by Mary Hogan
Dedication
To my dad
Edward Arthur Barbera
1924–2012
Epigraph
“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”
JOHN BANVILLE, THE SEA
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Acknowledgments
P.S. Insights, Interviews & More . . .*
About the Author
About the Book
Also by Mary Hogan
Copyright
About the Publisher
Chapter One
I NEVER MEANT FOR IT TO HAPPEN. THOUGH, ISN’T THAT what they all say? My heart was at the wheel; my mind and body were buckled, helpless, in the backseat? Lola was along for the ride, of course. Best friends like her appear only once or twice or maybe three times in a lifetime.
Lola—leggy, striking, indifferent—was standing a few feet back when love broadsided me. More precisely, when lust hit in a T-bone collision. Because that’s what it was. Blind and combustible want. A longing so fiery I felt like a flushed teenager. As if I would incinerate if we didn’t connect.
“Lola. Look.”
She didn’t look. She hated to be told what to do. Silently, I pulled her closer. You were surrounded by red geraniums, lit by summer’s lemon macaron of a sun. Brazenly, I lifted my chin to take in your full height. Tall, stately, a touch of gray. Never had I seen such a flawless exterior, so utterly smooth. I longed to reach my hand up, touch, stroke gently with the backs of my fingers. My eyelids quivered. Lola couldn’t bear to look at my foolishness.
I stepped forward; Lola stepped back. We both paused at the base of your granite steps, scrubbed and sparkling. The two of us squinted in the gleam bouncing off your front door. Your glass sat behind a swirl of wrought iron, within a rectangle of shiny black trim. The fluid finish was clearly the work of an ox-hair brush. And, of course, a superior undercoat. Probably Hollandlac. Worth every dollar. Bookending your regal entrance were two holly shrubs, shaped to conical perfection. Above them, copper light fixtures with the dusty gray of a natural patina. Peaked bulbs resembled a gaslight’s dancing flames.
“I’m going in.” My legs lifted me up the steps. Lola hung back. The leather strap in my hand slipped through my fingers. I reached for your brass grip—rub-polished with a chamois, not a cloth, to a depth of gold that stole my breath. Inside, I saw a marble vestibule. Mosaic edging. Beyond it—was that stained glass?
“May I help you?”
From within your vast lobby, a doorman appeared. His uniform was sedate: black slacks and bow tie, short-sleeved white shirt. No stiff suit with brass buttons or epaulets. No white gloves or pilot hat. Understated class. Like you. He was in his late thirties, early forties, maybe. Cocky in a sexy sort of way. He opened the door and blocked my entrance.
“I, um, well, see—” What exactly could I say? I’d been walking down the street, teetering on the brink of despair, when blam, I fell in love with his building? Its perfection tugged me up the stairs as if I were in a trance? My heart knew that nothing bad could happen to me beyond its guarded doors. Inside, I would be forever safe.
I blinked at him. He stared at me. Silently, I debated ways to explain my desire without sounding demented. Could I confess that, lately, I felt like I was living in the middle of an icy lake? Cracks everywhere. Frozen in panic. At any moment, I could be plunged into its frigid depths? Was managing emotional terror part of a doorman’s purview? Or was he primarily there for the dry-cleaning delivery?
“Your dog, ma’am.” The doorman flicked his head.
I wheeled around. Lola had followed her nose into the middle of the street.
“Come!” I yelled.
She didn’t come. Of course not. She never came when I called, only when I didn’t want her underfoot, like when I was searching the floor for a dropped Xanax.
Thankfully, we were on Hudson Crescent, a curved sliver of leafy street tucked into a nook between Riverside Drive and West End Avenue. A patch of green separated the Crescent from the Drive, so Lola wasn’t in danger of being flattened by a bus or a speeding cab. Hardly anyone even walked on the Crescent. Which was why I’d taken this route into the park. So I could hide. So I could cry behind my sunglasses.
Nonetheless, I flew down the steps into the street to grab Lola’s leather leash. She had no car savvy. None. If a car did decide to loop off the Drive and onto the Crescent, Lola would stare at it with her stoner eyes, annoyed by the rubbery smell of its tires.
With Lola’s leash firmly in hand, I pulled her onto the sidewalk. Stupidly, I said, “Good girl,” even though she’d been bad. The doorman had stepped outside. I didn’t want him to think I was one of those emotional wrecks who spank a child or a dog out of fear.
“Heel,” I added, yanking Lola in line.
Standing like a sentry on your top granite step, the doorman crossed his arms over his chest. His body language said, “Move along, missy.” I opened my mouth to protest, to tell him I only looked like a dog walker with my dusty sneakers and saggy denim shorts. But, suddenly, I saw myself as he saw me: a middle-aged woman with love handles. A buyer of clothes from Target, because, well, why not? A person with no business in his building. What had I been thinking? A building like you would never go for a woman in my current state. Silently, I cursed myself for not wearing lipstick. For not brushing my hair or maybe even my teeth that morning. How had I let things unravel so?
With a lovesick sigh, I flapped a melancholy wave and moved along. Lola squirted a spritz of pee onto the base of your ornate streetlight, telling him, in her own way, that we would be back.
