by Tara West
Though instinct warned me who this man was, I didn’t want to believe it. But somehow I knew I was staring down the Devil himself, and Aedan and I were trapped in the thirteenth dimension of Hell.
“Who the hell are you?” Aedan demanded.
A slow, devious smile split the ram demon’s face in two, revealing two even rows of gleaming white teeth. He unfolded long, lean arms, holding out his hands in a form of mock surrender. “Who do you think I am?”
I backed up a step, tugging on my fiancé’s sleeve. “Aedan, let’s get out of here.”
The man took a step toward us, his eyes cool and calculating. “Relax. You’re in the right place.”
Aedan clenched his fists, puffing up his chest as if he had a chance of defeating the Devil. “You and I both know that’s not true.”
I tugged on Aedan’s sleeve again, my chest hurting so badly, I felt as if I were breathing through a straw, and not the fat kind found at a certain popular greasy, processed-food chain, but the skinny kind used to stir coffee and prevent brain freeze while slowly sipping frozen margaritas.
“If you wouldn’t mind lending us a can of bug spray,” I squeaked, flashing the Devil a frozen smile, “and directing us to the nearest elevator, we’ll happily be on our way.”
He folded his hands again, a look of mock contrition on his face. “Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t have any permanent elevators on sub-level thirteen.”
“S-sub-level thirteen?” Aedan sputtered.
“We definitely got off on the wrong floor,” I whispered as a chill swept up my spine. My fiancé and I were stuck on the bottom of Hell on our wedding day with no way out. Somehow I knew the Devil was behind it. Talk about a major asshole. This guy was the wedding crasher from Hell—literally.
“Of course you’re on the right floor.” The Devil laughed. “I’ve been planning this engagement party in your honor for years.”
I vehemently shook my head. Clearly he had the wrong couple. Maybe once he realized his mistake, he’d let us go. Yeah, and maybe psychedelic monkeys would start flying out of my butt. “Years? We’ve only been engaged a few months.”
He frowned. “Yes, but time passes much slower at the bottom of the pit. What may feel like a few hours on level one is a lifetime down here.” He flashed a slow smile. “I imagine it will be a very long time before your friends in the pyramid even realize you’re missing.”
My hand flew to my throat. “Oh God.”
He jutted a hoof toward us, the nails-on-chalkboard sound of it scraping against the tile forcing me to shield my ears.
“I’m sorry.” He chuckled. “He can’t hear you down here. Won’t you come enjoy the festivities?” He held out a hand, revealing perfectly manicured, long fingers.
Aedan and I both stepped back.
“We’d rather not,” Aedan spoke through a stiff jaw.
The Devil placed his hands in front of him, steepling his fingers in a prayer pose. “Oh, that’s a shame. I suppose I should acquaint you with my hotel rules now.” He let out a shrill whistle, the sound even more grating than his hooves striking the floor. “Hitler! Bring me the scroll!”
Hitler? So that monkey thing with the swastika really was the former Nazi dictator? I shouldn’t have been surprised he’d fallen to the bottom of the flaming pit of doom. The guy had certainly earned enough bad karma points when he’d terrorized Earth. But why was he a monkey?
Monkey Hitler appeared out of the darkness, dragging one leg behind him and scowling at Aedan, a scroll clutched in his mouth. He dropped the paper at the Devil’s feet, and it rolled open. I swallowed a lump of granite that had lodged itself in my throat. Somehow I got the feeling the rules in that scroll were far worse than terms in the two-year contract from my crappy phone carrier back on Earth, as in the penalty for breaking them would be more than just a $300 fine. More like we’d have to swim laps in a lake of fire or run naked across hot coals while my tenth-grade gym class laughed and pointed at my thigh fat.
The monkey limped up to me and pulled back his lips in something that was either a snarl or a smile, revealing several rows of yellow-and-brown, razor-sharp teeth. Guess they didn’t have whitening strips or braces in Hell. He pointed a finger up at me. Ewww. His nails were worse than his teeth, long and yellow, with brown crusty stuff underneath I assumed weren’t crumbs from double-fudge brownies.
“Pretty,” the monkey said with a creepy gleam in his big blue eyes.
