by B. Wulf
“Oh, I like your necklace.”
“Mariana gave it to me.”
“It suits you. It’s a bit feminine though.”
She nudged me playfully.
“So what are you going to do now?”
We were staring at the clouds, watching them drift lazily across the sky.
“I dunno,” I said, “I guess I have to go back to CANA and get my things. We’ll have to go and set a date for the wedding.”
Kate laughed.
“It’s all happening.”
“And I had better start searching for jobs. Do you think Sasha would give me a reference?”
“Yeah he probably still would. He’s like that. Never holds a grudge.”
“Was it hard telling him that you were leaving?” I asked.
“Yeah a little. But it wasn’t too bad.”
“Does he know that you’re pregnant?”
“Nope,” said Kate cheerfully, “Nobody knows except for my grandparents and now you.”
“But he’s family,” I said, “Why didn’t you tell him?”
“Because he didn’t need to know. And if he found out that you were the father he would have forced you to leave the internship. I didn’t want that. I wanted it to be your choice.”
“Well I choose you, not some stupid internship. You should have just told me straight away.”
“I’m sorry, I just didn’t know what to do,” said Kate as she rested her head on my chest.
“And I can’t believe I forgot to ask, when are you due?”
“Just after Christmas.”
“Perfect,” I said, “That will be a nice present.”
“It’s a girl by the way.”
“Even better,” I said kissing her on the cheek. “So when are you going to tell everyone?”
She shook her head. “I’m not going to tell anyone, they can just see for themselves at the wedding. I’ll take care of all the invitations. You had better get in touch with your family Fletch.”
***
“I’ll see you in two weeks,” I said, “And I’ll call you every night.”
I was going back to Washington to tell Sasha that I was leaving and to finish my lab work. I needed the paycheck.
I drew Kate close and kissed her.
“I love you Kate.”
Kate took my hand and placed it on her stomach.
“Be safe,” she said softly, “You don’t know how much I will miss you.”
“Well, I will miss you more,” I replied.
Even though she was smiling she looked so sad. “Just come home as soon as you can Fletch.”
“I will. I promise.”
***
When I arrived back in Washington, I didn’t go straight back to CANA. First I went to the jewelers and bought a big fat diamond ring on credit. I definitely needed that paycheck. I still hadn’t even told my parents that I was getting married. They might be able to help me out. Doubt it though. The business wasn’t going too well the last time I heard.
After getting the ring I snuck back into CANA and went to sleep. I slept all afternoon and all night. It was the most contented sleep I had had that year.
***
It took me almost a week before I summoned up the courage to knock on Sasha’s door. His receptionist was away.
“Come in, come in,” said a thin voice.
I shouldered open the doors to see an emaciated Sasha, dwarfed by his desk chair and flanked by the silent giant, Frederick.
“Fletcher,” he said with a grin. He tried to rise, but fell back to his seat. “It’s good to see you boy. Take a seat.”
He was on a breather, the slim tubes running up his neck and into his nose. Before sitting down I walked tentatively up to Frederick and thrust out my hand.
“Thank you again,” I said, “For saving my life.”
He stayed silent and didn’t take my hand. I shrugged and sat down.
“I apologize for Frederick,” said Sasha, “He is a man of few words.”
Man?
“So what brings you to my office?”
I tried unsuccessfully to get comfortable.
“I wanted to talk to you about the internship.”
“You wish to leave?”
“Yes.”
“For what reason?”
“Personal reasons.”
Sasha frowned.
“I had hopes for you Fletcher; first Kate and now you, both just leaving without explanation. I had hopes.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I guess you have already realized what the true purpose of this internship was.”
I nodded.
“And you don’t want any part of it?”
I nodded again.
“I think I would have done it. Perhaps. But in my current situation I just can’t.”
Sasha sighed.
“Then it must be done. Frederick, take him to operating room. If he will not do it by choice then he will do it by compulsion.”
My neck tingled. I stood and started looking for exits.
“It was a joke,” said Sasha. He laughed and then frowned. “You must think very poorly of me. I may be old but I can still attempt humor. Please, you are free to go. If you ever wish to return to CANA there will be a place for you. I am sorry that it did not work out.”
I was still standing. I couldn’t even look Sasha in the eyes.
“I’m sorry Doctor Neumann,” I said, “Thank you for everything.”
“It’s fine boy. I wish you success in whatever path you take. Just promise me one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Care.”
“About?”
“Just care. That is all.”
I paused before leaving. “I have a question.”
“Fire away,” said Sasha, folding his hands on his lap.
They were wrapped in a tartan blanket.
“Why don’t you just ask for volunteers? Hundreds of people would be willing to become like… Frederick.”
Sasha looked at Frederick.
“We don’t want fanatics Fletcher. I never trust passionate men. Anyone willing to volunteer outright is not suitable. They must fully understand what they are getting themselves into.”