“Good girl,” I muttered under my breath.
We walked through the Crescent to the path in the green that led to the Drive. There, we waited for the light before crossing the street into Riverside Park. As we ventured deeper into the trees, I felt our connection tug at my back. Was that stained glass beyond your lobby? Had I seen a brass railing? Did front apartments have a mind-blowing view of the river?
Once more, I felt the exhilaration of desire.
Lola pressed her nose into a clump of ryegrass and inhaled. I sighed. After it was all over, maybe we could live in that pristine place? With a doorman in a bow tie to keep unpleasantness outside your wrought-iron door, I’d forget the heartache of our trip to Spain, the incident that had started the downhill tumble. I’d forgive myself for looking away when so many signs were in front of my face. My messy life would be tidy again.
By the end of our walk that day, I was sure. Determined, even. Eleven Eighteen Hudson Crescent was where Lola and I would relocate. After. So I could remember the inferno of love.
Chapter Two
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IT’S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT LIGHT IN SPAIN. IT’S UNLIKE any other. Especially late in the day, when a persimmon sun begins to melt. Paul and I watched the colors of Málaga change from pink to purple to red on the patio of our rented cottage. We drank glasses of cherry-colored wine straight from the barrels of Casa de Guardia. Fresh figs—plucked from a tree at the foot of the mountain—lodged their seeds in our teeth; wedges of Idiazabal cheese released a smoky aroma into the air.
“We should live like this at home,” I said, languidly. “Tapas y vino.”
“And siestas.” Paul suggestively bobbed his abundant eyebrows up and down. He stretched his palm out; I rested my hand on top of it and squeezed. After all these years, I liked that my husband still wanted to make love in the afternoon. Tilting my head in a seductive way, I said, “In your chambers? On your desk?” Two weeks of Spanish bliss were his gift to me. The least I could do was return the favor.
Paul erupted in the laugh I fell in love with. Deep and unapologetic. “¿Por qué no?”
Why not, indeed?
All summer, back home in Manhattan, Paul’s ex had been popping over unannounced. “Fay!” she’d chirp into our intercom. Only she made it a two-syllable word: Fay-ee. It irked me to no end. Nearly as grating as the name my parents gave me at birth: Faith. What were they thinking? Combined with my original last name, Thayer, it’s impossible to say both without sounding like you have a lisp. Faith Thayer. Thee? The moment I left home for college, I abbreviated it to “Fay” and have never looked back. Besides, “Faith” sounds so Sister Wives. As if I live with Hope and Charity in a sprawling Utah colonial, counting the days until it’s my turn to peel back the covers and invite my polygamist husband into bed.
“Fay-ee!”
“Who’s this?” I knew. Of course. Our duplex in an old New York brownstone has only a front-door buzzer. No video intercom, no doorman to keep the riffraff out. All I can do is press the audio button and say, “Yes?” whenever the buzzer ignites Lola’s barking frenzy. The way it did the week before we left for Spain.
“Is Paul home?” Brenda, no dummy, knew I recognized her voice.
Bark, bark.
“He’s in court. As he is every day.”
“I’ve come all the way from Jersey.”
“Still. Not home.”
I was working. Paint was drying.
“Mind if I come in for a minute?”
Bark, bark.
“Shut it!”
“Excuse me?” Brenda’s mood often turned on a dime.
“Lola is going berserk.”
Contrary to her volume when the front door buzzes, Lola isn’t a beagle or a mini schnauzer or a Westie. She’s a large hound blend from a kill shelter in Arkansas. The seedy circumstances of her conception—a rushed encounter behind a gas station Dumpster, I heard—nonetheless produced a uniquely stunning girl. Her short white coat is speckled with black; her silver flop-over ears are as soft as rabbit fur. People who don’t know dogs—and kids—think she’s a Dalmatian.
“She has freckles, not spots.” I smile to camouflage my displeasure whenever my genius girl is mistaken for one of those numbskulls from the Disney movie.
Paul and I have been unable to stop Lola’s buzzer barking for her entire eight-year life. Protecting her turf is hardwired into her DNA. As is her feline demeanor. When she’s not barking at the door, Lola is as haughty as a Russian Blue. She’s always been more cat than dog.
“Have you tried a shock collar?” Brenda asked through the intercom.
I buzzed her in. As I always did. What else could I do?
Brenda’s latest reason for dropping by from her home in Ridgewood, New Jersey—a full twenty miles away—was to announce that she had reinvented herself as a meditation coach. Whatever the hell that was. “How nice for you,” I said, not offering a chair or even a glass of water.
“I was wondering . . .”
I stifled an eye roll. Those were the three words Brenda Agarra used most around me and my husband.
“I was wondering, Paul, if you might consider upping my alimony.”
“I was wondering if you knew anyone who’s interested in buying a used mattress?”
