“Is that her?” Emily asks, tentatively.
“Yeah,” I manage to mutter.
“Shit, I’m sorry Jess. I didn’t realize that was there.”
“It’s fine, Em. I get to see her with him all the time in real life,” I tell her, but I can feel the panic starting to set in. I start flipping through the pictures and I don’t see any more of Stella. When I get to the recent ones I stop. I open a new window and type in ‘Stella’ and then I realize I have no idea what her last name is so I type ‘Paxton Alvarado and Stella’.
“What are you doing, Jess?” Emily asks.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” I ask her, clicking on ‘Images’ in the search results.
“Don’t do that, Jess. All it’s going to do is piss you off.”
“I have to see, Emily,” I tell her as the images start popping up. “Holy shit,” I mutter. There are a lot of them. I glance at them then open one of them in a space that looks like a home. I open the website that the image is attached to and it’s Stella’s Instagram account. “Oh my god,” I mutter, reading the caption. Me and my baby chilling on a Sunday #paxandstell #lovethisboy #livinginlove #dontbejealous I glance at the photo – a selfie she took of the two of them. He’s got his teeth on her shoulder and she looks like she’s laughing. She’s wearing one of his t-shirt that he still wears. “Fuck,” I mutter before flipping to the next picture.
With each passing image I feel him slipping away from me. Everything that I thought belonged to me belonged to her too - them in bed; him shirtless on the bed playing his guitar; them at The Bottle with Billy, Louis and Elijah; the two of them cuddled up backstage after a show. And then there are so many pictures of shit I never did with him; them at some park on fucking swings; her on his back on the street; the two of them at parties and raves and bars I’ve never heard of and with friends of theirs that I’ve never met. They hurt. Every single one of them hurts. I can’t stomach the sight of them kissing. I can’t look at his intense grey eyes as he stares at her and she snaps pictures of him.
And then I stop. Everything inside of me freezes. There is a picture of Stella sitting, presumably naked, on top of Paxton. He’s got his head turned – his tongue licking her neck. The smile on her face is delirious. And her arm, the one that is wrapped around his back, has a tattoo of a black feather breaking out into a flock of birds. When she has it resting on him, the birds seamlessly flow off of her skin and onto his. The caption says Our newest tattoo. #birdsofafeather #flockforever #paxandstell #inloveforever #livinginlove.
I hand the tablet back to Emily. I can’t look at anymore of this shit.
“Jess, that was before you. He didn’t even know you then,” she tries to assure me.
“The shit he tells me… about the two of them. He talks like what they had was nothing. Like he never loved her. Like what they had was different than what we have, and it is. It’s so much more. Years of fucking photos of them and in every one he looks ecstatic, completely in love with her. And a fucking matching tattoo. Jesus. She was the love of his life. She is the love of his life. I’m a fucking nano second of his life. That- those pictures- is a fucking past. It’s huge. It’s… Jesus. All his words are fucking lies.”
“Jessa, stop. They are pictures. That’s all they are. Pictures that she chose to post on her account. It’s not like she’s going to take pictures of them at their worst and post them. You knew he lived with her. You knew they were together for three years. I mean, it hurts to look at, but they don’t mean anything. Don’t make them mean something. Nothing has changed.”
“They do mean something, Em. He lied to me. Who gets a matching tattoo with someone they don’t love? Who looks at a girl like that if they are not in love? I mean, Jesus, his hands and mouth are all over her in every picture. And I know what that fucking look on his face means. And he still looks at her like that. He still loves her. Fucking asshole.”
“Jessa,” Emily says, putting her hands on my shoulder and leaning into me. “Don’t do this to yourself. Do you know how much time I lost with Danny over misunderstandings? You can’t assume anything. You can’t attach feelings and thoughts to him that he is not feeling or thinking. He could have her if he wanted her, but he doesn’t. He wants you. He loves you. It’s only you. And yeah, maybe he loved her or maybe he thought he loved her when he was with her, but, sweetie, he doesn’t anymore.”
