The House of Robots Series by James Patterson
House of Robots
House of Robots: Robots Go Wild!
House of Robots: Robot Revolution
The Daniel X Series by James Patterson
The Dangerous Days of Daniel X
Daniel X: Watch the Skies
Daniel X: Demons and Druids
Daniel X: Game Over
Daniel X: Armageddon
Daniel X: Lights Out
Other Illustrated Novels
Pottymouth and Stoopid
Word of Mouse
Jacky Ha-Ha
Jacky Ha-Ha: My Life Is a Joke
Public School Superhero
Give Please a Chance
Big Words for Little Geniuses
The Candies Save Christmas
For exclusives, trailers, and other information, visit jimmypatterson.org.
Prologue
Can We Have Your Attention, Please? Didn’t Think So
Welcome to the big speech where the whole school has to listen to me, “Stoopid,” and my best bud since forever, “Pottymouth.”
Actually, they don’t let Pottymouth talk too much in public. Especially not with a microphone.
So, looks like you’re stuck with just me.
And I bet you’re wondering why.
Okay. Everybody here already knows us, right? We’re Pottymouth and Stoopid, thanks to all of you. Those have been our nicknames since you gave them to us, like, forever ago. We’re the class clowns.
No, wait. We’re the class jokes.
Well, today you’ll hear our real, true story. And we get to tell it our way. We might let some other people chime in, but it’s mostly going to be us because, come on, this is our story.
I’ll apologize to your butts now, because they’ll be pretty sore from sitting here by the time I’m done.
Now, everybody pay attention. Even you teachers.
You might actually learn some things you didn’t know about Pottymouth and Stoopid.
You might also learn that some of the things you thought you knew are totally and completely wrong.
Pottymouth: The Origin Story
Let’s jump ahead to third grade.
Michael and I were still in the same class. One day, we had a substitute teacher named Mr. Chaffapopoulos. I remember his name because Michael said it sounded like Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street.
Anyway, we were doing math. I was up at the whiteboard.
“Diana’s mom gave her sixty-five dollars to go shopping,” said Mr. Chaffapopoulos as I fidgeted with the dry-erase marker in my hand. “She bought a sweater for twenty-nine dollars, a T-shirt for twelve dollars, and a pair of shoes for fifteen. How much money does Diana have left?”
I knew it was a multistep problem.
I knew because those were, and still are, my least favorite kind.
The first thing I needed to do was write down all those numbers. I remembered the girl in the word problem started with sixty-five dollars. So I wrote 65 and a minus sign on the whiteboard.
“Um, how much was the sweater?” I asked.
“Twenty-nine dollars.”
I wrote 29 after the first minus sign and added another minus sign.
“How much was the T-shirt?”
“Twwwwelllve. Dolllllaaarrrs.”
He said it real slow, like he thought that was the only speed my brain would understand. Kids started snickering.
As I wrote 12, I started muttering to myself. “Short attention span, lack of focus, needs to develop better listening skills…”
It was all the stuff my teachers had written on my report cards in first and second grade.
I didn’t want to ask what the girl in the word problem bought next because the sub would definitely make fun of me again. He didn’t know anything about my short attention span because he was a short-timer himself. So I wrote another minus sign and just made up the final number: 7.50.
“Excuse me,” said Mr. Chaffapopoulos. “What exactly did Diane buy for seven dollars and fifty cents?”
The classroom tittered in anticipation of my dumb answer.
“Um, dog food?”
The whole classroom burst into a big laugh. After the laughter peaked, the whole classroom started chanting: “Stupid, stupid, David is stupid!”
Mr. Chaffapopoulos tried to make them be quiet. It didn’t work. Like I said, he was a sub.
This was when Michael exploded.
“Rrrrrggghhh, hicklesnicklepox! David isn’t stupid, you flufferknuckles! He’s my friend, so stick your grizzlenoogies in your boomboolies and leave him alone.”
“Huh?” said Kaya, who was still in our class (we just couldn’t shake her).
“Sit down, Michael,” said Mr. Chaffapopoulos in his most menacing voice. “Sit down this instant!”
“Ah, sludgepuggle, you flufferknuckle! Sludgepuggle, sludgepuggle, sludgepuggle!”
Mr. Chaffapopoulos gasped in horror. “Enough! I’m writing a note to your parents, Michael.” He started scribbling something on a small pink pad. “They need to teach you what words are appropriate to use in school and what words are not. Then they need to wash your mouth out with hand sanitizer, Mr. Pottymouth!”
“Ha!” laughed a bunch of kids. “He’s Mr. Pottymouth!”
Yep. This was the day Michael became known as Mr. Pottymouth, which, in less than a day, was shortened to Pottymouth.
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Laugh Out Loud Page 11
