by Pratt, Lulu
“I don’t want to focus on us,” I admitted.
“Why not?” he looked down with burrowed eyebrows.
“Chris has to be the priority. He needs you most, and I don’t ever want to get in the way of that,” I explained, watching the understanding smooth out his features.
“We can take it slow,” he finally said, rubbing his hand along my back as if I were a baby. It was calming, and I found myself relaxing in his arms.
“I don’t want to tell the families yet,” I added. “We’ll tell them someday, but just not now.”
“We’ll take it slow, babe,” he repeated, kissing the top of my head as he continued to rub my back.
While it wasn’t a guarantee, it was more than I deserved. Jude had exploded at the truth, but thankfully his calm demeanor won me over and he found me before I left the parade.
With my brother, the age difference meant nothing. Things were different with Jude, though. He’d always been the most responsible, and when I was around him I didn’t feel the need to be in control of everything.
As a new mom, I found myself constantly having to take the lead on things in order to ensure they were done. It was a bit unbelievable to think I could have help with everything.
In hopes of not letting myself down, I’d refused to think of the possibility of ‘happily ever after,’ and although I told Jude I didn’t want to focus on us, it was creeping into my mind. The idea that Chris would have both his parents in his life brought immense joy to my heart.
There was a strong connection between Jude and me. One I had dreamed of allowing to blossom for years. He was everything I wanted in a man, and if a child wasn’t enough to scare him off, I thought there might really be a chance for us.
Deciding to take his advice, I chose to take things slow between us. There was a lot we still had to overcome, and a secret I was forcing him to keep. Only time would tell if it would work out or come back to haunt me. Either way, I was excited for the ride.
Chapter Eighteen
JUDE
IT WAS SURREAL, standing in the parking lot as I held Holly, looking through the car window at Chris. We’d been careful to keep our voices down, afraid we’d wake him as our voices carried through the small opening Holly left for fresh air to pass through.
After learning of the truth, my mind was racing with ways I could make up for the past, but knowing there was nothing I could ever do to recover lost time was crushing.
“I’ve missed so much.” The words were more to myself, but I could see Holly’s shoulders slump.
“I was only trying to do what I thought was best,” she reasoned through tears.
Instantly regretting the words, I wiped her fresh tears, apologizing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that up. I just wish I could have been here for you and for Chris.”
Holly sobbed in my arms before wiping her eyes with the back of her hands, breathing hard as she fought to gather herself. “No, I’m sorry. You have the right to feel how you want, and I want you to share that with me. Even if it hurts my feelings or makes me cry, I want to hear it,” she said as her voice cracked, more tears flowing down her reddened cheeks.
“Holly, you don’t deserve to cry,” I whispered, my heart breaking for her hurt.
My feelings for Holly were already too much to contain, but now knowing she had birthed my son and taken on his responsibilities alone as some sort of gift to me, it was incredible. Always concerned with others, she had allowed me to continue my life in New York guilt-free, something I could have never done if I knew the truth.
In that moment, I decided not to harp on what I’d missed, but instead what Holly had to do on her own. I was supposed to be by her side, so I wanted to know every detail she could remember.
“So, now that I know how you found out you were pregnant. How was your pregnancy?” I asked, tilting my head to see the smile spread across her face.
“You’re not serious?” she laughed, wiping away the last of her tears.
“I want to know every last detail I missed,” I said seriously before planting a kiss on her lips, reddened from my kiss.
“My pregnancy was awful,” she shook her head.
“Why?” I asked, my stomach tense as I awaited her response.
“I don’t know. My mom says I put it on myself. I tried hiding it for as long as I could, and then once everyone knew, there was a lot of drama about you know… who the father was, why I was single,” she looked away as she retold her decision.
“Were your parents upset?” I asked, gritting my teeth. I hated knowing that Holly had gone through so much alone, all to protect me and my lifestyle. Had I known…
“Yeah, but I felt ashamed because it wasn’t like I didn’t know who the father was, but I think that’s what my mom thought. Like, I could have been with so many guys that I just didn’t know,” her voice cracked and another tear slid down to her lip.
I’d never considered what people must have thought about her. I’d assumed everyone would think she refused to tell, not that she didn’t know. It was sad, and I felt helpless knowing she wanted to continue living a lie with her parents.
I’d have to find a way to convince Holly to tell the truth, because it was the only way she would ever release the shame she had no business carrying, but I knew it had to be on her time. Reminding myself of my own suggestion, I took a deep breath, insisting on moving slowly.
There was so much that would change, no good could come from trying to transition everything overnight. It would take time for my new life to come together, and the more I tried to rush, the more I feared I would lose.
“It doesn’t matter now, that’s all behind us,” Holly gently placed her small palm against my cheek as she spoke, and without thinking, I leaned into her touch.
“What do you mean it’s behind you?”
“When Chris arrived, everything was forgotten,” she smiled.
“What was there to forget?” I wondered, wanting to get to the bottom of what my privacy had cost her.
“Things were just… tense.”
“Is that why you moved out?” I asked.