Aedan stepped closer to me, wrapping an arm around my waist.
“Yes, Hitler.” The Devil flashed a wolfish grin, his gaze lingering on my tits. “She’s very pretty.”
The monkey’s moustache twitched, his nostrils flared, and he leaned into me, trying to sniff my crotch.
I cringed and turned into Aedan.
The monkey turned back to his master. “Smells good.”
The Devil stroked his goatee, a wicked gleam flashing in his eyes. “Her perfume is alluring.”
“Soft.” Monkey Hitler petted my leg, then snarled when Aedan pulled back his hand as if to strike him.
“Call off your freak,” Aedan growled, “before I pummel him.”
My breath caught in my throat when my fiancé and Satan engaged in a stare-down.
“It’s okay, Aedan,” I said soothingly, running a hand down his back.
The last thing I needed was for Aedan to be punished for losing his cool. I had no idea what Satan was capable of, but I was certain the Prince of Darkness had several forms of torture at his disposal, and not the fun kinky kind with whips and dildos, but the sucky kind with flaming whips and barbed dildos.
I hadn’t noticed the monkey sneak behind my leg until it was too late.
“Hitler, don’t you do it!” Satan picked the scroll up off the floor and held it out like a weapon. “It is rude to hump our guests before they’ve checked in.”
The monkey held up a crooked finger. “One hump.”
The Devil stuck a hoof out. “Nein. No hump.” He clutched the scroll like a baseball bat.
I hung close to Aedan while he tried in vain to kick the monkey again. The creature snarled and snapped his jowls, dodging Aedan’s foot. My hands flew to my mouth when the monkey pulled the drawstring on his pants, revealing a hairy little erection.
“Nein! Bad monkey. Bad!” the Devil screamed, whacking the beast upside the head and sending him careening across the floor.
The Devil straightened and looked at me with a placid smile, as if the horny, humping Nazi was a standard part of guest check-in, along with a complimentary robe and shampoo.
“I’m sorry about him,” Satan said in a cool, apathetic tone. “Hitler loves to hump all the pretty girls.” His forked tongue darted out and licked his lips while he stared down at my legs.
Sick fuck.
“Now where were we? Oh, yes. Our guest policies.” The Devil loudly cleared his throat and held up a silencing hand when Aedan tried to interrupt him. “Rule number one. All guests are expected to indulge in their every whim and fantasy.” His forked tongue darted out again as he eyed me with a sadistic smile. “No pleasure is too sordid, carnal, or disgusting.”
Aedan swore, but luckily the Devil ignored him.
“Rule number two. All guests must follow the whims of the host, no exceptions.” The Devil giggled like a schoolgirl, a really sick, sadistic schoolgirl. “Rule number three.” Shadows fell across his features as he lowered his voice several octaves. “Guests who displease the host will be cast into the lake of fire.”
That knot in my throat turned into a lump the size of Texas. Aedan stiffened beside me, and all I could think of was we had to get the fuck out of here.
“And the final rule,” the Devil said with a flippant air. “No checking out without the host’s permission.”
Aedan pulled back his shoulders, narrowing his eyes to slits. “And what if we refuse check-in?”
Satan flashed an amused smile. “If you refuse to check in, or if you attempt to escape, then kindly refer to rule
three. Hitler, show them the view outside.”
The monkey got up off the floor and hobbled to a heavy drape covering one of the walls. When he pulled it back, I was surprised to see blue skies, puffy white clouds, and white bunnies hopping through a field of flowers.
“That’s Hell?” I asked.
Well, in that case, throw me into the lake right now.
“Oh, mercy, no,” Satan snickered. “Turn off the screensaver.”
Monkey Hitler flipped a switch on the wall, and the bunnies disappeared. I opened my mouth to scream, but shock, or maybe fear, stole the breath from my lungs. Tall flames licked the windows while the damned pounded on the glass, screaming for help. Their charred skin was covered in bloody, boiling blisters. Their hollow, sagging faces appeared to have melted off their skulls. Their bodies were so malformed and burned, I couldn’t tell if they were male or female. One thing I knew for certain, sub-level thirteen made itchy, sweaty sub-level four seem like paradise. I didn’t know what sins those poor souls had committed back on Earth, but surely they’d paid their dues ten times over.
