by Dean Hughes
Dad couldn’t add anything, never did. He finally muttered, “In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.” And yet no one moved. Everyone remained bowed, and everyone was crying.
Without anyone asking him, Alex said, “Father in Heaven, thanks for those, at home, who prayed for those of us who needed their prayers so desperately. We thank thee that we made it back. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”
And then Bobbi said, “Father in Heaven, we thank thee for Mom and Dad, who taught us the things that kept us going. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”
There was a long pause, and Alex thought of getting up, but Wally finally said, “Father in Heaven, we thank thee for our heritage, for Grandma and Grandpa Thomas and Grandma and Grandpa Snow, and for all the great people who came before them. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”
Immediately, Mom said, “Father in Heaven, we thank thee for these good children we’ve been allowed to raise, and for Anna and Lorraine and Richard, who have joined our family. And for our grandson, Gene. In the name of the Jesus Christ, amen.”
It was little Beverly who surprised Alex the most. Quivering and crying, she said, “Father in Heaven, tell our brother Gene how much we love him. We still miss him so much.”
When everyone finally stood, no one could talk. Family members turned to each other in pairs, or in groups of three or four, and they embraced. Richard and Lorraine and Anna joined in, seeming to be as moved as the others, and just as much a part of the feeling. “This is the celestial kingdom. This is how it must feel,” Alex heard Mom say, and he was sure that was true.
But after a few minutes a kind of embarrassment set in, as though everyone realized that life had to come back to prosaic reality, and no one knew how to bridge the gap. LaRue said something about everyone being boobs, and Grandma joked about her makeup—looking like a scary old lady. She went off to fix herself up.
Alex hadn’t felt this good for a long time. He didn’t want to end what was happening, but there was nothing to say now, no way to hold on.
Mom finally said, “Everyone just sit down and visit for a while. I’ve got dinner mostly ready, and I’ll get it on in just
a few minutes. Maybe the girls can help me.”
Alex thought “the girls” probably meant LaRue and Beverly, but all the married women moved toward the kitchen too, and they took Gene with them. Dad and Grandpa, Alex and Wally and Richard all sat down in the living room. They began, rather self-consciously, to chat about the weather, about East High sports, but they didn’t ask one another about the war. In fact, Alex was afraid one of them might raise the topic, and above all he didn’t want to get into any of that. He was relieved when the women started bringing food out to the dining-room table.
“Come on, fellows,” Mom said. “Let’s eat.”
So everyone sat down at the big table. Dad asked Richard to bless the food, since no one had remembered to do that during the prayers. And then everyone passed the serving bowls around.
“Alex, we have a lot to talk about,” Dad said from the other end of the table, his voice booming over everyone else’s. “Things are going great here. Richard and Wally have been a big help to me. They’ve stepped right in and taken over some of our departments. We’ve been expanding fast, and they haven’t missed a beat. What we’ve talked about is moving you into Wally’s spot, since you were there before and you know something about the parts business. Then Wally would be freed up to help me at the dealership. That’s something he’s always had some interest in.”
For a moment Alex thought of avoiding the subject, but he didn’t want to give his father the wrong idea. He knew he needed to say something now. “Dad, you’ve written about my working for you,” he said, “and I wasn’t sure what I would do about that. But I’ve pretty well made up my mind that I want to go back to school. I’m not really interested in a business career.”
“But what will you do?”
“I’m not sure. I need to talk with Anna about that.”
“That’s fine. But you’ll need an income. You can go to work with us and start back to college, a class or two at a time. Wally and Richard are both planning to do that this fall.”
“Well . . . I don’t know, Dad. I don’t think so. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I’d kind of like to do things on my own.”
The room was suddenly quiet.
“We can talk about all this later, Son,” Dad said. “But you’ll need work, no matter what, and we can start you just as soon as you’d like. I can certainly pay you more than you would make anywhere else—and trust me, you’ll earn it.”
“Al, leave the boy alone for a minute,” Mom finally said. “Give him time to take a breath before he has to make all those decisions.”
Alex laughed, and so did Dad. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to do that. But I’ve got to tell you, I’m excited about the future. If you don’t want to be at the plant very long, I’ll tell you what you ought to do: You ought to think about politics. If that’s something you have even the slightest interest in, I think you have a real future there.”
“Politics? Not me.”
“Don’t be so quick to say that. There’s no one more loved in this country right now than a war hero. You’ve won all those medals and—”
“Dad, don’t call me that!”
All the motion in the room seemed to stop. Alex realized that he had raised his voice, that he had almost shouted, and he was humiliated. He didn’t know where so much emotion had come from, seemingly out of nowhere.
The old wall clock was ticking, the loudest sound in the room, and everyone was looking at Alex. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“I . . .” But he didn’t know how to explain.
“Son, I’m sorry too. I know how soldiers are. You feel like you did your job, and you don’t want a lot of glory. That’s fine.”
“That isn’t it, Dad,” Alex said, quietly now. “I’m just not a hero. And I don’t want anyone to think I am.”
