by D. N. Hoxa
“I’m fine, big boy. Perfect. Don’t you worry about a thing,” I reassured him. The others had already begun to talk again, asking questions while Bender and Julian gave them the details.
“I’m sorry,” he said next.
“Ezra, there’s nothing to be sorry for. None of this is your fault, okay? You’re not allowed to be sorry.” Poor kid. Guilt was not something he needed right now.
“But I knew,” he whispered.
I leaned away to look at his face. “You knew what?”
I knew, he mouthed, and when I got closer to him again, he whispered: “I heard my parents talking about it. I knew what I am from the beginning.”
Holy spell. “Why didn’t you tell me, Ezra?” I had no idea how it could have helped us, but it definitely would have explained a lot of things.
“I don’t know,” the kid said, shaking his head.
A smiled tried to stretch my lips but failed half way. “That’s okay. It doesn’t matter at all,” I whispered. It really didn’t. Now that everything was over, the only thing that mattered was that he was alive.
Ezra opened his mouth to say something else when the door to the office opened and two people ran inside.
“Ma!” the kid shouted, and finally let go of my hand to run to the woman and jump in her arms.
When Ezra’s hand was no longer in mine, it sort of made everything feel more intense. The guilt. The shame. The pride in seeing him reunited with his parents, who were both crying and hugging him, kissing his head and probably telling him they loved him.
I was stuck looking at his father—a broad shouldered man with a messy beard and a wrinkled grey shirt. Was that how my father was going to greet me? With tears, hugs and kisses?
“Winter?”
Julian’s voice pulled me back to the leaders’ office, and that’s when I realized that Bender was no longer talking. He’d already given them all the details—the ones he knew about. Finally. I was more than ready to leave.
“I’m heading home,” I said to him, then turned to the others. I didn’t want to say anything anymore, and not only because my throat hurt, but I had to. “I’ll be back here a week from today so you can update me on the new house Ezra’s family will live in. Of all the guards you appointed to keep him safe and all your plans for his future. He will not live in hiding again. The kid is going to be able to see sunlight whenever he damn well pleases. I don’t care how you do it.” I didn’t care how I sounded, or how pissed off they’d get. I meant every word I said.
“We don’t have to take orders from you, Winter Wayne,” Monica Raymond said, looking down at me as if she really believed she was superior.
I smiled. “You certainly don’t have to. But the next time he disappears, it will be because of me, and I promise you with all my heart that you will never find him again.” Again, I was not kidding. I’d done worse things, hadn’t I? I’d let my sworn enemy escape, just like that, when I could have killed her and rid the world of a monster. Instead, I’d created two. Kidnapping Ezra was going to be super easy compared to that.
Monica Raymond must have seen something on my face because though she couldn’t disguise how she felt about me in those moments, she did clamp her mouth shut.
I turned to Julian, no longer interested to hear what anybody had to say. “Shall we?” He was going to have to share a cab with me or something, because Turtle was still in front of Bender’s house in Providence. And I didn’t trust my own body to be able to guide me all the way back to my office.
“Thank you so much,” a woman said, her voice shaking. When I looked up, I saw Ezra’s mother, holding his hand in both hers, smiling and crying all at once as she looked at me. A lump formed in my throat. “For saving my boy. Thank you, a million times.”
Fuck. Was everything going to remind me of what I’d done with Jane now? Because she was thanking me for saving her son, and all I could think about was how I’d let Jane escape right after.
“You’re welcome.” The words scratched my throat coming out, and before Ezra’s father could thank me, too, I jumped to my feet.
“I’ll see you next week,” I said to Ezra with a wink. I wanted to give him a kiss, but I wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to do in front of everyone, so without a look back I walked out the door.
Julian and I didn’t have to share a cab. He was late in following me out, but when he did, he told me that my aunt had given him the keys to one of the coven cars to take me home. Just peachy.
“I’d let you get back home right away but I really don’t think I can drive,” I mumbled.
“I’m not going anywhere without seeing to it that you’re okay,” Julian said. Well, if he knew the truth, he’d also know that he’d have to wait a very long time for that to happen.
Pretending to be asleep in the car with Bender the last time had worked perfectly, so I did the same thing again. Rested my head against the window and closed my eyes while Julian drove, because if he asked me enough times what was wrong with me, I was afraid I was going to tell him. Just spill it out and ensure that he’d never even look me in the face again. If he thought I was sleeping, he’d let me rest. The guilt monster inside me could only grow so much, right?
***
I must have really fallen asleep because when Julian called my name, I jumped up in the seat and hit the top of my head on the roof of the car. As if my headache wasn’t bad enough already.
“We’re here,” Julian said, nodding across the street from where he’d parked the car. A sigh escaped my lips. I was finally home.
“Thank you,” I whispered when we got out of the car and made our way to my office.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Winter? I just feel like there’s something you’re not telling me. Are you hurt?” he asked. Looking into his eyes was like being stabbed with those ice shards of his all over my body.
“I’m fine. Just tired,” I lied, then rushed to change the subject. “When will you be back?”
“A week,” he said.
