Jessa sits up and joins Vi. I’m gonna need a minute to get my hard on under control. I take another hit, closing my eyes, feeling the THC flow through my lungs and heart, into my veins and to my head. I take a few more hits then go sit with my girl on the floor. She lays against my chest and wraps her fingers around my thigh. And then she starts giggling. Fucking giggling, which is something she doesn’t do. It’s something I hate because girls do it to make themselves seem dumb and naïve, which is annoying. But that’s not why Jessa’s doing it and it sounds damn cute. “What’s so funny, beso?”
“I was just looking at the lights,” she says, staring at the string of lights draped around the perimeter of the room that never got taken down after Christmas. “I was thinking about that tree we had. The one Vi and I decorated with popcorn and jewelry,” she tells me, giggling again.
“That tree was atrocious,” I tell her, but I don’t mean it. That tree that the girls emptied their jewelry boxes for and Jessa spent a day stringing popcorn on was ugly but awesome. So much better than the monstrosities that Rachel paid a decorator to erect in that house in Glencoe. Growing up, Christmas was by far the worst time of the year for me, but this Christmas, with Jessa, was pretty fucking great. That was another week I kept her away from her friends and family. Billy booked us at the Rocking Christmas concert which is a big deal in this city that bands come from all over to play at. It was cool, but I kept Jessa here with me. Away from her mom, away from Nat and Emily.
Jessa is giggling again and now Vi is doing it too. It’s so damn cute that when she finally stops I dig my fingers into her ribs so I can hear it again. She laughs so hard she’s crying and when she tells me to “Please, stop,” I do.
Vi lays her head down on Jessa’s lap and kicks her feet up on Jimmy. Jessa runs her fingers through Vi’s hair, which is currently a wicked shade of red. “Do you remember, Pax, when you called me from California and told me you had a friend in town who was having a hard time in the dorms and I needed to befriend her?”
“Yeah, obviously, I do.”
“I was so pissed at you. I figured Jessa would be some sad, pathetic hick girl that would spend her days crying about how mean the girls in the dorms were and how badly she missed her family in Minnesota,” Vi says, laughing.
Jessa lets out a disbelieving laugh. “What the hell did you tell her, Pax?”
“He told me you were a total badass and that we would hit if off swimmingly,” Vi answers for me. “And he was right. I love you, Jessa.”
Jessa bends down and kisses Vi’s forehead. “I love you too.”
“Jesus, is this gonna turn into an orgy,” Jimmy pipes in, “‘Cause I really don’t want to see Pax’s dick.”
“Eww, I don’t want to see his penis either,” Vi whines.
“What the hell is wrong with my dick?” I ask them.
“Jessa, don’t even say it. I don’t want to hear about his penis either,” Vi warns her.
“Fine, but as someone who cares very deeply about that penis, I think you guys should apologize,” she says, laughing.
“Thank you, baby,” I tell her, bending down to kiss her head.
“Okay, this conversation just went off the rails, I was trying to tell you guys something…shit, what was it?”
“You love me,” Jessa reminds her.
“Yes! I love you and I’m so glad I have you and that Paxton has you and that you have Paxton and that I have Paxton and that we all have Jimmy and Jimmy has all of us. I’ve never been happier in my life and I’m pretty sure it’s because of you three.”
“I love you guys too,” Jessa says. “And for sure, I’ve never been happier.”
“Me too,” Jimmy agrees. “Life doesn’t get any better than this.”
“Jesus, you guys turn into a heap of emotional bastards when you’re high.”
“And….?” Vi prods.
“And yeah… I’m pretty fucking happy.”
“Because…..”
“Mostly because of Jessa.”
Vi reaches up and attempts to smack me on the face.
“And because of you, Vi. Jimmy’s all right too. Is that good? Do you we need to hug it out?” I ask facetiously. Jessa turns her body on mine and Vi pounces and I’m on the ground getting hugged by my girls and then Jimmy dog piles us all and I don’t mind. Vi’s right – everything is perfect right now.
