Radiant Point

by Brei Betzold

  He laughed quietly and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “That’s good, because you’re not allowed to go to anymore.”

  I later found out that the guy he got into a fight with was the same guy I’d watched in the corner. Though no one would ever tell me what they fought about. Jeron was true to his word and I didn’t go to another one of those parties, though he’d take me to some of the smaller ones with his group of friends. I was okay with that and even more okay when he wanted to stay home with me on a Saturday night.

  Life with Jeron wasn’t always fights, parties, and drama. In fact, most days it was rather boring. We went to work, I went to school, we came home watched television and ate dinner. I was made assistant manager at the book store I worked for; the added raise was definitely welcome. He’d go out with his friends, I’d stay home and do homework, it was nice and I was happy.

  My nineteenth birthday passed with little fanfare. Jeron brought me home a cake, we ate too much and then made love. Christmas passed and we welcomed in the New Year with a small party. I started the spring semester of classes, this time only taking two. I had learned last semester that taking three classes in a single day was too much. It left me with little time left over, last year that was what I wanted. This year though I had a life to live, someone to spend time with.

  My mom called occasionally, but she rarely had something nice to say and often spent the calls telling me how I was making a mistake with Jeron. I often didn’t understand her. She acted as though we were better than Jeron and Beth, except how could we have been when we were neighbors at the same trailer park? I was going to be an older sister in a few months, she seemed excited about that. I was uncertain about how I felt when she told me she was pregnant, a part of me was happy for her, she sounded so thrilled. The other part felt as if she was erasing me from her past, this child was a do over for her. This life was her real life and everything before, with me was just a nightmare. I was hurt and angry but I felt guilty for feeling like this. I should feel happy for her, she’s my mother, but I wasn’t sure if I was still her daughter.

  Beth came to visit for the first since she had the baby. She was sad and slightly withdrawn, but she swore she was content with her choice. I got to see pictures of her little girl, she was beautiful. The open adoption let her have a small role in her child’s life, and she planned to attend community college where she now lived, after getting her GED.

  I decided I wanted to be a nurse, so I was looking into programs close to home. Jeron was nothing but encouraging, telling me we’d make it work. He wanted me happy, and to have a job that I loved. I just wanted to find a career that fulfilled and interested me. Nursing was the first career that I came across that really peaked my curiosity.

  It was mid April when life threw us a curve ball yet again. That was a time in my life I would never forget, it changed me. The memory is something I hold to my heart, and not for the reason most would assume. What happened that day changed everything, but it also cemented that Jeron wouldn’t leave me. I think that had always been something I feared, because up to this point everyone left me.

  I’d been in a similar position once before, only I was holding someone’s hand while they waited to see if their life was going to be changed forever. Only there was no one here to hold my hand, I stared down at my phone blankly waiting for the timer to go off; my other hand ran soothing circles around my stomach. The stomach that wanted to rebel against me at any moment.

  When the alarm rang through the small bathroom, it startled me and I jerked my head back, banging it against the wall. Wincing, I rubbed my head while pushing off the floor on to my knees so I could peek onto the bathroom counter. The word PREGNANT screamed from the test, and I swallowed as bile rose in my throat.

  “No,” I moaned clutching my stomach, and then I gave up the fight and lurched over to the toilet where I lost what little food I’d been able to consume the past twenty-four hours. When I was finished, I wiped the back of my hand over my mouth and started to cry. I was nineteen― I wasn’t ready to have a baby. I didn’t know what to do with a baby; I gasped when I thought of Jeron. What would he say? Would he leave me like my father left my mom?

  I sank back onto the tiles and wrapped my arms around my legs, this can’t be happening. My life for the first time made sense, it was nearly perfect, why now? Why couldn’t this have happened in four years, I’d have been thrilled then, I’d have been out of school, secure. Not now though, I had a semester of college classes under my belt, a job that paid just over minimum wage, I couldn’t do this.

