by Alina Man
The first three years of college were really hard on all of us but I managed to come home every holiday and every break I got, always calling to make sure they were ok. It was the last year of college that ruined it all for me; for us. I finally gave in to the pressure and started socializing more. Drinking and partying like my life depended on it. I no longer wanted to fly home during the holidays; instead I was more interested in going out to clubs and living life, as my roommate so often said.
It was spring break and we decided to go to this new club called The Atlas. Not a very cool name for a club but it was famous for its techno music and cheap drinks. We piled into my old Honda, all dressed to impress and acting as silly as we could because we thought we were cooler than everyone else. There was no line to get into the club so we had no problems at the door. We danced our way in like the divas we were. And in the mist of bright neon lights, loud euro beats, and 80s style attire, Joe stood out like a sore thumb dressed in his snazzy suit and tie, his eyes searching the room.
Our eyes met and like the naïve school girl I was, I instantly fell in love. All it took was his crooked dimpled smile to make my knees turn into jello and before I knew it, my friends were pushing me towards the bar.
“Go say hi and have some fun,” Mayra yelled to make sure I heard over the loud music. “Just don’t think about it; live a little girl.” I pushed my way towards him and just before I reached the bar I turned around, making sure I was not alone. My friends were no longer behind me but dancing wildly to the captivating rhythm. I looked back at the bar where the beautiful stranger was watching me like a hungry wolf about to have his first meal of the day. His smile never faltered and the closer I got, the more enthralled I became. I did not find out his name that evening. There was no room for friendly conversation; instead we danced and drank and danced some more. It wasn’t until the next day when I awoke in his apartment that reality hit, and I could almost taste the bitter regret. How could I give away my most prized possession (as my nana called it) to someone I didn’t even know; someone I met at a bar and who didn’t even give me his name.
He was still asleep, sprawled on his stomach his face towards me. I could tell he was not wearing anything under the sheets that covered half of his toned body, the sight of him making me flush with embarrassment. I pushed myself as close to the edge of the bed as I could in hopes that I would be able to slip out without him knowing. Just as I was almost up, I felt him stir.
“Are you running away,” he smiled through sleeping eyes. I froze in place, trying to hide my naked body with what looked like a man’s shirt.
“I’m not running,” I answered, my voice so small I don’t think he heard me.
“Give me a sec and I’ll take you out for breakfast.”
I was too nervous to speak so I simply nodded and tried not to stare at his body as he got up from the bed and made his way to the bathroom. Oh Lord what did I get myself into? I could hear the water running and I’m still wondering if maybe I should just get dressed and leave before he comes back. Looking around the room I can tell that we were in a hurry last night, my clothes and his are all over the bedroom floor.
I grabbed my underwear and bra and put them on as fast as I could and I’m about half way into my dress when he walks back in.
“You look better in the daylight.”
I’m stuck inside the tight garment and I’m wishing that I could hide in here for the rest of my life. My arms are straight out the top when suddenly strong arms are pushing down my dress, releasing me from my hideaway.
“There you go. The bathroom is right over there if you need it. There are clean towels and a new toothbrush that you’re more than welcome to.”
How can he be so casual about all this, I wonder? Is bringing strange girls to his place an everyday thing for him? I just want to get away from this place but instead I hear myself thanking him and walk into the bathroom and close the door behind me. I take a quick shower, scrubbing away last night’s memory, and by the time I’m back into my clothes I feel a little bit better.
I walk into the bedroom but find it empty. I follow the noise and end up in the living room where the stranger is watching TV.
“There you are. Feeling better?” he asks politely.
“Yes thank you. Look about last night-”
“It was great and I already know it’s not something you usually do. I wasn’t drunk if that’s what you thought so I know I was your first.”
“Oh,” I reply, not knowing what else to say.
“So how about that breakfast? Sounds good?”
“Yes, that sounds great.”
We walk out of his apartment and just as we are about to step outside, his hand finds mine and our fingers intertwine bringing a smile to my face.
“I’m Joe by the way,” he says sheepishly.
“Nice to meet you Joe. I’m Brenda.”
I could still remember what we had for breakfast that morning, what he was wearing, and even what we talked about. It was an amazing day that turned into an amazing month and eventually an amazing year. It was easy to fall in love with him and even my friends welcomed him into our group without a second thought. He was five years older than me, already a successful lawyer, working for his father’s law firm. Although he worked long hours he always made time for me, and before long I was spending almost every night at his place.
If my grandparents noticed the change in me, they never mentioned it. It had been so long since I had been home and I was glad to see them on the day of my graduation. The same day they had a chance to meet Joe. While they were courteous towards him, I knew that for whatever reason, they did not like him, the disappointment on their face too obvious to ignore. That summer instead of going home, Joe took me to California on his business trip and while he was spending time in meetings, I was having a blast at Disneyland and taking pictures all over Hollywood Boulevard.
It was also that summer that he asked me to move in with him and I didn’t have to think twice about it. I was deeply in love and I couldn’t believe how fortunate I was to have him as my partner. Six months later, my grandfather had a heart attack and passed away leaving my nana all alone. I know I should’ve moved back to help out but instead I listened to Joe and stayed in Boston.
“Babe you can’t possibly think about moving back. You just started a new job and you know how hard it was for you to find it. The first year is crucial for your career. Your grandfather would be so proud of you right now and I know he would agree with me when I say, your place is here.”
Whether he was right or not is no longer important; I ended up staying and had to tell myself every single day that I was doing the right thing. The fun times we had while I was still in school were replaced by a hectic work schedule, dinners with his clients and mandatory workout sessions. I was a robot programmed by my master to do whatever pleased him, with no room for negotiations. I wish I could put all the blame on Joe for the way things turned out but I was in the relationship also. I don’t think anyone really knew the truth about us and many of our friends envied us. If only they knew that two years after we moved in together we were no longer intimate and most nights slept in separate rooms.
As time went by, we became more roommates than anything, neither one of us willing to face our problems. We were living a lie, keeping up the pretense with everyone around us. Joe would even go the extra mile and talk about marriage every time someone would ask us about the future. What they didn’t know was that every night I would lay alone and cry myself to sleep; I don’t think even Joe was aware of just how lonely I felt. Maybe he felt just as alone. I continued to live that lie for three years, concentrating on work and nothing else, accepting the life I had so willingly created for myself.
OTHER WORKS BY ALINA MAN
Unlock My Heart – a short story
Broken
Finding My Way Home – Brenda’s story
Coming out 2014:
Happiness At Last – Gigi’s story
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Always In My Heart – Noah’s story
The Journey
For more information please visit Alina Man on Facebook
