"I have no choice, El. I'm coming to see you for your birthday." I walked to the front door and heard the patters of three sets of footsteps behind me. "And they will behave." I swung the door open and narrowed my “Mommy gaze” on the three of them as they filed past me out the door. Alex ignored me, as his tween self did now, Ashton stopped to hug me (always the people pleaser), and Aeden lifted his arms for me to carry him (can anyone say baby?), as if the million bags I carried weren't signal enough that I couldn't carry his thirty-pound self.
"Okay, Audrey. Be safe and call me if you need anything."
I disconnected the phone and maneuvered it into my purse without dropping anything else. Success. The kids assumed their usual positions in the backseats and I shoved the rest of the contents of my house into the van. The hatch barely closed. I wiped the sweat off my face as I slid into the driver's seat. It was still so hot and humid, despite being past dinnertime. I hoped it was cooler up there. I loved living in Florida, except when it was summer. Between the humidity that killed any chance of having a good hair day and the blood-sucking mosquitos the size of small rodents, it was better to stay inside.
I started the engine and put the air on full blast. I turned to make sure the boys had their belts on and Aeden was in his booster seat before backing out of the driveway.
"To Ella's house!" Aeden shouted, his little fist pumping in the air. Ashton echoed it, and even Alex couldn't stop himself from hooting.
Despite the stress of taking them with me, I couldn't stop the grin that spread over my face. There was nothing better than time with my favorite friend in the universe.
I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel, enjoying the ‘90s song on the radio. They just didn’t make music like this anymore. I rolled my eyes at myself for how old I sounded, wondering when I became such an adult. Next thing I knew, I would complain about how “kids these days” were so terrible.
A glance in the rearview mirror told me the boys were occupied watching a movie. We were on the road about two hours and so far, so good. I didn't dare to say out loud that there hadn't been any fighting yet, and that no one begged to pee so far. I ignored the fact that I sucked down an energy drink when we left and my bladder protested, but I refused to break the peace by stopping. It would have to wait.
The Bluetooth in my car signaled my dear husband calling me. "Hey, Xander." He must've just gotten home from work. As a retail store manager, he worked crazy hours and days, but we were used to it. We’d never known any different.
"Hey, babe." Xander—or Alexander, the same name as our oldest—and I have been together for over twenty years. We were the high school sweethearts everyone said wouldn't make it. Except here we are, in our mid-thirties, married twelve years with three kids. I only want to kill him sometimes. "You guys doing okay?"
"Yes. We've been gone about two hours now. The boys are watching a movie. I'll stop in the next hour or so and let them stretch and change into pajamas before they hopefully sleep for the rest of the drive."
His rich, deep voice burst into laughter. "You're funny. You think they're going to fall asleep that easily?" Okay, so our bedtime routine at home was more like corralling monkeys into a cage. Someone always needed something, whether it be a drink of water, a snack, another hug, or to just tell us “one” thing. Ashton and Aeden shared a room, so usually, the shenanigans came from them. Xander and I often said putting these kids to bed was harder than running the half marathons he enjoyed. You wouldn't find me running unless it was away from an ax murderer. Even then, I would be murdered because I'd get a stitch in my side and have to stop.
I smirked, even though he couldn't see me, but more for the fact that I was so proud of myself. "Melatonin says they'll go to sleep."
This time, Xander's roar was even louder. "Drugging your kids, Aud? Going for Mom of the Year again?"
Okay, okay, so Melatonin wasn't technically drugging them. It was all natural! I knew it was safe because Alex had trouble sleeping sometimes ever since he was little, and their pediatrician told me about it.
"You know it. I'm always Mom of the Year and don't you forget it. Night night, my sweet little angels," I said in a singsong voice. "Have some chocolate milk laced with Melatonin and keep Mommy sane." I glanced in the backseat, but they were all still zoned into the movie, their headphones covering their ears.
Xander still chuckled. "You be safe, Aud. I don't like you driving all night like that."
"Eh," I said. "Nothing some energy drinks can't take care of."
