by Eva Luxe
“Are you coming?” my dad asked from the front door.
I just looked at him.
“What were you looking at?” he demanded.
He looked over the fence at Brad. “Oh, the neighbor’s son? Well, you haven’t graduated from college yet. So, don’t even think about dating.”
I rolled my eyes. Leave it to my dad to try to control me from this far away. But, he was right. I needed his help with tuition. I’d been working part time jobs to try to pay my own way but all that had done is put me further behind in school.
“He looks a lot like the kid I caught you with,” my dad added.
I shook my head, put my blanket and jacket on the closed trunk, and walked away from my dad. The fact that he could talk about what had happened without even blinking infuriated me. I walked to the fence. Brad’s eyes were on me. He’d seen me when I’d spoken to my dad.
“You’re here in Laramie,” I said.
No shit, Captain Obvious, I thought. It was such a stupid thing to say, but I had just blurted out the first thing on my mind.
He nodded. He didn’t seem to be able to think of anything better to say, either. God, he was even hotter up close. His eyes were that brilliant green they used to be when we’d been together.
“I can’t imagine it’s business,” I said.
He chuckled. The sound of it danced on my skin, and I shivered. I hadn’t heard that sound in six years.
“I’m here to visit my mom,” he said. “I don’t come home very often.”
I nodded. We had that in common, although I doubted our reasons were the same. I wondered if he’d looked back at all. Although I felt as if I’d been looking back this whole entire time we’d been apart.
“How are you doing?” he asked.
It was such a simple question but it had such a complicated answer. How was I doing? I was aching and empty in a way I could never fix.
I was stuck in a time I could never get back. I was standing opposite the man who had held my heart in his palm for the longest time, but it seemed that now, his hands were empty.
“I’m doing well, thank you,” I answered. It was the biggest lie ever told. “And you?”
He nodded. “I’m well, too.”
The conversation was awkward. I didn’t know what to say to him. He was so close to me, and at the same time, we were worlds apart. Once upon a time, this man had been my whole world. I hadn’t been able to breathe without his air. My hand had fit into his perfectly. Our bodies had echoed each other’s.
Now? He was just a stranger standing on the other side of the fence of a place that was no longer home. But damn, why did he have to look so hot just standing there?
“So, my dad lives right next door to your mom, now,” I said. “Weird.”
Brad chuckled. “Very.”
Another awkward silence stretched between us, and I didn’t know what to say to fill it. I had never been very good at making small talk, and Brad and I had always connected on a deeper level. It had been one of the reasons I’d liked him. Once upon a time, he’d been the boy who had admitted to me that he liked the feeling in his stomach when he went upside down on a roller coaster, and that the lights blurring past us when we drove were his favorite sight other than when I took off my clothes. Now, he was the man who made small talk to me over a fence.
“I have to get inside. My parents are dying to have a piece of me. I just got in.”
Brad nodded.
“I’ll see you around,” I said because I didn’t know what else to say.
Then he said, “They’re not the only ones.”
I had to take a step back at that. Where had his gutsiness come from? That part was new. He was no longer a boy but a man.
“I’m sorry?” I asked, wanting to make sure I heard him correctly.
“You heard me.”
He smiled now, his eyes piercing mine, and my heart melted.
“Do you want to go out with me?” he asked. “For a drink.”
I hadn’t been anticipating any of this, so I stumbled over his question, even though it was the stuff I used to dream of back in my college dorm. “What?”
“A drink,” he said again. “With me.”
I opened my mouth and closed it again without an answer. I didn’t know what to say. Did I want to see him again? Yes. But I was scared that I if I did, everything I remembered would disappear, to be overshadowed by the person he’d become. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that, not if he wasn’t the same man anymore. Not if I wasn’t the same girl.
“I don’t know,” I said.
He nodded. “I’ll see you around, princess.”
He turned around and walked away, and I was suddenly furious. What right did he have to call me princess? His old nickname for me. Who was he to take something that sacred and throw it around as if it was normal?
God, he probably used that line on every woman he met now. The thought that what used to be special had become common and mundane now made me sad. The thought of everything we’d lost made me sad. I had held onto the past so hard for so long, it would be like the break up was happening again if I was forced to let go.
I shook my head. Then I turned to go without answering, because I needed time to think. I didn’t know if I should feel elated or angry. But, I felt a bit of both, along with a jumble of other emotions.
He was just a boy I had been with a long time ago. It didn’t matter. That was what I told myself.
But it did matter. He wasn’t just a boy, he was my first love. And quite possibly, my true love. This wasn’t a Disney movie, but I believed in soul mates, and he had been the one for me. I had known it when I’d started dating him, I’d known it when my dad had dragged me away, and I had known it when Brad had walked away from me.
I turned toward the house. The high trees that surrounded it danced in the wind, waving their branches at me. The sunlight filtered through the leaves, scattering in dapples on the floor. I took a deep breath in, and I wondered if I was really that unhappy to be home. I tried to convince myself that the fact that my hot ex boyfriend was right next door had nothing to do with my change of heart.
