by Marilyn Lee
The blood rushed up to my face and I felt almost dizzy with a combination of jealousy and fury. Who the fuck was she with and why the fuck was she with another man who couldn't possibly want her as much as I did?
"Johnny? Is that her? Johnny?"
I felt a hand descend on my clenched fist, blinked, and realized both Shane and Brandon were staring at me. "What?"
"Is that Amber?" Shane asked, staring across the room to the table where she sat.
"Yes." I inhaled and exhaled slowly. Deep breathing did nothing to calm me down. I rose.
Shane grabbed my arm. "Johnny—"
I jerked away. I was in no mood to see reason.
Brandon rose and placed a hand on my shoulder. He didn't say anything. He just locked gazes with me. I could feel him trying to will me to be calm.
I hated when he did that. I shook his hand off but felt some of my anger dissipate. I looked at Shane. "I'm fine," I assured him.
"She's free to see whoever she likes."
The hell she was.
"Don't start any shit, Johnny."
I stalked across the room. I was about five feet away before she looked up and saw me. Her eyes widened and she cast a quick nervous look at the man seated across from her before looking at me again.
By that time I was at her table.
The man stared silently up at me. "Can I help you?" Although he spoke in a level voice, I could feel his hostility.
"No, you can't." I looked at her. "Can I have a word with you, Amber?"
"No, you can not." He rose and faced me with a warning look in his gaze.
She reached out to grip his hand. "Thomas, this is John Reddorn. John, this is my brother, Thomas Darkwater."
The relief I felt was off the charts. Embarrassment and wariness quickly followed. Clearly, she'd confided in her brother who would probably like to knock me on my ass.
"What do you want?" he asked.
I tried to get a grip on my emotions by reminding myself how I'd feel if I had a sister. "I'd like to talk to, Amber." I looked at her. "I know I screwed up and you probably never want to see me again, but please…"
She looked up at her brother, whose hand she still gripped. "Do you mind, Thomas?"
"Of course I do," he said, giving me a cold look. "But if you're sure you want to talk to him, I'll give you a few minutes."
Her response seemed a long time coming. "Don't go far," she said.
"I won't." He turned to me. "Amber is my little sister so you watch what you say to her and how you treat her or I'll plant my size thirteen foot so far up your ass, you'll need surgery to remove it."
I wanted to make it plain to him that he didn't scare me. However, I could see how distressed she was so I bit back the urge to invite him to give it his best shot. I inclined my head instead.
He stalked away and I sat down facing her. "Amber, honey…I'm sorry. I know that's inadequate, but there's not much else I can say. You were right and I was wrong."
"What do you want, John?"
What did I want? I'd just allowed myself to look like a punk in front of her brother to please her. Didn't that suggest anything to her? "A chance to make things right with you."
"I don't know that there's anything to make right, John. We both behaved irresponsibly. I could try to place all the blame on you but you didn't hold a gun to my head—especially the last time."
"Then let's start again."
"I am not going to have unprotected sex with you again. Period. And I'm not interested in being your friend. I want marriage and kids. You don't. So where does that leave us?"
I shook my head. "No more unprotected sex. I promise."
"I'm still not interested in being your easy lay and you're not interested in a real relationship leading to marriage. Although I admit I want to see you again, there's no point. I'd only be setting myself up for heartache."
I reached across the table to place my hand over hers. "I won't hurt you."
"We want different things from each other. Someone is bound to get hurt if we were foolish enough to pursue a relationship. That someone would probably be me. We had an exciting but insane weekend fling." She pulled her hand from mine. "As much as I hate to say it, we need to leave well enough alone."
I inhaled slowly. "I don't want to leave well enough alone. I know I've behaved like a hormonally challenged teenager, but that won't happen again. I'm not asking to sleep with you again. This time we'll do it the right way. Let's start over. I'll romance you."
"You've made it clear you have as many kids as you want and you're not interested in marriage. I appreciate your being honest about that. As much as I want to, I don't have time to waste on a purely physical relationship with you. I need to concentrate my attention on a man who wants the same things I do."
"I suppose you mean Dr. Dearest."
She shook her head. "No. I'm no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with him."
I sat forward. "Why not? Did he say something to upset you? If he did, I'll—"
"He didn't."
"Then what happened?"
"You happened, John."
I frowned. "Then how can you just want to walk away?"
"I don’t want to walk away but I have to."
"No you don't. Give me a chance to prove that I won't hurt you."
"What do you want from me besides sex?"
"That's not all I want!"
"Then what else do you want?"
I sank back against the seat, shaking my head. "I don’t know anymore, but why can't we discover that together? At the risk of sounding conceited, if I only wanted sex, I can get that from most women. I want more with you. Granted, I'm not sure yet how much more I want, but let's figure it out together."
She shook her head.
I placed my hand over hers. "Please, Amber. Don't make me beg. You must know it's not just sex between us."
"I want to get married."
I nodded. "I know."
"So why should I waste my time with you?"
