by K-lee Klein
With a heavy sigh, JT shifted his position, twisting so he and Brett were face-to-face. He rose up on his knees, straddling Brett’s legs, then easing back. “I never even took the time to blame you because the rest of that night made up for it.”
“But if that’s not what makes you uncomfortable in here, what is?”
JT took a moment to match how he felt inside with the right words. “It’s weird. I thought I had only bad feelings about being up here, but I think I have a very important good one too.”
“Care to share with the class?” A lingering kiss pressed against the back of JT’s hand gave him the strength he hadn’t been aware he needed.
“Bad first. I was so wrong when I dug into stuff that wasn’t any of my business.”
Brett sat up straight, reaching out to JT, rubbing slow circles over the round bone of his shoulder. “I don’t hold any fault. I wasn’t forthcoming on much of anything in the beginning. There are regrets on both sides I suppose. But I don’t have any bigger ones than laying a hand on you. You know I’ll never do that again, or anything like that either. I swear on my mama’s life. Sometimes I think you should have just walked away. I swear if any of those men who were with Mama ever did what I did—”
JT distracted Brett with a finger under his chin, then cupped his cheek. “If I didn’t believe you, I wouldn’t be here.”
“Well, then I just gotta count my blessings, don’t I? Because I may be a redneck cowboy, but I’m not stupid enough to try to talk you out of anything that gets me you. Maybe I need to try to let those regrets go, huh?”
“Accept them and move on. It’s all we can do,” JT said. He supposed he should take his own advice since he obviously had a few regrets of his own. Brett still looked skeptical though. “Trust me. I went to school for this stuff, remember?”
Brett chuckled. “Smarty pants.” His adoring expression made JT weak in the knees. And speaking of knees….
“I have another confession,” JT piped up after kissing Brett’s smile. “But this floor is too freaking hard on my knees.”
Brett dipped his head with a snort. “I could make a very sexual comment right now, but out of respect for the seriousness of your pretty face, I’ll restrain myself.” His smirk was epic.
JT kissed Brett hard on the mouth. If only he didn’t have important stuff to get off his chest—dammit. Instead of having his way with his sexy boyfriend, he moved again, gently kicking Brett’s legs to the side so he could lie between them, his back against Brett’s chest, head resting comfortably on his shoulder.
“So…,” he began with a hearty sigh. “I’m jealous of this stupid barn.”
“The barn or Walt?” Brett scraped his scruff across JT’s head.
“Both”
“But I asked you the other night….”
Heat rose in JT’s cheek. He was happy to not be facing Brett at the moment. “I know. But really, how could I not be? This was your home with him, and this barn is where you and he… well, you know. I’m so sorry.”
“I guess that’s understandable, but you gotta know that despite things sounding like they were perfect between me and him, that wasn’t always the case. I’m not known for being any kind of perfect.” Brett threaded his fingers through JT’s hair as he spoke. JT’s eyes shuttered closed, and had he been a cat, his purring would have been as epic as Brett’s mischievous smirks.
Brett continued, “We were like oil and water a lot of the time, especially near the… in that last year. Like two trains that passed in the night unless we hadn’t seen each other for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? But if I’d lived here day-to-day every day with him, I don’t know how things would’ve been. I loved him. Of course I did, and I always will, but I love you in a whole different way.”
“How so?”
The petting stopped, but Brett gathered him close instead, his breath hot against the side of JT’s hair. “You showed up when I was all kinds of fucked in the head, when I was barely civil to anyone… even myself. I wasn’t looking to fall in love. Sure as hell never thought it would happen, probably didn’t want it to. But I did. And you waited, and you gave me your patience and your trust. I don’t think that can ever be tarnished inside me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you or even love you enough to make you understand just how important you are in my life.”
The flashlight flickered, and JT reached to turn it off. The moon shining through the loft window provided enough light for their needs—a still moment to reflect before JT made things heavy again. Brett beat him to it.