I was shocked to learn she had moved out, and knowing her mother’s reaction to her pregnancy, I thought it might have played a role in her decision.
“Yes.”
She sighed, unable to find a way to sugarcoat it. She know what I was really asking and why I wanted to know. She had taken on an expense and found herself excluded from a family I knew she was ridiculously close to.
“But it turned out to be a blessing in disguise!” she quickly added.
“Is that so?” I quipped, unenthused.
“It allowed me to have much needed time with Chris, and forced me to learn on my own. My mom can be overbearing sometimes. I got to spend every moment I could with Chris. It was nice to make my mistakes without her watching over my shoulder,” she explained.
I chuckled softly, able to relate more than Holly knew. That was the main reason I loved living so far from Savannah. It was natural for us to find our own way as young adults, making our mistakes as we figured things out.
A little space, and privacy, was necessary for independence, and the reason I had left my hometown. I didn’t want my parents wrapped up in every decision, and in Savannah I was certain that would be the case. They knew everyone and everyone knew them.
New York allowed me to be Jude in the way her own house allowed Holly to be herself. I was grateful that she had only been forced to care for Chris alone for three months, but in the back of my mind I was already tallying up how I could ever repay her.
“Did you buy that house, or are you renting?” I wondered aloud.
“Renting,” she answered apprehensively.
“How much is the rent?” I asked, instantly feeling her back away.
“No, Jude. We’re not going to do this tit for tat while you try to pay for my life out of some misplaced guilt,” she shook her head, waving her hands back and forth disapprovingly.
“Come here.” I ignored her, more interested in feeling her weight against my chest. I hated being so close without my arms wrapped around her body.
“Promise me you’ll let it go,” she said, slowly wrapping her arms around me.
“I’ll try.”
She was right, of course. There was nothing I could do to go back in time or change the past. What was done was done, all I should focus on was how to shape the future, and that was what I was going to do. With so much adjustments that needed to be made, I didn’t quite know where to start, but looking through the car window at Chris, I was eager and excited to make room in my life for my son.
“Everything is going to be okay, Holly, I promise,” I whispered before kissing the top of her head, inhaling a deep breath of her flowery scent. “I’m going to take care of you and Chris,” I promised, more to myself than her.
“I know.”
It was only two words, but it was the meaning behind them that nearly brought me to tears. My initial fear that she thought I would be a bad father was disproven. Holly being in my arms was a clear indication that she trusted me, and knew I would not abandon her or Chris. It touched me to know that she had such faith in me.
“I should get him home before he wakes up,” she finally said, lifting her head from my chest. I instantly missed the weight, savoring her scent.
“Okay, but no more disappearing acts,” I warned her.
After days of no communication, I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing her while knowing the truth. From that point on, I wanted to spend every possible second with Holly and Chris.
“I promise,” she said, stretching her neck to offer her lips. Leaning down, I exhaled deeply as our lips met, already missing her.
“Let me give Chris a kiss,” I said, reaching for the car door.
“Be careful,” she whispered, the concern evident on her face.
Quietly, I opened the car door, leaning down to gently kiss his soft warm cheek. Even in his sleep, he smiled, his left dimple indenting before fading as he drifted back to sleep.
“I love you, son,” I whispered, hearing Holly’s soft gasp behind me. “Can you please let me know when you both make it home safely?” I begged.
“Yes, I will.”
After holding her car door open, I kissed Holly one last time before making my way across the parade in search of my own car. The day had gone nothing like I planned, but in some ways it was better.
Walking through crowded downtown, I wanted to climb on top of a bench and yell my amazing news. I was a father. It was unbelievable.
“Hatch? What are you doing down there?” The sound of my last name caught me off guard. Turning to the voice, I saw Dylan with his arms extended and I leaned in to hug my best friend.
“Hey, what’s up?” I could hear the awkwardness in my tone.
He’d told me about Holly’s decision to keep the identity of Chris’ father a secret, but it was clear what he thought about the man who had no role in Chris’ life. Knowing I was the douchebag who had knocked up his little sister without so much as looking back left my stomach in knots.
“We should go and get that drink we talked about,” Dylan laughed, slapping my shoulder.
“Every time I hang with you I forget how I got home,” I smirked, recalling our time at the bar when we had to call an old friend to drive us home after one too many shots.
“Oh, that didn’t count. We still need a proper night on the town,” he said, a carefree smile on his face.
I couldn’t stop thinking of how quickly that smile would fade if he knew the truth about me and Holly. It hurt to know that I’d have to explain one day why I broke his trust, going behind his back and keeping a secret for a year.
“We’re definitely going to do that. But tonight I’ve got to help my mom do something at the house,” I lied.
There was no way I could be with Dylan after what Holly had told me. One beer and the truth was bound to pour out of me whether he asked or not. I needed to be alone to process everything, and thankfully Dylan didn’t make that harder than it needed to be.
“No problem, brother. Just be safe. We’ll hang out again before you head back north,” he assured me, slapping my shoulder once more before disappearing into the crowd as suddenly as he appeared.