  I thought of telling Jeron and cringed when a picture of him angry flitted through my mind. Another of him packing up, leaving me to deal with this alone. I started dry heaving and lurched to the toilet once again. My muscles ached, my eyes blurred with tears. I couldn’t, no wouldn’t, do this alone.

  I curled into a ball at the base of the toilet and cried, my life was over. I was going to become exactly what I feared, a carbon copy of my mother. I was going to have to move back to that shitty trailer park, forget my dreams, and try to raise a child by myself. Only I wasn’t strong enough for that, I’d never be able to do it.

  I was already the world’s worst mom; how could I not want my child, except I didn’t. I didn’t want this baby; I didn’t want the life that would come with it. I wanted more, I wanted better, I wanted a life. And Jeron was going to leave, he was going to pack his things, or worse since it was his house kick me out. I’d be homeless, pregnant and tossed aside like trash, just like my mom.

  I must have passed out at some point, because that’s how Jeron found me, asleep on the cold bathroom tile. I felt him brush the back of his hand across my cheek, he whispered my name and I could hear the concern. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. I wanted to savor that sound before it was anger and incrimination in his voice instead of that sweet concern.

  “Trinity, sweetheart, you’re scaring me, you okay?”

  I nodded, and I felt a tear leak down into my hair.

  “Trin?” He sounded anxious, scared.

  “I’m okay,” I croaked.

  He helped me into a sitting position, and my muscles protested after sleeping on the hard floor. “Trin, what’s going on?”

  I had opened my mouth to say something―a lie, the truth― I wasn’t sure, but I couldn’t. My voice just wouldn’t work. Instead I gestured to the test that still sat on the counter. I refused to touch it like the bomb it was; it’d already ransacked and destroyed my world. I had to sit back and watch while it did the same to Jeron’s.

  Jeron stood and looked down at the test; he gently picked it up and stared. Then he placed it slowly back on the counter and looked over at me. Emotions, thoughts flitted across his face faster than I could read. I held my breath waiting for the accusations to fly, the anger to spew; when he gave a decisive nod I braced myself for impact.

  When he opened his mouth I cringed. “Well, I guess we should get married.” He nodded once more then reached down and grabbed my arms, pulling me up. “I’ll find out what we need to do, we should probably do it sooner than later though,” he murmured and ran a finger down my cheek. He leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. “I love you, Trinity,” he murmured. He pulled me into his chest and held me tightly. “Everything will be okay, I promise.”

  I was too stunned to speak; I just nodded and let him hold me while I once again cried. I didn’t argue his plan to marry me like I should have. I knew having a baby wasn’t a reason to get married. All I could do at that point was let him hold and comfort me. There would be time to fight later.

  I blame pregnancy hormones for the way I reacted to finding out I was pregnant. I should have trusted Jeron more, I know that now. I should have remembered the way he reacted when he thought I was pregnant instead of Beth, him holding me, promising he would be there. Ah, but pregnancy and teenage hormones wreaked havoc over my system and I couldn’t think clearly.

  It’s like I remember everything that happe
ned and nothing at all, I remember Jeron finding out about the baby, but I can’t remember much that led up to my first doctor’s visit. I can remember walking into the office but not what happened once we walked in the door. I remember my name being called by the nurse but nothing until I was sitting on the table in a paper gown waiting for the doctor. I’m not sure if that’s normal or not; what I do remember clearly was Jeron holding my hand the entire time.

  Jeron was amazing during this time in my life. He was there when I needed him, and when I needed to just think, he left me alone. When I told him I had a doctor’s appointment, he made sure he was able to take me. If I woke in the morning and ran to the bathroom, he was right behind me, just to rub my back and hold my hair away from my face.

  He didn’t bring up marriage again, for which I was grateful. I wasn’t in a state of mind to make decisions like that. I was still coming to grips with the pregnancy, the way my life was going to change.

  So there we were sitting in a small room with pictures of uteruses, and fetuses curled in uteruses. Jeron was pacing around while I sat frozen on the padded table, paper stuck to my naked ass. When someone knocked I jumped slightly, and then like a tornado the doctor walked in.