“I used to see him in here all the time, and I’ve never wanted anything more than to strip that damn stain out of the wood, at least until my heart flipped gears and fell headfirst into loving you.”
With a smile that seemed rather inappropriate, JT reached back to grab Brett’s head. He spoke with care. “The rest of the ranch is awesome. Maybe it’s what happened in here or maybe I’m worried you’ll never really heal with the constant reminder.”
“I think having you here heals me a little more every day. As for the barn, I’m anxious for it to go. It’s just a thing, and knowing it bothers you makes me want to have it gone even quicker. It’s as simple as that.” After another kiss to JT’s head, Brett snuffled into his hair. “So how about bringing the conversation back to something good?”
“Your heart wanted me bad, huh?”
A single cackle erupted behind JT, and then Brett rubbed his scruffy chin over his head. “Have we not established that fact yet?”
“This is where you gave it to me.”
Brett shifted against JT. “My heart?”
“You told me you were a glitzed-up country singer and had a couple drawers I could have if I wanted.”
Brett’s chuckle was music to JT’s ears and succulent fodder for his heart. “I’m a smooth fucker.” He cackled louder. “How could you ever think I had a romantic bone in my body after that?”
JT ignored him. “You also said you needed me, and that’s all I needed to know. That your heart was mine.”
“Because you unbroke it.”
It sounded familiar, but it took JT a few moments to figure it out, and to clear the guilt of why it was familiar. “That was in one of the letters—”
“Might have been a song, actually. I believe it was, I need you to be here so you can give me a start, to show me just how to unbreak my heart. Silly stuff, and might’ve seemed like it was meant for Walt, but you gave me the start I needed and showed me it was okay to love again.”
“And I’ve never been more sure of that.” JT’s heart was full to bursting. He wondered if twenty-eight-year-old men were supposed to feel like they were walking on a cloud. Hell, he didn’t give a fuck. Surging upward, he twisted to grab Brett around the neck. He tugged and manhandled him until he was pressed to the dusty floor, then threw himself on top of him.
“Jesus Murphy, kid. Do I have to keep reminding you how old I am?”
“Older than fuck is what I keep hearing.”
“Older than fuck or old enough to fuck?” Brett pressed a finger to JT’s lips. “Don’t answer that. But I do have a different question, it you don’t mind. It’s about Valentine’s Day.”
JT’s answer sounded bitter, even to his own ears. “Wanna know how many times I tried to fuck it away because I never had anyone I wanted to share it with?”
Brett squinted at him, his nose crinkling up in that way that made JT want to lick it. So he did. “In a roundabout way I suppose. Hey! Stop slobbering on me. I have a serious question.”
“Shoot, cowboy.”
“You wanted me to make love to you, and that’s not something we—I—normally do.”
“Seemed like you enjoyed it though.”
A snort preceded Brett’s reply. “Not sure how I couldn’t. But usually, you… well, you know, like being on top.”
“I guess I just really wanted it, needed it maybe. But can I tell you a secret that might out me in a very u
n-gay way?”
“I don’t have a fucking clue what an un-gay way is, but go for it, Darlin’.”
JT forced the embarrassment from his mind—facts were facts. “Even though we have mind-blowing sex, the all-the-way kind, that’s not my favorite part of being with you.”
“I’m not following.”
“Before I slept with you, before I fell in love with you, I’d never had any kind of intimacy that didn’t involve sticking my penis in someone’s ass or mouth.”
It really wasn’t so much a secret as it was something they’d never come right out and talked about. In truth, JT and Brett had an unbelievably satisfying sex life that didn’t always include being inside each other. It had been mentioned in passing before, more in a casual, impersonal kind of way, with regards to how media, and the like, stereotyped gay sex almost as much as at one time they’d stereotyped gays themselves. If you were gay, you took it up the ass or you shoved it up someone else’s.
