about what she really wanted, I was trying to protect her and what we had. There’s not a doubt in my mind that every part of me wants her, but I’m also scared to lose her... I can’t lose her. I know now that I’ve been pushing her away and I’m going to lose her one way or the other if I don’t quit acting like an ass.
So how the hell am I supposed to be friends with a girl that I’m crazy about, but I’m not sure if I should be with? As far as I can tell, there are only two answers to that question—the two answers I’ve been analyzing in my head as I lay here and stare at my ceiling. It’s not hard to figure out that I can’t have it both ways. Either I have to push my feelings for her aside—as hard as that may be—and we go back to being friends. Or I have to tell her how I really feel about her, tell her the truth about what happened the night on the mountain, and take the risk of losing her forever.
As I try to talk myself out of wanting her, I want her even more. My chest is aching for her—her smile, her laugh, her touch—and then it hits me. I know what I have to do. Flinging the covers back, I climb out of bed and throw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt.
❧
As I’m walking up her apartments steps, I turn around and head back down a few times before finally making it to the top. When I was laying in bed, showing up and surprising her to tell her how I really feel about her seemed like a good idea, but now, I’m not so sure.
Forcing myself to just do it, I raise my hand, knock on her door and wait. It seems like minutes pass with no sounds from the inside, so I knock again. Another minute or so passes and I hear some shuffling behind the door and then a panicked voice curses on the other side of it. When the door opens, I see Holly standing there in a long t-shirt, her hair a mess and she’s staring at me with a confused expression. I can’t help thinking how beautiful she looks, though.
“Carter?”
“Hey.” I smile. “You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here, huh?”
“Um, yeah. What time is it?” she asks.
“I don’t know, probably six or so.”
Her eyebrows knit, looking more confused than ever. “Um, okay...”
“Can I come in?” I ask her after a long minute of just standing there.
“Oh, yeah, sorry, come in.” She opens the door wider and I walk through.
“Are one of those for me?” she asks, eyeing the three cups of coffee sitting in the holder I have in my hand, looking like she needs it in order to fully wake up. I figured if I was going to show up before sun rises, the least I could do was bring coffee with me.
“Yeah,” I say, taking one and handing it to her.
She takes a quick sip and then looks back over at me. “What are you doing here? Actually,” she holds up her hand stopping me, “hold that thought, I’m going to get dressed.”
“Holly, what’s going on? Who was—oh, hi, Carter. Carter!?” Jenna squints her sleepy eyes at me. “What the hell are you doing here so early? It’s not even light out yet.”
“I came to see Holly.”
She sighs and shakes her head at me. “If I didn’t love that girl so much and want her to be happy, I’d kick you right in the balls for showing up here this early,” Jenna says, dragging herself out of her bedroom and glaring at me.
“I brought some coffee for you, too.” I hold out a cup of coffee for her to take. “For some reason, I had you pegged for a morning person,” I say, smiling. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Holly folding in her lips, trying not to smile.
“Sorry, Jenna. We didn’t mean to wake you. Just go back to bed,” Holly says.
“Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.” Jenna glowers at us, takes the coffee from my outstretched hand, and heads back down the hall.
“Will you let me take you somewhere?” I ask Holly before I lose my nerve.
“Now?” She looks at me, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I want to talk to you... about the other day at the library and some other stuff. I picked up the phone to call you probably a hundred times, but I just decided to get in my car and drive over here.”
“O—kay,” she draws out the word. “Let me go get dressed.”
My eyes follow her down the hall and I call out to her before she disappears into her bedroom. “Oh, Holly.”
“Yeah?” She turns around to face me.
“Dress warm.”
A small smile tugs at her lips before she closes the door.
❧
When we pull up to the lake, I hop out and meet Holly at the front of my car.
“Aren’t we right by your house?” she asks, looking around.
“Yeah, a couple miles. When I go out for runs, I usually end up here. It’s peaceful here, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it is,” she says, looking around and then turning to smile at me.
“C’mon, I’ll show you my favorite spot.”
Taking her hand in mine, and not thinking twice about it, I lead her down the hill until we come to a picnic table on the edge of the lake. I hop on top of it and take a seat, patting the space beside me. She smiles at me again, but I can see that she’s wondering what the hell we’re doing here.
“Gosh, it’s amazing out here,” she says, looking out across the lake and up towards the mountains in front of us. The sun has just risen and is casting an orange glow on the peaks in front of us.
“Yeah, it is. Ever since I was a kid, this has been my favorite spot. I used to come here with my dad and older brother. We’d fish all day and only come home when the sun had gone down and we couldn’t see our lines anymore.”
She glances over at me with a pained expression, like she’s staring right into my soul, understanding the pain I’m feeling. However, I know she can’t know what pain comes with talking about my dad and brother because I’ve never told her. It’s taken me so long to finally figure it out, but I know now that I want to tell her, I want to tell her the truth about everything. I want to tell her how I feel about her. I want to tell her about the night of the accident and explain to her that I did everything I could to save Adam. I want to tell her I’m sorry that she ever had to feel the loss of someone.
Fall From Love Page 19