It was another layer in the complicated mess I’d made with Holly, but I was certain that like everything else, I’d find a way to fix it. Walking to my car, I kicked myself for not being courageous enough to just tell her how I felt years ago. We could have avoided so much heartache and embarrassment if I’d just gone about things in the right way, but as my mother always said, I liked to make things complicated.
Chapter Nineteen
HOLLY
THE AIR ALWAYS seemed colder in the doctor’s office. As I redressed following my appointment, I wondered if it had anything to do with the sterile white decor they insisted on. Regardless, I was happy to be leaving soon. In the past year, I’d had my fair share of doctors’ visits during my pregnancy and then again with Chris.
After two soft knocks, Dr. Wallis poked her head through the door. “Are you decent?” she called, as she had since I’d been coming here.
“Yes!” I replied, pulling down the hem of my floral dress.
“Okay, we’ve got some things to talk about,” Dr. Wallis said, typing into her laptop as she pulled the black leather seat of her stool. Sitting in front of me, she peered at her screen.
“Is something wrong?”
“Oh, no!” she shook her head, gently placing her hand over my own. “You’re fine! Everything was fine. I just need to ask you a quick question about Chris. He has started sleeping more through the night, right?”
“Most nights I can get six straight hours, sometimes less,” I smiled.
“Okay, great,” she nodded, scribbling down on her notepad. “I wanted to make sure that was in my notes because I don’t think we discussed it at our last visit, but your mom was telling me how well he sleeps at her book club.”
More than just my doctor, Dr. Wallis was one of my mother’s close friends. She had been my doctor for several years, but thankfully she was extremely professional and never crossed any boundaries sharing with my mother matters I told her in confidence.
Well aware of my decision to keep Chris’ father out of his life, she was the first person to allow me to share that decision without judgment. She assured me that whatever I chose to do would be what was best for Chris, because taking care of mama was essential for a healthy baby.
Whether she knew it or not, Dr. Wallis had been a saving grace during pregnancy, a voice of positivity as I struggled to deal with my family’s disapproval.
“I wanted to talk to you about your sex life,” she twisted her lips, knowing how nonexistent it was.
Because I trusted her so much, I’d always been open with Dr. Wallis about my sexual relationships, and when I found out I was pregnant I told her the truth. Although she had no idea Jude was Chris’ father — of course she knew his family too — Dr. Wallis was aware that he wasn’t in Chris’ life. I told her all about my struggle to parent alone, and lack of a desire to find a father figure for my son. Chris had my father and my brother, and now, although I wasn’t ready to share the news with my doctor, my son would have his actual father.
“At your last appointment, I told you to hold off on any sexual activity because you were still healing from the birth, but now it looks like you’re fully healed. I wouldn’t have any apprehensions if I were you,” she smiled.
“Are you sure? Because…” I shook my head, unable to believe her news.
While I loved my son beyond words, I would never ever want to go through the pain of birth again. Dr. Wallis said I had an abnormally painful experience, and it left me insecure about my body. Sex had seemed like an impossibility for the past few months as my body had been sore and swollen.
It had been so long since I’d been with a man, and after giving birth I never even thought abou
t it. When you experience such pain, it was difficult to welcome any type of friction.
But the more I processed Dr. Wallis’ announcement, the more I thought of Jude. I’d worried about being intimate with him, and shocked myself with naughty thoughts of things I’d like to do to him. He was so sexy effortlessly, the definition of the boy next door.
Whenever Jude kissed me, the air left my lungs and my pelvis tightened with need. He did things to my body I couldn’t explain, but I was still too afraid to offer myself as I remembered how aggressively he’d devoured my body the last time.
“I know it’s been a while since you’ve met anyone you want to spend a night with, but at least you now have that option,” Dr. Wallis continued, interrupting my thoughts.
“I just worry about it hurting,” I admitted, biting my lip at the thought. Dr. Wallis nodded, aware of my concerns. And because she had delivered Chris herself, she understood my apprehension.
“I know, but your body is self-healing and it’s made to do this. You are strong and you’ve recovered. Of course, as always, you want to listen to your body and stop when something doesn’t feel right. But you should ease back into things whenever you’re ready,” she smiled.
I left the doctor’s office feeling optimistic, and then my mom called to ask if she could keep Chris longer. Things were handled at the hotel and spa for the day, so I spontaneously decided to do something I rarely ever did – take the day off unexpectedly.
Feeling like a kid playing hooky, I decided to start at the salon, added a few highlights to my dark hair before moving to the nail salon. Feeling the holiday spirit, I chose holiday red for my nails, relaxing as the technician massaged my feet.
Two hours later, I left the salon feeling like a new woman. The truth was, I’d felt that way for a day, ever since confessing the truth to Jude. It was a weight lifted to know that I was no longer keeping him from Chris. Whether he wanted to play a role in his life was irrelevant, at least he knew the truth. It was more of a relief than I anticipated, and when I caught my improved reflection in the window of a small boutique, I decided I needed a new dress.