  “Well, Ms. Seymour, it appears you’re having a baby.” He beamed at me.

  I nodded mutely as Jeron walked over, taking my hand in his, squeezing gently.

  The doctor clapped his hand. “You must be dad?”

  Jeron nodded, and introduced himself, shaking the man’s hand. “Good, good now I need to do an exam. Just to make sure mommy is healthy, and then we’re going to listen to baby’s heartbeat.” He walked around pulling items out and placing them on a metal rolling tray. “I’d also like to do an ultrasound so we can pin point a due date. When was your last period, Ms. Seymour?”

  “Uh, call me Trinity, and February, I think.” I flushed at how that sounded. “I had uh midterms in March, so I can’t really be sure.”

  “Ah, midterms,” the doctor sighed, “I do not miss those.”

  There was another knock on the door and the nurse who’d taken me for a urine sample, and other unsavory things, walked in. She smiled blandly at me before quickly looking over Jeron, a small smile on her face. I nearly growled at the nurse, but Jeron squeezed the hand he still held and smiled down at me.

  “Okay, Trinity,” the doctor smiled, “lie down for me.”

  I did as he asked, staying still as he and the nurse put my feet up in stir ups. Then this man I’d barely known five minutes was sitting between my legs looking at a place only Jeron had ever seen. I cringed and when I felt a hand, I flinched.

  “Just my hand first,” the doctor said. I laid there in complete humiliation as this guy looked at me. “Good, good,” he murmured, “now, Trinity, this next bit can be uncomfortable, just breathe. This is going to be cold.” Then I felt something being pushed into me, it pinched and I wanted to move away. “All done,” the doctor murmured and I sighed in relief.

  The doctor removed my hands from the stir ups and smiled. “Just a quick breast exam and we’re done with the unpleasant stuff today.”

  I nodded and watched as he opened my paper robe and quickly felt me up. Then he sat down on his rolling stool. “Trinity, everything seems fine; we’ll send some samples to the lab to test for sti’s, just as a precaution. You’re cervix is closed, like it should be.” He smiled kindly at me. “Are you ready to hear your baby’s heartbeat?”

  I nodded and watched as he pulled my robe apart over my stomach; a cold gel landed on my lower abdomen and I hissed. “Sorry, our warmer in this room broke.” I nodded and watched as he picked up this box like thing that had a probe attached and he placed it on my abdomen pushing down. He kept moving it around and we could hear an erratic whooshing sound, until it wasn’t erratic anymore.

  “Is that?” Jeron asked, standing there stunned.

  The doctor beamed at us. “That is your baby’s heartbeat, and it’s in perfect range.”

  He kept the probe there a moment longer so we could just listen. “Now, are you ready to see your baby?”

  I nodded, and Jeron smiled hugely.

  “Trinity, go ahead and get dressed; the tech will come get you in a few minutes.”

  “That was so cool,” Jeron murmured, pulling me closer and kissing me after the doctor left. His hand reached down and placed it gently over my abdomen. “You’re amazing,” he breathed and kissed me again. Then he turned me toward the corner of the room where a curtain hung to give me the semblance of privacy. “Go get changed so we can see him.”

  “Him, huh?”

  Jeron just shrugged with a smirk on his face. “We’ll have to wait and see, won’t we?”

  I dressed quickly and we waited, time seemed to drag on until the nurse finally knocked on the door to get us. I realized I was excited for the first time in a week over the baby. Hearing the heartbeat made everything real, and I placed a hand over where our baby rested and pictured a little boy that looked like Jeron.

  “Better?” Jeron murmured in my ear.

  “Yea,” I whispered.

  He kissed my temple then there was a knock on the door. A small woman stood there smiling at us. “You ready to see your baby?”

  “Yea,” I said smiling.