JT surmised it had never been brought up in a serious conversation because most of the time hands and mouths and knowing just what to do with them was just as important—the intimacy being the most vital objective in JT’s mind and heart. But Valentine’s Day had been almost as much of a shock to JT as it had been to Brett. He’d had an aching desire to feel Brett inside him, needed that extra connection because his brain had been so muddled and fuddled all day. Because he’d lost faith in Brett even for a few moments.
In what he liked to call his pre-Brett life, JT had been extremely sexually active. Sex had been more than just a release to his balls; it had been releasing all his pent-up feelings about school and careers and his mother and his loneliness. He’d been with a whole lot of guys, trying to fuck away his emotions, but the outcome usually only settled even more heaviness and frustration in his mind. He knew it was partially his fault since he’d never put any effort into getting to know any of the men he fucked around with, and, in honesty, he could have cared less for any of that at the time.
There’d been no foreplay, nothing more than making sure his dick was hard enough to seal the deal, and more times than not, he had been the deal-sealer. It was different with Brett, had been from the beginning. JT had craved a higher level of intimacy, wanted to kiss and touch and feel Brett’s passion and lust and love. He needed all those things like he needed to breathe.
They’d never made an agreement of sorts, never said “how do you feel about butt sex, yea or nay?” It had just happened that way. JT liked to feel Brett filling him and liked to fill him when the occasion arose, but whether it was by his mouth or his tongue or his hands or, yeah, his cock, it was all good.
“I believe talking about that makes me a little uncomfortable.”
“Tough luck, cowboy.”
“Does that mean you don’t like it when we go all the way, as you referred to it?”
JT smiled sweetly at Brett. “I definitely like it, and I have to admit, Valentine’s Day might make me want that a little more often. But the kissing, the touching, when you kiss my hand, and suck on my neck… even just holding you like this, it’s something I’ve never done with anyone else, and it turns me on. More importantly, it turns my heart on even more than any kind of penetration.”
“I think that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard, and I can assure you, I feel the same way.”
“Know what else I really like?”
Brett clicked his tongue and grinned. “The curiosity is killing me.”
“When I make you come in your pants.”
“Oh Jesus, that’s just not right. Is that what you’re trying to do now?”
JT leaned harder against Brett’s body, tucking his ankles under Brett’s legs as he ground his hips down. Brett groaned in response, shoving his hand behind JT’s head and dragging him into a kiss. They made out like teenagers secreted away from their parents’ gazes—mouths moving sloppily, lips and tongues uncoordinated, hands fisting in hair and yanking hard.
Brett pulled needy sounds from JT’s throat without even trying—the simple canting of his hips, hard arousal against hard arousal, his fingers finding that one special spot behind JT’s ear, stroking and caressing until JT had to fight to breathe. If there was ever a time to not be embarrassed about shooting in his jeans, this was it. It was exciting and passionate, and he could have cared less if they were in the barn that had freaked him out for so many months.
He was with Brett and Brett was with him, and there was nothing that compared or could make him pull away.
“Oh for pity’s sake. Do you boys not know you have a goddamn bed in the house?”
Almost nothing.
JT jerked back so hard, Brett’s head thumped to the ground. He growled under his breath, holding JT tightly against him, not letting him move a muscle as they lay still and quiet.
“I know you’re up there, and I have half a mind to lock you both in until the morning.”
JT was surprised Brett held out as long as he did. “I’m forty-two years old, old man,” he hissed, his face crinkled with frustration. “And I can do whatever I want in my own goddamn barn anytime I damn well choose.”
Ray snorted, the sound of his boots scuffing against the barn floor echoing loudly. “All righty, then. I’ll just tell your mama you don’t want any of the delicious pie she baked special and insisted on bringing you tonight.”
“Oh fuck,” Brett mumbled, purposely banging his head on the wooden floor this time. “Mama’s here? What the hell, Ray?”
JT held back a chuckle when Brett looked up at him with narrowed eyes and a challenge a mile wide in his scowl. He wasn’t doing anything, just rubbing himself against Brett… a little. Nothing to get all worked up about. Brett’s hand clapped down on his ass, making him stop his squirming and teasing.