Again the silence. And Alex knew what everyone was thinking. Alex was home, all right, but something was wrong with him.
“I’m really sorry. I’m tired, I think, and . . . I don’t know . . . I didn’t mean to sound like that.”
Alex and Anna left soon after dinner. Alex told everyone how tired he was again, apologized one more time, and then drove to his new home. It was a nice little place, and Anna had fixed everything so it was neat and pretty. Alex didn’t ask about the furniture, the pots and pans, the silverware. He knew that everything had come from his dad, and he knew that it would be hard to stop the flow of all that, but he also knew he had to do it somehow.
For a time Gene seemed especially alarmed that Alex had come home with him and his mother, and he clung to Anna jealously. But when he finally settled down enough to play with a toy on the floor, Alex had his chance. He took Anna in his arms and kissed her, then held her as he had wanted to do since the moment he had seen her.
“We’ll be okay,” she told him.
“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make trouble like that.”
“It’s okay. Everyone understood.”
“Anna, I don’t want to work for my dad.”
“He just wants to help, Alex. He doesn’t—”
“We’ll owe him for everything. I’ll get stuck in that plant my whole life. I can’t do that.”
“No, you can’t. I understand. We’ll find another way. But all the worst things are behind us now. “
Alex told her that was true, but he wondered why his hands were shaking, why he couldn’t seem to concentrate. And now Gene was upset again, pushing between the two of them and screeching as though he had been hurt. They stepped apart, and it was Gene whom Anna took into her arms.
Chapter 19
Alex and Anna talked a great deal over the weekend. What Alex had seen immediately was that he was living in a house he couldn’t afford, furnished much too nicely for his means. If he was going to be a student, he needed to start thinking about
GI Bill money, part-time work, and maybe a little apartment close to the U.
“Your dad hasn’t charged me any rent, Alex,” Anna had said. “He told me that we could buy the house later, but we could live here for free while we’re getting started.”
They were sitting at the kitchen table on Saturday afternoon. Gene was taking a nap. “But Anna, “ Alex said, “don’t you see what that will mean? We’ll owe him for everything—and then he has right to make our decisions for us.”
“Alex, how can you say that? I’ve never met such a generous man. He’s just trying to help us.”
Alex sat and looked at the table for a long time. It was true. Dad was generous, and he was trying to help. But he also wanted Alex to help build the family businesses, and the more Alex took from his father, the more he would feel bound to stay part of all that. What he didn’t want to do was force Anna to give up this nice house. He had come home from the army with a little money, but it wasn’t enough to last for more than a month or two. He could go out looking for work, but a good job was not easy to find—or so he was hearing. It was a lot to ask of Anna, to give all this up, when maybe it was only a point of pride for Alex. “Well,” he finally said, “I guess I could work for my dad for the summer and build up a little nest egg. I can’t start school until fall quarter anyway.”
“Whatever you think, Alex. The house doesn’t matter to me. You have to do the things that will make you happy.”
“If I stay with my father, I could be rich someday. How will you feel if I throw that away?”
“It doesn’t matter to me.”
“It might. Someday, it might.” But for now he couldn’t think that far ahead. He had to get out of bed on Monday morning with something to do. The thought of knocking around town, looking for work, maybe finding nothing for quite some time—all that terrified him. He needed to be busy, needed to have his mind occupied. He’d make his break when the time was right, but for now he could stand to put in a few months at the plant.
So on Sunday, Alex and Anna went to the Thomas home for dinner, and Alex was careful not to make another scene. He told his dad that he would work for him “just for the summer.” Dad said that was fine, but it wasn’t long until he was talking again about “the advantages” of his taking over the whole operation, and Alex knew he would have to be strong not to get pulled into things so deeply that there was no getting out.
On Monday morning Alex drove to the plant and went straight to Wally’s office. “I’m not sure what Dad wants me to do,” he told Wally, “but I might as well get started. He said that you had some work you could hand over to me.”
“I sure do,” Wally said. “Sit down. We need to talk.”
Alex chose the seat near the door, across the room from Wally. He felt a little as though he had just reported to his commanding officer, but he told himself not to think that way. He wanted to feel the way he had when he had first seen Wally.
Wally got up and came around the desk. He turned the chair in front of his desk around so it faced Alex. “How are you feeling?” he asked, as he sat down.
“I’m fine.”
“Alex, the other day you seemed a little . . . upset, or something. Coming back is strange at first. If you want to take another week and just—”
“No, no. I’m all right.” He looked down at himself, his sport shirt and slacks, and he laughed. “I’m sorry to show up like this. I bought a suit on Saturday, but it isn’t ready yet. I tried on my old clothes, from before the war, and I couldn’t get into any of them.”
“You’ve added some bulk to your shoulders, Alex. You’re a big man now. You’re looking more like Dad all the time.”
“I guess so.”
Alex looked away, looked down at the dreary old carpet, worn in a path from the door to the desk. The building had been expanded, some offices added, but the old rooms were as poorly lit as ever, and the smell of the building hadn’t changed at all. It all reminded him of those dark days when he had been here before.