  We were led down the hall into a dark room, and I was told once again to lose the clothes, only this time it was just my shorts and panties. The sonogram tech pulled out a large wand and rolled a condom over it, and explained she’d be inserting it into me. I was too early for her to get a clear picture of the baby with an external exam. I gulped and laid down, it wasn’t comfortable, but it wasn’t uncomfortable to have that thing inside me.

  When I saw the screen and my tiny baby, I forgot all about comfort, and just stared in awe. It was so tiny; then she turned the sound on, and for the second time that day we got to listen to our baby’s heartbeat. A few minutes later it was finished and screen went black; I wanted to beg her to put it back. Then she removed the probe and told me I could get dressed.

  The technician printed out some pictures, and told us I was nine weeks and four days pregnant. My due date was October twenty-first, and that everything looked to be right on track. I nodded mutely and clutched the pictures to my chest while we arranged my next appointment, took the hand outs on pregnancy and the bag full of sample vitamins.

  I was in a daze for the rest of the day; Jeron would laugh under his breath every time he found me staring at the pictures. He ended up taking one of the printed pictures and hanging it on the fridge, grinning madly about it.

  After that there was no doubt that I wanted this baby, that Jeron wanted this baby. It might not have been the ideal timing, but we loved it.

  Jeron was always protective of me, but never more so than when I was pregnant. At the time it drove me insane, but now I miss it. I miss him constantly guiding me by a hand on my back, opening doors then walking in first. He had this strange view of the world; he didn’t understand why men let their women walk in first. He often complained that if we walked into a gas station that was being held up, why would he want me to walk in first? He couldn’t protect me if he was behind me. He said he’d rather die from a bullet to protect me than to try and live a life where he’d failed to do so. I thought he was slightly neurotic, but it was cute so I didn’t put up a fuss, I just let him do what he felt he needed to.

  After our first doctor’s appointment, we made an unspoken agreement not to talk to anyone about the baby. Not because we were ashamed, but because it was something we wanted to be just ours for a little while. We wanted to hold on to the knowledge that we’d created a life; I think we both knew it would be tainted later. That people would say things that would hurt us.

  I lived in a bubble for the most part; I knew people still talked about Jeron. I know they thought they know him, but I ignored it. From everything I’d learned so far in life, one thing was certain, some people enjoyed hurting others, they liked the thrill when their words hit a target.
They liked to make other people hurt, and while I didn’t understand it, I knew that the emotional sadists in the world would have plenty to say about Jeron and I having a child.

  My mom was one of those emotional sadists. She called at one point gushing about her new daughter, telling me how she was perfect, the most perfect baby ever born. How she’d never been more thrilled, and happy. Each word was like a blow to my already fragile emotions. Jeron finally took the phone away and hung up on her and then he just held me and told me he loved me. We ignored our phones for the rest of the weekend, he just held me and we made plans for the future.

  It was hard to hate your mother, I mean she’s your mother. It leaves you feeling like there is something wrong with you. And I don’t think I actually hated her, I just didn’t understand how she could be so callous. I knew Jeron wanted to protect me, but I don’t think someone can protect from that. A parent is meant to love their child, and when the only parent they have doesn’t, it causes a harm that you can’t be protected from. Sadly Jeron understood this, but he still tried which I appreciated.

  Jeron’s hand often migrated down to my abdomen, just lying there, sometimes running his thumb like he was soothing our child. I don’t think he even realized he did it, but each time my heart filled. I was reassured he wanted this, he wanted me, he wanted our child.

  It was the beginning of May when Jeron brought marriage up again, a part of me had hoped that he’d forgotten what he’d said before.

  “I was thinking May thirtieth.”

  “May thirtieth?”

  “For our wedding.”

  “We’re not getting married,” I blurted out.

  “Yes we are.”

  “Uh no, we’re not.”

  “You already agreed.”

  “No I didn’t.”

  “Yes you did, when we found out you were pregnant.”

  I wanted to smack him for using a time in which I was so emotionally raw against me. I would have agreed that the sky was falling at that time if he’d said it.