Honestly, I wondered how my husband could ever have married such a flake. “Youth.” That’s all Paul had to say about that. He was too much of a gentleman to bad-mouth the mother of his son. He was also too generous to curtail Brenda’s intrusion in our lives. I’d be happy if she was barred from the city entirely. Some roadblock, maybe, on the George Washington Bridge? I mean, the woman has a whole house in New Jersey. She thinks I should electrocute my dog. Still, I put up and shut up for the sake of a happy family. Bad blood between an ex and a current never does anyone any good. Too many scheduling conflicts at Thanksgiving.
“I was wondering,” Brenda said that day, “if Paul would consider a personal loan so I can build a meditation studio behind the house.”
Again, I quashed the urge to roll my eyes.
“What kind of repayment schedule are we talking here, Brenda?”
“Hm. I’ll have to meditate on that.”
When Paul got home that night, we both had a hearty laugh.
My husband was right. As judges tend to be. A vacation in Spain was exactly what I needed. Bare feet on warm Saltillo tile. Time in slo-mo. Dinner at ten. Wine at five. Siestas. Lazy afternoons making love. Me and my man. Life as it should be.
“To us,” Paul said, raising his glass into the auburn light.
Chapter Three
IT SHOULDN’T HAVE WORKED. PAUL AGARRA, A SITTING New York State Supreme Court criminal judge, was forty-five when we met; I was twenty-four. Recently graduated from art school, I did what most art school grads did: I worked as a waitress. It was one of those dark pubs in lower Manhattan that smelled like grooming cream and business suits that were regularly saturated in flop sweat. First-year law associates met there to gripe about the partners in their firms. Female attorneys drank scotch there. Male lawyers sat at the bar, shouting and shoving greasy peanuts into their faces.
“What can I get you?” I set a square white napkin in front of Paul. He had tan hands and gray sideburns. Gingerbread-colored eyes. He sat alone at a small table near the back.
“Earplugs?”
I laughed. It was always loud in there. “Two pearl onions? A couple of olives?”
“Only if they come with a martini.”
“Gin or vodka?”
“Vodka.”
“Dry, perfect, or wet?”
“Yes.”
I laughed again. It was clear he was flirting, yet he was terrible at it. He even blushed. I liked him right away.
“Are you a lawyer?” Silently, I prayed no. The lawyers I’d met were boorish, boring, or so obsessed with making partner they had hunchbacks from lugging case files around. Plus, few tipped more than 10 percent. Even the partners.
“Worse,” Paul whispered. “I’m a judge. Don’t blow my cover.”
“Your secret is safe with me.”
After that initial meeting, Paul came in for a drink once or twice a week. We got to know each other in two-minute spurts. He had a prickly teenage son; I had a troubled family in California. He was funny; I was serious about finding a way to make a living as an artist. He lived in a modern two-bedroom in Battery Park that he hated; I lived with my best friend, Anita—whom I adored—in Brooklyn. Months later, when Paul asked me out, he blushed again when he said, “You can say no if you want to.”
“Why would I want to say no?”
“I’m forty-five.”
My lips curved into a grin. “Good thing I’m old enough to say yes.”
Later, I found out that Judge Paul Agarra first came into the pub where I worked because he’d seen me through the window.
“Sometimes you just know,” he said.
He was right, as judges tend to be.
“Will you be my love for life?” On one knee—truly—that’s how Paul proposed. I opened my heart and invited hi
m in. I knew, too.
My brilliant judge. We got married on a Sunday morning in his courtroom. Paul’s law clerk, Isaac Lewis, officiated. He got ordained for the specific purpose of marrying us, which felt exactly right. Paul and Isaac spent more waking hours together than Paul and I did. Isaac was Paul’s work wife, though he hated it when I said that. A former marine, he could still bench-press 220.
I remember that day in snapshots. Oak pews the color of Meyer lemons, marble floors as shiny as windows. Isaac stood as tall as a Viking behind Paul’s desk. He wore a dark blue suit and a white tie. As did Paul. I wore a lacy dress and held a small bouquet of red roses. Two wisteria garlands decorated the central aisle. My brothers, Nathan and Joey, had flown in from California. Anita was my maid of honor. Paul’s son, John, was his best man. Brenda wasn’t invited.
“She had her wedding day,” I’d decreed. “This one is mine.”
Brenda would have shown up in a long, flowing white dress. Of that, I had no doubt. Probably flowers in her hair, too.
On that clear Sunday morning—a postcard of a New York day—my dad wept as he walked me down the aisle to the man I would promise myself to for life. Friends seated in the courtroom pews pressed their hands to their chests and said, “Aw.” When Dad didn’t stop, they moved their hands up to their mouths so they could whisper behind them. Quietly, Nathan led him out a side door. After Mom died, Dad never could control his emotions.
Whenever I think back on that day, I mostly smile. Sometimes, my heart breaks, too. Nathan had said, “Mom is here in spirit.” But I so wanted her there in the flesh. I longed to burrow into her hug and feel the warmth of her breath on my ear as she whispered, “He’s everything I ever wanted for you.”
Mom would have adored Paul. She would have loved our wedding. It was a reflection of my new husband and me: atypical, but perfectly us. We hosted the small reception around a large table at our favorite restaurant in Chinatown. Our white cake from Magnolia Bakery was layered with banana pudding.
True love in every way.
Chapter Four
