‘Yes. She’s coming. Of course she’s coming.’
I raise my head and look straight at Joey. ‘Alone?’
He shakes his head, and I feel my stomach lurch. ‘Look, Neal, I think there’s something else you should know. And maybe I should have told you this sooner, but I didn’t know how you’d take it, so…’
I narrow my eyes and hold his gaze. ‘Told me what?’
‘Kira and Jon, they’re getting married, too.’
His words are like a hammer to my heart, slamming into me with a painful force that almost makes me want to cry out. ‘When?’ I whisper, still refusing to tear my eyes away from him.
‘Valentine’s Day, next year.’
‘Bit predictable, don’t you think?’
I’m only being like this because I’m trying to make it look as though I couldn’t care less, when I care way too much. But there’s no point in me wishing and hoping anymore, is there? Not now. She really has made her choice, and maybe this is the kick up the ass I need to make me finally realise that moving on is the only option I have left now.
‘If this is going to be uncomfortable for you, Neal…’
‘Would you prefer it if I stayed away, from the wedding? Would that be better for everyone?’
I’m acting like a kid who’s just thrown all their toys out of the pram now, I know that. And I’m trying to pull myself back from this childish behaviour, I really am, but it’s almost like I’m not in control anymore.
‘You’re my friend, Neal. You’re one of my closest friends. One of my best friends. So is Kira. I want both of you there.’
‘Has she said anything? About me? Has she ever even asked how I am?’
He shakes his head and again I feel my stomach lurch.
‘She’s doing OK, though? Right?’
‘She’s doing good, Neal. She’s just trying to get on with her life. Which is exactly what you should be doing, too. Helen’s good for you, and she adores you. And I know she’s got some kind of aversion to coming down here, but…’
‘Yeah, well, that’s becoming a problem, Joey.’
He folds his arms tighter against himself, and his expression changes. ‘You’re not thinking of…?’
‘Dumping her? No. I just wish she’d get over whatever it is she can’t get her head around.’
‘Not everyone’s mind is as open as yours, handsome.’
‘Kira’s was.’
I really hadn’t meant to say those words out loud, and I think Joey knows that.
‘Look, Joey, I… I’m not gonna do anything to ruin your wedding day, I promise you that. I’m fine, OK? I’ve accepted that she’s moved on, and I really am trying my best to do the same, so, seeing her again – I’m gonna be fine. Really.’
He smiles and gives my shoulder a quick squeeze as he walks back out from behind the bar. ‘I know you are. After all, it’s going to be one long party, my wedding day. There won’t be time to focus on anything other than enjoying yourself, I can guarantee that.’ He winks at me before he heads off back upstairs to Bam-Bams and I once more eye the bottle of bourbon that sits taunting me on the shelf opposite. But I don’t think I need it anymore. I’m OK. I’m good. She’s getting married, and I can deal with that. I knew she was probably never gonna come back to me, so this is no real surprise.
I’ve got my own life to get on with now.
I need to stop wasting time thinking about hers.
Three
Kira
I look up at the ceiling and smile to myself as I watch the shadows from the candles and the fairy lights cast strange shapes above me. I’ve never really been a fan of Christmas. Before I became Kira Blu it always signalled a time of regret and longing for something I didn’t have – Jon. Back then Christmas was a painful time, a time of being thrown together at parties and gatherings. A time of having to pretend we didn’t ache to be together; a time of just wanting to sneak off and have sex while everybody else got on with celebrating. But instead I had to hold Simon’s hand and pretend I was in love with a man who didn’t really care about me, while the man who loved me stood by and watched. And even when I’d finally put that monster behind me and left that life behind, Christmas was still a time I could have done without. I still had Jon in my life, albeit in a more twisted, messed-up way, yet I still couldn’t spend that time with him. But now – now we’ve just spent our second Christmas together, and as he lies over me, his fingers sliding between mine, his mouth gently brushing the underside of my chin as the fire roars in front of us, I feel like I’m coming to the end of some perfect TV movie where love’s finally conquered all and everyone’s got their happy-ever-after.
I close my eyes and arch my back as he makes love to me slowly, our bodies moving together in perfect rhythm and I almost forget that in just a few hour’s time we’ll be on our way to New York. I thought I’d feel more apprehensive, about going back there. But why should I? Nothing bad happened. I met a man who took me there, and he taught me how to love again. I met a man, and he was beautiful and kind and hot-as-hell, but he wasn’t my future. The man making love to me now is my future. And once we’ve celebrated Joey and Benni’s wedding day we’ll head back here, to our wonderful little community, and we’ll get on with our new life. Together.
I cry out quietly as he thrusts deeper into me, his fingers tightening around mine and I wrap my legs around him, pulling him in further until he comes in a barrage of low groans, his body jerking against mine as spasm after spasm hits him. And as he comes I nudge him over onto his back and straddle him, keeping him inside me as I grind down against him, taking my own pleasure now he’s taken his.
‘You’re killing me, kid, you know that?’
I lean over and smile as I kiss him gently, so lightly our lips barely touch. ‘It’s my job, to mess with your head, remember?’