I swallowed and shook my head. "I don’t know. I just know I want…I need to see you. I need to see you. What else can I say?"
She blinked and I saw her eyes glistening with tears. "When you can tell me you're at least open to the possibility of marriage and more kids, then we can talk. But for now I need you to leave me alone."
"Amber—"
"No." She pulled her hand from mine and looked around. "Thomas?"
He appeared at my side. "I think that's your cue to leave."
I felt a knot of frustrated rage in my gut. I stood up and turned to face him. "Fuck the hell off!" I said and stormed away. I walked past the table I'd been sharing with Shane and Brandon and out of the restaurant.
Once in the parking lot I remembered that Shane had driven so I could have the freedom to have a few drinks without worrying about driving home. I leaned against his car and closed my eyes. Minutes later, I felt a hand on my shoulder.
Even before I opened my eyes, I knew it was Brandon and not Shane.
"Do you want to talk?" he asked.
I shook my head. "No."
"Take it from me, John, holding it in isn't going to help. Been there. Done that and have the deep emotional scars to prove it."
"I know."
"While Shane is taking care of the bill why don’t you join me in my SUV?"
I didn’t really want to hear a damn thing he had to say but knew talking would help. His vehicle was parked several spots away. He unlocked the doors and we got in. "So?"
I sighed. "She doesn't want to see me again unless I'm willing to consider marriage."
"Are you?"
"No."
"You want to be free to see her and other women?"
"No. I don't want to see other women."
"Then what's the problem, John?"
"I don't want to get married again is the problem."
"Why not?"
"Why not?"
"Yes. Why not if you don't want to see other w
omen? Judging by your reaction to seeing her with another man—"
"He's not another man. He's her brother."
"But you didn't know that when you stormed across the room to confront them."
He made me sound like a lovesick teenager. "I didn't storm across the room nor did I confront them."
"Of course you did and you wouldn't have done that if you didn't care about her."
"If you're implying I'm in love with her—"
"Are you?"
"No, Brandon, I am not in love with her."
"Then what's the problem? If she wants more than you're willing to give and you're not in love with her, move on. But before you do, make sure you're being honest with yourself. Because sometimes you don't get a chance to atone for your bonehead mistakes."
Hearing the strain in his voice, I sighed. "What happened to her wasn't your fault, Brandon," I said of the woman he'd lost to a burglary that had turned into murder.
"I didn't kill her, but if I hadn't refused to marry her when she found out she was pregnant, she wouldn't have returned to her apartment. If not for our argument, she would have been with me instead of there when the burglar broke in."
"It's still not your fault."
"I keep telling myself that but I'm not sure I believe it. All Rissa wanted was to be married before she got pregnant. I wanted unprotected sex on my terms. I got what I wanted but lost the only woman I've ever loved—my sheenea."
"Brandon—"
He shook his head. "I'm all right. I just want you to think about what you're feeling for her and what you're prepared to do about it."
"I've only known her since Friday for God's sake."
"Sometimes we know right away."
Much like I'd known within minutes of meeting Amber that I wanted more than friendship from her. "Meaning what?"
"Meaning you know what you're feeling. You know if it's special and different from what you've felt with other women. If it is, don't risk allowing some other man to come along and give her what she wants and needs. If you love her, admit it to yourself if not to anyone else. And do something about it."
I want her, but I do not love her! Even to my own heart the denial lacked conviction.
* * *
Amber
"He's gone again, Thomas," I whispered after John had walked out on me for the second time.
Darkwater sat opposite me at the table and took my hand in his. "He'll be back."
I shook my head fighting back tears.
"He'll be back," he repeated firmly. "And when he is, stand firm, Am. Don't cave and you'll get what you want from him. Though I can't see what the hell you see in him."
I shrugged. "I think I might be…in love with him."
He sighed. "Oh shit, Am! He's not worthy of you."
"I want him anyway."
"I saw the way he looked at you. He wants you too."
"That's just…sex."
"No it isn't. I'm not saying he feels what you feel, but it wasn't just sex that brought him storming over here. And it won't be just sex that brings him back. If you think he's worth it, just hang in there. He'll be back with his tail between his legs."
"I don't think—"
"Trust me, Am. I know what I'm talking about. He might not come back within the next few days but he will be back. Just decide how much you really want his dumbass and how much more shit you're willing to take from him."
Chapter Nine
John
After a practically sleepless Sunday night, I woke on Monday morning feeling emotionally drained but determined to put the weekend's madness behind me. The thought of forgetting Amber stung, but there was no way I was going to allow her to dictate that I had to be willing to discuss marriage just to see her.
The workday seemed endless but I made it through without surrendering to the urge to call her. Both Shane and Brandon called to see if I wanted company for the night, but I declined. I wasn't in the mood for male company. Or female company. The rest of the workweek seemed endless. By the time Friday rolled around, I admitted that I wanted to see Amber more than ever. Instead of calling her, I called Maureen, a pretty brunette I'd had a casual sexual relationship with for years.
