“Why don’t I believe you?”
“We’re good, Pax. Don’t be afraid.”
He closes his eyes for a moment and then pulls out of me with a low moan. He lays down on his back and wraps me up in his arm. “I don’t like this, Jessa. Something’s wrong. I need you to tell me. I need to know that we’re good.”
“I don’t know what to say to you, Pax. I love you. I’m never going to stop loving you – no matter what you do. I can’t stop loving you. I will never be able to leave you.”
“You wish that wasn’t true. You want to be able to stop loving me? You want to be able to leave me?”
“Yeah,” I admit. “When you leave me I want to be able to let you go. But I won’t. I never will.”
“You have to stop this shit now, beso. It’s not right. What you’re doing to us isn’t right.”
“I’m going to go home for the week. Back to River Bluff.”
Before I have a chance to take a breath he’s got me flipped over, my body on top of his. “What?”
“Don’t flip out, Paxton. It’s not because of what happened last night. I just… I feel bad that I haven’t been there for Natalie and you are going to be so busy all week. It just doesn’t make sense for me to stay here.”
“We already talked about this shit. I told you I would bring you home. You told me you didn’t want to go. If you are going, I’m going with you. I’m not letting you swim around in that disoriented brain of yours for a week without me. No fucking way.”
“Pax, calm down. We’re good, okay? It’s just a week. You can’t come with. You can’t get out of your show.”
“Perfect. That’s a perfect plan. Leave me knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. What the fuck, beso?”
“You can focus on the show and I can focus on clearing my head. When I come back it will be good. It will be better.”
“Nah, nah, nah, beso. Don’t act like I’m stupid. Like I don’t know exactly what is running through that head of yours. You’re going home ‘cause you need to detach yourself and make sure that you are still capable of living without me. Of not needing me. Of moving on. When the hell are you going to accept that that’s a survival skill you no longer need? You don’t need to figure out how to live without me ‘cause that’s never going to happen.”
I shake my head at him, but he’s right. He knows me too well. He understands too much. “Stop, Pax. I know that, okay. I don’t want to live if I’m not part of you. It’s not possible. It’s just a week. I don’t want to leave you, okay, but I have to go home eventually and I’d rather it be when I don’t have to miss school and when you are going to be too busy to be with me anyway.”
“I’m coming. This is fucking stupid. I’ll figure shit out with the show – we’ll reschedule. I’m coming with you.”
“You can’t reschedule the show. It’s sold out. You signed a contract with the station. You are going to be with the guys twenty four seven anyways. You won’t even know I’m gone.”
“I won’t know you’re gone? Really? When I fall asleep and wake up without you in my arms I won’t know you’re gone? Fuck that, Jessa.”
“You can facetime me. I’ll lay in my bed and you’ll lay in ours and we’ll fall asleep with each other, okay. It’s a week. We’ll survive.”
“How are you gettin’ home?”
“Dylan.”
“With Dylan?” he asks, his nostrils flaring, his eyes darkening.
“Yes, Pax, with Dylan. And don’t even start. Don’t even talk about him like he matters. Not after what I’ve been going through with you. Don’t even fucking say it.”
“So you’re driving home with your ex-boyfriend, going to spend a week in that town with him and I don’t have a say in any of it? Shut the hell up.”
“Can we not do this? Can we not fight right before I have to leave you?”
Paxton shakes his head, “Jesus, kid. You are a piece of work.” He sits up and picks me up off of him, setting me on the bed and then standing. I watch him as he goes to the dresser and pulls on his sweats before turning back to me. “This is fucked up, Jessa,” he tells me, shaking his head and laughing before walking out of the bedroom.
My heart sinks. I really don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to fight with him. I don’t want to sleep anywhere but in his arms. I stand up and grab my robe, putting it on before going to the bathroom to shower.
Under the hot water I let my tears flow freely. I don’t know why I’m crying. Because being with Paxton is too much. It’s too emotional. He makes me feel too much. Everything is worth crying for – the way I love him, the way I need him, the way he needs me too. The fact that it’s painful to be apart from him. It’s too much. People shouldn’t feel this much. It’s wrong.