We’ve been smoking for a while now and staring at the lights, eating cookies and talking about stupid shit. Through all of it, I couldn’t get the image of Jessa, naked, in the middle of the living room out of my head so when Jimmy grabs Vi and starts mauling her face I take the opportunity to get Jessa to bed.
“Oh my god,” she tells me, stripping her clothes off, “I love those two, but Jesus, I need you so bad.”
I lay my naked ass on the bed and stare at her incredible body, amazed that it’s mine. That she belongs to me. “Pick up the pace, beso,” I tell her. The weed has her all chilled out. Too chilled out. She’s moving too damn slow.
She crawls up the bed, her long, sexy hair hanging over her shoulders, her eyes relaxed and full of lust, her long limbs slowly making their way to me. She runs her hands up my legs, stretching her body out. “Your body, Pax… you’re so amazing,” she tells me, her eyes drifting lazily to my cock.
“You’re making me crazy, kid. Get on top of me. Now.”
“I need you in my mouth first,” she tells me, gently grabbing the base of my cock and bringing it to her lips, letting her tongue run over my tip, tasting me. She lets out a whimper and I’m so fucking desperate my groan sounds more like a pained cry. Jessa licks me and kisses me and sucks on me like she can’t get enough, like she just wants to taste me, not like she’s trying to get me off. But she is. The sounds of need and appreciation slipping from her mouth and the way she’s losing herself in me is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m about to lose it so I lean forward and pull her up, dragging her across my body until my mouth is inside of hers. She kisses me just like she was kissing my dick – like she’s tasting me, like she’s savoring me, completely lost in me, not concerned about the fact that my dick is not in her. It’s fucking hot, but I need to get inside of her so I lift her hips until I feel her wetness on my tip. She cries out into my mouth and sinks down on me and I feel like I’m gonna pass out. Jesus.
Jessa sits up and starts rocking her body against mine in slow thrusts. I stare at her content face, her heavy-lidded eyes and her parted lips before my eyes travel to her heavy breasts that are bouncing slowly against her body. This is not how shit usually goes down with us – all chill and laid back. We are usually desperate and frantic and I don’t get to appreciate how beautiful she is as she grinds me.
“This is unreal,” she tells me with a lazy smile. “I feel like I’ve been orgasming since my mouth was on you. It feels so good, Pax.”
She’s right, that’s what this feels like. “The things you do to me, beso… I swear to God, you were made for me.”
“You were born before me, Pax,” she says lazily. “You were created and then I was made for you.”
The tone of her voice, her body on mine…it’s overwhelming. “So I’m not just a waste of an egg?” I don’t know why I’m spewing that bullshit right now, but that’s what comes out of my mouth.
“I don’t think you were created from her egg,” Jessa tells me without the usual anger in her voice when she speaks bout Rachel.
“She’s not my mom?”
“No, Pax. You were placed there miraculously. You never belonged to her. She didn’t deserve you. She doesn’t get to claim you.”
“Who do I belong to?”
Her eyes become intensely focused for a moment. “I belong to you. I was made for you.”
“Yeah, beso,” I agree, “It’s just us. Noting else matters.”
“There is no me without you.”
“We were never us until we found each other.”
“You’re my family, Pax. You’re my everything.”
“Yeah,” I breathe. The intensity is growing in my body. Assaulting me from multiple places and I feel like I’m splitting open, like I’m not gonna make it through this. It’s fucking painful. “Beso, I need to come,” I tell her.
She rocks her body harder and deeper but keeps up her steady rhythm. She’s getting me there but the pain is so intense, I need it gone. I grab a hold of my baby and lay her down on the bed. I keep myself close to her, my eyes focused on her as I push inside of her. Her face starts to tense, her insides form to mine in a tight grip and her body starts to shake under mine. I want to fall apart but I manage to move inside of her until the pain covers my body, until it stings, until it grips me.
Jessa screams and it’s filled with all the agony I’m feeling. When everything leaves her body I finally let everything inside of me out too. “I fucking love you,” I growl as the last bit of pain and pleasure drains out of me and into her.