"Yeah, that's what I figured," he said. "My whole life is in that car, you know. If you feel tired, just stop. It's not worth it." I loved that Xander was protective of us, and my heart fluttered in my chest a little at his words.
"It turns me on that when you act like that," I said just quiet enough for him to hear.
"Like what?" The telltale rasp in Xander's voice sent desire straight to my core. Twenty years or not, our sex life was hot. It might have something to do with my husband being hot, but whatever.
"All protective." I squirmed in my seat, for the first time wishing I wasn't hurtling down the interstate away from my hubby and instead was at home, where I could do what I wanted to do right now.
"Take me off Bluetooth." The command made me grip the steering wheel before I fumbled for the phone to turn it off the speakers. I knew what that meant. "Did you do it?"
"I-it's off," I said.
"You bet your ass I'm protective. But you know what I am right now?"
I knew. "Yes."
"I'm horny, and my wife isn't here. My beautiful, sexy vixen is driving far away from me for a week. What am I supposed to do?"
"What do you wish you were doing?" I was a glutton for punishment, I knew this. Three kids or not, the man turned me on like nobody's business. But he would entertain me for at least a few minutes of this drive. We weren't deprived—hell, he had me last night and this morning, but the deep timbre of his voice made me tingle in all the right places.
Xander breathed heavily into my ear. "Remember this morning?"
"I'm not that old." I laughed and switched the phone to my other ear, leaning it on my shoulder. "Of course I remember."
"You came twice," he said. My eyes wanted to flutter shut while remembering the way he played my body like a well-tuned instrument with that beautiful body of his, but that wouldn't be a good idea right now. "My cock was hard all day, thinking about being inside you. It took everything I had to concentrate on work. We're always hot, baby, but that was…"
"Mommy?" Aeden's voice came from the backseat. I shook my head, trying to erase the vision of Xander taking me from behind and focus on my little boy.
I lifted my gaze to the rearview mirror. His headphones were around his neck and his wide eyes met mine. "Yes, Aeden?"
"What's a cock?"
I dropped the phone and it clattered to the floorboard. I sucked in a breath so fast I choked on my saliva. "W-what?"
Surely he didn't hear Xander. My eyes flew to the screen of the van to see if the phone was still connected via Bluetooth, but my brain moved too fast to register anything.
"Daddy said his cock was hard." Aeden's eyes went back to the movie screen, but hearing his little voice say those words had my mouth dry and my heart pounding. "So what's a cock? Do I have one?"
Xander must've heard him too because I heard sputtering over the speakers in the van. "Audrey? Did the phone get back on Bluetooth?"
I fumbled for the phone on the floorboard, finally finding it. I heard his voice clear as day over the speakers again, but I never put it back on Bluetooth! "I don't know how that happened!"
"Hi, buddy!" Xander used his Daddy voice, the one that calmed nightmares and soothed boo-boos. And hopefully made a four-year-old forget he’d heard that word.
"Hi, Daddy! What's a cock?" No such luck.
Xander cleared his throat, and I prayed to all the gods in the universe that the other two didn't hear this conversation. They still had their headp
hones on for the movie and seemed blissfully unaware. Redirecting and eight- and ten-year-old would prove much harder.
"Oh, it's a chicken, buddy!"
Aeden furrowed his brow. "Why are you talking about a chicken, Daddy?"
"I saw one today! Isn’t that funny? It was by my car at work and it made me laugh really hard. Hey—how's the trip so far? Are you excited about getting to see Ella?" As Aeden shifted topics and forgot all about the flub, I breathed a sigh of relief. There was nothing that deflated your sex drive quicker than hearing your four-year-old say the word “cock.” I bet Xander would never say it again. That was a shame, but I wouldn't blame him.
We were parents of the year. If that wasn't a fail of epic proportions, I didn't know what was. It was almost as bad as the time Alex walked in in the middle of us “hugging naked like married people do” when he was five. That was when we got the lock fixed on our bedroom door.