He grins and grips my fingers tighter, and I feel the rush start to surge forward, flooding my body with a beautiful warmth until it crashes over me, and he holds me close as I shudder against him. ‘I love you so much, Kira,’ he murmurs into my hair, and I keep my eyes closed as I allow those white-hot tingles to subside; allow my breathing to return to normal. ‘So fucking much.’
He keeps hold of me as he pulls himself up to a sitting position, and I stay astride him, curling my legs around him, my arms loose around his neck. ‘Yeah. I kind of love you, too.’
He grins again, and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, and even after a year of this being our lives now – even after a year of waking up beside him every morning and falling asleep in his arms every night, I still struggle to believe that we don’t have to hide anymore. Nobody can hurt us here. Nobody can get to us or tell us that what we’re doing is wrong. Not anymore.
‘Listen, kid, when we get back from New York…’ He trails off and I frown.
‘When we get back from New York, what, Jon?’
His eyes meet mine and I try to ignore the small and unexpected shot of wariness I’m suddenly feeling. ‘Let’s try again, Kira. Let’s try for a baby.’
I hate that those words he’s just uttered make me feel like running away, but they do. And I know it’s always been on the cards, that this was probably always going to happen, once we were settled and knew where our life was finally going. But now that the reality of hearing the words said out loud is actually here, I don’t know what to feel anymore. I think a part of me just assumed that, once we started talking about this, everything would just fall into place. We have the perfect family home, a successful little business in a beautiful and friendly small town, and we’re about to get married. It stands to reason that the next chapter in our new life would involve children. But I’m really not sure how I feel about it now.
‘Kira?’
I stand up and grab my T-shirt from the couch, pulling it back on, along with my shorts. ‘We need to make sure we’re all packed. If I take the wrong shoes…’
I feel him gently grab my arm and swing me around to look at him. ‘I though
t this was what we both wanted, darlin’.’
‘Did I say I didn’t want it?’
‘Your reaction kind of lets me know you’re not completely on board with the idea. Or am I reading you wrong?’
‘I just don’t think now’s the time to talk about this, Jon.’
‘Because we’re going to New York? Or is my timing just spectacularly wrong?’
I can’t look away, and his eyes are asking me all sorts of questions, but I’m just not sure I can give him the kind of answer he might be looking for here. ‘This has got nothing to do with Neal.’
‘Hasn’t it?’
I shake my head, because I can’t believe he would even think that. My reluctance to try for another baby, that has nothing to do with the fact we’re heading back to New York for the first time in over a year. It has nothing to do with the very real possibility that I’ll come face-to-face with Neal Cannon for the first time since I walked out of his life over twelve months ago. It has nothing to do with any of that. ‘Is this how it’s going to be, Jon? When we’re over there? Are you going to spend every day thinking every decision I might or might not make has got something to do with him?’
‘I don’t know, babe. You tell me.’
I laugh, but it’s a very short, humourless laugh, because this is far from funny. ‘You think what you like, OK? I’m going to check everything’s all packed and ready to go.’
‘Kira! Look, I’m sorry, alright?’
He pulls me back into his arms and I reluctantly give in to his kiss. I don’t want the confrontation. I don’t want to argue. I don’t want to spoil anything because our new life has been damn near perfect so far. ‘We’ll talk about it, when we get back. OK?’
He smiles, and my world shifts back to normal again. ‘OK.’
‘Good.’ I stand up on tip-toes and kiss him quickly, running my fingers up over his strong forearms as his hands rest gently on my hips. ‘Come on. I want to stop by the bar before we go to the airport. Make sure Daisy’s alright with everything.’
‘Kira, hang on…’
I turn around and look at him. ‘Yeah?’
‘You’d tell me, wouldn’t you? If this is going to be a problem?’
I know what he means, and I know it’s something that’s been on both our minds ever since we knew we’d have to head back to Manhattan. He was just the first one brave enough to say it out loud.
‘It’s not going to be a problem, Jon. It really isn’t.’
It isn’t. I’m right.
Neal Cannon is a part of my messed-up history.
Jon Ryan is my normal, ordinary future.
There really is no problem.
Neal
‘The blue one looks better, don’t you think?’
I’m watching the traffic rush by below and it’s almost hypnotic. I’ve lived with this view for so many years now, and yet I think this is the first time I’ve really stopped and taken the time to look out at it properly; to take it all in.
‘Neal? Are you listening to me?’
‘Hmm? Sorry?’
I wasn’t listening to her, if I’m being honest. Like I said, I was looking outside at the cars and the people and the buildings opposite. Part of me had even forgotten she was there, but her voice has just pulled me right back to reality and I turn around to face her.
‘Did you say something?’
‘I’ve been talking to you for ages, where the hell have you been?’
I don’t answer that, because I think she was asking a purely rhetorical question. I don’t think she really wants to know where I’ve been, and even if she did I wouldn’t tell her the truth. Although, she isn’t stupid. I think she already knows, that my heart still isn’t one hundred per cent in this relationship. And the fact she allows it to carry on in such a one-sided fashion makes me slightly uncomfortable sometimes. Does she really want to be with me that much that she’d allow herself to be used in the way I’m using her? Because that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m using her. I don’t want to be alone, and she’s here, and I need someone, anyone, to stop me from dwelling on the one thing I can’t have.