When I feel like I can, I shut off the water and get out of the shower. When I head back to our room, Paxton is not there. I throw my hair up in a bun and put on my jeans and a tank top. I start digging through my drawer, looking for a comfortable shirt to wear in the car – something my wardrobe is lacking. I see Paxton’s hoodie on the floor and pick it up. I’m going to miss him. I need part of him with me, so I put it on.
I grab my suitcase and start throwing enough clothes in it to get me through the week, I also grab a couple of Paxton’s t-shirts and one of his guitar pics that’s laying on the bedside table by my phone.
When I head out to the living room Paxton is on the couch, his phone in his hands. He glances up at me with a pissed off expression, but then smiles. “Something to remember me by?” he asks, looking at his sweatshirt.
I drop my suitcase and walk to him, straddling his lap and wrapping my hands around his shoulders. “I’m going to miss you, Pax. Don’t think I’m not going to. Don’t think it’s not going to be physically painful for me to be away from you.”
“Then why are you doing this, beso? I don’t want you going away from me.”
“You know why, Pax.”
“Yeah I do – because you’re fucked up. This isn’t necessary.”
“It is for me. I’ll be better when I come back to you. I haven’t been myself. I need to be myself again, okay?”
“Don’t change too much,” he whispers, his eyes full of sadness and I almost break. I almost say fuck it. But it’s true. I haven’t been myself.
“I need to see us clearly again. I need to get all this fucked up shit out of my brain, right?”
“Just don’t let go of me.”
“I’m just trying to figure out how to hold onto you the right way. I don’t want to be this girl. I don’t want to do shit like I did last night. I don’t want to hate you and doubt you. I just want to love you right.”
“You always love me right. That’s stupid.”
“It doesn’t feel right. Worrying that you are going to leave me, that you don’t love me the way I love you doesn’t feel right.”
“‘Cause it ain’t right.”
“I know, Pax. I need to get myself right. I’ll be better when I come back.”
“You shouldn’t have to leave me to do that.”
“I know that, babe, but I’m messed up right now.”
He stares at me for a while and I fight to keep my tears at bay. I run my hand over his face, my thumb drags over his bottom lip and pain sears through my body. “I love you so fucking much,” I whisper, and then I can’t hold back my tears. They trickle down my face.
Paxton’s eyes become glossy and his jaw becomes tense. “Why does this feel like goodbye, huh? Why does it feel like you’re telling me goodbye?”
“I’m not, Pax. That’s not what this is. I love you so much. That’s all this is. I love you so much.”
“We can never love each other too much, you know that right?”
“Yeah,” I whisper, but I don’t believe that. I know I love him too much.
“The way you love me… I love you more,” he says with intensity in his voice.
“No, Pax,” I tell him with a sad smile. “No.”
�
�Yeah, beso. Don’t start telling yourself different. Don’t start telling yourself you love me more than I love you. That you need me more than I need you. ‘Cause I can’t live without you. I’m not me without you. When are you going to understand that?”
“I get it, Pax,” I tell him, leaning in to kiss his lips. I hold onto them and he clings to me. I lose myself in the kiss as our tongues run over each other’s, as our lips grip each other’s. I pull away and look into his eyes. “I have to go. Can you drive me to the dorms?”
“Yeah, beso. I’d love to bring you to your ex-boyfriend so you can go home with him.”
“Thanks,” I tell him, forcing myself to smile. I climb off his lap and he stands. He walks to our room and I don’t follow. I wait for him, my stomach tightening with knots. When he comes back out he’s wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, his keys are in his hand.
He gives me a tight smile and picks up my suitcase, heading to the door. I follow him, staring at his shoulders and his neck. His body. I need to get a hold of myself. I’m missing him already. I force my eyes away from him and stare at the steps I’m descending, and then the sidewalk, until I’m in his car.
