by Andy Stanton
‘Well, up the hill I went to the Temple of Jupiter,’ continued Thiefius. ‘It was a sunny day and as I went I sang a song about foxes.’
‘Let us hear the song,’ thundered Caecilius. ‘It could be important.’
‘OK,’ said Thiefius, and he started to sing:
A fox there was, who liked to eat
The grapes upon the vine
He liked to eat
The grapes upon the vine
Another fox there was,
who did not like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
He did not like to eat
The grapes upon
the vine
CHORUS:
Some foxes like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
They like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
But
Some other foxes do
not like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
They do not like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
A third fox there was, who liked to eat
The grapes upon the vine
He liked to eat
The grapes upon the vine
In this respect he was quite similar to the first fox
Who liked to eat
The grapes upon the vine
He liked to eat
The grapes upon the vine
CHORUS:
Some foxes like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
They like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
But
Some other foxes do not like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
They do not like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
A fourth fox there was, who did not like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
He did not like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
In this respect he was not very similar to the
first or third foxes but he had more in common
with the second fox
Who did not like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
He did not like to eat
The grapes upon the vine
CHORUS:
Some foxes like to –
‘Enough,’ commanded Caecilius. ‘I was wrong, the song was not important at all. Please continue with your story.’
‘Fine,’ said Thiefius. ‘So anyway, I got to the top of the hill and finally I reached the Temple of Jupiter. Just outside the entrance I found a Julius Caesar pendant lying on the ground. I asked everyone I saw that day if they had dropped a Julius Caesar pendant but they said no. Eventually, unable to find the rightful owner despite my best efforts, I decided that it would not be wrong to claim the pendant for my own. So I swear this pendant around my neck is not yours, Caecilius, for this all happened many years ago, when I was a young man, and I have been wearing it ever since.’
‘OK,’ said Caecilius. ‘You are declared innocent of stealing the Julius Caesar pendant. But how do you account for the marriage ring, Thiefius?’
‘Well, there is a simple explanation behind that, my friend,’ exclaimed Thiefius. And with that he launched into his second story.
THIEFIUS’S
SECOND STORY:
THIEFIUS AND THE MARRIAGE RING
‘This also happened when I was a young man,’ began Thiefius, ‘and living not in Pompeii but in Rome. Oh, I know that these days I am but a withered old misery with my bones dancing all over the public baths, but back then I was so handsome that I could turn a girl’s heart to roses with one look. Also, I could turn roses into girls’ hearts with one look, it was horrible and that is why I was never allowed to enter the Imperial Rose Gardens.
‘Anyway, one day I was strolling through Rome turning girls’ hearts into roses and singing a song about foxes –’
‘Let us hear this song!’ commanded Caecilius. ‘It could be important.’
‘Very well,’ said Thiefius, and he began to sing:
A fox there was, who liked to eat
The grapes upon the vine
He liked to eat the grapes –
‘Enough,’ thundered Caecilius. ‘It was not important, it was merely the same song as before. Pray continue.’
‘So there I was,’ said Thiefius, ‘strolling through Rome. I strolled through South Rome, East Rome, West Rome –’
‘What about North Rome?’ shrieked Caecilius suspiciously. ‘EH?’
‘Yes, I was coming to that,’ said Thiefius, ‘but you interrupted me with your suspicious shriek. I did indeed stroll through North Rome, Caecilius.’
‘What about Boofler Rome?’ demanded Caecilius. ‘Did you stroll through Boofler Rome too?’
‘No,’ replied Thiefius calmly. ‘You see, there is a South Rome, an East Rome, a West Rome and a North Rome. But there is no such place as Boofler Rome, you just made that up in an attempt to catch me out and reveal my story as a lie.’
‘I did indeed,’ said Caecilius. ‘Well done on avoiding my trap, Thiefius, you may have this pelican’s skull as a prize.’
