‘Take her… she’ll never know me… but if you can, tell her… that I loved her.’
‘We promise,’ Emilia vowed, glancing at Ben before she took the baby back into her own arms.
Ben placed one hand on Emilia’s shoulder, the other over the tiny girl’s form. ‘We promise.’
The doctor arrived and ordered Emilia and Ben downstairs. ‘Nurse Roberts will attend to the baby in the kitchen. In view of her intended adoption there’s no need for either of you to see her again, although, of course, the final decision will rest with Captain Harvey. It was brave of you to stay throughout, Emilia, but you must rest now. Please be sensible, I don’t want to find myself at your bedside.’
They joined Alec, Tristan and Julian in the parlour. Tristan looked more haggard and desolate than on the day he had hobbled into the farmyard.
‘Tris, the doctor said to give him a short while, then you can go up,’ Emilia said. She touched his hand. It was marble cold.
‘Are you going to be all right, Tris?’ Ben said.
‘I’ll go up with you,’ Alec said.
Tristan ran a hand down his face. ‘No, I’ll be fine alone. I, uh, didn’t want this for her. Has she suffered much, poor thing?’
‘She wasn’t aware of anything really,’ Emilia said.
‘Not even the baby?’
‘She knows she has a daughter.’
‘Thank you, thank you, Emilia. I’ll go up and wait outside the bedroom door.’
Emilia went straight into Alec’s arms. She needed him to stop her from shivering, to soothe her from the horrors, but she did nothing to stem her tears. ‘I don’t think she wanted to live.’
‘I shouldn’t have let you stay.’ Alec hugged her tight. ‘You’ve been through so much today. If I’d been here I’d have been tempted to finish Bruce Ashley off just for frightening you.’
Ben turned away from them. He did not want Emilia any more, but it didn’t rest easy to see his brother giving her comfort, to witness their closeness.
Alone at the bedside, Tristan held Ursula’s cold clammy hand. Her hair, so black and fine, was spread out on the pillow, her terrible paleness made her seem dead already. Her eyes had been closed for some time.
‘If only you’d written to me about Ashley.’ He rubbed her icy fingers, which he held a breath away from his lips. He wasn’t tearful, he felt nothing, as if he had died inside. ‘I’d have released you. We could have made some arrangement about money, about Jonny. I was never heartless, was I? We could have worked something out, Ursula. It didn’t have to end this way.’
Her lips parted and her almost white tongue wetted the lower one. ‘Forgive me, Tris. And live, live for Jonny and live for yourself.’
‘I’ll try.’
Her eyelashes flickered. She tried to form a last smile. Then, with a sighing that was low and dreadful, she fell into everlasting silence.
Tristan kissed her lifeless fingers and closed her eyes. ‘Goodbye, Ursula.’ He laid her hand down on her body and crossed it over with the other.
He stayed in that silence. And suddenly he was weeping without sound. Not knowing if he could stand any more loss.
Those in the parlour heard the nurse and doctor in the kitchen. Prepared beforehand for the details of this birth, Nurse Roberts was lighting the primus to heat milk for the baby.
‘She’ll soon be taking the little mite away,’ Emilia said, feeling strangely bereft, remembering the soft warmth of the baby in her arms.
‘My God, this is awful,’ Alec lamented, shaking his head. ‘I couldn’t wait for that child to be taken away, but now I’ve heard her cry, knowing what her birth meant for her mother, a woman I’d been so unkind to… The baby’s going to suffer.’
‘If I may say so,’ Julian said in his feather-soft voice, ‘not if she goes to a good family, where she won’t know the circumstances of her birth.’
‘That her father was a treacherous coward, her mother the unfaithful wife of a war veteran,’ Ben said. He glanced at Emilia. ‘Adoption would be for the best, but…’
‘But what, Ben?’ Alec demanded.
‘Well, Emilia and I promised Ursula we’d look after her baby. It was one of her dying wishes.’
‘It seems so cold just to give her away,’ Emilia said sadly. ‘But Julian’s right, it’s the best thing for her. People round here have long memories.’
‘Well, whatever the state of affairs, she is Jonny’s little sister,’ Alec observed.
