She shrugged her shoulders.
“You’re right, ya know. You were feeling this way before I found out about Willow. That night in your apartment, you were afraid of me. It near broke my heart Renie, to think you could ever be afraid of me.”
He stood in front of her, but didn’t touch her. “We should have talked about it then. I should have talked about it, asked you about it. Before we made love. I think about that moment all the time, seeing that look in your eyes. That fear. It almost brings me to tears.”
She looked up at him. There were tears in his eyes. She reached up and touched his face.
“Billy—”
“I love you Renie. Do you know how much? Can you feel it comin’ off me? Too much to be able to handle thinking that you could ever be afraid of me.”
“I’m not afraid of you.”
“You are. You can’t deny it. You have to face it. You have to face whatever it is you’re afraid of.”
“Not you. Us maybe, but not you. I love you Billy, I have my whole life. I know you’d never hurt me…”
“No, you don’t. And that’s what you’re afraid of. I’m a risk. A huge risk. Because your heart is in it. This other guy? He’s not a risk. He hasn’t climbed into your heart yet. And I pray he never does.”
Billy turned and looked at the fire. “That’s why I’m here ya know. Not because I’m some jealous asshole. I’m here because I don’t want him to have the chance to mean something to you.”
Renie went back to the couch, but Billy stayed where he was.
“If things were different, if I didn’t have Willow, I could stay and fight for you. But I can’t. I feel as though I’m being pulled between the two most important people in my life. I can’t take care of you or her the way I want to. If I take care of you, I’m not there for her. If I’m there for her, I risk losing you.”
She could see the pain on his face. It ran through his body as he said the words. How could she be the cause of such pain? What was wrong with her? How could she do this to him?
“I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know this. If you’re thinking that leaving me is the answer, I’m here to tell you that isn’t it.”
“Are you sure Billy? I feel as though I’m asking you to choose. And I know you can’t. I mean you can. You have to choose your daughter.”
“Does it really come down to that? I can’t believe it does. I won’t. You haven’t even met her Renie. You haven’t even tried. You have to try. Isn’t it worth it to try?” He sat down next to her and gripped her shoulders.
“Isn’t it?” he demanded.
She started to cry, tears pouring down her cheeks.
“What are you so afraid of?”
“I…don’t…know,” she said between sobs.
“She’s just a baby. I wish I could understand it. If I could, I’d be able to help you. Is there anything you can say that will help me understand?”
“I don’t understand it myself Billy. If I don’t understand the way I feel, how I can explain it to you?”
He let go of her shoulders and sat down next to her on the couch. When she leaned into him, he put his arm around her. She rested her head on his shoulder and took a deep breath.
“What about Thanksgiving?”
“You tell me. My whole family is comin’ to Crested Butte. And they’re doin’ it for us. If you don’t want it to happen, you better say so right now.”
“No, I want it. But, I mean, do you?”
“Of course I do. Jesus Renie, it’s the thing I’m waiting for to start the rest of my life.”
“You think everything will fall into place? That easily.”
“I don’t think it. I hope for it. I pray for it. I want to believe it more than anything.”
“And what if it doesn’t?”
“We deal with it then. I wish now we hadn’t waited. The longer we wait, the more anxious you get. I’m right about that, aren’t I?”
“I don’t think it’s her. I think it’s you.”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t know if I can share you,” she whispered.
“I know,” he whispered back.
Billy spent the night, in Renie’s room, but left at sunrise. Jace spent the night too, at Bud and Ginny’s.
He wanted to know what happened last night, but wasn’t sure how to go about doing it. He called Ben.
“Yep, his truck was here last night, but when I got up this morning it was gone. I know Renie’s out ridin’ Pooh. Dad said she came down to the house a little while ago to ride her home.”
Damn. She’d been here, right outside, and he missed her.
“Mind if I come up to the house? I want to say goodbye, at least.”
“Come on up,” Ben laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“If Liv and I have a girl, I don’t think I’ll live through her courting years. When I met Renie she was already grown up, and I gotta tell you, I’m about ready to sit both you and Cowboy Patterson down and threaten you within an inch of your lives.”
“I hear ya,” he laughed. “I want what’s best for her,” he said more seriously. “I care about Irene. I’d like to be the man that puts a smile on her face, for the rest of her life. Although I’m beginning to think I don’t have a prayer in hell up against…what did you call him? Cowboy Patterson.”
“See ya in a bit Jace. And good luck. Never liked Patterson all that much myself, but can’t say I disagree with your assessment.”
Jace was waiting near the barn when Renie rode up on Pooh.
“Good morning,” he said.
“Hey.”
“Wanted to say goodbye.”
“Heading back?” She looked in the direction of the pass. “It’s a beautiful day for a drive home.”
“Yep, it is.” He took off his cowboy hat and walked toward her. “I hoped we could talk before I go.”
She climbed down and took Pooh’s reins. “Sure. Of course. I owe you an apology.”