I shake my head at her because she’s wrong. “I saw it, the first night she came back. I saw it and I felt it. It’s real. What they have is real.”
“Shit,” she says, taking her hands off my shoulders and leaning back against the couch. “I shouldn’t have showed you that website. I swear to God, Jessa, if you let this come between the two of you I will never forgive myself.”
I lay back against the couch next to her. I’m not going to talk about it with her anymore. She can say whatever she feels is necessary but everything inside of me is hurting. Everything inside of me understands.
Chapter 11 - Paxton
I’ve slept maybe eight hours in the past three days. My mind is racing constantly. My thoughts are spinning and I can’t get them to slow down. I don’t know if things are good or bad.
I know the songs we are spitting out at a rapid pace are good. I know things with the guys are better than ever. I know everyone is on board with the new sound we are becoming comfortable in. I know that Polly is better than ever.
I know the amount of blow I’m consuming is bad. But it feels so fucking good and I can’t stop it right now. The pain that I’m feeling at being separated from Jessa is manageable. I’m so laser focused on what the guys and I are doing I hardly have time to miss her. And I’m not going to bed or waking up – I’m merely passing out on Billy’s couch for small stretches of time. I knew I wouldn’t be able to be in that bed without her. I haven’t even seen our bed since she’s been gone. I haven’t even been to the apartment since she’s been gone. It’s easier this way. Crashing at Billy’s, running off the euphoria of the cocaine, hearing the music that will match my lyrics that I have to get laid down at any random hour of the day or night is making life without her tolerable.
But then it’s downtime like this when Billy is crashed out in his room and I’m coming down off my high, telling myself that I can’t do another line because I need to get some sleep, that shit starts to feel heavy and my thoughts are all about her. I pick up my phone and look at my call history. She’s called me once. She’s been away from me for three days and she’s called me once. The first night she left me and I didn’t have my fucking phone. She didn’t even leave me a message. Her voice, when I called her back the next day, was unrecognizable. She felt so far away and dead. Her ‘I love you’ was laced with bitterness and she didn’t have anything good to say to me. I’m pretty sure she was pissed that it took me half a day to call her back, but she didn’t even make the effort to fight with me. I look at the time. It’s eleven o’clock in the morning so I dial her number.
When she picks up I get the same thing I got before – a bored, “Hey”.
I close my eyes and take a breath because right now it hurts. Right now I get it. “What’s going on with you?” I ask her under my breath.
“Nothing, Pax. Just sitting around with Lydia and Dean talking about the weather.”
“That’s not what I mean, beso. Why are you being all cold and distant?”
I hear her exhale a breath and the clatter of a chair. She’s leaving the table that she’s sitting at with her mom and Dean. “This is just hard, Pax. When I left you, this isn’t how I thought it would be. I mean, I get that you’re busy. That you have to focus on the band right now. I’m just not used to having this much space between us. I mean, it’s been three days and this is the second call I’ve gotten from you. I just can’t help but wonder if you even give a shit.”
“Do you know how many times you’ve called me since you went back there?”
“I’ve called you once.”
“Why is
that?”
“I talk to Vi, Pax. I know you don’t go home. I know you guys are in that warehouse all day and night. I know that Violet is ready to give up on Jimmy because apparently you guys are fucked up twenty-four-seven. So why would I call you, Pax? You don’t have time for me right now.”
“I love you, kid. I know I’m acting like a total asshole but I’m just trying to get through this shit… you know. I know I shouldn’t be snorting all that coke… I know that. But it numbs me. It makes my pain tolerable. It keeps me awake. And I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to sleep without you in my arms. I mean, shit… what do you want me to do when you leave me the way you did?”
