by Black, C. E.
He leaned in close and this time his blue eyes were bright with anger and I pulled back surprised, but he wouldn't let me move. He kept hold of my hand and he pulled me towards him even as he moved in closer. Never had I seen him this mad and I was scared.
"Why Rebecca, did you betray me?" He asked right in my face; so close I could smell his minty breath.
I shook my head. No, never, I wanted to say, but again I couldn't. It was as if my throat had clogged; no sound came out.
"Yes. You betrayed me Rebecca. You left me. You said you would never leave me and you left. You left me to die. Why?"
What? No. I never left. I never wanted him to die. I did everything in my power to save him, but it wasn't enough.
I shook my head, but he kept repeating "Why? Why? Why?" over and over and over.
I shook my head repeatedly while trying to pull myself away from him, but I could not move. He was squeezing me. Then he was shaking me and I couldn't see him anymore for the tears that blurred my vision.
"Rebecca."
I continued to twist and turn trying to get away. Let me go, I wanted to shout.
"Rebecca. Wake up."
I stopped moving at the sound of his voice. It wasn't Drake.
"Wake up honey, you're having a nightmare," Sean said shaking me lightly.
I opened my eyes to find myself wrapped in Sean's arms, not Drakes and I began to sob, big heartbreaking sobs that I couldn't control. Vaguely I heard Sean whispering. His comforting words and soft hushes soothed me. It also didn't escape notice that he continually kissed my hair and forehead, even my red nose.
Feeling safe in his arms, I cried not just because of Drake's accusations, but also because the dream wasn't real. He was not there. He would never be there, and I wanted him with me more than anything, even with his anger and accusations. I could handle all of that because it would have meant he was alive.
He wasn't alive though and I had to remember that. Life went on. While my sobs began to ease, I thought maybe what Nathaniel said was right. Maybe I needed to move on with someone else, with Sean. Yes, he was my second choice, but he knew that. I would be his second also. It was a gamble, but all of life was.
I pulled away from Sean's tear soaked shirt to look up at him. His face was so full of concern and I could tell he cared for me deeply. I leaned in and kissed him softly on his lips. He gasped and jumped back startled. I tried showing him with my eyes how all right this was with me. I could see his indecision, but it didn't take long for his gaze to clear.
He leaned into me and kissed me as softly as I had kissed him. We kissed tenderly as if we were made of glass and were both afraid one of us would break the other.
I felt shattered. It was so different from kissing Drake, the only other man I had ever kissed. The feelings were there, just not as strong. I still felt passion though and it was definitely building. I knew he felt it too when he pulled back, his breathing uneven.
Our eyes met and held. We gazed at each other for what felt like hours, but it was probably only minutes. He had questions and I needed to give him answers and then ask my own questions. It was time to talk.
Sean spoke first. "I know we need to talk, but first I just wanted to say, I'm sorry for being in your room like this, in your bed."
My cheeks flamed when I realized we were tangled together on my bed. Wow, that was some kiss to make me forget where I was. He noticed my blush and gave me his charming grin.
I cleared my throat and asked, "Why are you in here?"
"Well, I came by to talk to you and when I reached your door I heard you call out. The door was unlocked so I poked my head in to check to make sure you were okay. You were having a nightmare. It looked pretty bad too so I wanted to wake you up. And well, you know the rest."
I blushed again, darn my fair skin, but he didn't chuckle like usual or grin. He was ready for the serious conversation.
"I'm sorry about what I said earlier. About you not being my mate. That wasn't nice or fair. You were only being a friend," I said.
I wanted to start with what we were supposed to talk about before I met with the Pack Master. I needed to apologize. It had been a rotten thing to say.
"Apology accepted," he said with a soft smile.
He did not add anything else so I knew he wanted me to start. I was the one who kissed him.
"I, um, had a conversation today with Pack Master Dane. I came by to tell him that I was followed today."
"What! What? When? What happened?" Sean immediately went into guard mode.
"No, stop. Everything's all right and I have already spoken to Dane about it. I'm sure he will fill you in later." At his glare, I conceded. "Fine, I'll tell you later. I want to talk about us first. Okay?"
He reluctantly agreed so I continued. "He had an interesting theory on why we're attracted to each other even though we aren't mates."
"So you want me?" He interrupted, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Gees! Be serious will you? Yes, you know I'm attracted to you." At his grin, I added, "And you want me." His grin turned to a sheepish smile and he kissed my nose.
"So as I was saying, he thinks we are second mates."
At Sean's confused look, I put my hand up to signal him to wait before asking questions.
"You know how often we wolves never find our mates? And how depressed we get if our mate dies?" Sean nodded. "Well, Dane thinks second mates are like second chances. Nature's way of keeping our lives balanced. So we don't feel so lonely all the time waiting for the one to come along.”
“Or waiting for death after we lose them," I added knowing that's how I felt sometimes, like I was waiting for death because Drake wasn't there. If we were two halves of a whole, then why wasn't he with me?
"Do you understand?" I asked Sean.
"Yes, I think so, but I'm still not sure. What if one of us finds our mate, won't the other be depressed and lonely once again? It might be too much to lose you to your mate, knowing I will be alone again."