‘Part of the family,’ Ben confirmed. For the first time in months the two brothers looked at each other in agreement.
‘She shouldn’t be relegated to the kitchen, as if she’s something insignificant. I know what that feels like,’ Alec said. ‘Perhaps we should bring her in here with us until it’s time for her to go. Nurse Roberts is exhausted, she can make herself some tea. She’s got another family to visit tonight, probably a long journey to make.’ He went to the door. ‘Anyone object?’ No one did, but Julian gave a curious sigh.
No one spoke, each lost in their own mournful thoughts, until Alec returned with the baby, now in a gown, bonnet and shawl. Emilia held out her arms for her. ‘Had a hell of a job to get Nurse Roberts to let me take her. No, I’ll do this, darling. I haven’t held a baby since Jonny was tiny.’
Emilia exchanged a sad smile with Julian. Ben moved close to where Alec sat, next to Emilia on the settee. Alec pulled back the shawl from the baby’s face. ‘Oh, heavens above!’ Ben gasped.
‘What is it?’ Emilia leaned over to take a look. She gently touched the dark pink stain spread over half of the baby’s cheek. ‘Poor little soul, I didn’t notice this before.’
‘She’ll have to carry this mark for the rest of her life,’ Alec said, appalled. ‘Nurse Roberts was muttering something ominous. I understand why now. No one’s going to want to adopt a child with an imperfection like this.’
‘People are superstitious about that sort of thing, aren’t they?’ Julian said, sitting forward from his armchair, craning his long pale neck to see.
‘They’ll say she’s tainted with the sins of her father and mother,’ Ben said, angry on the baby’s behalf. His desire to protect her outweighed any other promise he had made.
Emilia caressed the baby’s downy hair, thick and fair like her father’s. ‘What will happen to her? Not an orphanage? They’re terrible places. We can’t let that happen to her, Alec.’
‘She’d be condemned to ridicule for the rest of her life, over something that’s not her fault. I know what that’s like too,’ Alec said, with feeling. ‘No, I won’t have that for her. To be pushed out into the world without a name, to be doomed to never know any sort of family. I couldn’t do that to an innocent child.’
Ben placed a fingertip into the baby’s fist. ‘Are you saying we should keep her? She hasn’t got anyone in all the world except us, and as you said, she is Jonny’s sister. I’m willing to keep the vow I made to Ursula.’
‘Not you,’ Alec said in a none too friendly tone. ‘I don’t take any vow you make seriously. Emilia and I will take her in.’ Gently, he pressed on the baby’s bottom lip with the teat of the bottle until she searched for it and started to suckle. He had fed many a sick or orphaned animal in this manner, but giving life-saving nourishment to this baby girl, pledging to give her a home, bonded her to him in his heart. ‘All we need now is for Tris to agree.’
‘It was Emilia and I who agreed to look after her,’ Ben bit back. ‘Like it or not, I’m included in this decision.’
Tristan was met with another silence when he came downstairs.
‘I’m so sorry, Tris. I don’t know what else to say,’ Alec said.
Ben placed his arm round Tristan’s shoulders.
‘Thank you for staying.’ Tristan addressed all there in officer’s formality, but they could see, and almost feel, the depths of his anguish. ‘I’ve seen a lot of death, one never gets used to it. Can we go back to the farm? After the events of today, I never want to set foot inside this house again.�
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‘Of course.’ Emilia knew Tristan was pretending not to notice the baby, now asleep, in Alec’s arms. She rose, took the baby, but before starting the exodus, glanced from brother to brother, ending with Tristan.
‘Well, it looks as if you all have something to say?’ Tristan squared his body and braced himself – by the string of serious expressions he was sure he needed to.
Emilia approached him. ‘Tristan, I know this is asking a lot of you, but would you take a look at the baby? There’s a particular reason for asking.’
Tristan swept his head to the side. If the child looked like Bruce Ashley he would not be able to bear it, if she looked like Ursula, even less so. ‘I can’t. I don’t see any point. Tell me what you’d have me know.’
‘She has a birthmark, Tris, over a large part of her face. The people who were to adopt her won’t want her now, the nurse has confirmed it. She’s innocent in all that’s happened. If we send her away she’ll be taken to an orphanage, almost certainly destined for a wretched life. I know this will be hard for you to accept, but we, and that includes Ben, want to give her a home, a chance. Even though you’re not her father, as Ursula’s husband, we need your permission.’