“So why was I chosen then?” I asked, “Cole said that hundreds of people aced that test.”
Sasha bit his lip and pointed to my cane.
“You understand limitations,” he said.
So I was chosen because I was pathetic enough. Yay for limpy old staggers.
“And you chose Kate because she was family?”
“I chose Kate because I know her. She has a good heart.”
“And Stuart?”
“I don’t think I am at liberty to discuss Stuart.”
I nodded and took a deep breath. “Sasha, I have something to tell you. Kate and I are getting…”
My phone started to ring. It was Kate.
“I gotta take this sorry.”
Sasha waved his hand, “Go ahead.”
I left Sasha’s office.
“Kate,” I said, “It’s good to hear…”
“This is Margaret, Fletcher, Kate’s Gran. Something’s happened to Kate.”
I suddenly felt nauseous.
“I’m coming right away.”
Chapter 12
White and blue, that was the hospital in two words. I limped down a hall, following the lines, looking for ward seven. I found myself not wanting to find it. Stopping at a vending machine, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet. I then stopped at a water cooler and got a drink. I stood still while finishing my cup and then placed it gently in the garbage can. I started walking again. Everyone looked so purposeful.
Finally I found the ward, paused, took a step forward, paused, and then entered.
Five people were clustered around a bed. Two doctors, a nurse and Kate’s grandparents turned to me as I entered.
“I'm Roy, Kate’s Grandfather. We finally meet.”
It was no
t quite how I'd imagined meeting her Grandfather. Like most people in Washington he smiled with his mouth but not his eyes. He wore dress pants and a shirt with the top buttons undone; a tie was dangling from his pocket. He was wearing socks with no shoes. Why wasn’t he wearing shoes?
“Fletcher,” I said, “Pleased to meet you.”
We shook hands. He had a soft handshake. Clammy.
“Something’s happened to Kate...”
Roy took a step back, opening the way to a hospital bed.
Thanks for that, Sherlock.
Flowers, a toy giraffe, cards with rainbows, and in the middle of it all lay Kate. There were so many tubes and cables. Her chest rose and fell softly. Lethargically. She wasn't smiling. Her hands lay at her side, palms pleading with the roof. Margaret was sobbing quietly.
“She passed away this morning,” Roy said softly.
I looked at him. I think I had already ceased to show any emotional responses on my facial features. I'd learnt to do that when I was little. Helped me cope. Zone out... Distance is good.
“She's breathing,” I said flatly, “The things beeping.”
A doctor stepped forward and Roy nodded to him.
“My name is Doctor Porter.” He swallowed and started clicking a pen. “Kate has been diagnosed with malignant astrocytic glioma; a tumor, which is highly aggressive. She was...”
“Can you just speak English,” I said.
“I’m sorry. At three in the morning she was admitted into the hospital, suffering from severe migraines. There must have been complications with the blood-brain barrier. Perhaps we misdiagnosed when she was admitted, but it turned out to be a grade four glioblastoma. She suffered a brain hemorrhage this morning and was declared brain dead. She is now on life support.”
“Why?” I asked.
I was in a dream. Everything was vague and my vision was blurry. Roy rose from his chair and stood next to me.
“The baby, it’s still alive.”
I nodded slowly.
“We were going to get married,” I said, “Get a house together.”
I blinked hard. This was a joke. I turned around and walked... limped from the room. They didn't come after me. I had to get away. Not to think. Just to get away. She was still breathing.
***
Roy found me on a seat just down the hall. He didn't say a word but sat down next to me. We must have sat there in silence for at least ten minutes before he spoke.
“She used to try and play rugby with her cousins when she was little. They were twice her size but she'd still try.”
I looked up to see he was looking down. His hands were white from grasping the arms of his seat.
“One day Robert, her eldest cousin, tackled her and broke her collarbone. I remember driving her to accident and emergency, tears streaming down her six year old face. After she had got a sling she stopped crying and told me. 'I only cried because he was offside when he tackled me.'”
He wouldn't let go of the arms of the chair. “That's always been Kate, a strong spirit and a good heart.
I still couldn't speak. Roy released his grip on the chair, straightened up and put his hand on my shoulder.
“You’re a good boy Fletcher,” he said, “I’ve never seen Kate as happy as these past few weeks. She loved you.”
I looked at him, blinked hard, and then buried my head in my hands.
***
I looked up to notice Doctor Porter standing over me. Roy was gone. I don’t know how long the Doctor had been standing there.
“We need you to come sign some forms if you're ready.”
I followed him down the hall, behind a counter and into a room. He sat me down beside a desk and gave me a pen.
“Here’s how it is.”
He crinkled his nose and sneezed.
“Beg your pardon. We would have delivered the baby by a cesarean section but its lungs aren't fully developed. We need to keep the baby waiting for another few days while the steroids do their job.”
I wasn't really listening.
“We were going to get a dog.”