I yawned, looking at the clock. Two in the morning. The boys were asleep, hunched over on their pillows. When we stopped for a bathroom break and to change into pajamas for them, I gave each of them a Melatonin crushed expertly in a cup of chocolate milk like the Mom of the Year that I was. It took Alex almost two hours after that to fall asleep, but eventually, the movies ceased, the bickering stopped, and silence ensued as all three slipped into dreamland. I talked to Xander then, when we laughed silently about our faux pas earlier in the night. I asked him if his cock shriveled up and went inside when he heard his child say that word, and he said he wouldn't have to worry about being horny while I was gone, or maybe ever again. I still didn't know how the Bluetooth failed me, but I would surely be more careful of what I said from now on. Or should I say, what Xander said. Tears slid down my face as my body shook with restrained laughter.
I lifted my third energy drink of the day and sipped it. I didn't think it did much for me at this point, but I had to do something to keep myself awake. If all went well, we had about three and a half hours left to go. If my bladder held out. Hence the reason for sipping the drink, despite needing the caffeine.
It had to wait. I couldn't leave three sleeping kids in the car in the middle of the night, and I sure as hell wasn't waking them all up so I could use the bathroom. I wished I could put on my audiobook, the dirty one I downloaded a few days ago, but now I was too freaked out about the kids hearing it. I switched my satellite radio to another station and watched the white lines on the road continue endlessly.
I saw flashing lights in the rearview mirror and moved over into the right lane. I looked down at my speed and noticed I was just a few miles per hour over the speed limit. But instead of going past me, the lights moved behind me and slowed down.
"Shit, fuck, hell," I whispered to myself. I slowed and started maneuvering the car off the road and onto the shoulder of the highway. My mind raced with what I could've possibly done, and what I would do if the boys woke up. I put the van in park and scrambled for the registration, hoping it was in there. The officer stayed behind me for so many minutes I thought I may scream from frustration. Then, my mind started going haywire. You hear all those stories about people pretending to be officers, and I started panicking. It was the middle of the night, who was I supposed to call? Xander was asleep, as was anyone else that I may think of to try to save me. Plus, I was in the middle of Georgia somewhere. My heart ricocheted against my chest as my mind went crazy, trying to figure out what I would do if this guy was some sort of whack job.
I saw a shadow walking toward the car and I cracked the window, my hand on the shifter to get away quickly if he tried to grab me. The officer shone a flashlight into the van, scanning the sleeping kids and resting on me. I tried to force a smile on my face despite feeling like I could vomit at any moment.
"License and registration," he said. Despite the darkness, I could tell he was a younger officer and seemed to be rather good looking. The stern expression on his face meant that trying to flirt my way out of whatever I did wouldn't work.
I handed the items to him with one hand and kept my other hand ready to shift the van back into gear. He seemed legit, but who really knew. "What did I do? I wasn't speeding." I hated that my voice shook, but shit. It was the middle of the night, I was jittery from energy drinks, he freaked me out, and I just wanted to get to Ella's.
"Your taillights are out," he answered. "I'll be right back. Sit tight."
He walked away and I slammed my head back against the headrest. I just had the van serviced last week in anticipation of this trip. Of course, this would happen now. Aeden stirred behind me and I froze. Please don't wake up. He was my lightest sleeper, and I didn't need him awake on top of this catastrophe. He would be a disaster by mid-day tomorrow if he woke up now, and I didn't want to have to deal with meltdowns.
He was gone about fifteen minutes, though it seemed like fifteen years. Cars flew by, rocking the van back and forth. I stared at the rearview mirror, willing him to come back and let me go.
Finally, I saw the door open back up and he strolled to my window. "Where are you headed?"
"To South Carolina," I said. He shone the light in the backseat again.
"Hi!" Aeden's little voice piped up, and I groaned inwardly. He must've seen movement, hence the light again. "Did my mommy speed? She does that sometimes."
I saw a crack in the façade when the police officer's lips twitched in a slight smile. "Be sure to get the taillights fixed when you get where you're going. Be careful out there." He handed me back my license and registration and I sighed in relief.