I turned away, unable to stare at the souls a moment longer. My heart pounded so loudly, it felt like a bass drum was banging in my ears.
Aedan squeezed me tighter to him, his body as stiff as granite. “Why have you brought us here?” he bellowed.
My fiancé’s tone made me nervous. All I could think about was rule number three and Aedan’s flesh melting off his bones.
The Devil rolled up his scroll, slipping it inside his coat pocket. His full lips thinned. “I’ve already told you why.”
“To throw us a party?” Aedan growled. “What kind of fools do you take us for?”
Tension wound tightly around my neck, bunching up my shoulders and cutting off my air as if I was caught in a hangman’s noose.
The Devil eyed Aedan as if he were no more significant than the mold growing beneath his hooves. “You were fool enough to think you could hold your wedding ceremony in Hell. Talk about a bad omen.” He threw up his hands and let out a huff of air. “Who does that anyway?” He paused, scowling. “Now look what you’ve done. You’ve put me in a bad mood. I’m going to have to think up a diversion.” He tapped his pointed chin, lost in thought. Then a slow, wicked smile spread across his face, and he eyed me with a sneer. “What shall I choose, pleasure or pain?”
“I-I don’t know,” I stammered, leaning against Aedan for support. My legs had suddenly gone as weak as two wet noodles.
“Very well,” the Devil answered with a disinterested slur. “Pain it is.”
His hooves made a screeching sound as he spun a half circle and snapped his fingers.
Much to my surprise, the darkened corridor lit up, revealing a ballroom with dozens of guests wearing festive turn-of-the-century costumes and masquerade masks. Many of them turned to us with wicked smiles, licking their lips as they waved us over.
Before I knew what was happening, the monkey was snapping at our heels, and Aedan and I lurched forward. Aedan held tightly to my hand as the monkey drove us across the slick tile floor inlaid with crisscrossed pentagrams. The guests parted like the Red Sea when we walked among them. That’s when I noticed these people weren’t people at all. They appeared to be like Monkey Hitler, half-human and half something else. Many had long tails, horns, and scales. Though most of their facial features were concealed by gilded masks, they shared a similar physical characteristic—the lust in their eyes, as if they fed off sins of the flesh.
Ewww. As we were pushed farther into the crowd, I slapped away hands that roamed my backside and pinched my ass. One fool was bold enough to grab my tit. My boob beneath my grandmother’s torpedo-tit, 1950s bra was the last thing he felt before Aedan knocked him out cold. Despite the lost looks in their eyes, and the lust that radiated off of their skin in sickening waves, I managed to cross to the other side of the ballroom without too many pinches.
The Devil bounded past us as Monkey Hitler led the way to an ornate gold throne on a raised platform overlooking the ballroom. Behind the throne hung a tapestry with another pentagram, this one featuring a sketch of a bloody ram’s head in the middle. The Devil fell into the chair, flinging one leg over an armrest as he stared at the crowd with disdain.
He pulled a long object from inside his coat, waving it at the crowd. The stick was a golden scepter with a bronze serpent coiled around the length, the cobra head with ruby eyes hovering at the top end to form a handle.
Everyone gasped and ducked as he waved the scepter at their heads. Aedan and I followed suit. Though I didn’t like being this guy’s puppet, I had no idea if magic venom shot out of that thing.
“You, satyr!”
The Devil pointed the end of the scepter at a hideous goat-man with two hooved legs, a bushy tail, tall, twitchy ears, and a wide, slitted nose. The rest of him appeared to be human. Wine spurted out of the beast’s mouth and down his bare torso before he ducked behind a woman who looked part feline.
Cat woman hissed and jumped back, exposing the cowering goat-man. Another creature with four horse legs kicked the satyr with a loud neigh, causing the weeping goat-man to tumble to the floor.
The Devil leaned back in his chair with a disinterested scowl. “Satyr, how many glasses of my wine have you drunk?”
He looked up at the Devil with wide, watery eyes before turning his gaze back to the floor. “I-I don’t know, my lord.”