‘The blue one looks better on me, doesn’t it?’
I look at her and I try to force a convincing smile as she twirls in front of me in a dress that actually makes her look stunning. Because she’s a beautiful woman, that isn’t the problem here. Helen is everything I ever wanted – smart, pretty, funny. She’s almost perfect. She just isn’t what I want anymore. ‘The blue one’s perfect. You look incredible.’
She returns my smile and it lights up her face and for a moment I actually start to believe that this could go somewhere. Me and her, maybe we really could make it work, if I just start trying hard enough.
She almost skips over to me, and she’s beaming as she slides her arms around my neck and kisses me, and I hold her close and kiss her back. She feels good, in my arms, and I need to remember that feeling. I need to get used to her, and start appreciating what we have before I ruin any chance I’ve still got of keeping her where I need her to be. I might not love her, yet, but if I just let myself – I might learn to love her, in time. If I just let myself…
‘I could try the green one on. If you like. But that would mean taking this one off.’
I smile again, because I know what she’s instigating. And a few seconds ago I might have made some excuse, found any reason I could to avoid what she wants me to do to her, but now – now I’m staying. Now I’m playing. ‘That could make us late, baby. And this is lunch with one of our biggest clients.’
She laughs quietly and presses herself closer against me, so close I feel her nipples hard against my chest, even through the suit jacket I’m wearing. ‘It doesn’t have to take long, does it?’ she breathes, and I feel my cock spring to life. What the hell! She’s here, she wants it, and I could do with the release.
‘Then take the dress off and get those legs wrapped around me because I have every intention of making you come like crazy before that taxi gets here.’
Suddenly I feel alive again. And I don’t know why, I have no idea what kind of metaphorical kick up the butt I’ve just given myself here, but, it’s working.
Helen loves me.
One day I’ll love her back, I know I will.
One day everything will be better.
One day everything will change. Again.
One day…
Kira
‘We’ve left the bar in these guys’ hands before, remember?’ Jon smiles as he watches me sift through the drinks orders. I just want to make sure everything’s sorted before we head for the airport.
‘Yes, I know, but I just want to be certain, OK? Sometimes, if it isn’t Kurt who handles the orders, things get mixed up. Kurt always gets everything just right.’
‘That’s because Kurt fancies the arse off you. Why do you think he always asks if you’re gonna be here before he sets off from the brewery? It’s so he can decide whether it’s worth him coming or not. He doesn’t bother if it’s me or Jed or even Daisy, and she’s not exactly harsh on the eye, is she?’
‘Shut up.’ I throw a towel at him and he catches it, throwing it straight back at me.
‘You haven’t noticed that, then? Because, you watch, when we get back let’s ask the guys how many times Kurt showed his face around here. I bet you anything he sends any one of the other drivers to do the deliveries while we’re away. Because you won’t be here.’
‘You’re getting on my nerves now.’
He flashes me a grin and launches himself over the bar, grabbing me by the waist and swinging me into his arms, kissing me hard. ‘Yeah. But you find that a turn-on, don’t you?’
‘Idiot.’
I smile as I push him away, and he winks at me before he disappears out back. I shake my head and laugh as I look out around me. The bar’s busy with the lunch time rush, and I recognise a lot of familiar faces. People who’ve become our friends. Yeah, I like it here, in this very different place, living my very
different life. I like it.
We serve food at JK’s, which is why we get a bit of a surge at this time of day, and we’ve already gained a bit of a reputation for our chicken cheese-melt sandwiches, thanks to Jed, our young and incredibly motivated chef. He also does a mean line in burgers, which seem to be flying out of the kitchen this afternoon, and I could easily eat one myself. Lots of morning sex has given me a bit of an appetite and I contemplate putting in an order for a cheeseburger and a side of chilli fries. I’ve got time, before we need to leave for the airport.
But then I look up, and I’m distracted from all thoughts of food as my eyes are suddenly drawn to the door; to someone who’s just walked into the bar, because his face is more than a little familiar. But I know he isn’t a local, and I think it’s the beard that’s thrown me, so I squint slightly to get a better look at him as he stops and glances around. And then his eyes meet mine, and as he starts to walk towards me I know exactly who he is. And I don’t know whether to feel relieved, angry, or scared…
Four
Neal
She knows how to work a room. Her smile has every man falling at her feet, and even the women seem to connect with her in a way they never really could with Kira. Helen’s comfortable in this world. Kira never really was. Women felt threatened by her, and men could never really concentrate when she was around them because the signals she sent off – she didn’t know she was doing it, but there was something about her that had the ability to knock people sideways. Including me. But she was never comfortable in this world. And this world is still somewhere I need to be. I need it to level things out. I need The Playroom and the escape that gives me, too, but this – this world is the necessary contrast I can’t do without now. I need both worlds, whereas once, one of them would have done.
‘Neal?’
Surrender (Forbidden #3) Page 2