“I’m not mad at you, Paxton. I don’t have a problem with whatever you are doing while I’m gone. I’m just trying to let you do your thing. If you feel like talking to me, you’ll call. You don’t need me interrupting your life right now. That’s all I’m saying.”
“That’s brilliant, beso. Turn your shit around on me, make me feel bad about the fact that you left me.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Pax. I just told you I don’t have a problem with the way you’re living your life.”
“Do you even fucking care? Is it even a problem for you to be living without me?”
“Babe, are you listening to me? No, it’s not easy to feel so far away from you in every sense of the word, but I understand that it’s how things are right now. It’s fine. It’s been three days, Paxton. I’m fine.”
I shake my head at that. This isn’t her. Something is up. “Why are you doing this?”
“Jesus, Pax. Doing what?”
“Acting like this with me. This ain’t us. It’s been three days. Fuck that. You don’t miss me? You don’t miss us? You don’t miss our bed or my mouth or my hands? Not at all?”
Jessa is completely silent on the other end of the phone.
“What’s going through your head?” I ask her.
“Nothing, Pax,” she whispers.
“That answer’s not gonna work for me. As far as I know I haven’t done shit to make you act like this. If it’s the blow you’re pissed about, then just tell me. If it’s the fact that I don’t want to stay in that apartment without you, then just fucking tell me. Whatever it is, I will fix it. I will give you whatever you need. But you gotta tell me what that is. ‘Cause I’m just trying to survive here. I’m just trying to focus on the music and get through this show until you get your ass back here.”
“Please, Paxton… Just surviving? Is that what you’re doing? Because the one time you did call me, you barely gave me five minutes of your life. I mean, you didn’t even ask me what was going on with me. I get it now, that you were all hopped up on your drugs and didn’t have it in you to waste your time talking to me when you could be writing music, or running through the streets with the guys, but don’t give me that sob story bullshit.”
“So, what… you’re not gonna be happy until Vi reports back to you that I’m lying in our bed crying? You’re not gonna be happy until you hear that I can’t even leave the house ‘cause I’m so fucking depressed without you? I don’t know what the fuck you want from me.”
“I told you twice. I don’t fucking care what you’re doing. And no, I would never expect you to waste a second of your life missing me. I’m not asking you for anything. You are the one trying to make something out of this. I don’t fucking care,” she seethes.
“You are so infuriating, you know that? Why do you always have to be so defensive and shut yourself off from me, huh? And stop telling me that you don’t care what I’m doing because that’s a fucking problem right there. How can you not care what I’m doing?”
“Should I care? Should I be concerned about something?”
“Maybe. Yeah, actually, I think you probably should. I’m not me when you’re not here. Shit goes out of control fast when I don’t have you. So yeah, maybe you should give a shit, but you already let me know, beso, that you don’t.”
“I didn’t realize,” she tells me with mock sympathy. “Are you having a hard time, Pax? ‘Cause all you gotta do is tell me. I don’t want you hurting.”
I shake my head at her smartass bullshit and wonder what the fuck is going on. “You need to tell me right now, kid, what the hell you are trying to do to me?”
She lets out a long breath on the other end of the line. “I’m sorry, Pax. I don’t think we’re good together when we’re apart. Just focus on your show and I’ll see you in a few days. I’m sorry. I’m really not trying to piss you off.”
“Just tell me everything is good, beso. Just tell me you’re coming back to me.”
“We’re good, Pax. I’m coming back to you,” she says, but her tone tells me she’s appeasing me. She doesn’t want to talk about this anymore.
If she’s doing this to me again, pulling herself away from me because of whatever bullshit is running through that head of hers, I don’t know that I’m gonna be able to recover from that. But it’s clear I’m not getting anywhere with her. “Stay out of that head of yours, beso. It’s always telling you lies.”
“My head is crystal clear. I’ll talk to you later. I love you, Pax.”
“I miss you, beso. I wish you wouldn’t have left me. I don’t know what I’m doing without you.”