My body collapses beside her, rolling her limp body onto my side. My head is spinning, my body feels like mush. “Holy shit,” I say to myself.
“Oh my god, Pax. What the hell was that?”
“Us. You. The weed… I don’t fucking know but it was intense.”
“We should get high more often.”
“I don’t know if I can handle that again, kid. I think you almost killed me.”
“I don’t think that was dying.”
“No… you’re right. But I’m pretty sure my soul just exited my body for a minute.”
“Do you think that’s possible?” she asks, considering that it might be.
“You know what I think? I think anything’s possible when I’m inside of you. Yeah, I think part of me, part of my soul, just fled my body and went straight into yours.”
“That is how it felt,” she whispers. “I just lost part of me and it was replaced by part of you.”
“Yeah, beso,” I agree, liking that idea. “Now you can’t ever leave me. Now I’m inside of you forever.”
“You were always inside of me Pax, it’s just another piece.”
With her words, the unsettling feeling that’s been lingering in my body for the past day disappears. Thinking about Gabriel, thinking about my mom… maybe it’s something that’s never gonna leave me. That’s gonna sneak up on me every once in a while and make me feel like something’s off. But it’s not. Nothing’s off. Everything is right. I’m surrounded by friends who love me and who love Jessa. Vi was right – everything is perfect. Jessa is in my arms and everything is right.
Chapter 4 - Jessa
I just got done watching Paxton play another kick ass show and I’m feeling pretty fucking perfect. Paxton is never changing, he has no problem slipping off that stage and back into my arms like he wasn’t just getting worshiped by all those people. The guys and even Vi are always on some adrenaline high after the shows, ready to go celebrate and wanting to relive every moment of the show with a bottle in their hand or a joint in their mouth or, in Billy and Louis’ case, trying to cover up the fact that they are snorting coke.
I get it now- why Pax usually just wants to go home after the shows. He just wants things to be normal. He keeps himself isolated. He keeps me isolated. He’s protecting us from all the bad stuff that used to come with his career.
I snuggle into his side, happy to have his warm, moist body back in my arms. He holds me closely and kisses the top of my head and I reach out my tongue to taste his salty skin. I love the way he tastes and smells when he gets off stage. I love how warm he is. I love that he’s mine. He pulls me further into his body and slides down the couch, ducking so our foreheads are touching and we are in our safe little cocoon. He smiles at me and I think he looks like a boy. He makes me feel like a kid sometimes, when he smiles at me like that. Like a kid who’s in her little fort with her best friends. He laughs.
“What?” I ask him, laughing myself.
“You,” he says.
“What about me?
“You make me happy. This whole situation is so much different the second time around. Because of you. It’s fun. Like I’m just playing. Trying to impress my girl who is watching me from the side of the stage. I’m just a kid who’s in love.”
“I guess that means I’m dating the coolest kid on the block. I’m just a girl, playing with a boy.”
“It’s fun, huh? You and me. This. It’s the best time.”
I run my fingers across his lips. Ever since last night Pax has been happy again. Last night was awesome. Oh my god. I’ve never been much of drug user, but being high with Paxton was so fucking amazing. We are going to have to do that more often. Vi was right – we needed a night to forget about finals and the Lincoln show. “Yeah. It’s the best time. I love being in love with you.”
He puckers out his lips and I do the same until they’re touching. He smiles again and laughs and I love this side of him. “My girlfriend.”
“The sexy boy I’m dating.”
“You are so damn cute,” he tells me.
And then I’m reminded that I am not in a safe little fort with Pax when I hear the door to the greenroom slam open. I ignore it, so does he, but eventually I realize the room has gone silent. I glance at the doorway where a woman is standing. Her shirt is only half a shirt and it reveals her tight stomach and a tattoo snaking up the right side of her torso, disappearing into a low slung pair of pants that are synched around her ankles. Her long, blonde hair hangs down her back in a straight, sleek line. Her lips are painted cherry red and her light brown eyes are rimmed by long black lashes. She takes all of my focus away from Pax because she’s beautiful and intriguing. And she’s staring at Paxton. His body turns and my safe cocoon disappears. I can feel his arm stiffen around my shoulder.