I shook my head. "You don't have to worry about that Sean. I would be the one losing you."
I looked away trying to hold back the tears. I hated talking about Drake, but Sean needed to know.
"I found my mate Sean."
Sean's eyes widen. "Oh."
He was silent a moment then understanding dawned and his eyes saddened. He pulled me close and rested his cheek on top of my head.
"I'm so sorry Rebecca."
I nodded and held him tight. The tighter I held him, the better I could hold back my tears.
When he drew back he asked, "What was his name?"
"Drake."
He nodded. "When did he pass?"
"Five years ago," I said trying to keep my emotions pushed as far back as I could while having this conversation. It was hard, but I found talking about it with Sean surprisingly easy.
"That was about the time you showed up here, right?" He asked.
"Yes, I had to leave. It was too painful to stay there with the memories and people who knew us."
I paused preparing myself for my very serious confession. I knew our relationship's future would be decided by how he took my past.
"There was also another reason for my leaving," I said hesitantly.
Sean narrowed his eyes slightly and I was reminded of when Nathaniel said he could read me like a book. Could Sean do the same? Could he see the word murderer printed on my forehead?
"I killed the Master our pack was aligned to."
I looked him straight in the eye. Whatever he thought of me, I wanted to see it first and I wanted him to know I didn't feel any guilt at all over my actions.
He said nothing at first, only held my gaze. I could tell he was shocked and was probably hoping I was just joking. I was completely serious and he could see that.
"Okay Rebecca, you've got to give me more than that. I know you and I know you wouldn't do something like that without a really good reason."
Yes, I knew I would have to give him the wh
ole story, but I wanted the important part told first.
"Master Logan wasn't a bad Master, but not nearly as kind as Lucas. I never heard of him being deliberately mean or torturing anyone until his One died. The Enduring Kiss is supposed to prolong their life, but something happened.”
“Katrine was a risk taker, everyone knew. She loved to go rock climbing and one day she didn't come back from an excursion. They said Master Logan tried everything even redoing the Kiss, which I don't think is possible, but Katrine did not make it."
I remembered the sadness that surrounded the pack at that time. I had not known her well. I had always been sort of a loner, but it was as if we all could feel the Master's misery during that time.
"It was not long after that when we started noticing his behavior changing. I truly believe he went crazy. He blamed Katrine's guards for not protecting her. Really, how were they supposed to protect her from falling off a cliff?"
"I don't know," Sean said quietly.
"I know, that's a stupid question, but it was one we asked over and over. He just wouldn't listen. He tortured those guards and if they had mates he took them as feeders."
"Without their permission?" Sean asked incredibly.
"Well, not really. He told them he would let their mate's live after a short imprisonment if they fed him. And they believed him."
Sean thought about that a moment, his face drawn in Thought.
"What are you trying to say?" He finally asked.
I blew out a breath I had not realized I was holding. I was so worried over his reactions, but I shouldn't have been surprised to see him so calm. Sean was a laid-back kind of guy, but he also knew when to be serious. I appreciated his calm right now. I hoped he would stay that way.
"Drake was one of her guards and I was his mate," I said simply. Did that not say it all?
As soon as he realized what I was saying, that calm manner I was just admiring about him flew out the window. His gold eyes burned with his anger. His arms tighten around me.
"What? You're saying you were a feeder to that asshole?" He practically yelled.
I winced at his cursing. I never could get use to it.
"Did you have to...? I mean did he...?"
I pulled back and shook my head. I knew what he was asking and it was a legitimate question. The feeding process can be sexual for both participants, but not in my case.
"No Sean, never. My heart belonged elsewhere. I could have never done that without force, and Master Logan was so depressed over losing Katrine that I think it made the feedings different. They were actually quite painful," I whispered. "He was not kind."
I could still see Sean was close to being enraged so I leaned into him, hugging him. I held him tightly to comfort both of us. His tensed body began to soften until finally he began to rub my back gently, letting me know he was okay.
"So, this Master killed your mate?"
I nodded my head against his chest. "Yes. I had been a feeder for about two weeks when I felt Drake pass. It was like half of me just vanished. I've never felt so hollow in my life."
Tears slipped down my cheeks and I wiped them away. How long would I cry over my loss?
"It has gotten better though. Not long after his death, I started to feel more myself again, but it was definitely different. It was as if he was close, just not reachable. That's when I started to plan."
"I was watched closely and was not allowed out of my room without a guard. Luckily, my guard was a friend, but Logan did not know that. She was one of the few women guards. Her name was Rachel and I owe her everything. She helped me get my stuff from my old room and that was where I got the knife.”
“Drake had given it to me as a gift. I was starting school soon and he wanted me to take precautions if I was out alone. The knife was hidden on a keychain"
"So you killed him with a baby knife? I thought they were more difficult to kill than that?" Sean interrupted.
"No you goof; I use the knife to sharpen a stake. I was allowed outside once a day. Rachel would be my guard of course and I slipped a stick in my pocket."
He chuckled lightly and I was glad some of the tension was gone, at least for now.