‘If you’re all so set on it, let the nurse take her away and then you can adopt her from the institution.’ Tristan swore shockingly. When he’d left his wife’s deathbed, he had counted on his family to shelter him and his son in their grief. He saw this latest episode as a betrayal and felt as if his insides were being physically shredded. He felt that the people who should care for him the most were mocking him. ‘God in heaven, how can you all be so heartless as to involve me in this sordid scheme? You’re actually asking me to sign my name on her birth certificate?’
‘The baby’s conception and birth were sordid, but she, herself, is not, Tris,’ Alec said in a quiet, soothing voice. ‘And I’m prepared to put my name on her birth certificate.’
With a toss of his head Tristan stared at the baby. She was as hateful to him as any enemy he had faced, as hateful as the mud and blood of the barbarous trenches he had survived. ‘That’s the sort of birthmark that will lessen in time. You’re all being melodramatic.’
‘The thing is, Tris,’ Ben said, ‘it’s at its worst now, when it matters the most in her life and future well-being. Yes, we could adopt her from the orphanage, but that could take months. Why let her suffer one day without the care and attention from those who want her? Alec and Emilia are having their own baby, let me take her to Tremore and you’d never have to see her again. Eliza and I will manage until I can appoint a nurse.’
‘No!’ Alec cut in. ‘Emilia and I can offer her a proper family home.’
Tristan rubbed the back of his neck, pressed taut fingers over his eyes. ‘This is the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard. A happy future for this child? With the pair of you arguing over her less than an hour after her birth? How would it help if you were to bring her up, Ben? What would Jonny think about his half-sister being reared on the other side of the village? And you, Alec and Emilia? The villagers would know her true origins and she’d be shunned and ridiculed anyway.’
‘But at least she’d have a family,’ Emilia said, feeling awful to be badgering Tristan while he was at his most distressed.
‘A family who would shield her from most of the hurt,’ Alec persisted.
‘Taking on Ursula’s child isn’t going to replace the one you lost partly through her actions. Why can’t I make you all see sense?’ Tristan’s words blasted through the room like an explosion. ‘Nothing on earth would make me allow any of the family to adopt her. There is no way I’d allow Jonny to endure the consequences of her parents’ offences.’
There was a dreadful pause, as if the foundations of the house had been shaken and were being allowed to settle.
It was broken by the smallest voice in the room. ‘I could take her.’
Emilia and the Harvey brothers all stared at Julian.
‘It might be the perfect solution. Polly and I could do a lot for the little girl. If Polly and I were to adopt her, our friendship with the Harveys would mean those who want to could have a protective influence on her life. I agree with Captain Harvey, that young Jonny should never know the truth about her. The answer as to what should go on the birth certificate is father unknown, surely? The child need never see it, or ever find out who her mother was.’ Julian was ashen-faced and puffing when he finished, having given way to an unusual and undesirable amount of passion. ‘Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Perhaps you’d like to think about it.’
There were several moments of fraught quietness as the others thought through his suggestion.
Tristan spoke first – Emilia, Alec and Ben felt it was his right. He took centre-stage, straight-backed, by the mantelpiece. ‘In light of what’s happened, I think it’s best Jonny stay on at the farm until I complete my service. Somehow I’ve got to tell him he’s lost both his mother and sister. I’d rather this child was taken far away, where there would be no risk of contact with him or myself in the future. But I’m not heartless. I agree she’s an innocent child. Take her if you must, Andrews, or she goes to the orphanage. I never want to see her again.’ Turning his back on the room, he fumbled for a cigarette.
Alec was beside Emilia. His face was pinched. Like Emilia and Ben, he was shocked by Tristan’s outburst, feeling guilty about his insensitivity. ‘Give her to Julian, darling. She’s his now. You, I and Ben can watch her grow up, look out for her interests if it’s necessary. You agree with this, Ben?’
Ben nodded.
Feeling she could cry every sort of tear, Emilia kissed the baby. The tiny face looked lost, somehow tossed about. Her heart wrenched in pieces, she handed her over to Julian.