He whips his car around, pushing too hard on the accelerator. Once he’s heading down the road he reaches out and takes my hand in his. “If I can’t handle this, if it’s too much, I’m coming there to get you.”
“Okay,” I agree. I’m not sure that I will actually be able to do this.
“You need to pick up your phone when I call. Don’t go forgetting it somewhere. I need you to pick up when I call.”
“I will,” I tell him.
“You need to remember how much I love you, beso. Don’t start thinking all kinds of fucked up thoughts.”
“I won’t, Pax. This will be good for us. I promise.”
“You’re full of shit, kid. I can’t believe I’m fucking driving you to Dylan. This is fucked up.”
“You know you don’t need to worry about him. You know you don’t have to worry about anyone.”
“Whatever,” he says, shaking his head as we pull into campus.
“Stay away from her, Pax. I don’t want you around her while I’m gone.”
“She doesn’t matter, beso. You know that.”
“Please, Pax. Just stay away from her. Just while I’m gone,” I say, my voice cracking.
“I won’t go near her. I don’t want to be anywhere near her.”
“I’m sorry that I’m being so stupid. That I’m a crazy jealous bitch.”
“You’re the only one I see, beso,” he says, his voice angry. Frustrated. “Where am I going?”
“It’s that one,” I say, pointing to Dylan’s dorm.
“Jesus, kid. I can’t believe I’m fucking doing this,” he says as Dylan, standing by his car, comes into view.
Paxton pulls up next to his car but he doesn’t release my hand. “Stay here with me, Jess.”
“Don’t, Pax. Don’t do that. I don’t want to go, so don’t do that.”
He lets go of my hand, shaking his head. He gets out of the car and slams his door shut. I get out too and wait while Paxton brings my suitcase to Dylan’s car and puts it in the trunk, slamming it closed. He walks to Dylan’s side and stares down at him. “Get her home and then stay the fuck away from her. If you even look at her the wrong way I will kick your ass.”
“Jesus, relax.”
“Don’t tell me to fucking relax. I’m sending my girl off with you – the fucking pathetic asshole who’s still trying to get her to notice him. I know you’re thinking you’re going to have all these hours with her and you’re already coming up with words you are going to say to her. You’re already wondering if you can turn this into something with her. So don’t tell me to fucking relax.”
“I’m not interested in your girl, okay,” he says, stepping out of Paxton’s space and getting in the car, shutting the door before fliping him off.
Paxton manages to ignore him and turns his attention to me. “You know he’s going to try and talk you into something. If you even hint at the fact that you are struggling with what’s going on with us he will play it up, Jessa. Don’t talk about us with him.”
“Paxton, stop. He’s nothing. He’s my ride home.”
Paxton picks me up and wraps me in his arms, I fasten my legs around his waist. “Get your shit straight and then come back to me.”
“I’m going to miss you so much,” I tell him.
“Good, I hope you’re miserable.”
“I will be,” I tell him.
“You deserve it for doing this to us. I’m going to be miserable.”
“Don’t be, Pax. Focus on your music. You’re show is going to be great. It’s going to be good. We’re going to be good.”
He kisses me long and hard and when he lets go I have a hard time doing the same thing. “Get the fuck out of here, beso. I’m pissed at you,” he whispers, setting me down on the ground.
“I love you, Pax.”
“Yeah… I love you too,” he says, walking to his car and getting inside. He slams the door and doesn’t look back before he pulls away.
Chapter 9 - Paxton
It’s seven o’clock, which means Jessa should be home. She should have called me by now. I’m trying to focus on the song that the guys and I are running through but I’m staring at my phone that’s on the coffee table in front of me and thinking about why she left. I know exactly what this is. It’s her trying to get control over a situation where she feels like she’s lost it. She’s still afraid of her feelings for me and having Stella in town is exasperating her fears. I’m wondering if this is a battle I’m ever gonna win. Will she ever believe that I will always love her, that I will never leave her? Maybe she was right. Maybe she needs to go home for a week to realize how much we need each other. I don’t fucking know. All I do know is that I already feel wrong. I literally don’t know who I am without her.