“Don’t you know gluttony is a sin?” The Devil snickered.
Goat-man let out a strangled sob that sounded more like a bleat. “I-I’m sorry.”
The Devil arched a thin brow. “Why are you sorry?”
The goat-man’s ears twitched as he scratched the back of his head. “F-for sinning?”
The Devil’s eyes narrowed, his face turning as red as a ripe apple. “You should never apologize for indulging. Obviously you’ve forgotten my first rule. He nodded at a row of bull-like creatures standing along the outer perimeter of the room. “Guards, take him outside.”
I cringed when steam poured out of three of the guards’ nostrils as they pushed their way through the crowd. They had bull faces, muscular male bodies, and were each at least nine feet tall. They wore armored breastplates and kilts, and carried spears that looked like harpoons big enough to kill a whale.
“Damn Taurus,” Aedan grumbled beside me.
Crud. How were Aedan and I going to get past those giants? Not that it mattered much if we couldn’t find an elevator.
And what were monkey men, Tauruses, and satyrs doing in Hell’s hotel? It seemed like every man/animal combination was represented down here, yet Aedan and I still looked normal. What was that all about? Satan had neglected to tell us about his zoological costume party.
Goat-man sat up on his knees and struck a prayer pose. “No! My lord, I’m sorry,” he said between heart-wrenching bleats. “I love sinning, I swear. Please don’t send me back out there.”
The Devil rolled his eyes and shooed him away when a Taurus grabbed the satyr by the neck, dragging the beast behind him as if he were taking out the trash.
My hand instinctively flew to my own delicate neck as I thought of one of those creatures wrapping his meat hooks around me.
Note to self: don’t piss off Satan.
But how could I not piss off the prince of darkness when I had the sickening feeling he expected me to obey his sordid rules?
My heart leapt into my throat when the Taurus stopped at a set of metal doors that looked much like an elevator. Had the Devil been lying? Was there really an elevator down here? One of the beasts hit a button on the wall, and the doors slid open, revealing not an elevator platform but an endless sea of flame.
Holy shit on a stick. Those doors led to the outside of sub-level thirteen, and that inferno looked hotter than a herpes rash at a whorehouse. When a blast of hot air hit us like a tidal wave, some of the animal/human creatures swooned, falling to the floor. Sweat beaded on my neck and head, dripping between my breasts and making my th
ighs stick together.
Damn, it was hot!
Two Tauruses stood guard while the third one tossed the goat-man outside. The poor creature squealed like a stuck pig as he went careening into the fire. And just when I thought Hell couldn’t get any shittier, a giant dragon head made entirely of flame rose above the inferno and roared as it snapped its jowls shut over the creature, swallowing him whole.
Flames licked the sides of the doorway, spilling onto the hotel’s tile floors. A Taurus hit the button on the wall, but the doors wobbled as if blocked by the fire. A Taurus threw down his spear, his muscles straining as he tried to manually close the doors.
The dragon’s head appeared again, his long tongue grasping onto the Taurus’s ankle and dragging the bellowing beast outside. The remaining two Tauruses managed to shut the doors and latch it shut. They grabbed their spears, and the spear of their fallen comrade, and marched back to their positions near the wall.
Okay, so another note to self: don’t go outside, because the dragon isn’t interested in making friends.
At least I knew how to kill a Taurus. I briefly wondered if the beast tasted like steak, although I was certain the dragon wasn’t picky.
I gawked at Satan, who was smiling sadistically and rubbing his hands together. Guess he didn’t care about losing his guard. And I’d thought my Purgatory boss was an asshole.
“What was that thing?” Aedan asked.
I cringed at Aedan’s harsh tone. I certainly didn’t want my husband-to-be becoming a shish-kabob.
The Devil coolly eyed Aedan. “A flame eater. You’ve seen the soul-eating dragon, Dahaka, have you not?”
“Yes,” Aedan said with a growl as he stiffened beside me.
“My flame eaters are much the same,” the Devil said with an air of eerie perkiness, as if he was talking about the weather in Florida, “except instead of your soul being trapped in a void of emptiness and despair, you are trapped in a burning vortex of pain.”