“Are you s—”
“I promise you, it’s really just a week this time. I took Marva here without my father’s approval. I just need to make sure she doesn’t suffer the consequences for that, and I’ll be back here. When I am, there will be no more interruptions.”
A sad smile stretched my lips. If he only knew. “You’ll have to take me to the rooftop, remember?”
“I can’t wait,” he said with a sigh. He framed my face with his hands and rested his forehead against mine. My lips felt too filthy to be kissed by his, but when he leaned in closer, I couldn’t make myself move. Then…
“Winny?”
Oh, hell. Ms. Riley had come out of her apartment building and was looking at us like she couldn’t believe her eyes.
“Oh, my dear, what happened to you?” Covering her mouth with her hands, she came closer and inspected me. She definitely didn't like what she saw.
“Long story, but I’m okay,” I said halfheartedly. Narrowing her brows, she leaned back a bit, like what I’d said offended her.
“Nonsense! You’re not okay!” she shouted.
“No, really. I just need to rest. I’ll be as good as new next morning. I just need my couch.” And I needed to be alone, so I could drown in my misery without bothering anyone.
“Couch,” my landlady said with a flinch. She didn’t seem to notice Julian standing there at all, and he couldn’t stop smiling at her. “I’m taking you up in the apartment on the second floor. Get your things while I make the bed,” she ordered.
“Oh, no! No, that won’t be necessary, Ms. Riley. I’ll be perf—”
“Do it, Winny. And hurry, or I’ll come back to get you,” she said, shaking her finger at my face to make sure I wouldn't argue. Biting my tongue was hard but I did it anyway. And before she disappeared inside the building, she gave Julian a pointed look. “You’re still alive.” With a shrug, she slammed the door shut.
Julian chuckled. “Your landlady is really somethin
g.” He was definitely right about that.
“Do me a favor? When you come back from the fairy realm, bring me the most beautiful tea dishes you can find.” It was a miracle that I’d even remembered Ms. Riley’s birthday considering everything that had happened. There was nothing she loved more than her tea. “I’ll pay you whatever is needed.”
“Are you sure you can afford it? Because tea dishes aren’t cheap in the fairy realm. They require…” he brought his lips close to mine in a heartbeat. “A thousand kisses per dish.”
Heat gathered in my cheeks and my heart picked up the beating. “That’s very expensive.”
“But you can start to pay me right away,” he said, then pressed his lips to mine. I wished I could say that his kiss made me feel the same way it did the last time, like the world was mine and no troubles were in my way. But it didn’t. Now, it made me feel like…like Jane. I couldn’t even bring myself to return the kiss, or even hug him goodbye, even though I knew I wasn’t going to see him for a few days at all.
By the time Julian left and I gathered some clothes to go meet Ms. Riley in one of her apartments, I realized just how much the guilt was about to change my life.
Twenty three
Having your own apartment sure had its perks. Lots of space, a big room, a relatively big kitchen and a brand new living room with a TV in it. Ms. Riley had offered me one of her apartments for free until I got back on my feet because it was really hard for her to find tenants that agreed to live by her rules.
I woke up bright and early that day, took a shower, had my coffee while watching Discovery Channel, dressed in fresh clothes and was out the door at seven. Bender had had Turtle brought back to Manhattan two days before, and I couldn’t wait to get on it and drive it all the way to Bloomsburg.
A week had passed, and I was going to meet the coven leaders—and Ezra, if he decided to show up.
The first days had dragged on forever, but then, as I lay in the dark in Ms. Riley’s apartment, staring at the ceiling and seeing nothing, I realized that this was a sure way to suffocate myself little by little. If I did that, I was going to lose everything I’d worked so hard to get until I blew it all up by making a deal with Jane Dunham.
Yes, I’d done a terrible thing, but did I regret it?
Go ahead and judge away, but I didn’t. Because I’d done it for my father, who was unfairly imprisoned in a magical prison made of dark magic because of me. It didn’t matter how I felt now. I was going to do everything I had to do to release him, even if it meant accepting that I no longer had a soul worth mentioning. The key was to learn to live with it. To breath it. Rehearse it, repeat it, say it out loud and sleep with it in my mind: I was doing this for my father.
Once I came to terms with that, it suddenly got easier to breathe. And to sleep. And to stand.
I picked up the broken pieces and put myself back together little by little, and on the seventh day, I thought I was as okay as I was ever going to get.
The reason I was going to Bloomsburg so early was because Julian was coming back from the fairy realm on that day, too, and I wanted to be there when he arrived at my office through his portal. And I wanted to talk to Ezra as soon as possible. Ask him how he was, how they were treating him, where he was living now…ask him if the man in the prison had visited him again. I’d developed this nasty habit of losing my mind in all kinds of daydreams, where I pictured the ways I was going to meet my father for the first time. That’s why I didn’t even remember most of the drive to Bloomsburg. It passed so fast that it felt like I was there in minutes.
The only downside to this was having to see my aunt. She’d called me countless times, no matter that I never picked up. I was afraid she was going to come to Manhattan and force me to talk to her, but she hadn’t. I’d already texted Bender to tell him I was on my way, so the witch guards in front of the coven headquarters were expecting me. With a nod, they made way for me to enter the building without a single question.