"Do you like catching bad guys?" Aeden loved law enforcement and dressed up like one whenever he could. "I want to be a policeman when I grow up."
The cop nodded at him. "Good for you, buddy. We always need good officers. Be a good boy for your mom." He shifted his gaze back to me and opened his mouth to speak when I heard Aeden again.
"My daddy saw a cock at his work today! Have you ever seen a cock at your job?"
I closed my eyes and pressed my lips together. This was it. This was how I would die because I willed a giant hole to open and suck me into it. After a moment, I opened my eyes back up when it was obvious a hole wasn't going to take me out of this OMG moment.
"Have a nice day, ma'am." He didn't even bother hiding his laughter as he turned and walked away, waving at Aeden as he passed his window.
Aeden turned and looked at the flashing lights behind us until they pulled away, not bothered at all about the officer not answering his question.
I pulled into Ella's driveway and cut the engine, taking a giant deep breath. Aeden fell asleep again moments after I started driving, after telling him to please stop talking about what Daddy saw at work. When it was late enough to call Xander, I would call and strangle him over the telephone line. Thank God it was summer and Aeden couldn't go to preschool and tell his teacher about cocks.
I hoped he forgot it long before kindergarten started in the fall.
Or before his brothers woke up.
Or before we went into Ella's house and I then had to have this conversation with her daughter, too.
I leaned my seat back and closed my eyes. Despite my full bladder, I didn't want to wake Ella or the boys yet. It was just before six in the morning, so I figured I would take a quick rest before invading her house so early on a Saturday.
A loud knock startled me awake and I squinted against the bright sun streaming through my window. Ella stood on the other side, looking way too perfect for early Saturday morning. I knew I looked like a train ran me over.
"Why are you sleeping in the driveway?" I glanced at the clock to see it said 7:30 am. Shit, I passed out.
I rolled down the window. "I fell asleep, I guess. I was just going to rest my eyes for a minute. That was an hour and a half ago."
"Well, come on! Get in here!" The boys stirred behind me, and within seconds, they were all clamoring for the door. They flew out and into Ella's arms before I could even turn off the engine and grab my purse.
T
hey all talked at once and she stopped to listen to each one.
"How was the trip?" She held Aeden in her arms as the other two got their bags from the car.
"Mommy got stopped by a police officer," Aeden answered.
Ella lifted her eyebrows in question.
"My stupid taillights are out. I need to get them fixed before we drive again."
"Garrett can fix them. The bonus to having a mechanic in the family." Garrett was her older brother who I crushed on before I met Xander.
"The police officer was really nice," Aeden said. "I woke up."
I ruffled his hair. "Yeah, my light sleeper here. The other two didn't move all night."
Alex and Ashton appeared next to us. "Can we go in? I'm starving."
“Yeah, and I have to piss!” Alex, always the crass one.
"Of course! Let's all go in and jump on Chloe's bed and wake her up!"
Aeden squirmed to get down, and he jumped up and down when his feet touched the ground. "Yeah! I can't wait to tell her what my daddy saw yesterday!"
Oh, for God's sake. Ella turned back to me. "What did Daddy see yesterday?"
"Don't ask him that," I said. "Aeden! Can you come here?"
He stopped and turned back. "Yes, Mommy?"
"I have a secret to tell you," I said. His blue eyes widened. He loved when I told him secrets. "What Daddy told you last night? That was a super top secret. It was just for Mommy to know, but he told you, too. So don't tell anyone else, okay?"
His little brain registered the words, but he furrowed his brow. "Why is that a secret?"
I shrugged. "Superheroes can't share secrets. Are you Daddy's superhero?"
Aeden nodded.
"Great. Then don't tell the other kids about what Daddy saw, okay?"
"Okay!" He took my hand and skipped into the house. "Alex! Ashton! Chloe! Aunt Ella! Uncle Max! Guess what? I have a secret I can't tell an-y-one!"
God help me. I needed a drink. I would never talk dirty with my husband again. Who knew how long it would take before Aeden would stop talking about it.
#MomFail: 24 Authors & 24 Mom-Coms Page 21