"You mean to tell me, you twiddled a stake out of a stick you picked up in the yard, with a baby knife that hides on a keychain?" He laughed again.
I popped him on the shoulder. "Yes. I thought it was genius. A small stake is a good as a big one. Now shut up and let me finish."
He pressed his lips together and pretended to zip them shut.
"I told Rachel my plan and we waited until the right guards were on duty. All of the guards were against what the Master was doing, but only a few were willing to act in some way. How Rachel found out who was willing to help, I don't know, but she was amazing."
I shook my head thinking of her. She could find information like nobody's business.
"Everything finally fell into place only about a week after Drake was killed. It was my turn to sleep in his room and we had the right guards. I waited until he was in his daytime sleep and, well you can guess what happened.”
I didn't really want to explain. Vampires were not really dead like most thought. Their hearts beat even in their daytime sleep. They were just magical creatures like us werewolves. Only their magic was immortality, well only as immortal as one could get, obviously. There really was not anyone who could survive a piece of wood slammed through their heart.
I remembered watching him, making sure he was dead. Blood trickled from his nose, mouth, and ears. He shriveled up a little, but not too gruesome like. Then the glow that all living creatures have, but no one seems to notice, that glow vanished after I staked him. I had never noticed the light of life until I saw it dim in person. Even with my hatred for him, it saddened me.
I realized how quiet Sean was so I looked up at him wondering what he was thinking. He stared straight ahead; his facial features were blank and controlled. I could not handle it.
"What are you thinking?" I asked a little desperately.
He looked at me then, and lifted the corner of one side of his mouth in the smallest smile I'd ever seen on him.
"I'm thinking...wow, you did that? And that I'm surprised you killed him out of vengeance. That doesn't seem like you."
"That wasn't all it was. Logan had gotten out of control. He started bringing in guards over the smallest indiscretions and torturing them. He took on more wolves as feeders and he was killing them. He had gone crazy. Our Pack Master couldn't do anything because he was locked up and tortured too. Someone had to do something."
"Yeah," he said. "I'm just sorry you were the one to have to do that."
He ran his hands over my head, spreading his fingers through my hair as I leaned into his chest. I breathed in his woodsy scent feeling safe.
It didn't feel the same as it had with Drake though. With Drake, I felt at home, like there was nowhere else in the world I would rather go. With Sean, it was the gentle landing after my home had blown apart.
"I can't ever go back," I said both to Sean and to myself.
"Are you wanted for his murder?"
"Not that I know of. Many stories were made up to keep me safe. They were supposed to say there was no one with him that morning and that I ran away the night before. I haven't heard anything in five years so I guess everything went as planned."
"So you haven't seen or heard from your family in five years?" He asked in astonishment.
"No, not that family anyway, but this pack is my family now. I miss Rachel though. She was my best friend when my life was at its lowest. I owe her a lot."
"What about your parents, or siblings?"
"I don't have any siblings and my parents died in a car wreck when I was a teenager. I guess I'm kind of glad they weren't around when Logan went insane." I couldn't bear to think of them in that situation.
"Can I kiss you?"
Sean's words were so off subject I laughed, which felt good after the heaviness of our conversation. In a
nswer, I lifted my lips to his. The kiss was just as tender as before. He brushed his lips back and worth over mine so softly I almost thought I imagined them.
"Open for me Rebecca," he whispered.
I parted my lips and his tongues swept inside. I gently touch his tongue with mine and with that, the dance began.
The same dance I remembered from before, but with a different partner. It made all the difference though. As our tongues and mouths met and as he became playful, nipping my bottom lip I became more comfortable. Passion began to rise and flow through me and I pulled myself closer to him. He did the same and our kisses became more intense.
I raised my leg over his hip trying to get closer. This was the closest I had come to defeating five years of loneliness and I was becoming hurried.
Sean ran his hand up my calf and thigh stopping only to rub my hip a moment before moving north. He reached my breast and I moaned at the sensation of his thumb rubbing across my nipple. Even though he was touching me over my clothes, my nipple hardened into a tight peak.
Sean began sliding kisses down my neck and I lifted my head murmuring incoherent words of pleasure. I was beginning to wonder how far this would go when all of sudden Sean stopped.
"Shit," he said under his breath. I winced only a little this time. "Sorry," he whispered and kissed my forehead.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"My phone is ringing. It's the guard's ringtone, I have to get this."
Only then did I hear the beeping. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and brought it to his ear. I pulled away some, needing the space. Things had gone farther than I had planned. I was unsure if that was such a good idea.
As Sean spoke on the phone, I thought about everything that had happened. Part of me wanted a relationship with Sean. That was what this time with him meant, but another part of me felt like it was wrong somehow. Our pull towards each other was undeniable and I did believe what Nathaniel said about second mates, but something was off. Something felt missing. Maybe that was how it would always feel, I thought.
"I'm sorry, I have to go. Something's come up on that Master in town. He's meeting with Master Christensen and Pack Master Dane tonight. Can we get together later? I'm not sure how long I'll be, but if I'm done before it gets too late, can I stop by and see you?"