“Nah, you don’t. I figure things are hard enough for you right now without me complicating them.”
“True. They are,” she laughed.
He was close enough to touch her face, so he did. And when she leaned in closer to him, he lost what little resolve he thought he had. His palm held her cheek as he leaned in to kiss her. When she kissed him back, he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into him.
Chapter 19
Her arms came up and circled around his neck, keeping him close to her. She pulled away from his kiss and rested her forehead against his chin.
“I was supposed to be apologizing to you, not making it worse.”
“Uh, I’ll take worse, along with that kind of apology anytime you want to give it to me,” he answered.
She let go and walked Pooh into the barn.
“I’m serious Jace. I can’t do this. I mean…”
“You’re in love with him.”
“I am, but I heard what you said yesterday. Something between us doesn’t work. Even before he became a dad, he saw it.”
She looked away from him, shook her head, and laughed. Then looked back at him. “You’re so much alike.”
“Oh man, I wish you wouldn’t say that. Jeez Irene, no man wants to be told he’s so much like the guy he’s trying to steal you away from.”
She laughed again, but she was frowning.
“Billy and his family are coming for Thanksgiving. I need to figure things out by then. You know…what I want, how I feel, who I am.” She took a deep breath. “And what the hell is wrong with me.”
“I’d like to help.”
“You just confuse me more. You don’t help.”
“No, I’m serious.” He held both his hands up. “Hands off, I promise. Talking only.”
She raised her eyebrows at him as if to say she doubted him.
“How was your ride?”
“Too short.”
“Wanna go back out? If we did, we could talk, and you’d know for sure
I wouldn’t be trying to kiss you.”
“Okay. That sounds nice. I miss riding with you.”
“I miss riding with you too.”
“Ben won’t care which horse you ride.”
“What about that one?” he said, pointing to Micah.
“Uh, no. That’s my mom’s horse and nobody rides him but her and…”
“And? Who?”
“She lets Billy ride him.”
“Why him? Not you?”
“I’m sure she’d let me if I wanted to, but I don’t. And the reason Billy gets to ride him is because he took care of him after my mom’s accident.”
“Your lives are entwined.”
“You have no idea.”
They rode out over the hills of the Rice Ranch, quiet at first.
“Why don’t you tell me about him? Forget who I am, just talk about him.”
“Jace, really? I can’t do that.”
“I’m serious. Tell me what you feel. I won’t lie and tell you hearing about him won’t hurt, because I know you love him. But, on the other hand, you need somebody to talk to. I’m here, and I’m offering.”
“We already did this.”
“No, we didn’t. You told me about him, not about you and him. Tell me what’s got you so tied up in knots.”
“If it was that easy,” she laughed.
“It is. Start talking. Try a pros and cons list. Here’s the good stuff, and here’s the bad stuff.”
“I can probably handle that.”
Once she started it was easy to talk about the good things about Billy. There were so many things she loved about him. She talked about the Billy she knew when she was a little girl, and how kind he was to her. Sometimes she felt as though Billy was the only person who really saw her. When she thought no one was paying attention, she’d look at him, and he’d be watching her. Studying her.
She told Jace about the day she rode Pooh out into the meadow the first time, and how Billy didn’t tease her about giving a girl horse a boy’s name. He told her that day to listen to her horse as much as she talked to him, and now she realized that was what Billy did with everybody. He listened more than he talked. He paid attention.
“Confidence,” she said. “That’s another thing. Until I met you, I’d never met anybody as confident as Billy Patterson.” That had been a deal-breaker, she told him.
“And when my mom got hurt, I don’t know what I would’ve done without Billy. My mom was impossible to deal with,” she laughed. “Between trying to hide her condition from Ben, to being the biggest pain in the ass in the world, she was also very depressed. I’d never seen my mom that way. Billy helped so much. He was there every step of the way. No one else thought about me, everyone was worried about my mom. And rightly so. But not Billy. He worried about me.”
“What else?” Jace asked.
Renie talked about how much fun Billy was. He made her smile, he made her laugh. He was the first person she felt like a woman with, instead of a kid.
If Renie ever needed anything, she knew Billy would do everything in his power to make sure she got it. Everyone else had given in to her about school. When she said she wasn’t going back, no one argued with her. Not Ben, not her mom, but Billy had. He pushed and pushed her, to at least consider going back.
“Is there more to this superhero, or is that it?”
“There’s more, but I don’t think I feel comfortable talking about it.”
“Door’s open, pretend I’m a priest or something.”
“Jace—”
“I’m serious Irene. You have this one opportunity to talk about whatever you want. It may not come again. And I’m not watching a clock trying to hurry you along.”
“Okay, but remember, you asked.”
“I’m ready, give me your worst.”
“He was my first…you know.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I wanted him to be. But, I didn’t think he saw me that way, as a woman, rather than a little girl. I was the sidekick, and I assumed one day he’d find someone who was more…and I’d get left behind.”