When I walked in through the front door, the smell of dinner filled the house, and in my mind I was taken back to when I lived at home. Maybe I had been running from my dad and the unforgiveness I held for him, rather than the place I’d grown up. It was good to be back, and I’d missed this. I’d missed a place where I felt like I really belonged.
Even if it was in a house that I didn’t know, with a man next door that was or wasn’t the boy I used to know, and a father I wasn’t planning on making up with. Despite all of it, it was good to let my bones rest here for a while.
Chapter 8 – Brad
On Thursday, I got a call from Jacob. He was one of my teammates on the Florida Sharks, and we trained together often. He had become a good friend.
“How does it feel being home again?” Jacob asked.
“Being home isn’t the problem. Not having a rigorous training routine is what gets me. I was out for a run at sunrise this morning just to take the edge off.”
Jacob laughed. “Yeah, I was in the gorilla pit at the gym today. I can’t help it.”
We laughed together. Being professional athletes meant that we spent more time working on our bodies than anything else, and when we didn’t have to, we felt lost.
“How’s your mom doing?” Jacob asked.
“She’s well,” I said. “It’s good to see her again.”
“Anyone else you’ve run into from your past?”
I knew what he was asking. Jacob knew a little bit about my history here in Laramie, about Carly and how things had ended. He didn’t know that I wasn’t a womanizer the way I came across when I was just going along with what the other guys said in the locker room— that was my secret— but he knew that it had started somewhere. Everyone else just thought that I was a one night stand kind of guy.
I had still never slept with anyone but Carly
, but no one needed to know that that.
“No one serious,” I lied.
I didn’t want to go into seeing Carly yesterday. I didn’t know how I felt about everything yet. And obviously she didn’t either, since she’d just walked into her house instead of answering me about grabbing a drink together.
I was a bit crestfallen that she hadn’t said yes, but at least she hadn’t said no. I had to look at it from her point of view— it had been a long time and the way we left things hadn’t been great. When I saw an opening— hoping she didn’t have a husband or kids—I ’d taken it, because I’ve become known for taking what I wanted. But the one thing I still wanted— Carly— I couldn’t have.
Or at least not yet. I was determined to try again; I knew from the way her breath had audibly caught a bit and her eyes had pierced mine that she was still interested in me. And I was going to work that angle for all it was worth—as soon as I got another chance to see her again. I wasn’t sure how long she would be in town and I feared time would run out for us again.
“Pity,” Jacob said.
He was married with kids, and he was happy. I asked how his wife Kina and their family were doing.
“I hate being away from my family, but God I love the game,” Jacob said.
“I totally get you,” I said.
I knew how he felt. I was glad I didn’t have anyone serious in my life that I would have to be away from for weeks on end. Of course, if I’d had my way, I would have Carly in my life.
I still couldn’t believe how much seeing her next door yesterday had brought an avalanche of memories and emotions tumbling down on me. I really couldn’t blame her for hesitating when I asked her out. We hadn’t ended well, and when she had wanted to speak to me on the day of our graduation, I had walked away.
I had done it because her parents had been there and because I had been terrified that I would get her into more trouble. Her dad had already been so hard on her. I hadn’t wanted to make things even worse for her.
I’d known that it would push her to a point where she would write me off, but I had told myself that it was the right thing to do, that sometimes doing the right thing was hard enough that it felt wrong. As the years had passed, I hadn’t been too sure if I’d been right, then, but there was nothing I could do about it. I’d gotten the scholarship, left, and I’d been sure she would forget about me.
“Are you still there?” Jacob asked.
“Yeah, sorry,” I said. I had zoned out and missed the last bit of his conversation. “What did you say?”
“I was asking if you were going to be back for that Benefit. I’m not gagging my way through that alone.”
I laughed. Going to charities and helping in the community were two of the ways we could keep our slates clean. The press was all too happy to sink us in any way they could, and so long as we kept our noses clean and our tally of good deeds high, we were golden. It was what all the players’ publicists suggested when things went south. Plus, it did feel good to help out those less fortunate.
“I’ll be there,” I said. “You know I got your back.”
“Just checking,” Jacob said. “I can’t stand those events. I always feel like I’m trussed up and put on display for the press to praise or rip apart as they see fit.”
“Occupational hazard,” I said, and we both laughed.
“I have to tell you what happened when I got off the plane in Cali,” Jacob said.
I heard the dog next door barking and yapping excitedly, and I walked to the window. Carly was in the garden, wearing jogging pants so tight they looked painted on, and a tight hoodie on top. Her curves looked great in that outfit. Plus, it reminded me that she used to love wearing my hoodies. They’d always been so big she’d drowned in them.