The inside looked so strange with so many people in there. I saw at least sixty coming and going on all floors until I made it to the fourth. Since I didn’t have access to it, I had to knock and wait for someone to let me in.
Bender didn’t look too happy to see me, not like usual. Or maybe it was just me? I kept reading into things lately, and I could no longer tell which were real and which a figment of my imagination. All the coven leaders were in the office—including my aunt—and all of them were behind their desks for once.
I sat down on the white leather sofas with Bender while they took their sweet time. Having to report wasn’t something they wanted to do, but I’d left them with no choice. It was the least any of us could do to make Ezra’s living as comfortable as possible. After all, he was the Spellmaker—though I confess, at the time, I had no real idea what that even meant.
“How have you been?” I asked Bender.
“Good,” he said with a nod. “Busy. You?”
“I’ve been better,” I said with a shrug. “How’s Lynn?”
Smiling, he shook his head. “You know her. Nothing can get her down.”
“You’re right about that.” The girl was tough as nails. “So, have the plans changed or are you two still coming to Manhattan?”
I expected him to shake his head, to tell me no, that he belonged in Bloomsburg and that’s where he was going to stay. But instead, he met my eyes. “Of course. In a couple weeks. I might need some help setting up the coven office there.”
It was so unexpected, I answered in a heartbeat. “Of course,” I promised, even gave him a smile. He was still my friend, though I wasn’t sure how having Julian around was going to affect my relationship with Bender. For now, though, I chose not to even think about it. “Where is Ezra? Is he coming to meet me today?”
“Not here specifically, but his parents are coming by the headquarters in a few to collect some spell stones and documents. Maybe the boy’ll come with,” Bender said.
I really hoped the boy came with. And not only because of my father. But because I really wanted to see him. After everything that I was going to put myself through in the future, who knew if we’d ever see each other again?
When the coven leaders finally decided to join us, Amelia sat right across from me and didn’t looked away from my face. I never once met her eyes from fear of breaking down again, or even worse—lashing out at her in front of everyone. Just to be on the safe side, I pretended she wasn’t there the whole time the other leaders told me about the new house they’d gotten for the Malones.
They didn’t give me an address, but they did show me pictures, and Bender confirmed that they were real. Unfortunately, they had decided that Ezra could not leave the house unsupervised, meaning without two witch guards by his side, but on the bright side, the yard of their new house was massive! The fences were high, the pool huge, the playground bigger—and with a small basketball area at the corner. I could picture Ezra running around with his sisters, playing and swimming and just having a good time.
It made me want to start crying, but when my vision got blurry, I bit my tongue and blinked the tears away. This was okay. The house was a far cry from the old one he used to live in. It was exactly what he deserved. He was still going to get homeschooled, but at least now, he wouldn’t have to worry about the outside. He could spend the whole day under the open sky.
“Happy?” Joseph Davis asked when they finished telling me all the security details they’d appointed to Ezra’s family home.
I smiled brightly. “Very.” He definitely couldn’t say the same thing.
Now that we’d gotten that out of the way, I was ready to leave and wait in my car for Ezra’s parents, and maybe even get to see the kid again. I offered my thanks to the leaders, which seemed surprised by it for some reason, and let Bender show me to the door. When we were on the third floor, I heard Amelia calling my name and froze in place.
“I’ll give you two a sec,” Bender said and tried to leave but I grabbed him by t
he arm.
Turning to my aunt was hard to do after having pretended for the past hour that she didn’t even exist. She was at the top of the stairway, looking down at me with her eyes wide and lips parted, sorry written all over her face.
“Winter, I—”
“No.” I didn’t care if she was sorry. I needed time to come to terms with what she’d done—if I ever would. And she was just going to have to respect that. “No,” I whispered again, and without waiting for her to say anything else, I turned around and ran down the stairs.
“What the hell happened with you two? She won’t tell me,” Bender asked when we walked outside of the building.
A smile took over my face. Of course, she wouldn’t tell him. How could she tell anyone something like that? “Just family stuff. Nothing to worry about,” I mumbled. “Thanks for walking me out.”
“No problem. The Malones are almost here. I need to give them these.” He showed me a transparent folder full of paperwork under his arm.
“Do I even want to know?”
“Nope. Definitely not,” he said with a grin.
“Do you know where they’re taking him?”
Bender shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine, but I think it’s for the best,” he said. Then… “Listen, Wayne, I know you feel guilty about what happened.” My heart stopped beating. “We had Jane right there and she slipped through our fingers again. But it is not your fault.” Ah, shit. I wished he hadn’t brought that up…
“I know.” Pretending to dust off my jeans, I successfully avoided his eyes.
“I mean it. Stop looking like someone died because nobody did. We’re going to get her,” he promised. A weak cry made it all the way to my lips but I held myself. He was my friend, and I was betraying him by just standing there and keeping my mouth shut. It hurt like hell, but what did I tell you before? Accepting. Accepting it was key.
"I'll be fine, Bender. You’ll see.” By the time he came to live in Manhattan, I would have mastered the art of pretending. Hopefully.