Jace stopped his horse, and she pulled Pooh in as soon as she realized it.
“What?”
“I’m not here to comment. I’m here to listen.”
“If you have something to say, say it.”
“Think about what you just said. Figure it out for yourself.”
“Which part?”
“You heard me, figure it out for yourself.”
“I was afraid he’d find someone else?”
He shrugged his shoulders.
“It’s the reason I told my mom to sell him her ranch.”
“Why?”
“Because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to stand watching him from afar. The Pattersons would never give up their ranch to another family. I knew one day it would be where Billy lived, with his wife, and their children. I knew it would rip me to pieces to see him with someone else. I’ve loved him for so long.”
“Keep going.”
“About this, or pros and cons?”
“So far I haven’t heard any cons, and I’d sure like to. But if you have more pros, keep goin’.”
She could talk for hours about the virtues of Billy Patterson. He was, after all, her favorite person on the planet. But what about the not so wonderful stuff? That was harder.
“He slept around a lot. Before me. I guess that isn’t much of a surprise.” She looked at Jace and raised an eyebrow.
“What? We’re talkin’ about Billy, remember?”
She thought back to the first time she met Jace, and how she wondered if he greeted all the new girls who came to the ranch personally.
“He’s stubborn.”
“Keep goin’. I like this part.”
“He’s selfish.”
“Care to elaborate on any of these condemnations? I’m enjoying this.”
“Before we became…romantic…Billy took me for granted. He expected me to be around when he wanted me to be.” She laughed. “He’d call me and ask me to dinner, and then expect me to cook it for him.
“He relied on me to be there for him. He never asked, he expected. And, of course, I was. I wanted to be around him whenever I could be.”
She looked at Jace, who nodded his head. “Go on.”
“He was the saddle bronc champ year before last.”
“That’s a con?”
“It’s not a pro or a con. It’s just something about him. Part of what makes him who he is. Cowboys like him, the good ones, are some of the best men on the planet. They’re honorable, and gracious. They know their lives ebb and flow by the luck of the draw of the horse, or the bull. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of skill necessary to get to their level. And with it, there’s an expectation, a code among them, that they’ll have humility. You know, ‘work hard, stay humble.’”
He nodded again.
“You’re one of them too. I don’t know why I’m even telling you this.”
“First, thank you. Second—keep talking about Billy.”
“Doesn’t stop any of you from being cocky, Billy included. I doubt he gave much thought about any of the women he had sex with.”
She rode for a while without saying anything.
“I didn’t believe him at first, about Roxanne. He told me he’d never had a relationship, or a girlfriend, and I didn’t believe him. When we went to Texas, when he found out Willow was his baby, I thought he lied to me.”
“What changed your mind?”
“He did. We argued about it, and I realized he was telling me the truth. I should have known he wouldn’t lie to me about something like that.”
“So we’re back to pros.”
“He’s a good man. I know it in my heart.”
“So where’s your damage comin’ from?”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s something that’s holding you back. Keeping you from taking the next step with Billy. Is it the baby, or is there
more to it?”
“That’s what he asks me. I don’t have an answer for you anymore than I do for him. Or myself.”
“Without the baby, would you be with him?”
“I don’t know.”
“So…”
“So? What? You’re obviously trying to get me to come to an epiphany, and I’m not seeing it.”
“There is something that’s holding you back from giving in…trusting him.”
They rode another few minutes in silence. Irene was thinking hard on what he said. It was so obvious to him, but he wasn’t a shrink. And what if he was wrong? He wanted to help her, but there wasn’t a lot he could do or say if she couldn’t see what was so obvious to him. He could lead her to water, he couldn’t make her drink it.
“What about this? Worst-case scenario…you and Billy. What would that look like?”
He hit on something with that question, because now she was crying.
“I can’t.”
“Sure you can. You’ve gone this far. What is it? What’s the worst thing you can imagine happening between you and Billy?”
She still didn’t answer him, but she knew what her answer was. The tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Say it out loud.”
“No.”
***
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Dottie said to her son.
“I’m not askin’ you Mama.”
“Billy!”
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be disrespectful to you, but there’s gotta come a day I figure out what I’m gonna do in my life without asking my mama’s opinion.”
He had a point. She doubted many men his age talked to their mama very often, let alone consult her on most of their life decisions.
“I’m just sayin’—”
“Don’t just say anything. I gotta do this. And if it blows up in my face, then I’ll know who to blame.”
Dottie picked up Willow from where she sat, happily playing while they talked. “Grandma’s gonna miss you baby girl.”
“It won’t be for that long.”
“I know, but I miss her when I’m away from her for an hour, so I’m gonna miss her more now.”
“I know what you mean. I miss her when she goes to sleep.”
And Then You Dance (Crested Butte Cowboys Series Book 2) Page 20