I only half listened to Jacob’s chatter. Carly was putting the dog’s harness on, getting ready to go for a walk. Her dark hair was pulled into a ponytail, accentuating her delicate features. She laughed when the dog, a mixed breed that looked kind of like a Collie, broke free and ran in delirious circles. I opened the window a little to hear it better. I had missed the sound of Carly’s laugh.
After a while, she got a hold of the dog and walked up toward the road. I leaned forward, trying to see which way she turned. When she disappeared out of sight, I tried to focus on the conversation again, but I didn’t want her to just disappear.
“Jacob,” I finally said, interrupting him, “I have to go. Sorry, bud. I’ll call you when I have a chance.”
I hung up without giving him a chance to respond, put down the phone, and ran to the door. I felt like an idiot running to the road, looking for Carly. I felt like a teenager running after his crush to catch a glimpse. But this wasn’t just any high school crush. It was Carly, the only girl I had ever been in love with.
When I reached the street, I looked both ways and spotted her down the road. I jogged to her, catching up.
“Carly,” I said, reaching her, and she jumped. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“What are you doing?” she asked.
The hoodie she wore was blue, and it made her eyes look like the color of cornflowers.
“Perhaps I was heading out for a walk,” I lied. “And I thought you might like some company.” I gestured with my head to the dog.
Carly looked suspicious. She glanced up and down the road as if she were trying to see if there was someone who could help her out. It was sad to see; she seemed nervous to be alone with me.
“I just want to walk together and have a chat,” I said, feeling the need to further explain.
Carly used to be so open. Had I done this?
“Okay,” she finally said, to my great relief.
The way she sighed a bit when she said it let me know she had just been hesitating due to being unsure or scared about where things could go between us. I could deal with that.
I walked next to her, and we continued down the road. Her dog was cute, sniffing everything, wagging its tail, and pulling on the leash. She paid attention to the dog more than she did to me. Maybe she was nervous. She seemed it.
“How often do you see your parents?” I asked. “It’s crazy that they live right next door to my mom now.”
Carly shrugged. “I don’t see them very often. I’m very busy most of the time, but I try to find a space to slot them in when I can.”
It sounded a little rehearsed. I wondered what her relationship was like with her dad, and if what had happened had affected it at all.
I wondered if it still felt like a massive thing in her life like it was in mine, or if she had moved on easily and it was a thing that stayed in the past. I couldn’t ask any of that. It was too intense to ask about when we hadn’t spoken in years and when we didn’t know each other anymore.
“How about you?” she asked.
“I come home whenever I can, although I’m sad to say, it’s not very often.”
Carly nodded. “It’s just for your mom, right? Laramie doesn’t seem like it’s your home anymore.”
I wasn’t sure how she’d come to that conclusion.
“It’s not mine anymore, either,” she said before I could ask.
We walked together in silence. It was still awkward between us, as if we were forcing something that hadn’t ever been natural. But it had been perfect between us once upon a time. Unless we weren’t the same people we once were at all, it had to work again somehow. Even if we were just friends.
I felt a pang of sorrow when I thought the last bit and pushed it away again. Carly wasn’t a woman I wanted to be friends with. I wanted to have all of her— body and soul— or nothing at all.
In theory, I would rather stay in her life to some degree, but in practice, it would be too hard. I was looking for some kind of closure one way or another. I had never been able to connect with any other woman at all since we parted ways. Carly was still the one I wanted all to myself in every way I could have her. I wanted her to love me the way I had once loved her.
“What have you been up to since school?” I asked.
I hadn’t quite known how to word it. How was I supposed to ask what her life had been like since I’d stopped talking to her?
“I’ve been studying,” Carly answered, and she didn’t seem to take offense at my wording. “I’m still studying.”
“Oh, that’s dedication,” I said.
I had studied only as long as I’d needed and no more. The only reason I hadn’t quit my studies was that I’d needed to keep going to keep my football scholarship, and one day, when I retired, I would need a fallback.
Carly shrugged. “I guess so. If I commit to something, I go all the way.”
I glanced at her. I wasn’t sure if it was a jab. Her face was expressionless, neutral.
“What are you studying?” I asked.
She looked at me, and her eyes were beautiful. I wished she would look at me longer. But she turned her attention to the road, and I knew I was expecting too much when I had given her nothing at all.
“I’m completing my MBA next year. Just a few more months to go.”
I was impressed. I remembered now that she’d always liked the idea of doing something corporate. She had always been my opposite.
“And you’re studying in Colorado?” I asked.
She looked at me, surprised. “At CSU, Fort Collins,” she said. “How did you know?”
“You talked about it endlessly, back in high school. I always knew you would end up there.”
The unspoken words hung between us. About how we had talked about going to college together, and where we would choose. I knew she had wanted Colorado, and I would have gone with her. I had made up my mind to do just that. I had applied. I’d been accepted.
We hadn’t planned it all out but I had had a plan to surprise her in my head and everything had gone exactly according to my plan… until her dad had caught us and ruined everything. It would have been a graduation surprise. One that I had never gotten the chance to reveal.