She agreed to spend the weekend with me. I made last minute reservations and we drove down to Atlantic City to stay at one of the casino hotels. I was a little anxious in case there was a repeat of my inability to perform with Janet. When she showed an inclination to gamble the night away instead of hitting the sack with me, I didn't protest.
We spent hours on the casino floor. As I sat watching her play the slot machines, I thought of Amber. By the time we went up to our room, it was four a.m. and we tumbled into bed with no thought of sex. However, I woke just after nine the next morning to find her lying between my legs sucking my cock.
I wasn't really in the mood but once she got me hard, I slipped on a condom and fucked her. She seemed to enjoy it as much as she ever had. While I came, I felt none of the emotional satisfaction I'd experienced with Amber. And I had absolutely no desire to fuck her again. However, I did as often as she wanted for the next two days.
I was relieved to take her home early Monday morning before changing and then heading to work—where I spent an unproductive day thinking of Amber. Back home that night, I dialed her number twice but ended each call before her phone rang.
Lying sleepless in bed later that night, I wondered how many women I would have to fuck before I managed to get over her. When I finally fell asleep, I dreamed about her walking down a church aisle in a white gown while Dr. Don't Know Shit waited to marry her. I woke up sweating with my heart pounding.
I glanced at my cellphone screen. 3:20 am. I got up and took a quick shower. I spent the remainder of the night in the guestroom. It seemed I'd just closed my eyes when my alarm woke me.
I felt tired, restless, and I missed her like hell. As I stood under the cool water of the shower, I knew something was going to have to give. But it won't be you. You are not going to allow her to dictate to you. If you hold out long enough, she'll cave and accept you on your terms.
* * *
Amber
Five long, lonely weeks after I'd last seen John at the restaurant, I knew Darkwater had been wrong. He was over me. Now that I was no longer interested in him, Deandre was in full-pursuit mode. At work he was always finding excuses to follow me into offices and constantly asking me out.
Finally, in a desperate effort to forget John, I agreed to meet him in Atlantic City for dinner and to see one of my favorite singers on Saturday night. Darkwater booked a luxury room for Sherlyn and me and we drove down together Friday afternoon for the weekend.
I hadn't been down to A.C. in over two years so we took a nap after we arrived, then showered and changed and went to get reacquainted with A.C. nightlife.
We strolled along the boardwalk, ate dinner at one of the casino restaurants before spending an hour or so at one of the casino nightclubs. Darkwater had given me two thousand dollars to gamble for the weekend. I split it with Sherlyn and we went our separate ways to play our favorite slots.
Just before twelve o'clock I'd lost the last of the $300 I'd allotted myself for the night to play the slot machines. I left the casino floor and headed for the elevators. When the doors opened, I found myself facing John. He wasn't alone. A beautiful blonde with a skintight dress that just barely covered her small ass clung to his arm.
"Cher!"
Although the endearment sent a thrill through me, I stepped around him and into the elevator without responding. It would take more than that to undo the ache I felt at seeing him with another woman.
He pulled free from the blonde and stepped back into the elevator just before the doors whispered shut in her surprised face leaving me alone with him.
Without speaking, I put my card in the elevator card reader and turned away from him.
"She's not here with me, Amber," he said. "We—"
"You don't owe me any explanation," I said withou
t looking at him. "You're free to see whoever you like."
"I'm not seeing her. I'm here with my brother. She's his friend. Not mine."
Then why was she clinging to your arm? I shrugged. "It doesn't matter."
"Are you here alone?"
"No," I said and quickly stepped off the elevator when the doors opened on my floor.
He followed me off.
I turned to face him. "Is this your floor or are you following me?"
He stared at me with a cool look in his dark eyes. "I'm following you. What do you plan to do about it? Call your brother?"
I turned and headed for the elevator again.
He caught my arm and turned me to face him. "I'm sorry," he said. "That was uncalled for."
I pulled away from him. "Go back to your girlfriend and leave me alone."
"I told you she's not my girlfriend. She's with my brother. I was just escorting her down to the casino floor."
"Fine. She's not with you. Neither am I. Now leave me alone."
"Leave you alone?" He shook his head and reached out to grip my hand as I tried to turn away. "Been there. Done that. Didn't like it. Don't like it. Don't want to even try to do it anymore."
I stared at him, struggling to keep tears at bay. I'd shed far more tears over him than he'd ever been worth. "What do you want?"
"What I have almost from the moment we met-you," he said and pulled me into his arms.
Even though every fiber of my being pulsed with joy, I balled my hands into fists and pressed them against his shoulders. "No."
"I want you. I need you." He bent his head, brushing his lips against my face. "I tried other women, but you're still the one I want, Amber."
He'd just admitted that he'd been with other women. With his arms around me and his lips brushing almost franticly against my face, I didn't care. I was back where I'd wanted to be almost from the moment I saw him—locked in his embrace.
He must have felt my surrender because he exhaled and kissed my cheek. "Who are you here with?"
"A friend," I said, pulling out of his embrace.