He smiled wanly at her, then gazed dotingly at the child he would be legal guardian to in the years he had left. ‘I’ll ask the nurse to travel with us to Truro. I’d better be off. Ben, I’ll call on you in a few days.’
‘Tris, I’m sorry about all you’ve suffered today,’ Ben said, then left too. Outside, he gazed up at the twilight sky, slashed with pinks and purples, a beautiful sight but it reminded him of bruises. His emotions felt bruised. For a while he had fancied himself as someone’s saviour and shield again, only to be rebuffed once more.
He started the trudge home. Then he heard small animals rustling in the hedges, busy about their usual affairs. Even the war had not stopped them. And nothing must stop him. Fate had dictated that he kept his life. He would make something of it. His weary steps turned into purposeful strides.
Alec glanced uncertainly at Tristan. ‘Do you want to walk back with us?’
He turned round. ‘I couldn’t bear to be alone.’ He glanced overhead. ‘Dr Holloway’s going to arrange for Ursula’s body to be removed at dawn. I think if she could choose, it would be to stay here alone, just her and the silence.’
Chapter Thirty-Five
From the dairy, Emilia saw Jonathan running through the yard, Pip barking madly at his side, the pair scattering the hens, ducks and geese and disturbing the larger animals. She went outside to meet him.
‘There’s heaps of letters today,’ he shouted, before reaching her. ‘One from Daddy, and one from Honor, and one from cousin Winifred, probably saying she’ll come to Uncle Alec’s victory party, and I’ve got one from Vera Rose.’
They perched on the steps of the goat house. Pip ran off to torment the cats. Jonny waited for Emilia to rip open the envelope bearing his father’s plain writing and hand over the expected enclosed letter for him. With his head resting against her arm, they read quietly under the pale mid-November sky. It was a soft grey sky, not murky, not gloomy, with light dashes of clouds, and there was a languid warm wind stirring the dry autumn leaves.
Emilia read Honor’s letter first. She was well. Archie’s health was improving steadily, but because of the Spanish influenza epidemic, which had annihilated further millions across Europe, Honor was playing safe and keeping him isolated.
There was good news. Honor was expecting a baby. Her one and only baby, the letter stressed. Emilia smiled. What would Honor say when she replied with the news that she, herself, was already starting on her second child?
Tristan’s letter was good news. In the first months after his new posting, his communication had been short and informative. This time it seemed friendly, a little cheerful even.
She would never forget the day he left, three weeks after Ursula’s harrowing funeral, a daughter supposedly buried with her; there had been an unexpectedly large attendance from Hennaford; sympathy for Tristan and Jonny.
Jonny, inconsolable for days, had clung to Tristan at the farm entrance, where Tristan had insisted he say goodbye to the family. ‘I’m afraid you won’t come back, Daddy.’
‘I wish I could take you with me, but the farm’s the best place for you. Hopefully, the war will soon end and we can all be together.’ Tristan had kissed Lottie, said goodbye to Tilda, Jim and Sara, Bernard Vickery and Midge Roach, and Edwin and Dolly, who had taken over Henry’s room.
Grave and thoughtful, Tristan had shaken Ben’s hand. ‘Make me proud of you.’
To Alec. ‘You’ve got everything you need now. I’m pleased for you. Don’t be too hard on others.’
He had left Emilia to last. He had kissed her, given her a sentimental line or two, then suddenly crushed her against his body. She had felt his thin, bony form, and his trembling and despair. He had whispered in her ear, ‘I want to thank you for all you did for Ursula. I was selfish at the end. I wish I’d stayed with her too. I’m glad you’ll be here for Jonny, he’s going to need you so much.’
‘You’re not the least bit selfish, Tris. Don’t be hard on yourself,’ she had implored him.
She had felt his lips and his tears on her cheek, then he had pulled away. Tristan had wanted someone to hold him, not just for a while, but for hours, to give him comfort and companionship. He had left it too late. He’d had to go – leaving her to pray he would find the solace he so badly needed.
Another thing he had said: ‘We never did bother with that farewell supper. Perhaps we’ll make it a celebration when I next come home.’
Touch the Silence Page 28