“Paxton, motherfucker, can you focus for one damn second? This is your song, we’re not gonna be able to get it right if you can’t focus for a minute.”
We plugged in the acoustics to try and mellow out the sound and even smoked a few joints to help the process along. It’s better, but it’s still not right. Partially, ‘cause I don’t have my head in the game.
“Yeah,” I tell Billy, shaking my head. Jessa couldn’t have picked a worse time to pull this shit with me. I need to be focusing right now. We only got a few days ‘till our show and all the new songs are so close but something’s still off. And if this shit is getting recorded and distributed then I want it right. I shouldn’t have signed on for this shit. I grab my phone, turn the ringer off and throw it in my open guitar case on the floor.
“I don’t know about this, Pax. It’s really fucking mellow,” Billy says. “I don’t want to go all emo, man. I really don’t. I don’t want to have to shed tears on stage.”
“You’re such a pussy, Billy. You don’t have to rock out and scream in order to make good music, get in touch with your emotions, man,” Jimmy tells him.
“Okay, fucking Hall and Oats over there on your little love seat singing about the girls you love.”
“Maybe that’s your problem. Maybe you need a woman,” Jimmy says.
“Yeah… no thanks. Louis and I are the only ones keeping it real around here. Where’s your girl anyway? Isn’t she supposed to be here, hanging off your arm?” he asks, his eyes directed at me.
“You missing her?” I ask him.
“Yeah, I kind of am. I like your girl. She’s cool. And after having that psycho Stella hanging around… I can totally appreciate Jessa.”
“She went home for the week,” I tell him, trying to play it off like I’m cool with the situation.
“Awesome. That means you’re going to be a grumpy asshole until she gets back. Fuck.”
“It’s fine. We’re going to be in this rank hole all week anyway. She don’t need to be around for this.”
“So what’s the plan man?” Billy ask
s me. “I mean, that shows five days away. Maybe we should give up on this new shit and just work on getting our old material good and shiny.” I don’t respond. I’m not really listening because, all casual like it’s a pack of fucking cigarettes, Billy took his vile of coke out of his pocket and started cutting it up while he was speaking to me. I know he and Louis are using again now that we’re playing. But he knows better than to tempt me. He takes out his stainless steel straw and sucks up a line like the expert he is. Louis is right there with him. When he sees Jimmy and I kicked back on the couch he looks at us, holding his hands up, “What the fuck? Hall and Oats don’t do blow? Come on assholes, it’s just the four of us. We’re just kicking back, man. Partake. It ain’t gonna kill you. Let’s bond.”
“Shit. Vi’s not gonna like this,” Jimmy says as he takes the straw from Louis and hits the table.
“So you’re the pansy in the group? Shit man, you used to suck this stuff like a hoover.”
“Yeah, I did, and I don’t really want to be a fucking addict again,” I tell him, staring at the coke, wanting to snort it more than anything. Fucking Billy – shoving this shit in my face. He knows I ain’t got it in me to resist. Not on a night like tonight when I don’t want to go home and face the reality that Jessa is gone.
“We’re not gonna let you become an addict, it’s one line.”
“Yeah,” I say, feeling the straw in my fingers, watching myself leaning into the table like I have no control. I chase the line until there is nothing left to chase, then I drop the straw and lean back against the couch. I pinch my sinuses, sucking the substance further into my head. I can feel it almost immediately. “Fuck,” I mutter because I shouldn’t have done this. I love it too much.
“See, no big deal, man,” Billy says, and I can hear him cutting more lines.
“Put that shit away now, man.”
“I got you, brother. You don’t gotta worry.”
I stay kicked back on the couch, feeling the drug taking over me. It covers me like a blanket until it’s all that matters, until everything else is invisible. This is why I love this shit. Everything is alright when you’re high on it. Everything is euphoric. Everything is easy and possible. All that matters is who you are and what you’re doing right now.
Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) Page 9