‘Thank you,’ said Thiefius, crunching into the rare delicacy. ‘So there I was, in Rome, remember. And it so happened that a young lady caught my eye. She was beautiful, the most beautiful lady I have ever seen. She had eyes the colour of almonds and lips the colour of strawberries and skin the colour of cream and hair the colour of honey.
‘I looked again and realised I had been mistaken. I hadn’t been gazing at a woman after all. I had been looking at a big plate of almonds and strawberries topped with cream and honey that a centurion was eating outside a restaurant. But as I continued walking, another young lady caught my eye. And this time it wasn’t just a tasty dessert – it was a real woman.’
‘What was her name?’ screeched Caecilius accusingly.
‘It was Melissa,’ said Thiefius. ‘And once I saw her I asked her to marry me immediately and she did. And that is why I have this marriage ring upon my withered hand.’
‘And where is Melissa now?’ rumbled Caecilius.
‘Sadly she is dead,’ said Thiefius. ‘Not a week after we were married, a volcano went off in her stomach and I was left with nothing but Mirror-Men, pencils with rubbers on the end and useless little scraps of her face.’
‘Thiefius, I am sorry for your loss,’ shouted Caecilius. ‘You are found innocent of stealing Atrium’s marriage ring. But what of this golden armband? Surely you must have taken it from Wallopus, this very day at the baths?’
‘You’d think so, wouldn’t you,’ said Thiefius. ‘But no, for listen to my next story.’
THIEFIUS’S THIRD STORY:
THIEFIUS AND THE GOLDEN ARM BAND
‘When I was a young man I was a restless individual,’ began Thiefius, ‘and so it was that I joined the crew of a great ship and set to sea. It was a jolly life, Caecilius, full of merriment and carousing. Many was the night that I and the rest of the crew would sit out on deck beneath the stars, and there we would trade jests and sing songs. In fact, it was while I was aboard this ship that I learnt a fine song, a fine song indeed. And it was a song which I would never forget for the rest of my life.’
‘Let us hear it,’ roared Caecilius, ‘for it could be impor– hold on a moment, was it the one about the foxes?’
‘Yes,’ said Thiefius.
‘OK, never mind about the song,’ bellowed Caecilius. ‘Please continue.’
‘Certainly,’ said Thiefius. ‘Now, some weeks into our voyage, Neptune himself became angry –’
‘Hold on,’ said Caecilius, ‘do you mean Neptune, the god of the sea, who in his fierce rages can cause the ocean to swell and thrash itself against the rocks, sinking ships and sending thousands of sailors to their deaths? Or do you mean Harry Neptune, who sells peanuts down at the marketplace?’
‘I mean Neptune, the god of the sea,’ said Thiefius. ‘I’ve never heard of Harry Neptune.’
&
nbsp; ‘OK, sorry,’ said Caecilius, ‘carry on.’
‘But seriously, I can’t get my head around what you just said,’ said Thiefius. ‘I mean really, why would this Harry Neptune guy even be in this story? Was he even a sailor before he became a peanut-seller?’
‘No, I don’t think so,’ said Caecilius. ‘Look, I said I was sorry, carry on.’
‘Very well,’ said Thiefius. ‘So there we were, some weeks into our voyage, when suddenly Neptune himself – Neptune the god of the sea, not Harry Neptune who sells peanuts down at the market,’ he added quickly, seeing that Caecilius had lost track again and was about to jump in with a question – ‘Neptune became angry and sent down a storm so fierce that it won that year’s Fiercest Storm of the Year award. It was terrifying. Terrifying! Terrifying!’
‘Was it terrifying?’ inquired Caecilius.
‘Yes,’ said Thiefius. ‘Now, during this storm, the ship was tossed and turned on the waves as if it were nothing more than a child’s plaything. A hundred sailors died aboard that vessel, which was strange as we’d only started out with seventy-five. In the end, the only survivors were me, Tertius the cook and a slave called Bottaranicusalussalussalussalussalussalusalussalussalussalussalussalus. The three of us were washed up on a craggy island and it was there that Bottaranicusalussalussalussalussalussalussalussalussalussalussalussalus began his endless questions.