“Dad tells me you only want to work until school starts in the fall.”
“That’s right. So let me take some of the load off your shoulders, if I can, but don’t give me anything that’s long term.”
“Do you feel like you’ve got to go to college full-time?”
“I do. I want to get on with it—not drag it out for years.”
“Couldn’t you work part-time for us?”
Alex wondered what “us” meant, and he smiled a little, but he didn’t say anything about that. “I don’t think I want to, Wally. I’m thinking I can save a little this summer, and then I’ve got the GI Bill. We should do all right as long as we move into a smaller place.”
“But why do that, Alex? I’m sure Dad is happy to let you stay in that house for as long as you want.”
Alex wasn’t going to have that conversation with Wally. “Well . . . I’ll probably want to live close to the university.”
Alex saw Wally’s reaction—the little movement of his head, his eyes. They both knew that Alex wasn’t saying what he was really thinking. But Wally nodded, as if to say, “I won’t push this matter. We’ll leave it at that.”
When Alex saw that, he suddenly felt a need to soften his stance, to clarify his feelings just a little. “Wally, I didn’t like working in this place when I was here before. I think it’s great that you and Richard enjoy it, but I want to go another way. I’m just not a businessman.”
“I understand.” Wally leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. “But Alex, you were the one who got this plant started. Dad wouldn’t be where he is now without your help. He told me that himself. So why not let him help you with the house for a while? That’s what families are for. Richard is having a new house built, and so are Lorraine and I. We couldn’t have done that without these good jobs. But Dad also gave us the building lots for next to nothing. If he can do that for us, he can certainly save you some rent while you’re going to school.”
Alex felt himself relax a little, ease off. “Well . . . maybe so. But Wally, when I told him I was only staying for the summer, right off he started talking, all over again, about how well it would work out if I took over here and you moved to the dealership.”
Wally laughed. “I know. That’s Dad. That’s just how he is. He’s got this vision in his head of all of us prospering from these businesses he started, and it’s hard for him to understand when we don’t get as excited about it as he is.”
“But you do like it, don’t you, Wally?”
“Yeah. I do. I like being responsible for an operation like this. It’s fun for me—just to try to get the job done right.”
“I never did feel that way when I was here. I just wasn’t cut out for it, I guess.”
“Alex, anything you choose to do, you’ll do very well. I’m sure Dad would like to have you run all his operations someday.”
“Are you serious?”
“Sure I am.”
Alex shook his head. “No. You’re the guy now. And you’ll be great at it.” Alex got up and walked across the little office. He looked at a picture on the wall—a photograph of the family right after Alex’s mission. Everything was the way Alex remembered. Gene was a grinning teenager, and the little girls were just that—little girls. Wally was a softer version of himself, childlike in some ways, with more flesh on him. He had been so playful then that Alex had often found him annoying, but he was also the kid who had stood up to Dad, told him what he thought, and Alex had always wondered at that, maybe even envied Wally a little. “Well, anyway, what do you want me to do?”
“Alex, do you still think this place was built on blood money? Dad told me that’s what might be bothering you. I guess you told him that once, back before you went into the army.”
Alex turned around. He tried to think how he felt about that. Actually, he hadn’t thought much about it for a long time. “Someone had to fight this war,” he said. “And someone else had to make the weapons. I’m the last guy to acc
use anyone of having blood on his hands.”
“But soldiers didn’t get rich.”
“No.”
“Does it bother you that Dad did?”
“I don’t know, Wally. I guess it’s just the way things work. I don’t feel very idealistic about many things these days. If Dad hadn’t made the money, someone else would have. At least he’ll do better things with it than most people would.”
“You’re not happy, are you, Alex?”
Alex walked back to his chair and sat down; he was a little surprised by the question. “I’m glad to be home, Wally. And I want to be happy. I think I will be.”
“What’s bothering you? Do you know?”
“I’m okay. Really. When Elder Benson came to Frankfurt, he told me not to plan too far into the future. He said I should get some education, then try to do something well. If I did that, opportunities would come along. So I’m trying to think that way, to take one step at a time, like he said. I just feel a little out of sorts right now, I guess mainly because I don’t even know what the first step should be—except to work here for the summer.”
“But what about the war? Did it bother you that—”
“Really, Wally, I just want to get to work. I’m a lot better off when I’m doing things and not sitting around feeling sorry for myself.” Wally nodded, seemingly ready to let that be the end of the conversation. But Alex was sorry that he had been so curt. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on with me,” he said. “I guess that’s why I want to go to school. It was what I had planned before. I feel like I need to get back to the path I was walking and just start from there.”
“Alex, all the paths are gone. We’re all starting over.”
“I know. But I need to find that feeling I had once—you know, just the desire, or the enthusiasm, or whatever it was, to make a go of things. Did you struggle with any of that when you got home?”
“Alex, they took everything away from us in those prison camps. And that made anything I got seem a blessing when I first got home. I didn’t really have too much trouble.”