The pain in the girl’s expression is pulling at my chest. “Paxton,” she says quietly, but the room is dead silent so her word rings like a bell.
“What the fuck are you doing here, Stella?” Billy says with hate in his voice.
The word runs through my head but I can’t quite grasp it. This beautiful woman standing in front of me, the one that’s got Paxton and the rest of us speechless is Stella? Paxton’s ex-girlfriend? The one that broke his heart? Seeing her in the flesh, it seems possible for the first time that there is a girl out there that he would want more than she would want him. Jesus. This is not what I pictured when Vi talked about Stella. This petite, big eyed, fragile, beautiful girl definitely does not look like the evil bitch Violet described.
She takes a step through the door and it shuts behind her. The rest of us are non-existent as she walks slowly towards Paxton. Her eyes don’t even veer to me – the girl who he’s got his arm wrapped around.
I’m staring at her intensely focused eyes and I feel Paxton’s arm slowly slip off my shoulder. He stands as if in slow motion and now I’m not looking at her, but I’m looking at him standing in front of her, looking down at her. Her big eyes looking up at him and I can see it, I can feel it. The history. The them.
Her hands slip around his sides, each one of her ringed fingers clicking down on his hip. “What are you doing here, Stella?” he asks her. He doesn’t sound angry. He sounds pained. Like the site of her, here in his space, is painful.
“I missed you, Paxton. I needed to come see you.” Her voice is sweet and delicate and makes me feel for her. I can’t imagine what it does to Paxton.
I watch as his hands make their way to hers. They linger there, holding onto her for what is probably just a moment, but seems like an eternity. He pushes her hands off him but it looks reluctant, like he’s fighting himself to do it. Her hands fall to her sides and they are no longer touching but the space between them is like nothing as I watch them staring at each other like a million words are being passed. Like they are operating under a completely different frequency then the rest of us. Like they are the only ones in the room.
“You shouldn’t be here, Stell,” he tells her with passion that could be anger, but sounds more like remorse. Like regret. Lik
e words he doesn’t want to say but he’s forcing himself to.
“I know, babe. I know that.” She shakes her head and her face becomes tense. “Don’t make me go, okay. Just give me a chance to explain.” Her hand reaches out and tentatively touches him on his stomach and I see the flinch. The reaction to her touch. The fact that he reacted to it.
“There is nothing to explain.” His voice is suddenly tense as his eyes veer around the room like he is only now aware that they are not alone. When they make their way to me they close for too long, like he’s just remembered I’m here and he’s trying to accept it. He reaches out his hand toward me and all I can do is stare at it. Not sure what to do with it. “Jessa,” he says. I look into his impatient eyes. “Let’s go.”
I grab a hold of his hand and he pulls me up, stepping around Stella and walking me out the door. “Catch you guys tomorrow,” he says without turning around.
We make our way through the crowd of fans that seems to grow with every show. Ninety percent of them are female and they all look desperate for Paxton. They grab onto him and call to him. They never bothered me, at least not as much as it should bother me to have a throng of girls throwing themselves at my man. But what just happened inside of the club is planting itself firmly in my body.
We’re in the car heading home and neither of us has said a word. I feel like I’m in shock. Like things have changed. Like I’ve lost him just because that girl stepped into that room. Everything seems different all of the sudden. We’re half way home when Paxton finally speaks. “Why are you so quiet over there?” he asks like he’s irritated with me. I realize then that his hand is not laced with mine or resting on my leg.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. You always got questions when it comes to that shit. What do you want to say?”
“Nothing, Pax,” I tell him, looking out the window, focusing on nothing.
“Shit,” he mutters under his breath.
When we get home I head into the apartment with Paxton following me.
Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) Page 4