“Your mama’s in the house, came over for tea and to bring you a damn pie. Should I tell her she’s just gotta hold her dang horses until her two grown men are done groping each other in inappropriate places? Or maybe I’ll just eat the damn pie myself.”
“Cherry?”
JT instantly knew he’d lost to a pie when Ray’s answer reached his ears.
“Damn rights it’s cherry.”
“Don’t eat my pie, old man.”
“Don’t think you really have a say in the matter when you’re buckass naked in the goddamn loft.”
“We ain’t naked, and it’s none of your business.”
“Fair enough. I guess I could tell her how I found you in the stables with your pants ’round your ankles the other day when you should have been working. I think she’ll be shocked enough to withhold any kind of pie for a while.”
“Ray!”
JT shoved off Brett in an instant. “Don’t you dare tell her that!” He staggered to a standing position, not bothering to even help the flailing man on the ground to his feet.
“Ray, did you find the boys? Pie’s ready. What’re you doing out here?”
Ray coughed and JT held his breath. “No sign of them. Guess it’s all mine.”
“Don’t let him eat the pie, Mama!”
Jesus Christ, Brett.
“Brett? Why in tarnation are you sitting in this dusty old place in the dark?”
“You totally just dumped me for a pie.”
Brett chuckled as he wound his body around JT’s. He pressed a slobbery kiss to his nape before whispering close to his ear, “But it’s cherry, Darlin’.”
Chapter 6
FEBRUARY EIGHTEENTH dawned clear and chilly. JT tugged on his boots with Whiz wiggling at his side, nosing and licking to get his attention as he was continually swatted away.
“Do you want me to kennel him during the um… what are we calling it?”
Brett shrugged from his position at the table, setting his mug down as he twisted to gaze at JT, a soft crooked smile curling his lips. “Ray says it’s a kind of ceremony. I guess it don’t really matter what we call it. I can hold on to the pup if he starts getting in the way.”
“I thou
ght you’d be hanging on to me.”
“That’s why the good lord gave me two hands.”
JT snuffled at Brett’s poetic wit. “Is Ray back with Millie yet?”
“They’ll meet us down there when they are.”
Brett downed the last of his coffee, then rose from his chair to put his cup in the sink. Sweeping the hair off his face, he gathered it into a tail at the back of his neck before securing it with the band wrapped around his wrist. JT watched like he hadn’t seen him do it more than a hundred times, the familiar act played out in a calm and relaxed manner. Brett didn’t seem to be suffering the nervousness that itched under JT’s skin.
“You ready to go, kid?”
JT reached down to ruffle Whiz’s fur, then opened the door. He motioned Brett through, fingering the collar of his coat as he stepped past. A quick kiss and a charming grin and they were outside in the chilled day. Ray’s truck was parked in its usual spot, and Whiz shot past it like a clumsy rocket on a mission to the moon.
“Wish I had his energy,” Brett teased as he took JT’s hand.
“You do just fine when it really counts.”
They chuckled together, then fell quiet when they neared the barn. Ray was there, the old cowboy’s arm wrapped loosely around Millie’s shoulders. He tipped his hat while Millie pulled away to hug them both.
“Morning, boys. Y’all ready to work?”
“Yes, ma’am. I gather you’re ready to supervise in your own bossy way?”
Millie simply wrinkled her nose, slapped Brett lightly on the chest as she pushed away from him. The decision had been made that the three of them were perfectly capable of dismantling the old thing themselves. Brett and Ray had garnered all the tools they’d need, and any of the fittings that were of any use had already been salvaged.
Brett had been lighthearted and open since he and JT had spent their final moments in the old building, and all doubt had been cleared from JT’s mind. Any thoughts he’d had of Brett doing this for him or for Ray, or anyone else for that matter, were gone. Brett was the epitome of well-adjusted in this matter at least, and the little ceremony he had insisted on only went to show he was ready to move on.