She’s quiet again. I know she’s got something she wants to say to me that she’s not. “We’ll be together again soon, okay?” she whispers. “I wish I hadn’t left, but I’ll be home soon. Just get through your show, Pax. I love you.”
“I love you too,” I tell her before the line goes dead. I throw the phone on the floor and feel the instability of my body coming off the drugs, mingled with the heaviness of Jessa’s words - the anger and then sadness in her voice. I want to get high again and make it all go away but I can’t tell if I’m thinking clearly or not. I need to sleep. I need to forget everything for a while.
I get up and go to the kitchen and riffle through Billy’s drug drawer until I find a bottle of Xanax. I pop a couple then I go lay my ass down on the couch, pulling my hoodie over my face and cowering into the cushions. I feel the drugs relaxing my muscles and my nerves. I float in between awake and asleep and I see Jessa. I feel her in my arms. I can smell her and taste her. For a hazy moment I am me again and everything is fine.
#
I managed to sleep away most of the day. Billy had to wake me up when it was time to head to The Lincoln for our run through of the performance with the guys from the radio station. I didn’t put anything in my system beforehand because no one had any blow. So it was stressful, realizing that we were completely un-fucking-prepared… we didn’t even have a set list and hadn’t really performed any of the songs properly. Funny, how the last three days I thought we were gonna change the scene altogether. That the shit we were coming up with was epic and original. That’s the problem with coke – it always makes you think you’re a lot better than you actually are. And we didn’t have one rational brain between the four of us. We were all on the same page.
But the crew from the radio station were ‘blown away’ which was probably just hyperbole, but the guys are taking it literally and they all think we need a night off to celebrate and regroup. Now the word ‘celebrating’ means snorting an eight ball. Sober, all I can think about is Jessa and her shitty fucking attitude. Sober, all I can think about is what she’s doing in River Bluff and what kind of shit is running through her head. Sober, all I can do is wonder if I am messing everything up. The minute the show is over I’m getting in my car and driving back to that farm town to get her, but for the next two days, I’m most likely just gonna be a junky.
We head to The Bottle and all of us are on edge because Billy is still drugless. We slam a few drinks and I realize how pathetic we have all become. We’re not even talking, just staring at the front door, waiting for someone to bring us our drugs.
“Shit,” I mutter when I see Stella walk through the door.
“Thank fucking God,” Billy says at the sa
me time.
“What the fuck, man?”
“Calm down, Pax. She’s cool. She’s over that shit with you. And she’s got a couple grams she’s gonna give us.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You keeping in contact with her”
“No, man. It’s called desperation. Just deal with it for a few minutes and then we’ll get the hell away from her.”
“How’s it going?” she asks when she gets to our table.
She makes a move like she’s going to slide into the booth but Billy stops her and grabs her elbow. “Let’s go in back,” he tells her.
I pull out my phone and dial Jessa’s number. If I’m gonna be around this girl, Jessa’s gonna be on the phone with me the whole time so that it’s not cause for ending shit with me.
“You calling to get permission?” Stella asks me.
“Yeah- I’m letting her know you’re here. You started shit that didn’t need to be started and I’m not gonna risk fucking shit up with her over you.”
“That’s really sad, Pax. A boy like you doesn’t need to be regulated like that.”
I hang the phone up when Jessa’s voice mail kicks on. I told her she needed to answer the phone when I called, but she’s not. Who knows what the hell she’s doing. I back myself up against the wall, waiting impatiently as Stella gets the lines cut. When everyone’s done taking their hit, I take mine, then sit down next to Louis and close my eyes.
The immediate high doesn’t come. I don’t feel any better than I did a second ago. My heart is beating too fast and I feel like I’m vibrating. “What is that shit, Stella?” I ask her, my eyes still closed.
“What are you talking about, baby?”
“Don’t call me baby. Who did you get that off of?”
“From Cain, same as always, babe.”
Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) Page 11