‘“What is to become of us?” Bottaranicusalussalussalussalussalussalusssalussalussalussalussalussalus would ask me.
‘“I do not know, Bottaranicusalussalussalussalussalussalusssalussalussalussalussalussalus,” I would reply.
‘“But really, what is to become of us?” Bottaranicusalussalussalussalussalussalusssalussalussalussalussalussalus would ask me again.
‘“I am sorry, Bottaranicusalussalussalussalussalussalusssalussalussalussalussalussalus, I have just as little idea as you,” I would reply. “Now please, Bottaranicusalussalussalussalussalussalusssalussalussalussalussalussalus, stop with all these questions, they are driving me and Tertius mad.”
‘“OK,” said Bottaranicusalussalussalussalussalussalusssalussalussalussalussalussalus. And then, luckily, he fell into the sea and drowned.
‘Now it was just me and Tertius,’ continued Thiefius, ‘and I must admit, I was scared. There were plenty of herbs and berries on the island, but I could not tell which ones were good to eat and which ones were poisonous.’
‘How on earth did you survive?’ inquired Caecilius now.
‘Well, fortunately, Tertius had been the ship’s cook, as I said,’ replied Thiefius. ‘He knew all about which herbs and berries were safe to eat, and while he was explaining this, I murdered him and ate him. His body fed me well for days, long enough for another ship to come along and rescue me. And when it did so, the crew gave me a golden armband, which all sailors who have been shipwrecked and yet survived are given as a reward. And that is how I come to have a golden armband.’
‘I see,’ said Caecilius thoughtfully. ‘Well, Thiefius, you have explained yourself very well so far. But there is just one more question I have to put to you – where oh where did you get that two-hundred-foot statue of a swan, that seems incredibly similar to the one my son, Filius, brought to the baths this very day?’
‘Ah, that is the easiest of all to explain,’ said Thiefius. And he began to tell his final tale.
THIEFIUS’S FOURTH STORY:
THIEFIUS AND THE TWO-HUNDRED-FOOT STATUE OF A SWAN
‘To be honest, I did actually steal the two-hundred-foot statue of a swan from Filius,’ said Thiefius. ‘I’m sorry, I just really wanted it.’
CAECILIUS’S ASTONISHING VERDICT:
‘Hmm,’ said Caecilius when the gasps of all the other men in the public baths had finally died down, which didn’t take long at all because there were no gasps, they were all asleep, completely bored by the whole affair.
‘You have done a brave thing today, Thiefius,’ said Caecilius. ‘You have owned up to your crime. And seeing that you came by the other items honestly, I have decided to let you off with a warning this time. But be careful that you keep away from crime in the future, Thiefius, because the life of a criminal is unsuitable for a citizen of Pompeii, capiche?’
‘Capiche,’ agreed Thiefius.
So Caecilius awoke the Imperial Shoemakers by smashing them in the ribs with a giant golf club, and they unlocked the public baths at last. And everyone ran free and proclaimed, ‘Caecilius has judged Thiefius well and truly on this day!’
But Thiefius grinned to himself as he slunk off back to his nest. Because he had actually stolen all of those items. And this is why he was called ‘Thiefius’. Because he was a thief.
‘And I’ll be back to hound that poor fool Caecilius again in the future,’ he laughed as he went. ‘I am the cleverest thief who ever lived.’
THE END
FILIUS AND THE CURIOUS OBJECT
Now, one day Filius was playing outside in the street, trying to teach Barkus Wooferinicum to catch frogs, when he happened to spy a curious object lying in the gutter.
I shall not pick it up, he thought.
But then he thought, No, actually I will.
But then he thought, No, I can’t really be bothered picking it up. I’ll have to walk all the way over to it and it is too hot to do so.
But then he thought, But it’s only a few steps away.