I said it dumbly, like a preschooler.
“I should have stayed with her instead of going back to Washington. I should have stayed with her.”
“May I continue?”
“Shoot.”
“As you are the sole remaining parent, the decision is all yours.”
“What decision?”
“You may simply remove Kate from life support...”
“And forget this ever happened?”
I was scared that if I saw a mirror I might have seen excitement in my eyes at that moment.
“And subsequently terminating the pregnancy, yes. Or we proceed with the treatment…”
“Yeah I get it.”
Doctor Porter handed me two forms.
“Do you want some privacy?”
“No,” I replied, “I'm done.”
As I scribbled my signature on the dotted line I couldn't help thinking that I couldn’t picture her face, just her eyes.
I cried again, wrote a note for the doctor to give to Roy, and then left.
***
“What have you done?” said Roy, running to catch up with me. My taxi was waiting.
“I’m sorry Roy,” I replied, “But I cannot be a father. Please, never try to contact me.”
“Are you sure you can do this to your own child?” said Roy.
I didn’t reply but just took one last look at him and entered the taxi. He still wasn’t wearing any shoes. I told the taxi driver to take me to CANA. It was the only place I felt I could go. As I sat in the back, staring out the window a single thought permeated my mind.
We were both interns at CANA, the most advanced center for neurology and cognitive research, and then this happened; a sudden and unexplained brain hemorrhage.
What are the odds?
***
“You killed her.”
I stood in Sasha’s office. He was going over some paperwork with Cole when I barged in.
“Perhaps I should leave,” said Cole.
“What are you talking about?” said Sasha, from his chair.
His breathing was loud, while Frederick stood silently at his side. The door shut behind Cole with a bang.
“You killed Kate,” I said, “You must have guessed I was about to leave so you…”
The cadence of my voice was flat and emotionless.
“Kate is dead?” gasped Sasha, “But she is with Roy and Margaret.”
He got to his feet, but was forced back down by a fit of coughing.
“You killed her,” I said again.
“How dare you,” said Sasha, between breathes. “How dare you tell me that my niece is dead and then say that I…”
He bent over double as another wave of coughing rippled through his body. He shivered. It was an old man shiver, which traversed the entirety of his body.
“How dare you,” he said again, “Get out.”
He pointed his finger to the door without looking up. I didn’t move.
“Get out!” he screamed.
I had never seen him raise his voice before. I left without another word.
***
That night I sent the ring to Mister and Missus Sanders and packed up everything I owned into boxes. I then went out and got drunk.
***
The next day I went to Sasha’s office again, but his receptionist told me he was too ill to see me.
“Can you ring him for me?” I asked.
“I can try.”
The receptionist dialed and then said a few hushed words on the phone before handing it over.
“Hello.”
“It’s me,” I said, “Fletcher.”
All I could hear was his ragged breathing.
“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”
“It is okay boy. Grief does that. You two must have been close?”
He really had no idea. Why hadn’t Cole told him?
“
Yeah,” I said, “We were engaged. We were going to get married.”
Sasha coughed away from the phone. “I forced this upon you didn’t I?” he said, “You felt you had to keep it a secret, because you knew of my hopes for both of you. Neither you nor Kate should have had to leave under such circumstances. I should have been more transparent. I have spoken with Roy and Margaret. The funeral is this Friday.”
“I’m not going,” I said.
“But Fletcher…”
“I’m not going Sasha. I can’t. I rang to tell you that I’ll do it. I’ll be integrated. I will become like Frederick. For her.”
“No,” said Sasha.
“Why not? It’s what you wanted.”
“But it is not how I wanted. You sound like you are trying to declare war on death.”
“But now I want this Sasha, more than anything. Please.”
“Wait a month and then decide again. If you still want to then we’ll do it.”
“Thank you.”
I handed the phone back to the receptionist. In the United States alone there are over 1500 cancer related deaths a day. She was a victim of the statistics.
It'd be like starting again. I'd get a new identity. I'd worn fake personalities my whole life, so why not a fake body?
Part 2- Death
Chapter 13
I can see colours you could never imagine.
I woke, if that is the correct term, to darkness and numbness- black lethargy and white gasping. I tried to breath, numbness. I tried to open my mouth, numbness. I tried to talk.
“Help...”
It worked, I think. Perhaps it didn’t.
“Help…”
With that word the oddest memory lodged itself in my mind, nostalgia born of regret. Mild regret. Nothing major.
I saw, I really did see, crystal clear; I saw a wide expanse of grass bathed in the golden light of the setting sun. I saw through my eyes. I looked down from the branch of a bowing gum tree. There was a line of about twenty forming a windbreak- weary, majestic. A barbed wire fence ran out behind me. On my left was a gap-toothed boy with freckles like a cheetah. We were carving our names into the bark with pieces of sharp slate. A quad bike was parked in front of a round corrugated iron barn in the distance.