But then he thought, Still, a few steps is a few steps. I honestly can’t be bothered.
But then he thought, What if I’m missing out? What if I pick it up and it’s something really good?
But then he thought, But what if it’s not something good? I’ll have wasted my time and energy.
But then he thought, But it might be worth it.
But then he thought, But it might not be worth it.
But then he thought, But it’s really no big deal, if it’s not worth it then who cares, at least I tried.
But then he thought, No, I am enjoying my day more than enough already, just me and Barkus Wooferinicum catching frogs on the street. I don’t need to know what that curious object is, for the moral of Ancient Pompeii is this: ‘Be content with what you have’.
But then he thought, But it could lead to an adventure. For the moral of Ancient Pompeii is this: ‘Seize every opportunity for adventure that comes your way’. That’s it, I shall pick it up after all.
And so it was that Filius eventually convinced himself to walk over and take a look at the curious object lying in the gutter. But just as he was about to do so, a new thought struck him.
Hang on, he thought. What if I go over there but when I bend down to see what it is my toga rides up and everyone sees my bottom?
But then he thought, What am I worried about? There’s no one around to see my bottom.
But then he thought, But what if there is someone around after all but they’re hiding nearby, hoping that I’ll bend over and my toga will ride up and my bottom will pop out and then they laugh at me?
But then he thought, It doesn’t matter even if there is someone watching, I could go over there and pick up the curious object very carefully, taking great caution all the while to make sure that my bottom stays decent.
But then he thought, I’m getting tired of thinking. It is growing dark and the Mirror-Men will soon be coming out to hunt. And besides, Barkus Wooferinicum will never learn to catch frogs, in fact some of the frogs have actually caught him.
So Filius spent half an hour or so battling the frogs, who had caught Barkus Wooferinicum in one of their most difficult traps, and eventually he was able to rescue the hound and go inside for supper, which that night was a large cake in the shape of Caecilius. Caecilius got a bit confused by the cake and at one point he started trying to eat himself, but Vesuvius sorted things out by writing ‘A CAKE’ on the cake using a pen
cil with a rubber on the end and ‘NOT A CAKE’ on Caecilius.
A couple of hours later a small girl called Lucia came along and noticed the curious object lying in the gutter. She went over and picked it up and it was the best thing she’d ever found in her life, it was a horse and it became her best friend and it could talk and predict the future and it could fly and it could time travel and it could go to other worlds and it could tell you funny stories and sing songs that were better than any songs ever written and it could play the drums and it could make money and presents come out of its eyes and it could solve all your problems and it could make sure you were never ever lonely ever again and it could make anyone you fancied fall in love with you and it could make you really happy all the time, every second you would be so happy if you picked up that horse, it was unbelievable.
THE END
THE CHALLENGE IN THE FORUM
Now, one lunchtime Caecilius was sitting eating a goat in the town square, or the forum as the Ancient Romans liked to call it. The day was fine and sunny, because Filius had rolled a I on his dice that morning, and a pleasant breeze rolled in from the coast, tickling Caecilius’s toes and making them laugh out loud in his sandals.
It seemed that all Pompeii was going about their business that lunchtime. Bellonicus the grape merchant was doing a roaring trade in grapes. Frinto, who sold lions for the gladiatorial games at the amphitheatre, was doing an even more roaring trade in lions. Two elderly senators called Mayus and Corbynicus stood arguing about politics while Barkus Wooferinicum watched with interest, wondering which of them to bite first. Orticus the swineherd was chasing an escaped piglet round and round in circles; Thiefius was thrusting handfuls of water from the fountain into his pockets when no one was looking; Tambourine the flower-girl was flirting with Onlyappearsinoneotherchapterus the candle-maker; Roscoe Paracetamol, the fiercest soldier in Pompeii, squinted suspiciously at a spiced apple in case it was up to no good; two old men played at cards in the shade of a pillar; a fat baby called Sugarpuffs who no one liked was kicking a milkmaid in the shin . . .
